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Part 10: Limbo

29 Mar
Thinking RFID

Thinking RFID (Photo credit: @boetter)

Late at night there was a knock on the door… It was him and he wanted to talk. He looked like shit and it made me wonder how someone who-apparently- lacks the ability to feel anything could look so bad if that were true.

“I think I do love you… I have to… Otherwise I wouldn’t feel this shit…would I? I’ve messed up… I AM messed up… I’m so confused. I think I love you but I don’t KNOW that for sure, I don’t know WHAT I feel.. Or if I feel at all. Maybe I’ve blocked things, maybe shit did happen when I was young and it really has messed me up. But I’m not sure whether I’ve felt shit for the past few hours because I don’t want to lose you – and therefore might love you or because I feel guilty knowing that you have no where to go, you’ve given up so much to be with me and now you have nothing”

I was stunned and gutted but strangely hopeful at the same time. I told him to take that thought out of the equation or imagine I had everything I wanted or needed back in my home town and to take some more time to think it over.

Caramel Latte

Caramel Latte (Photo credit: SweetOnVeg)

The next week is a blur, I literally ran on autopilot and lived on mocha and caramel lattes – I wasn’t purposely starving myself but the thought of food made me feel sick, in fact I was physically sick through the shock of it all. I wasn’t hungry and it was only when I googled the effects it would have on my body that I forced myself to have some goodness each day. I continued seeing our counsellor by myself, I asked him if HE had known something was off with us since day one… If it was just me who had been fooled… He said no. He hadn’t seen it coming, he had thought there were some issues – otherwise we wouldn’t have been there but aside from the ones we had spoken about he was as shocked as I was.

My husband had returned every night for the first few days, either to get something he had forgotten, to drop something back or – on the third night just to talk. He asked whether IF he decided to work through this with me I would still want to be with him and how it would ever be ok… I told him I would be there for him, but I wouldn’t be walked all over and that it would take a lot of work to get us back to any kind of normality. we would 100% need professional help, both together and separately, we would need to build the trust back from scratch, he would need to be honest and I would need to get to know the “real” him… I would need to live the “real” us… And only then would I know whether I could stay or not.

After he left I had some more time to think and thought you know what… Fuck therapy right now, if that’s what has scared him off and he’s not ready to face his demons today then forget it for right now. All I really needed to know was whether he loved me (thought/hoped he could/wanted to) and wanted to be with me or not… THEN we can go from there. So I text him:

=(

=( (Photo credit: The Slushey One)

‘OK one last text and I will leave you to it, I’m not going to guilt trip you or anything but I’ve thought about what you just asked me… I think all I would need for us to sort this out is to know that you do love me. Fuck therapy and stuff right now, although I feel it would help both of us and there are definitely issues which need to be dealt with all of that can be addressed later, if I knew you loved me that would be a big enough starting point. THATS what you need to be thinking about. I love you and I always will xx’

I didn’t hear from him for the next 4 days and in that time the reality – and heartbreak- set in. Was that mornings kiss really the last time he would ever tell me he loved me? What if he came back and said no? What if this really was the end of us? I couldn’t stand it, it made me sick. I have history of attempted suicide and had vowed to never ever do that again but my god how I wished I could just curl up and literally die… Die of a broken heart and that way it wasn’t a selfish act, it wasn’t my doing… It was just proof that I couldn’t survive this heart ache.

I did survive though, and I could survive longer because if I’ve learned anything from my past it’s that even when you feel THAT low, when you feel like you can’t take any more… You do. You take it and you kick its ass! You get through it… Somehow. My “somehow” was “denial”. I refused to believe he couldn’t feel anything, he had cried at a film once, I had seen him look like shit… He has been shaking whenever I had seen him on those few days…Besides, believing it would mean I would have to accept that none of our past, none of our memories.. our special things… our wedding vows and the photos that made me so happy to look back at… None of it was real.

xBx

 

 

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17 responses to “Part 10: Limbo

  1. Catmandue

    March 29, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Really, I don’t know how you continue to work things out. I confess that I don’t think I could have held up at all, let alone to the amount you have gone through, and are *still* trying. I tip my hat and salute you both at the same time.

    He has issues, deep, troubling issues Troubling for both him and you. Hell.. it troubles me and I am only a bystander. You have my continued respect for your absolute refusal to throw your hands up in the air and say, “Fuck this shit… I am out’a here!”.

    Seriously, I don’t know how you do it. And, as someone who has played the suicide game more times that I care to remember, I can understand the desire to just curl up and die. Fortunately for the two of us, we know that route is not the answer (it never was really).

