How am I doing?….really?

04 Apr

Anxiety (Photo credit: Rima Xaros)

I saw my counsellor today. I like seeing him because really its the only time I get to have a face to face conversation with someone about this… Who knows everything and who has seen my husband and I together.

He asked how I was doing… Well I’m still here – both living and relying on a counsellor

He asked me to rate out of 10 (10 being high) my level of depression (7) and my level of anxiety (8/9)
He was surprised – because I don’t seem it- and so was I actually. I haven’t at any point thought about my levels and whether or not I’m actually ok.

I think the depression side speaks for itself, I’m still grieving after all and still living with a stranger so soon after the death of my husband. I don’t cry much any more because quite honestly I don’t have the energy for it… And what’s the point? It wouldn’t upset my husband to see me cry, it wouldn’t change anything so why bother? It’s a lot to take in and not a lot to be happy about.

Please Come Back Home.

Please Come Back Home. (Photo credit: Spitefully)

I’m anxious every day because I never know for certain that my husband is going to come home-  and that kills me. If he is more than 10 minutes late getting home I immediately think the worst and prepare myself for the phone call from a friend of his telling me to pack my things and go. I do this every single day. (A good argument for buying a GPS tracker lol (discussed in this writing challenge)

I’m also anxious that every time I leave the house and he’s home he will immediately dig out the porn stash and go to town. That thought makes me sick, because him doing that after everything would mean not only that he doesn’t love me – which we know- but that he doesn’t respect me either… At all. This worry has been made worse by his change in shifts. He now works nights meaning hes home when I’m not, it also means I sleep alone… And so does he.

For the past few weeks I’ve had nightmares, really bad ones where I wake up soaked and petrified…i wonder why(!) The majority of them are to do with someone trying to hurt me in a house – usually my own, either one from my past or my current one. – the house is important to me because for 19 years after leaving my childhood home I only dreamt of that one, it’s only been in the past few years that my subconscious has allowed my dream self to catch up and finally move house. I’ve had 8 houses since I was 9 and so far it’s let me dream about 2 others (once each) and more recently I’ve dreamt of the one im in now.

Empty house

Empty house (Photo credit: xiangxi)

In these dreams someone is trying to hurt me or my family, my husband is in the area and we know of each others presence but can’t seem to cross paths. The few times we have it’s been because he’s been hurt or to hurriedly ask me to get him out of trouble OR because he’s found me… Dead.

Yup, I’ve died in my dreams three times  in the past 2 weeks (another dream first for me) I’ve been shot, stabbed and tied up, raped and murdered. Lovely (!) I will wake up from most of them scared shitless and positive that these people are still in my home and about to harm me in reality…to wake up alone makes it so much worse.

When I was 8 I was broken into whilst home alone. Nothing bad happened to me but I’m always scared when home alone. The doors are locked, I jump at noises…. So imagine having that fear while he works nights, the nightmares AND the worry of being left alone in that house forever because I’m so sure that he wont come back… is it really do surprising that my anxiety levels are so high?
I don’t think so either.



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19 responses to “How am I doing?….really?

  1. beetleypete

    April 4, 2013 at 10:02 am

    It is all getting very worrying, from where I sit. Why the change to nights? Was this from choice? He must have known that you were unsettled, alone in the house. There seems to be a lot of thoughtlessness going on, and it is all coming from one direction. As ever, Pete. X

    • Comfortably Numb

      April 4, 2013 at 10:09 am

      Thanks Pete, no, he has no choice in the matter – he couldnt have stayed on his normal shifts even if he wanted to.

      He knows how i feel about being home alone but he also knows that Ive lived alone for a year here and there so its something i can do without freaking out too much or too often, the difference this time being those horrible nightmares winding me up :/ xB

  2. greenembers

    April 4, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    It’s funny how we can hide our depression/anxiety. I think a lot of people wouldn’t believe I suffer from depression irl, many try to deny it when I tell them, I don’t bother anymore

    Gosh, talk about some scary dreams! 😯 I think you have me scared from just reading them! I’m hoping for you!

    • Comfortably Numb

      April 4, 2013 at 1:36 pm

      Lol thankfully they have passed (these posts are a week behind real time) and by now I’m used to nights alone, however other nightmares have replaced them :/ – poem about that coming soon 😉 xB

    • Comfortably Numb

      April 4, 2013 at 6:29 pm

      Ps I agree it’s weird how people refuse to accept that you have problems too. I had that a lot when I was younger and all it does it cut contact x

      • greenembers

        April 4, 2013 at 10:00 pm

        Yeah, it is super odd. I have a theory where it’s people don’t like to think they are wrong and not seeing something like that means that they missed something or are wrong. Just a theory, I’m no psychologist by any stretch of the imagination.

      • Comfortably Numb

        April 4, 2013 at 10:42 pm

        I think you’re probably right. My mum never believed me because she hates being wrong or realising that she doesn’t know everything so she would deny it all the time. It probably explains the way I reacted when all this came to light; refused to believe I had missed such an obvious thing, but then grief does that too xB

  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 4, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    I had a couple recurring nightmares for years. I don’t think I want to say what here what I discovered in therapy they were from.

    I know you’re struggling with depression and anxiety, but I still wonder if your partially numb and in shock? I only say that because you seem to protect him and the way he treats you a lot. I know you love him, but the position he’s put you is awful and not okay.

    • Comfortably Numb

      April 4, 2013 at 5:42 pm

      Definitely, I agree with you there. I was in shock – and definitely numb- for a while It’s not ok and while I realise I do protect him I don’t feel like its a case of making excuses. I have chosen to see this through, some may say im stupid or that ive made my bed so deserve whatever comes but either way i have to keep searching for those positives. to keep me going. As always thanks for your thoughts x

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        April 4, 2013 at 6:06 pm

        i hope no one calls you stupid or says you made your bed! this is marriage and it’s easy for people who are not in your shoes to judge. i’m just a little protective of you. i’m hoping you will be okay and not loose yourself as you go through this. xo

      • Comfortably Numb

        April 4, 2013 at 6:24 pm

        Thank you, that’s what I need, hopefully if I’m having a tough day or losing sight I’ll have a few people on here to remind me to love that carrot – and then point out those little positives that have been keeping me going xB

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        April 4, 2013 at 6:25 pm

        we got your back xo

  4. Fat Bottom Girl

    April 4, 2013 at 5:20 pm

    I hope after your struggles to get healthy, that trying to deal with his stuff will not be detrimental to you. Always remember you must come first! Take care of you!

  5. Charlie

    April 6, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    I was a child when I first died in a dream. A little girl about my age and I were running down a forest path. Someone shot us in the back and we died in the road. I remember it not as a nightmare but as a relief. Great for a child no more than 7 years old.

  6. yessiesuniartie

    April 23, 2013 at 4:37 am

    Thanks for re-blog my post, and well dream like always its feel like we’ve been on adventure on emotional journey. Being alone in a night would be some stressful if we had a bad dream :D, have a nice day.


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