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The following has been playing on my mind a lot lately…Let’s call this…Therapy

A few weeks ago I heard news of a shooting on a military base in Texas – Fort Hood.

I didn’t know anyone involved or even anyone living nearby but it affected me massively.

The shooter was a military man, he had a wife and kid(s) and he killed -I believe- 3 people, injured around 14 others and then killed himself.

Apparently this man was suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or something similar… he was troubled in one way or another and to be honest I feel for him. I’ve been in dark places before, thankfully not dark enough to harm others but the thought of harming myself…well it wasn’t out of the question. Looking back I shudder at some of the things I used to think, It actually embarrasses me thinking about it but ultimately I got help, things got better and the only times I look back is to remind myself how far I have come.

I realise that we are never safe, there are bad people out there who will hurt us randomly, we will be in the wrong place at the wrong time…stuff like this happens. To be associated with or linked to a military base always holds that worry of attacks, they are obvious targets and perhaps one reason why I wouldn’t choose to live on the base itself but to have someone FROM the INSIDE do something like this is absolutely terrifying.

I’m sure you can see where the PTSD links have affected me. I know there are different levels of it, different versions even and of course different causes; I know that not everyone with PTSD will end up shooting a bunch of people but the fact that this happened…I don’t know.

What about the people injured, the people who witnessed friends and colleagues die…the family and friends of those people… think of the affect it will have on them. Therapy, Some form of PTSD, alcoholism, drug abuse…you know, things to ease the pain. The anger, the hurt…the breakdown of communication between loved ones. Think how many people would be changed by that day and who would then change their relationships at home. The ripple effect of repercussions is terrifying! Where and how does it end?

I suppose this incident has shown me one extreme outcome but all I keep thinking (apart from about the families of those involved) is ‘his poor wife!’

Did she know he was at this point? Were there signs? What were they? How exactly would you ever assume – or believe- that the person you love would actually do something like this?…and what happens to her now? What on earth is going through her mind? Apparently this woman discovered that the shooter was in fact her husband because they said it on the news! How terrible! They had children, how do you explain to a child why daddy isn’t coming home and why these people are looking at them strangely? How does that family move on from this?

This incident has scared me, for the first time since being married, since finding out everything about my husband… the thought of not really knowing your partner – or what they are capable of- has hit home. I don’t for one minute believe he would do anything like this, or that I would let it get to that point… but I’m sure the Fort Hood shooters wife thought the same thing about her husband.

How do you get past this?

xBx

 

 

 

 
 

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It’s been one year….

20130318-121902-AM.jpgIt’s been a year since the shit hit the fan…. so it seems only fitting that I write a post.

I feel I owe it to myself to revisit this blog -to face my demons- but also to anyone still out there wondering ‘what ever happened to Beth?’ so…here I am…and this is what happened

In July we had our first wedding anniversary…I had been anxious about it but we celebrated by burning some bad memories – those in the form of diary entries, letters which held dark confessions and even photos or ‘happy book’ pages which made me feel sick looking back on. Not because the times themselves were bad…but once you find out that most of your relationship has been a lie things kind of take a sour turn.

We took our burn-iversary as a fresh start; a chance to put as many of those bad feelings as we could behind us and instead focus on moving forward…on how to make things better and how to make new…REAL…memories. At the time I was still feeling uneasy, emotions were up and down constantly; some days all I could think about was what he had done whereas others it didn’t even cross my mind.

It was during one of these ‘up’ streaks that we had news from his work that we would have to leave for America….in September! As you can imagine my heart was in my stomach. I had given our marriage one year from THAT day to figure out whether I stayed or we went our separate ways…now I had a matter of weeks to make up my mind!?

One thing that kept nagging me was this gut-wrenching feeling whenever I considered NOT going with him. By this time I was past any “what would people think?” “what would I tell my mother?” crap and had learnt to focus on what I wanted and not what society would find alarming. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to try…but there was so much to do, so much upheaval… this was an international move…I would need a visa…I had loose ends to tie up…I would have to quit the job I loved….

