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Am I a hypocrite?

02 Apr
Secret Bunker

Secret Bunker (Photo credit: marcmo)

Is it wrong for me to be blogging about all of this without him knowing? Does me doing this make me as bad as him?

He knew about my past blog, he knew I loved it…but his revelations made me hate it. It ruined my blog for me, it took away my happy thoughts…he had crushed everything that meant anything to me. How could I carry on blogging about things that made me happy – mostly involving him- when none of them had been true?

I resented him for that, I had already given up so much to be with him and he had taken away the one thing I had left that was mine…I needed a place to express all of the above so a new blog was the answer. He’s asked me if I’ve blogged any more and I’ve lied – something I used to feel strongly about. He doesn’t know about this new one, firstly because I don’t want him to be embarrassed about it or for him to be upset about it (I never intended this to be a place to slag him off or make fun of him and I still stand by that but I don’t think he would see it the same way) but secondly because I don’t want him to taint it. I don’t want him to take it away from me…but lying is killing me…does that make me as bad as him?

I have always been set on honesty, on trust…obviously he’s not had the same morals but still, by me lying to him…there’s no justification is there? Or is there?

I’m distant from him, I’m secretive with my phone…with the laptop – but that’s his fault anyway really. But blogging about the back-story etc when it had already happened brought back a lot of painful memories for me. Yes its therapeutic to go back over things and make sense of them, to let it all out and have feedback from it, but its damaging too.

Its made me less loving towards him…but then how am I meant to be loving when I know its not real for him? But then how can I show him what love feels like if I starve him of it? it’s a catch 22, He’s really trying at the moment and half the time I ignore it because I just get annoyed that its fake. That he thinks I would be fooled by it again.

He’s ruined us with all of this, I don’t want to cuddle up and tell him I love him because I don’t want him to feel pressured to do it back, I’m fed up with not trusting him, with having to unlock every site I want to use thanks to these fucking porn filters! With having to hide the laptop and with waking up when he does and feeling sick thinking he’s probably cracked the code again. I’m sick of rushing to get home just so he doesn’t have a chance to get home first and do whatever while I’m not there, with cock blocking my own husband every chance I get…With having to walk on egg shells and pretend I’m ok with it because crying would result in an insincere response.

But I don’t want to fuck myself up trying to help him and end up hating him in the process. What would be the point of that? I read somewhere that you need to put yourself before others without causing harm to them…but still help others without causing harm to yourself in the process.

I want to use all of the above to answer my own question, to justify secretly blogging because without this blog I feel I really would lose it. Its either blog or tell all of my friends, every stranger I meet…all of our family…I NEED to blog…but does it make it OK? I think now that the back-story has been written I can focus on the now, I can stop being so negative towards him. I can really use this as a place to vent and let it all out. To express my worries without worrying him in the process, to express my fears without pushing him away at the same time….to focus on the future…our future and get the moral support I need from the people on here who understand me, who understand us.

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27 responses to “Am I a hypocrite?

  1. runningwithoutsocks

    April 2, 2013 at 9:16 am

    I think it’s extremely brave and selfless that you have decided to stay and help him through his therapy, I do. But (if you don’t mind me saying) I also believe that you need to help yourself first before you’re going to do him any good. I know you want to be there, be involved and make sure you’re not missing out so that hopefully, at the end of it all, he’ll look to you as the person who was supportive and loving – but be careful that you don’t get resentful.
    You should be honest about your blog and you should be firm in asking him to respect your privacy as this is your form of therapy (just remember that if you ask for your space you’ll have to give and respect his). I really hope you don’t mind me saying – it is just my opinion as an outsider reading your blog, but I think you should take some time to rebuilld the trust and let it happen organically or you will end up hating him all the more for it. More importantly, take care of yourself first.

