Is it wrong for me to be blogging about all of this without him knowing? Does me doing this make me as bad as him?
He knew about my past blog, he knew I loved it…but his revelations made me hate it. It ruined my blog for me, it took away my happy thoughts…he had crushed everything that meant anything to me. How could I carry on blogging about things that made me happy – mostly involving him- when none of them had been true?
I resented him for that, I had already given up so much to be with him and he had taken away the one thing I had left that was mine…I needed a place to express all of the above so a new blog was the answer. He’s asked me if I’ve blogged any more and I’ve lied – something I used to feel strongly about. He doesn’t know about this new one, firstly because I don’t want him to be embarrassed about it or for him to be upset about it (I never intended this to be a place to slag him off or make fun of him and I still stand by that but I don’t think he would see it the same way) but secondly because I don’t want him to taint it. I don’t want him to take it away from me…but lying is killing me…does that make me as bad as him?
I have always been set on honesty, on trust…obviously he’s not had the same morals but still, by me lying to him…there’s no justification is there? Or is there?
I’m distant from him, I’m secretive with my phone…with the laptop – but that’s his fault anyway really. But blogging about the back-story etc when it had already happened brought back a lot of painful memories for me. Yes its therapeutic to go back over things and make sense of them, to let it all out and have feedback from it, but its damaging too.
Its made me less loving towards him…but then how am I meant to be loving when I know its not real for him? But then how can I show him what love feels like if I starve him of it? it’s a catch 22, He’s really trying at the moment and half the time I ignore it because I just get annoyed that its fake. That he thinks I would be fooled by it again.
He’s ruined us with all of this, I don’t want to cuddle up and tell him I love him because I don’t want him to feel pressured to do it back, I’m fed up with not trusting him, with having to unlock every site I want to use thanks to these fucking porn filters! With having to hide the laptop and with waking up when he does and feeling sick thinking he’s probably cracked the code again. I’m sick of rushing to get home just so he doesn’t have a chance to get home first and do whatever while I’m not there, with cock blocking my own husband every chance I get…With having to walk on egg shells and pretend I’m ok with it because crying would result in an insincere response.
But I don’t want to fuck myself up trying to help him and end up hating him in the process. What would be the point of that? I read somewhere that you need to put yourself before others without causing harm to them…but still help others without causing harm to yourself in the process.
I want to use all of the above to answer my own question, to justify secretly blogging because without this blog I feel I really would lose it. Its either blog or tell all of my friends, every stranger I meet…all of our family…I NEED to blog…but does it make it OK? I think now that the back-story has been written I can focus on the now, I can stop being so negative towards him. I can really use this as a place to vent and let it all out. To express my worries without worrying him in the process, to express my fears without pushing him away at the same time….to focus on the future…our future and get the moral support I need from the people on here who understand me, who understand us.
- How Much Of Your Personal Life Should You Share On Your Blog? (therealsupermumblog.com)
- Benefits of Blogging (saluttoi.wordpress.com)
- Ten Reasons Why I Love Blogging (expertscolumn.com)
- Blogging as a Way to Healing (ryannaylor.org)
- The Expressive Leap: Blogging and the Personal Essay (mahadabbagh.wordpress.com)
- Boyfriend Breaks Up With Girlfriend After She Blogs About Missing Him … While He Sleeps … 3 Feet Away (futuristicallyyours.com)