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The now – Therapy

01 Apr
turtle therapist

turtle therapist (Photo credit: andessurvivor)

He had his first therapy session this weekend. I’m dying to know what was said but of course he’s guarded and doesn’t ‘do’ talking about anything in as much detail as I do.

All I know is that he has been asked to admit when he impulse lies to me…and when he does that I am meant to avoid reacting in any way…how the hell am I meant to do that?? Just change the subject?

He cant think of an example of what kind of impulse lies he has been telling me…so I’m anxious about keeping any reaction to myself but apparently he’s meant to do it in order to realise himself when he’s doing it and my lack of reaction…well I’m assuming its to stop him feeding off it? To take away a reason for him to do it, to show him that’s its pointless and doesn’t achieve anything.

I must admit it’s a hard to come to terms with the thought that my husband, whom apparently trusted me with everything…whom said I was the one person in the world he could talk to…is now talking to someone else about his deepest thoughts. I know I know, its good that he’s seeing a therapist, he NEEDS to see a therapist, he needs to talk to someone who is trained to deal with issues like his and I am so proud of him going to see her. But its still hard. Probably because it reminds me that when he said those things to me, when he ‘talked openly to me about everything and anything’ it was all bullshit :/

I don’t like being out of the loop, it used to be our loop, with just the 2 of us in it…but now its not. Now its just…well 2 straight lines, there is no loop, its been cut.

I’m so worried that there is more bad stuff to come, of course its bound to be worse before it gets better but this way I have to wait to find out what that bad stuff is; I have to rely on him to come home and put his therapy techniques into practice…what if there are more revelations? I don’t know if I can handle much more.

What if he comes home and tells me ‘I made it all up…I can love I just didn’t and don’t love you and I needed a way out’ ? what if it turns out that he realises he did feel but he didn’t know what these feelings were…and that in fact he can love, he does love but he doesn’t love me? What if he gets better…and I get crushed in the process…what if I end up resenting him because of all of this and at the end of it its me who leaves because I no longer love him?

The back-story was all well and good…because I knew at the time of writing how it was going to end…but I don’t know the answer anymore. Its anyone’s guess and I am absolutely petrified.

xBx

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22 responses to “The now – Therapy

  1. Doggy's Style

    April 1, 2013 at 10:52 am

    I’d be faced with all the questions you are being faced. I guess it’s part of the process, a sorta gamble that it must be done.

     
  2. beetleypete

    April 1, 2013 at 11:17 am

    It is becoming a real emotional juggling act now. Power has shifted once again, and doubts and fears are creeping back through every nook and cranny. Despite all that you have been through, it appears that the worst is yet to come. Thinking of you. As ever, Pete. X

     
  3. Fat Bottom Girl

    April 1, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Seems like you will have to decide if you can love him unconditionally or not. There are likely to be more revelations, as he hasn’t really delved into what is at the base of all of this. Most likely it will get worse before it gets better, but “what ifs” will drive you crazy! You have to relinquish control, though I know it’s so difficult to do.

    “Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” –Kahlil Gibran

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 1, 2013 at 3:09 pm

      Thank you for that, yes that will e tough for me, I like control, or at least to have a plan, to write lists, to prepare myself but it’s entirely out of my control.
      I take some comfort knowing that there is nothing I could have done differently to prevent this. It’s bittersweet actually because I can’t do anything to make it better but at the same time I have no regrets. Now all the “what ifs” are about the future and you’re right I need to try to just roll with it and see what happens xB

       
      • Fat Bottom Girl

        April 1, 2013 at 3:42 pm

        Best of luck to you, because I know it is hard to do!

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 1, 2013 at 4:03 pm

        Thank you again x

         
  4. Donna

    April 1, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    Ra, ra, sis, voom, bah! (I’m shaking my virtual pom-poms) You are walking through it. You have not run away – whatever happens – you will know you gave it your all!

     
  5. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 1, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    You said you are in therapy and getting support too right? If so that’s good, at least as things come up, you’ll have somewhere that’s your own to put things and work things through. If he’s dealing with past abuse, and he’s serious about facing and and working through it, then it will get worse before it gets better. If he’s numb then likely if he begins to feel it will be intense pain. One really big piece of advise I got lately is I can support my Hubby when he’s hurting but I can’t take on his pain or it will buckle me. Be careful not to take on his pain. My heart is with you, I can imagine how confused and in pain yourself you must be xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 1, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      Yes I am seeing my own counsellor too, he’s great, just having someone to talk it out with once a week is so helpful. I realise it’s going to get worse first and I know I’m in for a real rollercoaster so I’m hoping this blog will keep me going. As always, Thanks for the comment xB

       
  6. A2LSM

    April 2, 2013 at 1:07 am

    I think you are being amazingly strong! Keep blogging. For me it is the one thing that is keeping me going on my daily battle with addictions! Please know you are in my thoughts…

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 2, 2013 at 8:12 am

      Thank you so much, I’ve been stopping by to read yours as often as possible and they are so insightful. The blogging experience is helpful in so many ways xB

       
      • A2LSM

        April 2, 2013 at 6:10 pm

        You are very right about it being helpful. When I read your blog I’m inspired to stand strong! Thank you for that 🙂

         
  7. Catmandue

    April 2, 2013 at 7:29 am

    I cannot imagine the place you are in. Every time I see you’ve put up a new post I grow apprehensive… How bad has it gotten since your last post? Are you fighting the good fight? Are you giving up? So many questions, so precious few words in the post. You have, for what it is worth, my virtual ear to bend, and if you need it, my virtual shoulder to cry on.

    .rob.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 2, 2013 at 8:18 am

      Thank you. It’s definitely an emotional rollercoaster both reading it back and living it. I ask myself the same questions every day xB

       
      • Catmandue

        April 2, 2013 at 6:16 pm

        You’re welcome. If you need any help with anything that I could help you with, just let me know.

        You can contact me via email at thunderbyrd43@gmail.com if need be.

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 2, 2013 at 6:26 pm

        Thank you I’ll keep it in mind 🙂

         

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