Shit Happens - By ComfortablyNumb

Shit Happens – By ComfortablyNumb

I chewed it over and over -AND OVER…I spoke to my best friend – the only person (offline) who knows EVERYTHING about our situation- and she reminded me that I could always come home if shit went wrong again. Eventually I told my dad and my step-dad about my doubts, hinting that things weren’t peachy between us; I spoke to a good friend from the blogging world…they all said the same… “you can always come home” and “you would regret NOT giving it a go”

So…I went.

Through a series of events with work, visa applications and an unrelated court case the moving date was postponed for a month here and another month there -It was stressful to say the least but we got here in the end and so far I am NOT regretting it.

HOWEVER…(did you see that one coming?) with everything going on with the move the therapy, counseling and everything that goes with it has been put on the back burner. It’s not that we are ignoring the fact that we need to carry on working on things – believe me he made sure I knew that he WILL keep seeing someone and I made sure HE knew that if he didn’t I would have his balls in a vice-it’s just that with any move its stressful and expensive so we have to wait until it’s more feasible to go (and keep going) to sessions in order to make them count.

That being said… I’m bloody dreading it. Its been so nice NOT having to think about shit for a few months. The move has pushed us together and grounded my feelings for him; the stresses of everything have taught us to work together and communicate more than we ever did – I mean yeah there’s still that mars/Venus divide but as far as US as a couple we are much stronger – at least as far as I’m concerned. I suppose I’m finding the idea of going from pretend-ignorant-bliss back to shock-horror-here’s-another-bombshell rather unsettling…but who wouldn’t? As for ‘deeper’ progress there have been a few small victories for us…though reading this back they’re actually rather big.

yeah right lol

yeah right lol

Before we left England he had started feeling more physically (in the bedroom) but it was still rare. Now, however it’s probably 90% of the time. The sensation doesn’t last long but the fact that the frequency has increased massively means we must be doing something right (yay us!) This is a massive confidence boost for me, I don’t feel as rushed to ‘get it over with before he starts yawning’ and I can sometimes tell when it’s happening for him. We did have a type of code but that always reminded us of the ‘issue’ so now we just roll with it and see what happens.

We are a little more spontaneous with it, definitely more passionate/romantic and generally more relaxed…more loving. It’s like we are both actually present…we make eye contact…more kissing…I don’t feel like a hooker! Of course some days it all hits me again that this isn’t a ‘normal’ sex life and that for most couples it’s a lot ‘easier’ for them…but then I remind myself that it’s OURS, it’s working for us…and at least I don’t have a problem with a partner who is done in a few minutes ha ha (sorry but I have to laugh)

Out of the bedroom he is more caring too; he now has a phone and actually texts me during the daytime which has made such a big difference. He leaves notes for me sometimes when he heads off to work and he picks up a little something now and again if he stops off to get petrol or whatever on his way home. He told me a few months ago during a heart to heart that he now genuinely likes cuddles and missed the ones I used to give him; he had started feeling ‘less loved’ by me than before and cared enough -or felt enough- to actually say something about it (I had started blocking myself without realising.) He was honest enough to tell me things that he knew I wouldn’t like hearing -rather than lying to keep me happy) and said openly that he still needed to work some things out with a professional..

I still have issues with porn…like I said…who wouldn’t after everything? I have some filters set up on his phone and on the computer (with his permission – nothing sneaky) but we both agree that neither of us are ready for them to be removed – again not something I LIKED hearing but at least he was honest about it. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t deleted this blog, I don’t like that I WILL be posting on here more frequently once the therapy starts…but its the truth and I have to face it. I still have days where I remember that we do have a lot of work to do (and he agrees) and it hurts like hell but at least we realize this and aren’t just sweeping it under the carpet for good.

Yes there is a LOT of work to be done but we both know that and WILL get back into the swing of it once we are settled with everything else. For now…I am happy that we are making progress on our own. The bottom line in all of this? I’m glad I came with him, I’m glad I gave it a shot and I’m certain I want to keep working on it.

I am so sorry for dropping off the face of the…blogging-world. I have missed you guys, but I can’t lie I’m not looking forward to being back…I will be back though, just not yet.

xBx

 
19 Comments

Posted by on February 25, 2014 in The Present -How things are

 

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Making memories of me

As you may know, my memories are very important to me. I love photos, I love looking back on my past and I love my lists lol. I have my happy book to document the things that make me smile and I have a bucket list of things to tick off as I go.