     
    • greenembers

      April 2, 2013 at 10:40 am

      I was going to say something similar to this but runninwithoutsocks said it first and better. The only thing I would add is that I don’t feel you have been negative towards him with your back story. It seems you have tried very hard to be as factual as possible about the events and how that made you feel. My only advice going forward is to try and notice the little positive things he is doing. It will take time to recover trust bit I feel you can do it.

      As to keeping the blog a secret I don’t know. Are you still seeing the counselor? Maybe ask about that. I just don’t feel qualified. 😦

       
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 2, 2013 at 10:54 am

        Thank you for your comment

        I am still seeing him yes and I feel i will need to keep seeing him for quite a while, Like i said to runningwithoutsocks He thinks its fair enough for me to be blogging – and quite a healthy way to cope- and we both agree that i should tell him…just not right now.

        Its funny you should mention the little positives, i wrote a post last night (scheduled for next week) as I have recently asked him to tell me the little things, the GENUINE things he likes about a day or about dinner even… no matter how big or small so that i dont lose sight of why we are doing this. So far its really helping lift me up a little and it lets me know how to keep things good – but youll have to wait and see 😉
        xB

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 2, 2013 at 11:00 am

        Ps
        The majority of these posts are scheduled from a week ago (as obviously things carried on happening whilst trying to get the backstory out) but i wrote these recent ones it as it was happening so the tone may change slightly seeing as its raw.

        BUT I hope I can maintain the neutral/seeing both sides view. i definitely dont want to turn this into a place to slag him off; that wouldnt be helpful at all – for either of us.

         
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 2, 2013 at 10:48 am

      Thank you – really. I would much rather people on here were honest with me – i wouldnt blog it and ask the question otherwise lol. I am seeing my own counsellor and he is helping me so much, theres no way i would be able to stay without seeing him because its vital to have some professional feedback and someone to bounce things off of – and someone to keep me positive.

      I agree about telling him BUT i feel i should wait until his therapy is a little more secure so that i dont throw a spanner in the works and knock him back at all – my counsellor agrees- its just a case of waiting for the right time…if there ever is one.

      Thank you again, xB

       
      • runningwithoutsocks

        April 2, 2013 at 10:50 am

        Good luck! Your courage is admirable and needless to say your husband is extremely lucky to have you! I don’t know if I would be able to do it, remember how strong you are 🙂

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 2, 2013 at 10:57 am

        Thank you 🙂
        Ive had a few days where Ive questioned myself – rany posts to come lol- but thank fully writing it all down helps me to turn down the heat and get through it xB

         
  2. shadowdancer95

    April 2, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Everyone is entitled to express what they feel. Blogging is a way to heal yourself and balance your emotions. Please, keep blogging. I really enjoyed reading your post 🙂 Tierney x

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 2, 2013 at 10:49 am

      Thank you, glad you enjoyed it; dont worry I’m going to continue blogging, its like my best friend at the moment lol, somewhere to rant and get it all out xB

       
  3. Doggy's Style

    April 2, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    I second all what people said above.
    I tell what’s on my mind now:
    “Ohhhh that’s you!!
    – I’m so happy she’s back blogging, I’m really glad she’s using this to vent and put all what’s inside”
    Up to this post I didn’t put his blog with the other (I won’t mention the name, no worries)
    I started reading you here and you have no idea how much I admire your courage.
    Doggy’s Style was “born” in the middle of a crisis in my life, I couldn’t talk about it with people, with no one I was embarrassed, still am but came to terms with it and things are now find. I never had the “balls” to put myself out there, instead I started to blog about silly things with my blog. I’ve talked about that issue with some other bloggers in “private”.
    As said on your last post, there’s always gonna be people in here willing to listen and offer support.
    Glad to have you back even tho you are struggling but at least we know you are fighting.
    xx

     
    • Doggy's Style

      April 2, 2013 at 1:47 pm

      You can delete my comment if you feel like, no problem.

