So for a relationship which I thought was fine, how is it that this revelation came to be after a session at couples counselling? Well there was one ongoing issue we had from early on which I didn’t see as much of a problem, turns out that was the tip of the iceberg…
*** Warning this post contains sexual details so get ready for TMI – though I’ve tried to make it as tame as possible***
In the short time before we made it official there was one ‘unusual’ happening – and what turned out to be the starting point for our un-doing. It became clear that during sex he couldn’t climax.
One of the first times we had been intimate he had had no problem ‘finishing’ and a good number of times after that we would fool around after going out for a few drinks-even then he had no problem performing- so when the ‘happy ending’ never arrived I put it down to alcohol.
A few weeks later he confessed that it just never happened for him, it hadn’t when he lost his virginity, it hadn’t with other girls, it was literally only when he pleasured himself and that ONE TIME with me…he had only ever climaxed (with the help of someone else) once in his whole life!
For me this wasn’t a deal breaker, yes it was frustrating but it HAD happened with us so we knew it wasn’t impossible, there was room for experimentation – who wouldn’t want that in a new(ish) relationship?? We could find ways to make it fun, it would be a secret challenge and overall the fact that he didn’t get his happy ending almost guaranteed would have mine every single time…now if that’s not a silver lining…well I don’t know what is.
I suggested that at the times we were apart – which was usually a week but sometimes 2- we would abstain from “DIY”. I figured maybe he had become desensitised to reality thanks to his own handy work, his technique and from watching porn. I don’t look like a porn star, I don’t shag like a porn star… Sex for me is intimate, it’s trust, it’s love.. It’s not acting and screaming the house down. Not only that but physically I wouldn’t be able to replicate how he pleasures himself. He agreed.
However, the next time we were together nothing had changed. This happened a few times until I finally discovered that he hadn’t kept to his end of the deal, in fact he had registered to a few more sites so it’s fair to say I was pissed. I put it down to him being lonely without me, to him not seeing it as much of an issue either and just a release, I figured once we lived together and he could have sex on tap things would change… Porn wouldn’t need to come into play… I never knew I could be so wrong about something which i thought was so insignificant.
- Girls ‘being pressured to look like porn stars’ by boys growing up on pornography (metro.co.uk)
- The Iceberg Coaching Story (cindykoocoaching.wordpress.com)
- the iceberg (skyeblaine.wordpress.com)