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Part 1: Tip of the iceberg

20 Mar
Iceberg

Iceberg (Photo credit: graceinhim)

So for a relationship which I thought was fine, how is it that this revelation came to be after a session at couples counselling? Well there was one ongoing issue we had from early on which I didn’t see as much of a problem, turns out that was the tip of the iceberg…

*** Warning this post contains sexual details so get ready for TMI – though I’ve tried to make it as tame as possible***

In the short time before we made it official there was one ‘unusual’ happening – and what turned out to be the starting point for our un-doing. It became clear that during sex he couldn’t climax.

One of the first times we had been intimate he had had no problem ‘finishing’ and a good number of times after that we would fool around after going out for a few drinks-even then he had no problem performing- so when the ‘happy ending’ never arrived I put it down to alcohol.

A few weeks later he confessed that it just never happened for him, it hadn’t when he lost his virginity, it hadn’t with other girls, it was literally only when he pleasured himself and that ONE TIME with me…he had only ever climaxed (with the help of someone else) once in his whole life!

For me this wasn’t a deal breaker, yes it was frustrating but it HAD happened with us so we knew it wasn’t impossible, there was room for experimentation – who wouldn’t want that in a new(ish) relationship?? We could find ways to make it fun, it would be a secret challenge and overall the fact that he didn’t get his happy ending almost guaranteed would have mine every single time…now if that’s not a silver lining…well I don’t know what is.

I suggested that at the times we were apart – which was usually a week but sometimes 2- we would abstain from “DIY”. I figured maybe he had become desensitised to reality thanks to his own handy work, his technique and from watching porn. I don’t look like a porn star, I don’t shag like a porn star… Sex for me is intimate, it’s trust, it’s love.. It’s not acting and screaming the house down. Not only that but physically I wouldn’t be able to replicate how he pleasures himself. He agreed.

However, the next time we were together nothing had changed. This happened a few times until I finally discovered that he hadn’t kept to his end of the deal, in fact he had registered to a few more sites so it’s fair to say I was pissed. I put it down to him being lonely without me, to him not seeing it as much of an issue either and just a release, I figured once we lived together and he could have sex on tap things would change… Porn wouldn’t need to come into play… I never knew I could be so wrong about something which i thought was so insignificant.

xBx

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9 responses to “Part 1: Tip of the iceberg

  1. beetleypete

    March 20, 2013 at 10:51 am

    Really getting it out there B. It can only be good for you, as telling the world is often re-telling yourself too. It might also give you that strange view, only obtainable in the blogging format; that of observing your life through your own words, yet somehow as an ‘outsider’. Hope that doesn’t sound too weird, at least I know what I mean! Waiting for part 2. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 20, 2013 at 11:35 am

      I get it Pete, Thank you. its really therapeutic – especially thinking it over again and letting the new info click into place. Things start making sense and I see that I wasnt ‘fooled’ the whole time because I was actively striving to get to the bottom of this issue back then…I got to the bottom of it eventually (and it was a shitty discovery) BUT i did what i set out to do.
      This backstory is starting over a year ago so there will be a few parts to come lol, no chance i could have gotten it all into one post x

       
  2. Donna Gwinnell Weidner

    March 20, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    I admire you B. It’s blogs like yours that touch people’s hearts. And I’m 100% certain it will inspire those in similar boats to set out on their own road to healing. In my experience, every conflict we have is rooted within ourselves – great and small, from drug/alcohol/sex addiction to poor self esteem, the range is wide and each one of them is a destructive force – every issue has its reason for being and when we set our intention on finding it, facing it, forgiving ourselves (more so than a perpetrator) and letting it go – the results are phenomenal. But we’ve got to peel the onion first and be willing to dig deep. So now I’ll get off my soap box…keep it up. I wish you all the very best!
    P.S. your ‘like’ button only shows up after hitting ‘comments’ – if that matters to you.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 20, 2013 at 2:43 pm

      Thank you Donna, feel free to step back up on that soap box anytime, its comments like that that keep me strong and make me feel supported (in the way that only blogging can lol) so thank you very much. Its also great to have people who have been in/are going through similar things to bounce opinions and experience off of. Makes me feel less alone.
      Its going to be hard but so far I am finding that re-visiting the past is very therapeutic in itself.

      Very strange about the like button, i’ll have another look
      Thanks Bx

       

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