Working in the job and being married to my husband has taught me to never let anything hold me back. To enjoy life, to experience it… Because I can… And because I deserve to.

With our move growing ever closer I’m getting sentimental, thinking of the times I’ve had… With the people I’ve met… In the places I’ve been…

So it seems quite fitting to add to my bucket list… But I need your help.

I’m not talking about lavish, expensive things… More the simple things like enjoying cadburys chocolate before giving into the world of Hershey’s *shudder* or milking a cow … Because why wouldn’t you when your best friend lives on a farm?? Or screw the weather lets go punting in cambridge… Because it’s almost local so why not? Of course I have Madame Tussaud’s (the waxworks) on mine because let’s face it it’s the only way I’m going to meet my boyband crush before I go so it kills 2 birds with one stone… But what would you do?

I have 2 months left in England… Brits…what would you suggest I do?
The rest of the world… What would you want to do if you visited England?

Likewise I’m going to be limited to (probably) one year in North Carolina before moving to the next place so Non Americans…. What would be the little things you would want to experience/taste/see that we can’t do here? Or the bigger things you would love to do if you had the chance to go? And Americans… What would you suggest? I’ve heard about “trees” … Everyone keeps gasping about how beautiful the trees are…. I’m lost lol. So what is there around NC – or in America in General- to look out for and experience?

I WILL be taking up blogging again once things are more settled – hopefully by then I will have some bucket list “ticks” to share with you :)

So… If you don’t mind… I would love to have a few ideas (the more the better) from each of you of things to do on each side of the pond.

xBx

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I’m still here

Hi all … Or those who are still following me… Apologies for the long absence – and for any spelling mistakes as I’m writing this from my phone. I’m not back for good (yet) but I almost feel like I owe you an explanation of where I have been all this time.

Well firstly my arm… Remember a few months back I mentioned that my arm was hurting a lot? Well rather than getting better its got progressively worse. I finally went to the doctors about a month ago and he thought I had torn a ligament in my shoulder thanks to an incident at work involving my boss’ dog. I’ve been going to physical therapy for the last few weeks and he thinks its actually underlying long term nerve damage which was merely bought to attention thanks to that dog.

Either way it’s fucking horrible. The near-constant ache makes me feel physically sick and I’m so frustrated with the effect it’s having on my everyday life. Sleeping is a bitch, cooking is a pain in the arse… Can openers and jars are my worst enemies right now… It hurts to write, type, drive… I can do it all but god it makes me fucking miserable. It’s like a toothache… Just there… Pissing me off all the time. It’s draining. So that was the main reason I stopped writing… Purely the fact that I physically couldn’t keep up with the act of regularly blogging.

Emotionally I’m ok but at some point i got so overwhelmed in every way possible about things – good and bad – that I just couldn’t write it all down and had some kind of blog meltdown.

I’m still seeing my counsellor and she’s amazing… She even hugs me after each session :) Hubby is doing really well in his sessions, I’m so proud of the work he’s doing. He started hypnotherapy (with the same therapist) a week or so ago and that seems to be helping a lot.

Our first anniversary (which I was so anxious about) came and went and oh my it was amazing. It’s already in the “happy book” and I will share it with you once I’m back on track.

Then there is the relationship biggie- he told me his 10… THE big secret (which I won’t be sharing with you I’m afraid lol) … That was a while back now and the world hasn’t imploded and we are still married – in fact we are now stronger than ever- so I think that should be all you need to know as far as his 10 goes

Finally there’s the bombshell that was dropped last month…and the second biggest thing that has affected me every day since (the first being my blimmin arm)…we were told by his work that rather than having another year in the UK we actually needed to be living in America by the end of October THIS YEAR! At first I freaked out, panicking that WE were not ready for this. I confided in my friend (who knows everything) and she asked me to think of how our relationship is without all the past/therapy stuff and if I would be happy with him if it didn’t exist and honestly I would. Taking all of that away leaves us fine and happy, we still talk and cuddle and don’t fight much (apart from the odd nag but that doesn’t count) so that’s how I’m looking at it. As well as the amount of progress he has made – from not talking or understanding his feelings to at least trying to and wanting to and finding himself bit by bit- in reality he has come a long way – even if I (or us normal people lol) can’t see it AND WE have made progress together too.

