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Part 9: Secrets & Lies

28 Mar
wait

wait (Photo credit: CmdrFire)

The counsellor asked what was going on at which point I just glared at my husband and signalled him to speak
“Well… She found out I had been watching porn and masturbating”
I glared again waiting for the rest but he left it at that! The counsellor began to speak and I raised my hand to stop him before adding “erm AND he wants a divorce” The counsellor laughed for a split second, assuming I was joking, before realising I was serious. He separated us so he could talk to us separately…my husband went first.

The wait was excruciating but soon enough the door opened, my husband left and I was called in. Panicked about where he had gone I was informed he had stepped out for a breather but would be back. He asked me what I knew about my husband, what I knew about his past…his upbringing. I told him what I knew…anything I could think of that might be relevant…he was possibly sexually abused, his mum is sick, his aunt would beat him regularly when he was young but he has blocked a lot out…he got into drugs and into trouble because of it…I stopped, at a loss and desperate to know what was going on.

My husband came back in and the 2 of us were encouraged to talk to each other. Of course he said nothing and left it for me to go first…how?? I don’t have a clue what’s going on…YOU GO! He told me that he had been lying to me, he wasn’t the person I thought he was…the person he had made out to be…he had A LOT of secrets and had lied to me since the start. Taken back I asked if he used to be a woman…SO inappropriate but I had to break the tension. He smiled, said no and then his expression changed completely. I asked him to explain more to me, what the lies were…. But he was vague and just kept saying ‘stuff’ or ‘everything’

Frustrated I turned to the counsellor and asked where we go from here as I still don’t know anything. He agreed and said that although he cant tell me himself he does think we need to talk about it. He explained to my husband that I needed to know, I should know…I deserved to know. Here was a woman who was willing to walk to the ends of the earth for her man…but she cant do that if he doesn’t let her in. He agreed to tell me…just not there, so we headed home with me still in the dark. Once home – and after a LOT of deflecting from him and practically begging from me he told me the truth.

Lies

Lies (Photo credit: mcritz)

‘Everything I have ever said to you (about feelings) has been a lie…I don’t know if I love you, I don’t know if I ever have and I don’t know if I ever can…I am numb. I feel nothing, not just for you…not just love…for anything…for anyone. I haven’t ever felt anything. If you say a lie enough times eventually it becomes true, I thought maybe if I said I loved you enough times I would believe it and I would feel it and it would be true. I thought if I said I was happy with you, if I pretended to be upset some times…but it hasn’t worked, every tear you’ve seen me shed has been fake, every smile, every laugh…its all been fake, its all been an act and I’m so tired of acting. I cant do it anymore’

Wow!

He told me that if he had been himself I would be miserable…but by acting and lying…he was miserable. He had tried to love me, he had really wanted to…but how could he love me if he had lied to such an extent? Or if he wasn’t being himself? He said he would miss me if I did leave, but didn’t think it would bother him that much whether I stayed or went and that I could take my time packing my things and arranging where I was going to go…..

HOLD…THE FUCK…ON.

You really want me to go? You really want to end this without even hearing my response? Without seeing if we could sort it out?

He was shocked…he asked how I could even think about moving past this with him, how I could ever forgive him and how I didn’t hate him at that moment -I know a few of you are probably asking the same thing right now but the answer: because I DO love him and I vowed to love him for better or worse…besides, he had lied to try and benefit both of us, yes it was still lying but he didn’t do it with the intention of breaking my heart, he had done it to try and find happiness for himself, he had acted in such a way that he knew made me happy… he hadn’t cheated, he hadn’t beaten me or been a horrible person…there was still a chance that I would love the ’real him’ just as much IF I got the chance to know him. I couldn’t have left without at least trying, without understanding what was happening to me…to US…or without taking some time to let everything sink in fully.

He packed a few bags and went to stay at a friends to give me us both some space to think about everything, to establish what we wanted, whether he felt anything and what to do next.

Left alone I was numb…ironically.

xBx

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20 responses to “Part 9: Secrets & Lies

  1. beetleypete

    March 28, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Well, as they say, you get there in the end; the truth will out. I can only imagine the complete sense of shock, and feeling of betrayal. I am surprised that your reaction was to stand by him, and to still try to work it through. That nicely shows the difference between male and female perspectives, and subsequent actions. The female urge is to care for, and protect, the male would be away as fast as a rat up a drainpipe. There are significant issues here B, and I fear that they go far beyond your ability to love and cherish, and must be so firmly rooted in dark episodes beyond your control. I anticipate more articles with trepidation. As always, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 28, 2013 at 11:24 am

      Thanks Pete,

      To be honest I was surprised by my reaction too but i knew i had to see it through to the end – whatever that may be. By this time i had googled my arse off and learnt alot about PTSD and personality disorders and everything had clicked so i knew there was SOMETHING behind it all.

