Its been hard to say the least. Over the past few weeks I’ve literally been going through the grieving process (posts and pages on that to come) over the death of my former husband. It sounds silly…it sounds extreme…but its how I feel. When he told me that our entire relationship had been a lie it was literally like he had died…we had died…I had to mourn our relationship because our marriage as I know it is dead. Yes we are still together, we are trying to work through it but life as we knew it will never be the same again.
He’s been trying; trying to be honest, to be himself and trying to keep me happy too. He almost humours me in a way, its like he is weaning me off the old him and introducing me to the new one. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to do that but at the same time I think too many changes at once would kill me…and he knows that. The hardest one is not hearing ‘I love you’ anymore.
It stopped on the night he left and it didn’t come back when he did…that hurts. What makes it hard is that I’ve stopped saying it as much to him too – because I don’t want him to feel pressured to say it back…but then if I stop saying it I feel wrong. I feel like part of my everyday life is missing…part of my marriage is missing and I don’t want him to think that I don’t love him..because of course I do! I wouldn’t still be here otherwise.
One night after he returned he said it to me, ok so it was post orgasm on his part so I took it with a pinch of salt but hearing it and seeing his reaction when he realised he had said it through habit was a real kick in the gut. We talked about it briefly and moved on. A few nights later while chilling out together he looked at me sincerely and said ‘I love you’! I tried not to react, I tried to not instantly blush, I tried not to glare at him but I noticed him curse himself too and it was then that he told me that he missed saying it to me. He had to break the habit though, so we turned it into something different, we made a joke of it and said ‘I love you’ now means something completely different…something like ‘I enjoy your company’ or ‘I appreciate you’.
I’ve had to do that with a lot of things, I’ve had to make them funny or I just wouldn’t survive. I don’t mean I take the piss out of him but we banter about our issues, we make light of the situation and its what sees me through it. Like they say ‘you have to laugh or you’d cry’.
In the last week he hasn’t slipped up with it at all, and that’s upsetting. Its good that he’s being honest but it made me think that it meant he no longer missed saying it to me and that it was that easy for him to move past it. Apparently that’s not the case though, he still misses it; he’s just trying his hardest to do what’s right and to be true to me.
Despite not telling me anymore, he’s still being affectionate, he still comes home from work and kisses and cuddles me every evening, we are still laughing together and still doing what we used to do but there’s a definite barrier there -from both of us, which is understandable. I’m living off hope at the moment, hope and tiny little positives either new things that happen or that simply things that haven’t changed…yet.
- What I Know about Marriage Now that I’ve Done It Twice (takeitfrommeg.wordpress.com)
- “I tried my hardest, but it was shaky from the get-go”: Russell Brand talks about his marriage to Katy Perry (mirror.co.uk)
- Life is interesting……. (lwayswright.wordpress.com)
- Grief Is a Part of the Cycle of Life (cherokeebillie.wordpress.com)
- To the love we never had (shivangi1984.wordpress.com)