With that logic I felt a bit more confident but still weary… Until a shit load of other stuff was thrown into the mix (which i cant and wont go into) meaning there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be able to go with him… And it was then that I realised how much it meant to me. In an instant I went from “can I really be thinking of doing this?” To “fuck this I’m going even if it kills me!!” – funny how things make you realise what matters isn’t it? The idea I had originally given myself a year to ponder was finalised in one moment.

Of course i’m not taking it lightly, i’m not forgetting that there is a lot of work still to be done and i’ve covered my arse incase shit hits the fan once we are over there but the way I see it is a change of scenery can’t be that bad. Why not travel the world while working on all of this? And to be honest the shock news has glued us even stronger together, we became solid, a force, a good team- planning and preparing for the future… It’s been a nice reminder of how strong we really are.

So… It looks like we are going to America. We have managed to get it pushed back till December though which gives us time to tie up a few loose ends before we leave.

So -like I said to BeetleyPete- there’s just a lot going on right now and more time to think about stuff or get on with stuff than to write it all down lol but I’m not curled in a corner or losing the will to live so I guess that means I’m ok lol -though trying to sort out an international move with a dead arm is frustrating as hell!

So… That’s that. I genuinely hope you are all doing well. Hopefully soon I will be back to my usual blogging self… I’m sure I’ll have a lot to write about once we are finally across the pond.

xBx

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21 Comments

Posted by on September 14, 2013 in The Present -How things are

 

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Motivation Monday – Blog blocking

^^^^ like cock blocking but in the blog sense lol

I am now a member :)

I am now a member :)

My head is still all over the place – which I’m sure this post will be too- don’t get me wrong I’m not cuddled up on the sofa sobbing every day it’s more that I have so much to write about AND think about AND do that I’m struggling to get my thoughts written out… Aside from that by the time I find the time to write them I’m either feeling good and almost wanting to avoid thinking about it all over again… Or I’m just Blimmin shattered
The other thing killing my blogging vibe is my eye…I had an eye test last week and he said that one eye has improved while the other has gotten slightly worse- actually it’s the eye that usually feels the full force of my migraines so I assume with it working overdrive to see through an out of a 2 year old prescription that’s more than likely causing them – not to mention the usual stress/hormone headaches and change in heat adding to them.

Work is still going great by the way, I’m insured to drive the van so have been driving this massive thing around – if they witnessed my attempts to park a normal sized car I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have agreed to it lol but anyway that means that I’m now driving at least 3 times as much as usual and straining my eye a lot more too… So obviously once home the last thing I feel like doing is staring at a screen and pushing them even further – unfortunately this includes reading the eBook I was (and still am) looking forward to.

Lately my arm is giving me jip too. We rented a car a few weeks back…for a whole month as apparently hard braking takes its toll on my brake pads lol, his car has gone to the little scrap heap in the sky so he’s been driving mine the short distance to work and I’m in charge of the rental until my new pads/discs arrive… However the way I’ve been sitting must be different as my elbow is feeling it now, along with passing out every night in dodgy sleep positions AND a nice incident with my bosses wheelchair ramp adding to it so the idea of bending it to type a full blog post doesn’t thrill me lol. I’m keeping that bad boy straight every chance I get.

Are you convinced by all that? Still wondering the real reason I’ve been gone? Damn you…knowing me too well lol…Of course the above really is pissing me off and physically affecting my blogging life but the elephant in the room for me right now would be our anniversary which is 2 weeks away. Its our one year anniversary of marriage…and every time I think about it I cry :/ I am anxious as hell about ‘celebrating’ a year of surviving marriage and avoiding divorce…when we only just managed to do that! It makes me feel like a fake, it reminds me of the shit we have been through and the closer the day comes the more emotionally unstable I get. I talked it out in counselling last week and I WILL get around to writing about it fully now that me feelings on it are a little clearer and less confused. PINKY PROMISE.