    I don’t know how much longer you are going to be able to hang on, but I hope you can persevere. I am sending a bouquet of digital flowers to you along with a really big virtual hug for you. 😀

    Funny thing isn’t it… I thought we might end up on opposite sides of the fence when I first started reading your blog. Instead, I think we have gained a mutual respect for each other. And I, for one, am very happy that happened.

    Cheers for now,

    .rob.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 29, 2013 at 10:54 am

      Thank you, its definitely not easy but im trying to stay positive xB

       
  2. beetleypete

    March 29, 2013 at 11:12 am

    When you are very low, and ‘clutching at straws’ in a relationship, it can be easy to confuse guilt with desire. Just when you wanted him to arrive, and to tell you it would be worth trying, but without therapy; abracadabra, that happens. The guilt drove him to your door, and the shame stopped him wanting the therapy. Look inside yourself for answers to the future, as it seems very unlikely they will be provided by him. Inner strength never fails to amaze me, and our ability to endure almost anything, is a wonder to behold. As always, Pete. X

     
  3. jollof

    March 29, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    This couldn’t have been easy to write (and I must say, you write very well). You’re coping really well and I admire how you’re hanging in there. Not to sound cheesy, but love is all around us. I hope you find it and live the life you truly deserve. Looking forward to see the upside as your story unfolds…eventually 🙂

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 29, 2013 at 2:02 pm

      Thank you I’m looking forward to that too 😉

      It wasn’t easy to live it or write it but the things you’re reading happened over the past year – coming to a head almost a month ago so writing it was actually therapeutic (to a point) as I could look back over it and make sense of it all (almost)

      Although I know how the backstory “ends” I certainly don’t know what happens next in real time and i fear you may find that the newer stuff isn’t so well written as there is no calm understanding or view point on my part. BUT I’m hoping things work out in one way or another… Guess we will all have to wait and see.

      Thanks for the comment and for taking the time to read my post

      xB

       
  4. behindthemaskofabuse

    March 29, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    My heart, goes out too you. xo

     
  5. Donna Gwinnell Weidner

    March 29, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    B. your beauty, strength, and compassion are remarkable. Pat yourself on the back right now. You will get through this…sharing your experience, like you are now, will give you added support. I can see it in everyone’s comments. I think I can speak for most of us here by saying, we are your cheerleaders – so go girl go!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 29, 2013 at 7:13 pm

      Thank you Donna, I’m trying (it’s damn hard though) but its nice to know I have a few cheerleaders 🙂 xB

       
  6. crazybunny66

    March 29, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    I’m afraid I’m with beetleypete on this one, much as I want to believe that he has true feelings for you…..I feel warning signs coming up. You are a remarkable woman for coping so well and for NOT going down the depression/suicide road. Stay strong for the sake of those, big and small, who really love you xxxx

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 29, 2013 at 7:17 pm

      Thanks crazybunny, like I said to Pete recently I appreciate all comments and opinions – I wouldn’t be blogging otherwise lol. There are bound to be separate “sides” (for want of a better word) and it’s always good to hear both – regardless of whether I’ll like it or not. I like the honesty – so thank you xx

       
  7. greenembers

    March 29, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    Hmm, I missed this post. So… just saying, you’re pretty amazing. I really do hope things work out. IMO I don’t think it was all lies on his part but you’re right professional help is/was needed.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      March 29, 2013 at 11:34 pm

      Thank you, I don’t want to believe it either, only time will tell xB

       
  8. stilllearning2b

    April 10, 2013 at 10:04 am

    Wow. This feels like a strange behind-the-scenes tour of my marriage that I was never able to take. My husband simply chose to disapear with a text message. I soon discovered that our life together (all or part of the 16 years) was a lie. I’ve been left with so many questions and your posts give me some insight as to what may have been going on in his mind.

    I really give you credit for staying and helping him with his problems. I can’t even imagine the pain of facing it fresh every day. He is lucky to have you.

    Hugs:)

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 10, 2013 at 10:26 am

      WOW thats terrible!! actually speechless :/ Im glad you take something good from mine though – but of course every situation is different and I still dont know the rest of it. Thank you for visiting xB

       
      • stilllearning2b

        April 10, 2013 at 10:45 am

        I don’t think we can ever completely understand some else’s perspective but I think it’s important to try rather than to simply assume they think/feel as we do. Even though my (now ex) husband is long gone and I have moved on, I still try to understand him a bit better. One of the few regrets I have is that I never knew how much he was hurting. It’s hard to know that the man I loved suffered so much while he was right beside me.

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 10, 2013 at 10:52 am

        ditto! Its a horrible feeling that your ‘best friend’ was struggling alone and couldnt find a way to expressit to the person hes meant to be closest to…its sad :/ I have just read a few key posts of yours and I am so glad Ive found your blog – thank you 🙂

         

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