       
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 2, 2013 at 1:58 pm

        no no I love that comment, im keeping it – like a soppy text message from years ago lol

         
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 2, 2013 at 1:58 pm

      Thank you so much for that comment

      Yeeees its meeeee 🙂 lol
      Now thats cleared up you may start to notice similarities between the 2 – or maybe both blogs are totally different to you because I know I rarely ventured into the deep DEEP stuff.

      You nailed it on the head when you described how or WHY doggys style was born; its so much easier to write it all down, to build a new front, to hide behind the computer screen in a way…without really needing to hide. Its like an online diary – without the hand ache and shit pens lol and with someone or some people on the other side cheering you on and keeping you afloat.
      its amazingly therapeutic
      Thank you again
      xBx

       
  4. Ryan Naylor

    April 2, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    There’s a lot I could say about this post…things may may or may not encourage. It’s the only one I’ve read by you, so I am not familiar with the situation. But the two things that come to mind when I read about people going through difficult points or questioning things, is 1), read A Course In Miracles and 2.) Healing cannot occur where healing is not. In order to give/offer healing, you must first see it or have it yourself.

    Shine bright and be the Love and Joy that you are.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 2, 2013 at 2:23 pm

      Thank you for commenting, It does encourage me, it makes sense and I agree with it totally xB

       
  5. beetleypete

    April 2, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    I left it late, as I had to go to the Doctor’s.
    It opens up a whole new debate about what is honesty and what is not. From where I sit, your blog is for you, to help you, and not him. If the process helps him in the long run, so be it. You are certainly not a hypocrite, as the level of ‘dishonesty’, if you want to call it that, is completely different.
    I would not want to read my wife’s diary, look at her phone messages, or delve into her Facebook activity; no more than she reads this blog, although she is aware of it. However, our history is different to yours, and you definitely need this release, and being able to say what you feel, without constant challenge, or criticism; and without provoking argument also.
    I say keep going. If things change, then do another blog, and consign this one to history, if you have to. As ever, Pete. X

     
  6. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 2, 2013 at 5:28 pm

    I believe you have a right to something that is just yours. You’re not using names which is good. You’ve never attacked him on here, you’re working out your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Why does he care to know?

    I will say with all respect, you will not be able to show him what love is. That is something he will have to discover and learn on his own through therapy. You won’t be able to love him to health. It’s not your burden to shoulder.

    Take care of you. I was thinking about something you said in one of your posts the other day but I don’t know whether to open my mouth on it or not. If you’re interested maybe I would email you. xo

     
  7. Fat Bottom Girl

    April 3, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    For me, blogging is a form of therapy. I used to journal, but when I was in an abusive relationship he read my journals and would use them against me. For some reason I feel safer putting my thoughts out into cyberspace than putting them on paper anymore. Why, when we are in a relationship, do we feel like we can’t keep any of our own thoughts secret? Is it not allowed? Do we have to share absolutely every little thought or feeling with the other person? I don’t understand why you would lie about blogging, I believe that’s unnecessary, and there should be no need to keep it a secret. However, to me, there is no reason he should read your blog unless you want him to. For you, this blog is almost like a session with your therapist—it should be kept confidential. If you want to share certain thoughts or feelings with him, then tell him in person.

    Just my thoughts. Hope you are well! 🙂

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 3, 2013 at 9:12 pm

      Thank you, for me it was a combination of things; Like the worry of setting any progress he makes back by getting embarrassed about it – i mean he didnt even want me to tell my counsellor about his numbness the day he told me everything or the fear of him killing my blog (again) by making me feel bad/guilty/insensitive for doing it.

      I suppose I wanted to keep it to myself probably because i knew he wouldnt approve and i knew i wanted/needed it to get through this for ME.

      xB

       
      • Fat Bottom Girl

        April 4, 2013 at 12:12 am

        I know for me there would come a point when I would get tired of walking on egg shells around him. In order to get through this, he is going to have to get tough. You shouldn’t keep the truth from him to protect his feelings, and he shouldn’t keep the truth from you. Secrets make people sick, and not being honest will keep them sick.

         

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