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Cake #3

So what on earth have I been doing?… Well instead of blogging I’ve been spending time with hubby, planning his birthday stuff, getting creative with presents and practicing cake decorating. The last one (double layer cake) was taken into his work and prompted a request for a pink, flowery cake for a workmates wife – which I was thrilled (and a little bit proud) about…until I realised its for the day after hubbys birthday lol so this week I will be making 2 cakes from scratch and decorating them ready for the weekend…wish me luck.

For one of his presents I’ve decorated a jar and printed off a few (personal) positive genuines on little strips of paper so when he’s feeling shit he can read a few of them – simple idea and many of the positives are simple too but hopefully it will help him remember that his positive things each day don’t need to be materialistic or big… little things work too; also maybe reading some of the things I feel I would be happy about in his situation will make him realise them too.

I have to say writing them was difficult in itself; Before everything happened I had written him a letter listing all the things I loved about him/us so I figured I could use most of those in the jar…but reading them back made me sad…a lot of it was about how I could trust him or how genuine he was…(I actually cringed reading them back :/) so I’ve had to start from scratch and find positive spins on the usual traits and adapt them to suit him…it was sad…BUT it was also quite good for me to do that because it made me realise them too, of course there are good things about him which I love! Silly Beth! …now I have a whole list to remind me on the shit days too lol.

My Happy Book :)

My Happy Book :)

Speaking of which I now have a brand spanking new HAPPY BOOK :D My last blog spent quite a bit of time telling the stories from my little book of happiness, a book full of quotes, sayings, photos…things stuck in…anything which I had experienced that left me smiling for days and which would bring back that smile the instant I read/saw them on one of the pages. After everything came out this year a fair bit of that happy book seemed tainted and void, not much of that happy stuff was genuine (i.e. stuff relating to my husband) and so the book had the opposite effect whenever I opened it…as did my blog…and so i got rid of both of them…and that was shit…like…REALLY shit. What made things even worse was when that friend of mine fucked off -again tainting many of the happy things from that book so there really wasn’t much good left in it :/ Well, seeing as I have now got into the habit of finding positives, getting out and about…pretty much making new…REAL, untainted memories I figured it was time to start a fresh book and fill it with goodness. And so I did :)- and that alone makes me smile :) – maybe I will share some of them with you too.  (Pete you’re in the happy book btw)
Goals for this week

  • BeetlyPete kindly did some research for places to send my Vinyl singles and on following up on his lead I now know where to take them. This man has kindly agreed to sort through them and see what they’re worth…the problem being that I can’t move them from one side of the room to the other…let alone in and out of my car and across the town (there are about 2,000 of them…that’s some heavy lifting lol) so I need to wait until hubby is off work at a time when the store is open so he can help me. It’s also at least an hours travel from me so planning is key… SO… Call him and tell him to hold his horses and figure out a date that we can go.
  • I want to blog my arse off… so hopefully this week I can do that a little – depending on my arm/head…and of course whether its nice out or not as if it is then I will be enjoying that while I have the chance…so either of those will do. I do have some awards which need posting so hopefully I will get a chance to do those if not more :)
  • Make not one but two fan-friggin-tastic cakes

PoGeHaGo

  • I wore an outfit I wouldn’t usually go for this weekend…and I survived
  • I got to write this…without getting a migraine
  • Hubby and me had the day off together and had a nice meal in the garden of the place we got married
 
21 Comments

Posted by on July 15, 2013 in Under construction

 

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#13 As sick as your secrets

**Continuing on from my last post (here) ***

Number 9 Sign

Number 9 Sign (Photo credit: tedeytan)

In order for this to make as much sense as possible, its probably a good idea to read back (if you haven’t already) about our rating scale technique – posted here.

After telling me how he knows he can trust me and explaining that its hard to tell me the things he WANTS to tell me let alone the things he’s not ready to talk about yet…he then said something which made my heart stop.

“I’m really tempted to tell you my 10…but I don’t feel like it’s right yet…

so are you ready for a 9?”

