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Part 5: Gut Feeling

24 Mar
fo reelz

fo reelz (Photo credit: Joseph Robertson)

I had learned a long time ago to trust my gut. I had trusted it when accepting his proposal, when deciding on our wedding and when deciding to forgive him for previous hitches. But at this time my gut was telling me something was wrong but I couldn’t quite figure it out.

For a while After porn- gate our sex lives improved, he initiated it more often and made me feel wanted but one day something changed. He had started making excuses to avoid intimacy with me, at first I put it down to the therapy fail sinking in but after a while they became embarrassing and obvious. One night in particular he had come home and practically ignored me. It was like I didn’t exist, he had been distant and made another excuse – saying he was tired and ready to sleep – but then playing on his Xbox for hours. Usually I don’t mind him playing it but the reasoning vs actions didn’t add up. I went with logic and gut and not a lot else and confronted him about it. I demanded to know what he wasn’t telling me. I asked him if he was cheating, if he had maybe been feeling guilty for flirting at work or something (as I had recognised the signs from previous relationships)

He confessed that most mornings – regardless of whether we had been intimate or not the night before- he had been waking up early, watching porn and masturbating and then coming back upstairs to kiss me goodbye.
***gob smacked***
He had been doing this since we moved in together… Watching porn, masturbating… Despite knowing my feelings on it, despite pledging to stop doing it on more than one occasion… For HIS sake… Not mine! I had put myself out there, I had supported him, I had sacrificed shit too and it was all for nothing… But the worst thing was he had lied to me! SO many times, week after week, he’d kept it from me, time after time he had lied to me, let me try new things FOR him, let me get excited about progress…

Explosion

Explosion (Photo credit: gynti_46)

I let it all out that day, I exploded and was finally brutally honest – not just edited honest or bite my tongue honest but brutal. I told him he was really fucking selfish, that I didn’t deserve to be lied to and that I had put up with more than enough shit, had been sensitive to HIS needs all this time and it was time he did the same for me.I asked him what it was that made him do it?, what was different about sneaking off and watching utter sad, pathetic filth? Why he had bothered lying about stopping?

It was at this point that he Admitted couldn’t stop. He said he didn’t realise until he had tried and e thought it would be different living together but he can’t stop. It was the pleasuring himself (not porn watching) that he couldn’t stop, the release it gave him, the sensation of actually feeling SOMETHING while not having to put on a show for me.

I was heartbroken, I felt disgusting and worthless and even though he was the reason he was also the cure. We spent almost a week sleeping in separate beds- what’s that you said about the honeymoon period? Lol

Once calm and after having time to think I told him again how it made me feel, how I was hurt about being lied to and how I felt disrespected. I told him I understood his frustration and the need to satisfy himself BUT that there wasn’t any excuse to Use porn. There were ways he could do that WITH me, we could please ourselves… Together. If he felt embarrassed we could turn the lights off, I could be blind folded… Whatever. I understood how he was feeling (to a point) and explained that as his wife, as his best friend, he needs to be able to trust me enough to express his desires WITH me. I’m a pretty open and easy going person and he knows that but I’m not going to be walked all over and disrespected.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice (Photo credit: kipdev)

Our marriage is a 2 way relationship and I’m sorry but I have needs too. Its not fair banning sex if the other person is off knocking one out every other day is it!? I wanted to help him through this, but i wasn’t prepared to sacrifice every part of my happiness too. I was willing and supportive  but after doing things before and still having this situation as an end result my trust for him was shattered and my confidence was shot so I told him in order to move forward we needed to get help (together) from a marriage counsellor to help rebuild the trust he had broken.

The talk seemed to work and he agreed to getting help, he actually suggested things for us to do in the bedroom, role playing, dressing up etc for the first time I saw him excited about the idea of experimenting and trying new things…WITH ME. So we hatched a plan, we had a free weekend alone coming up so we were going to hit up Ann summers and stock up on whatever caught our eye AND we would make an appointment for counselling… Together.

(Aren’t you glad I’m doing the backstory in installments? lol)
xBx

 

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8 responses to “Part 5: Gut Feeling

  1. beetleypete

    March 24, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    I think it is predominantly men that find Porn exciting, though obviously not exclusively men. There has to be a dividing line between fantasy and reality, and it must always be uppermost in your mind. Some men, and I suspect that your husband was/is one, allow the Porn to become dominant, at the expense of the ‘real’ relationship. The very fact that he was prepared to admit this, and discuss it with you, might at first seem helpful, and progressive. Sadly, I believe that it indicates an acceptance of Porn in his/your life that exceeds all normal values. It should be taken as read that most men would find you attractive, and especially one that wanted to marry you, and spend a life with you. I doubt that this is the issue. The world of Internet Porn opens up previously unimagined possibilities. Most men just know that they have to deal with them, and act reasonably. Some, yours included, allow this to become the major part of their lives. Looking forward to some progress in the next chapter! Regards to you, as always, Pete. X

     
    • greenembers

      March 24, 2013 at 1:13 pm

      What Pete said. He took all the good words, lol. Like him, I’m hoping for progress too in the next chapter.

       
      • Comfortably Numb

        March 24, 2013 at 1:36 pm

        Thank you, that’s the problem with Pete – he always steals all the good words 😉

         
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 24, 2013 at 1:30 pm

      Thanks Pete, great insight as always. What pissed me of the most was that a lot of times it’s women turning down their husbands or men moaning that they wouldn’t put out. I’m not a prude, I don’t deny him of it… And yet to find this out… Pfft some people just don’t realise what they’ve got. xB

       
  2. behindthemaskofabuse

    March 24, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    it’s too bad he didn’t know what he had. i agree with the other two!

     
  3. crazybunny66

    March 24, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    dito, looks like I´ve got to get up earlier to beat Pete 😉

     

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