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Part 4: Porn Again

23 Mar
pornography

pornography (Photo credit: cudmore)

During all of this, like I have mentioned before, I was up for experimenting in the bedroom. I had offered to watch porn with him (despite HATING it), I was willing to put myself out of my comfort zone in order to see if anything made a difference…plus its always fun to have fun in bed…but he declined my offer. There wasn’t anything specific that he wanted to try and to be honest I was starting to feel like a sex pest, desperate to please him and being embarrassingly shot down most of the time.

One day whilst he was out I logged onto Netflix to watch a film and there on the first screen was the ’previously viewed’ list. It was a number of raunchy tv shows, one in particular about a brothel. I asked him about it when he got home and it turned out that one night – when my friend had been visiting – he had gone to bed due to an early start the next day and masturbated whilst watching the programme…and whilst my friend and I were downstairs.

To say I was pissed off is putting it lightly, at the time he was still trying out the anxiety meds and had agreed from doing the above act. By now he had been taken off them again so really he had never given the pills a chance to work for US. I was shocked and disappointed and this time I couldn’t hide it. I would never do that with my (willing) husband in the house…because it would be disrespectful to him and if he found out he would feel inadequate…and more to the point i would have no need to! I felt completely short changed…I was walking on eggshells constantly to save his feelings, to avoid causing more damage to an already fragile issue…yet he was free to shatter my confidence and ignore the rules for his own selfish satisfaction? FUCK…THAT!

After a few days in the doghouse I calmed down and we got past it, I figured that if I considered the facts- he was on the meds and it was possible that they had restored his libido- then I couldn’t be too pissed about it…plus it wouldn’t benefit us or help either of our confidence levels (or sex lives) by staying angry. I forgave him but didn’t hold back when expressing my feelings on the situation.

xBx

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10 responses to “Part 4: Porn Again

  1. beetleypete

    March 23, 2013 at 1:33 pm

    I think that a pattern is forming here…You cannot always have your cake and eat in life, and marriage is a motorway of trust, where you cannot have traffic going the other way. The word in my mind is ‘selfish’. However, I do not want to be partisan, or too hasty to judge, so will await more updates. regards as always, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 23, 2013 at 1:35 pm

      Thanks Pete, selfish is a word I used a lot at the time so I agree with you on that xB

       
  2. behindthemaskofabuse

    March 23, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    I was informed recently because of a past yucky situation in my past that there are men that have porn addictions and as a result can only climax to porn, it can stem from abuse. I’m sorry things are so difficult for you.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 23, 2013 at 4:13 pm

      Thank you, yes it wasn’t long after this that I discovered that myself and things clicked into place. Heartbreaking but it’s a little easier knowing its not my fault (as horrible as that sounds) xB

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        March 23, 2013 at 4:14 pm

        I’m so glad you know it’s not your fault!! That’s not horrible at all. This must be so very painful for you even knowing it’s not your fault. xo

         
  3. Catmandue

    March 26, 2013 at 5:27 am

    I am a fairly normal (for a given measurement of normal) guy. I have sex with a lady I know once or twice a week, and I also masturbate.

    I have been told, and have read in numerous books (written by respected authors) that masturbation is a normal part of a person’s life. Men & women both do it, although the men seem more willing to admit to doing it than the women. Both sexes look guilty of something when they finally admit to doing it.

    I do not masturbate to excess, as some people admit to doing. Perhaps once a night for a few nights in a row, then nothing for a few days. There is no rhyme nor rhythm to it.

    However, when I do masturbate, it is *almost always* to pornographic pictures or videos. My sex life is very predictable, and while not boring in any sense of the word, it has gotten a bit of a vanilla flavour to it. I am unable to reach orgasm without a visual aid. And for me, that really is what is it. I find something to watch, masturbate, and then turn it off.

    In my case, porn is not the problem, but rather the solution to a need I have.

    And while many, many people are quick to shoot down porn, the facts about porn are undeniable: there are more porn sites on the internet than any other kind of site. Porn is the most profitable enterprise on the internet. Many, many people derive their sole income from some involvement in the porn industry. Many “webmaster” supplement their income by being a member of a collective of porn sites that refer sites to each other, and charge the users *something* to be able and watch that porn.

    So… porn is bad? For certain reasons, yes. So… porn is good? For certain reasons — mostly an income of some kind — then yes.

    I do not personally believe that the existence of (freely available) porn on the internet is going to have a negative effect on most people’s lives. In point of fact, only a very slight percentage of people who are exposed to porn suffer *any* ill effects because of it. Many men and a *substantial* number of women admit to watching porn and enjoying it for one reason or another.

    Many relationships continue to exist from the mere fact that a lot of men get horny when they see porn. They can either masturbate, or they can find someone to have sex with. In a monogamous relationship, that person is (usually) their significant other. And… and this is important… even though most people know that porn is somehow involved, they choose not to talk negativity about it because it has in fact had a *positive* effect on the relationship.

    I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I feel that someone should speak up on behalf of those of us who partake of porn, but not to excess.

    Cheers,

    .rob.

    p.s. — I am really liking the blog here… I think you have done a fantastic job with it, and with yourself. My comment here should not be construed as a negative view of the blog as a whole. I just felt compelled to drop my .02 cents worth in here.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 26, 2013 at 11:25 am

      Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. It’s always good to hear opinions of the other point of view entirely – regardless of whether I agree or like it etc.

      Whilst I appreciate that masturbation is normal, what isn’t normal – or acceptable- is to depend on it so early on in life… Or a in a marriage and even more so to lie about it to such an extent. It’s the lying that’s the problem.

      I have been honest on my thoughts about porn from the start, but at the same time I was willing to open my mind to it and watch it with him, he wasn’t interested. It’s not a case of being put off by my feelings on it, it’s about being selfish enough to continue to keep it separate from me and to lie about it…despite the effect it has on our relationship.

      To have a problem with quitting for a week… Thats when it becomes an issue. In his defence he didn’t know pre-living together that he had a problem, he believed the urge would die but it didn’t.

      I’m all for privacy and alone time but when doing it is harming others (yes me) then it isn’t ok. When its affecting a relationship, a marriage… And a relatively new one then it becomes an issue.

      If he were to catch me at it he would feel rubbish. It would kill whatever self confidence he has because he wouldn’t feel good enough (and that’s with me NOT using porn) but for him, knowing how I feel, knowing that I have been pushing my own limits for OUR sake, getting out of my comfort zone to try to satisfy his needs…to then carry on with it is not fair. its selfish, its betrayal, its lies.

       
  4. Nowan Zen

    May 11, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Having the freedom to express your needs and desires should be a given. Having the courtesy of open discussion should also be a given.

    Forgiveness is a gift. I hope he appreciates your gift.

     

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