Of course I wont go into detail of it here but that 9 of his was shocking…and not in the way you would assume. what took me by surprise was how NORMAL his 9 was…this massive secret which he was too scared to say to anyone for his entire life…this 9 out of 10 on the scale of difficulty…was something so…common that had I not known it was a ’9′ for him i probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he told me.

I’ll give you what I think would be a (fictional of course) comparison of this ’9′ of his…

  • ‘I wet the bed till I was 11′
  • ‘I still cry at Disney films’
  • ‘I’m afraid of the dark’

Of course the content was a relief…you would assume something as hard to disclose as that would automatically mean it’s something bad but -like she said before- it’s not always the content that is hard to tell…it’s just that its something of his. What has blown my mind repeatedly in all of this is how little he has ‘Googled’ about this stuff…because if he had then he may have worked out by now that he is not weird…or that other people go through this stuff too. Regardless, because I knew how hard it was to tell me- BEFORE he told me, I was able to react in an encouraging way. Instead of shrugging it off i thanked him for letting me in, instead of giggling or making an inappropriate joke i was able to take it seriously and actually listen to what he was telling me but most importantly i was able to reassure him that he is not a freak…that he shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and that this thing is more common than he realises…I was able to put his mind at ease -so in that sense the rating scale saved the day as without it i probably wouldn’t have reacted – or appreciated it – the same way.

His therapist had explained to me how he should be telling himself ‘its ok…nothing bad happened’ at any times when he does something which he sees as a ‘fuck up’ – for example spilling a drink like I explained in the post about the oxygen mask…OR when he tells me something of his. So again I was able to remind him of that once he told me his 9- literally by telling him ‘see…nothing bad has happened…its ok’ and then physically by keeping my body language the same, by kissing him etc -My health and social care teacher would be proud lol…those A levels are really paying off now ha ha.

He allowed me to ask questions so I started slow and eventually (a handful of questions later) we got to a point where he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I let it go and we carried on as normal (see…nothing happened!) I thought it only fair to share one of my higher numbers with him to even the score but again, seeing as I’m probably a bit too open all i could find was a 5/6…that being a poem I had written on the Community Storyboard about cuddling him in bed (here) The reason that was a 5/6 was because its my true feelings about us and its MY blog but I shared that with him (whilst hiding behind a pillow) and he liked it so I think we both felt a little lighter after that- and closer to each other too.

For me to find a 5/6 is pretty rare…there’s not a lot that i wouldn’t tell him or share with him…or not much that i would find difficult anyway… but there was ONE other 5 that I let him into and that was meeting BeetleyPete a few weeks ago. For me meeting Pete (and Mrs Pete) was important to ME. It involved going somewhere I usually go by myself…one of my happy places I suppose (which I don’t have many of now I live here) and introducing my husband to THE blogging legend himself. It was something I was looking forward to and I was almost a little bit protective of…something I didn’t want to be tainted by anything or anyone…something for me…which I allowed him into…something I shared with him. THAT was hard for me to do…but I did it…and nothing bad happened :)

Another thing his therapist had explained during that session was what he would feel like after divulging something of his; and so with this information and knowing how big this secret was for him I was prepared for what happened next. I knew how shit he would be feeling…and it was obvious that he was; He said he felt physically sick and that night he asked me NOT to cuddle him in bed (and apologised for asking lol) But i understood why he was being that way so did whatever I could to make him see that no matter what I was still here for him and that this secret had not and would not change anything. For the next few days he was a little bit ‘off’ but I was able to let him ride the wave without giving him too much shit for being in a mood and keep reassuring him without actually making a big deal out of it.

Its been a while since his 9…and he’s back to normal as far as the aftermath of it goes but he’s still not ready for his 10…and I am not pushing for it. Its good to know he felt safe enough to open up to me – and that I knew how to handle it once he did; I think – for us- this was a major breakthrough, I feel closer to him – almost smug actually lol- and I hope he feels closer to me too…but most importantly I hope I have shown him that it IS ok to let me in…because nothing bad happens when he does :)

xBx

 

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Deep Breath

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.

stress

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

WELCOME TO MY WORLD (Photo credit: FUNKYAH)

He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued

xBx

 
 

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