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We’re going through changes

03 Apr
...change...

…change… (Photo credit: ĐāżŦ {mostly absent})

Its been hard to say the least. Over the past few weeks I’ve literally been going through the grieving process (posts and pages on that to come) over the death of my former husband. It sounds silly…it sounds extreme…but its how I feel. When he told me that our entire relationship had been a lie it was literally like he had died…we had died…I had to mourn our relationship because our marriage as I know it is dead. Yes we are still together, we are trying to work through it but life as we knew it will never be the same again.

He’s been trying; trying to be honest, to be himself and trying to keep me happy too. He almost humours me in a way, its like he is weaning me off the old him and introducing me to the new one. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to do that but at the same time I think too many changes at once would kill me…and he knows that. The hardest one is not hearing ‘I love you’ anymore.

It stopped on the night he left and it didn’t come back when he did…that hurts. What makes it hard is that I’ve stopped saying it as much to him too – because I don’t want him to feel pressured to say it back…but then if I stop saying it I feel wrong. I feel like part of my everyday life is missing…part of my marriage is missing and I don’t want him to think that I don’t love him..because of course I do! I wouldn’t still be here otherwise.

One night after he returned he said it to me, ok so it was post orgasm on his part so I took it with a pinch of salt but hearing it and seeing his reaction when he realised he had said it through habit was a real kick in the gut. We talked about it briefly and moved on. A few nights later while chilling out together he looked at me sincerely and said ‘I love you’! I tried not to react, I tried to not instantly blush, I tried not to glare at him but I noticed him curse himself too and it was then that he told me that he missed saying it to me. He had to break the habit though, so we turned it into something different, we made a joke of it and said ‘I love you’ now means something completely different…something like ‘I enjoy your company’ or ‘I appreciate you’.

I’ve had to do that with a lot of things, I’ve had to make them funny or I just wouldn’t survive. I don’t mean I take the piss out of him but we banter about our issues, we make light of the situation and its what sees me through it. Like they say ‘you have to laugh or you’d cry’.

In the last week he hasn’t slipped up with it at all, and that’s upsetting. Its good that he’s being honest but it made me think that it meant he no longer missed saying it to me and that it was that easy for him to move past it. Apparently that’s not the case though, he still misses it; he’s just trying his hardest to do what’s right and to be true to me.

Despite not telling me anymore, he’s still being affectionate, he still comes home from work and kisses and cuddles me every evening, we are still laughing together and still doing what we used to do but there’s a definite barrier there -from both of us, which is understandable. I’m living off hope at the moment, hope and tiny little positives either new things that happen or that simply things that haven’t changed…yet.

xBx

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15 responses to “We’re going through changes

  1. Doggy's Style

    April 3, 2013 at 10:30 am

    This made me think that I’ve never said I love you, unless I’m joking, for me “heart you” says it all lol, I know cheesy but it’s what it is. This probably has to do with the fact that I’m not a romantic guy, or probably am but in a different way, I call my other person Walrus, he hates it, I know he does, one day he said to me, “it wouldn’t hurt you to say nice things once in awhile, I bet you couldn’t think of anything worse than Walrus” I laughed and said “Ha!, I can” and from that point on I call him Satan or Lucifer.
    All my close friends have nicknames, really ugly nicknames, it’s funny that they only take it from me, they know it’s my way of saying something “nice”.
    Sometimes we just have to look on what’s behind certain things.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 3, 2013 at 10:35 am

      Youre right; I call my husband bitchface and he calls me ass eyes so maybe i’ll just take his names for me as a term of endearment 🙂

       
  2. beetleypete

    April 3, 2013 at 11:46 am

    I am never sure about all those reciprocated ‘I love you’s’. It begins to be a contest. Who said it first, how quickly you reply, if at all. I think that inside you somewhere, you know if someone loves you. Yes, it is nice to hear it occasionally; but I believe it is deeper, to just know, without need for confirmation. As ever, Pete. x

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 3, 2013 at 9:04 pm

      Thats true, its the little things, though when youre used to hearing it and then it stops…that definitely stings a bit. It will just take a bit of getting used to – and make me appreciate all those little things i could have taken for granted otherwise xB

       
  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 3, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    It’s not silly at all that you’re grieving, it is a death. I’ve had to grieve the death of my parents and they’re still alive, it’s the death of what i wish was and will never be. i can’t even have them in my life. i’m sorry you’re in such pain xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 3, 2013 at 9:14 pm

      You just explained that SO well! glad im not alone on this one xB

       
  4. Fat Bottom Girl

    April 3, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    You’re allowed to love someone, whether they love you back or not. That’s the wonderful thing about loving. 🙂

     
  5. jesuslikespizza

    April 3, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    I understand your description of grieving the death of someone who is alive.Unfortunately many of us are currently grieving also. It does not sound silly!
    Thanks for letting us know that he is trying to be honest. After reading this post, it seems to me that it’s like he is on a vacation, except that his body is present. Did you guys ever try redoing the “getting to know you/date phase” again..hardcore? Where he romances, wines and dines you? ( I know that this is 99999 times easier to say)

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 3, 2013 at 11:04 pm

      Thank you for commenting, no we havent done the restarting -yet. But its definitely on the cards once we are both a little more accepting of the situation. Right now its a case of trying to come to terms with the fact that we need to do that again – already- after less than a year of being married. it sucks but im staying hopeful
      xB

       
      • jesuslikespizza

        April 3, 2013 at 11:06 pm

        Ok I understand. I only asked because I am hopeful also.
        You are a great example of an amazing wife!

        Hope is alive xx

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 3, 2013 at 11:31 pm

        Aw thank you 🙂 x

         
  6. TemptingSweets99

    April 3, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    Keep hope alive. xo

     

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