      I didnt tell him this but i needed to stick it out to find out what that really was. I needed some kind of end result, be it him telling me nothing could change and it was over, him pushing me away to the extent of falling out of love with him myself – and leaving, or SOMETHING getting better. I needed closure and i couldnt give up.

      I also knew at the time that i alone couldnt ‘fix’ him but that i wasnt going to be the one to walk away so soon. x

       
  2. crazybunny66

    March 28, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    I’m sorry, I just don’t get him 😦 you were clearly happy beforehand, how can he have been faking all that and how can he not feel a thing? Is he clinically depressed and has his heart shut down as some kind of protection mode and if so, why? Sorry but he is so lucky to have you stand by him I hope one day, soon, he’ll realise what he’s got in you!! xx

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 28, 2013 at 5:58 pm

      Welcome to my life and mode of thinking lol. I have spent the past month killing myself thinking things like that. Hopefully we will find out soon :/
      I think the idea of marriage counselling was the kick start of all of it, I think he feared that the guy would see straight through it and panicked OR he saw it as an ideal situation to tell all.
      thank you for your comment and your kind words, I hope he realises soon too x

       
      • crazybunny66

        March 28, 2013 at 6:11 pm

        He’s bound to, surely?!xx

         
  3. Fat Bottom Girl

    March 28, 2013 at 11:47 pm

    The first thing that goes through my mind after reading all of this? Narcissistic personality disorder. I don’t know if that’s a conclusion your counselor will come to, but if you have read all of my blog, I have dealt with one of these guys too. Have you read much about NPD? Not that reading about it is going to make it any easier, but it might bring you some understanding. Unfortunately, if it is a personality disorder, it isn’t like there’s a “cure”.

    Shit, I feel so badly for you, because you seemed to be so happy. Keep your chin up girl, and even though I know you love him, always do what’s best for you and your kiddo!! I am always here if you need to vent! Hit up my email! 🙂

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 28, 2013 at 11:52 pm

      thanks hun, no i havent heard of that, ill get on google x

       
      • Fat Bottom Girl

        March 29, 2013 at 12:05 am

        Let me know if any of it sounds like what you’re experiencing.

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        March 29, 2013 at 12:19 am

        Ive looked it up and no i have to say i wouldnt agree with that, it has taken me to other personality disorders – in particular ICD impulse control disorder ‘an impulse, growing tension, pleasure from acting, relief from the urge and finally guilt ‘ that would make sense for the porn etc but still doesnt explain the numbness :/ all of this is absolutely heartbreaking x

         
      • Fat Bottom Girl

        March 29, 2013 at 12:27 am

        Check out this one. Many people with NPD can only satisfy themselves sexually.

        http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        March 29, 2013 at 12:36 am

        My head is about to explode with all of this, ive saved the links and ill go over them with my counsellor next week, thank you x

         
      • Fat Bottom Girl

        March 29, 2013 at 12:52 am

        Good luck!

         
      • Fat Bottom Girl

        March 29, 2013 at 12:52 am

        Good luck!

         
  4. behindthemaskofabuse

    March 29, 2013 at 1:30 am

    I noticed someone said NPD, but it doesn’t sound like that to me. My father was one, and they are mean, dangerous people who don’t care about anyone but them selves, they fly into rages, they use and abuse anyone.

    I live numb in many ways as because of all the pain I lived through, but I’m not Narcissistic. A narcissist would never see anything wrong with themselves, they would blame everyone else for their issues.

    Anyway that’s just my two sense. xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 29, 2013 at 10:51 am

      As always, thanks for the input. I agree, I have looked up NPD till my eyes ached and I dont think it applies to him. Yes there are some similarities but it sounds like they are mean spirited and cruel…it did make me wonder if this is just a big game to him but reading more about it there would be other signs so i dont believe the 2 match.

       
  5. Doggy's Style

    March 29, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    I tend to keep myself from feeling/falling in love because I don’t wanna get hurt, as soon as I start to get myself into it I start psyching out of it. Working on it with the shrink.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 29, 2013 at 1:16 pm

      Pre this relationship I was feeling and falling without wanting to because i knew i wouldnt and couldnt trust people thanks to horrible relationships in the past. I saw a hypnotherapist about my trust issues and he really helped me…to the point where i trusted and married someone i clearly shouldnt have lol….
      not sure where this comment was going, i was trying to be positive but really …i dont blame you. SOME people are (very bad words), im sure not everyone is out to hurt us but you do get to a point where the only way to stop that happening is to protect yourself like you have.

      I hope therapy works for you, I know im gonna need some stringer stuff after all this lol

       

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