In the week that he had been gone I made some changes…mainly to the technology in the house. I PIN protected the ‘adult’ channels on the TV, separated the old laptop from its charger and hid them both and put a porn filter on the one we actually use. Clicking ‘install’ I felt empowered…relaxed….covered…and ready to start a fresh with my husband #2.
My counsellor had told me to keep doing what I was doing; to research things in order to try to understand it and to try to prepare myself of things to come, to let my husband lead…make the choices…take the steps…initiate intimacy – but of course putting my foot down where it mattered. He told me I should be proud of myself for being so strong, that I wasn’t a fool for wanting to work this out…or at least wanting to see if we could stay together. It was no secret that this wasn’t going to be easy but I was going into it feet first.
The morning after we were first ‘together’ intimately, I had sleepily woken up as he was leaving for work; I actually thought he had left already and went to the bathroom…to find no toilet roll- don’t you just LOVE it when that happens? So I went downstairs to get some and was met by a sheepish looking husband standing in the doorway of the living room. Once past the surprise of seeing him – he had told me he was due to start work 15 minutes earlier- I clicked that something was going on.
‘Were you watching porn again’
‘Fuck off to work’
I said it calmly and without another word he left.
FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE WANKER!…but…HOW??
THEN I realised that in order to get the filter password protected I would have to pay (something like £6 for a years cover) so all he had needed to do when the banned page screen had come up was to click ‘trust this site’ and it was added to his white list! Arrrrggggghhhhhh! Massive fail on my part…how annoying! I had honestly thought that I wouldn’t ever have this sick, useless, hideous feeling again…or at least not so soon after letting him back. Gutted!
I was angry, I was hurt…I was embarrassed! I got on Google again and that’s when I read something that changed my reaction completely… which of course I cant find the bloody link for now! I am not stating this for all suffers etc and please remember that we don’t know 100% that he has PTSD but judging by the way he has been that’s the thing we are going with until proven otherwise, but anyway…
There is a link between addiction (drink/drugs/gambling/PORN) and PTSD. (I’ll add some links at the end of this post for those interested)
Discovering this was a massive ‘OHHHH’ moment. Everything clicked -even more so than the previous times. he had said things about being ‘dirty’ and ‘sick’ before and apparently many sufferers feel shame or like they are ‘disgusting’. He was clearly addicted to porn…of course he was…it was the only time he could FEEL anything…it was the only time he could get some kind of thrill without needing to put on a show for my benefit… remember all the times before I hadn’t known about his feeling of emotional numbness…I had just thought he was being a twat. I had finally put 2 and 2 together…I finally understood and I finally realised that it REALLY really wasn’t anything to do with me being shit. He has a history of drug abuse…even that makes sense now and considering his line of work drink and drug abuse are out of the question so porn is his next best thing. Yes it sucks (excuse the pun) for me, but in the list of addiction possibilities which one would I prefer he had? He could be blowing thousands on fruit machines…he could be drunkenly attacking me every other night…but he’s not doing that…he’s sneaking in a quick one before work.
Regardless of what it is, its still a problem which needs addressing…I cant live like this…but now I KNOW all of this we can work on it. By the time he came home I was prepared, he walked in looking sheepish and clearly expecting some kind of slap round the face (which I have never and will never do btw) and instead he was shocked when I opened my arms and told him cuddle me. As he did he asked me to please password protect the internet (which I had already done -PROPERLY this time) and he admitted that he needed help with the porn side of things too.
YES! He’s admitted it…he’s accepted it…while I know most of you are probably wanting to shake me right now, for us this was progress.
I told him what I had found out about the link and he seemed relieved…he wasn’t a ‘freak’…he wasn’t a ‘monster’…there was a reason behind it…something that could be helped. I told him that I now understood it more BUT just because it seems to be part of this it does NOT give him a free pass….he doesn’t get to be a dick about it…he doesn’t get to continue disrespecting me. He agreed, he apologised, He sat down, opened the laptop…and Googled private therapists for himself.
- Questions About Men and Their Porn. (bigprettygirlrock.wordpress.com)
- Church Group Helps with Porn Addiction (fox40.com)
- These Impossible Search Queries Turn Google Into a Total Porn Machine (gizmodo.com)
- 9 valid reasons to stop looking at porn (resolutionofpurpose.wordpress.com)
- Here’s Why You’re Addicted to Porn (mashable.com)
- 3 Things I Want My Son to Know About Porn… (lilvampgurl.wordpress.com)
- Help for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (everydayhealth.com)
- Why the symptoms of PTSD make recovery so difficult (jessejames1989.wordpress.com)
- Defeating PTSD: Recognition (forwardwalking.com)
- Is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Linked to Cannabis Use? (drvitelli.typepad.com)