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Part 8: The truth comes out

27 Mar
Heartbroken

Heartbroken (Photo credit: buckofive)

The next week was interesting, I liked the idea of teasing him and building up to the moment the ban was lifted, he however wasn’t so keen to be teased and instead impressed me with his self control. So much so that that weekend I visited a friend and trusted him alone at home with all the equipment for a bit of DIY but the promise that he wouldn’t.

The day of the ban lift arrived, we saw our counsellor and established that – like we already knew- taking sex out of the equation didn’t change anything. We were still strong regardless. That night we were excited, this time we had actually made it a whole week so this was the moment if truth… But still no joy.

I admit it was an anticlimax in more ways than one. I had been hopeful but still he felt nothing. I was annoyed that after all this time we were only figuring this out now. If he had stayed true to his word before then we could have crossed it ff the list months ago and gotten all of this disappointment out of the way. Oh well at least we knew now and we were still satisfied one way or another.

The next morning I felt better, he was at work and I mustered up the motivation to start working on my resume. I logged on and (my heart is beating so hard just thinking about it) the first thing I found was… You guessed it… Porn! For fucks sake!!

I had messaged him just moments before telling him how great the night before was, how we would figure something out and I would support him regardless… What a fucking idiot.

Shocked I stared at the screen and a message popped up from him for me telling me he loved me. Instantly I replied calling him every name under the sun. He pretended he didn’t know what I was talking about so I asked why PORN would be the first thing on my screen??!

The messages stopped.

I was devastated… What an utter wanker! … Literally! The morning after.. Less than 24 hours later and he was back at it again! Within what seemed like minutes he was banging on the front door having left work to sort this out.

“Here I am… I’m sick… I’m disgusting”
I asked him why. He said he didn’t know.
I asked him how many times he had watched it since the ban was put into place… 3!
I asked him where he did it.. And where I was. He said I didn’t want to know.
I demanded. Once at home while I was at my friends. Once this morning while I was upstairs sleeping and once in the car outside work one morning!
Shaking I asked what he used while in the car. He said nothing… just his thoughts.
I asked what he thought about. He said he thought about the last time we watched porn!

*heart sinks*

I tried to stop my head from spinning but didn’t have enough time before he dropped the next bombshell on me…

“I think we should probably get a divorce”

*heart…breaks*

He went on to tell me he can’t stop, he keeps hurting me and he can’t keep hurting me… But he will. He said he didn’t see a way past this and divorce was the only option as far as he was concerned. He would rather live alone than continue to hurt me. It was too much to take in, too many emotions running through me at once…disgust, insecurity, anger, disappointment, shock…and now heartache accompanied by sheer panic.

I didn’t want to lose him, that’s not what marriage is! You don’t just give up…HE doesn’t have the right to call time on something that he has hardly put any effort into. I’m the one who has tried so hard, whom has supported him and put myself out there for him. I’m the one on the receiving end of this shit, I’m the one who is well within their rights to hold my hands up and say I cant try any more, Besides I sure as hell wasn’t about to let porn win the battle for my marriage…THAT alone would destroy me completely !

I did the only thing I could think of right then and called our counsellor to schedule an emergency appointment, I needed a mediator in this, there MUST be something else, he cant just end us over a w*nk…I also needed someone there as a way to guarantee I wouldn’t lose control and kick the shit out of him. I’m not a violent person, I’ve never hit him but my emotions were all over the place and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to stay calm alone in a room with him.

Luckily he was free to see us so we set off to talk this out…in separate cars.

xBx

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8 responses to “Part 8: The truth comes out

  1. beetleypete

    March 27, 2013 at 10:27 am

    The tension is certainly racking up now B! The first thing I feel I have to say, is that he wanted to get caught. It is a simple thing to ‘delete history’, and very easy to install a programme (for free) that wipes all history in a more secure way, with overwriting software. We use something similar for online banking security, and it clears everything. So, he must have wanted the issue to be raised, at least subconsciously, if not deliberately.
    This means that at least you weer able to find out it had been going on, instead of soldiering on, blissfully unaware. In some ways, that is little consolation though. Despite ‘looking forward’ to the next installment, I wish there wasn’t one. This is someone’s real life, not a novel…As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 27, 2013 at 11:22 am

      Thank Pete, i thought the same when i discovered it. Its SO easy to delete history, hes done it before so – like leaving obvious cutting marks on an arm it felt like a cry for help (an annoying, slap worthy cry but a cry none the less) xB

       
  2. greenembers

    March 27, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    This is such a rollercoaster! I’m glad to see that you weren’t willing to give up without a fight! I really liked how you phrased that bit, paragraph starting with, “I didn’t want to lose him…”

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 27, 2013 at 1:09 pm

      Thank you, it was (and is) a rollercoaster indeed. I think that part is my favourite bit too (of this post) it was that point where i thought (and said) ‘erm excuse me…NO!’ *stamps feet*
      That was the real, raw emotion right there xB

       
  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    March 27, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    I can’t imagine how heart broken you must have been at that point. xo

     
  4. Lilith Colbert

    June 5, 2013 at 3:28 am

    I really hope y’all can pull through this…. I spent a good part of my life, no counseling mind you, blaming myself for what I couldn’t give the man I once loved that he had to spend money on porn instead of paying his speeding tickets (which, incidentally, I bailed him out of jail for as a result). I realize now it wasn’t ME, it was HIM, That above all you should remind yourself, make it your mantra – this is HIS disease, NOT your lack or fault or flaws that make him this way.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 6, 2013 at 5:18 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words, I’m sorry you went through that :/ xB

       

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