I saw my counsellor today. I like seeing him because really its the only time I get to have a face to face conversation with someone about this… Who knows everything and who has seen my husband and I together.
He asked how I was doing… Well I’m still here – both living and relying on a counsellor
He asked me to rate out of 10 (10 being high) my level of depression (7) and my level of anxiety (8/9)
He was surprised – because I don’t seem it- and so was I actually. I haven’t at any point thought about my levels and whether or not I’m actually ok.
I think the depression side speaks for itself, I’m still grieving after all and still living with a stranger so soon after the death of my husband. I don’t cry much any more because quite honestly I don’t have the energy for it… And what’s the point? It wouldn’t upset my husband to see me cry, it wouldn’t change anything so why bother? It’s a lot to take in and not a lot to be happy about.
I’m anxious every day because I never know for certain that my husband is going to come home- and that kills me. If he is more than 10 minutes late getting home I immediately think the worst and prepare myself for the phone call from a friend of his telling me to pack my things and go. I do this every single day. (A good argument for buying a GPS tracker lol (discussed in this writing challenge)
I’m also anxious that every time I leave the house and he’s home he will immediately dig out the porn stash and go to town. That thought makes me sick, because him doing that after everything would mean not only that he doesn’t love me – which we know- but that he doesn’t respect me either… At all. This worry has been made worse by his change in shifts. He now works nights meaning hes home when I’m not, it also means I sleep alone… And so does he.
For the past few weeks I’ve had nightmares, really bad ones where I wake up soaked and petrified…i wonder why(!) The majority of them are to do with someone trying to hurt me in a house – usually my own, either one from my past or my current one. – the house is important to me because for 19 years after leaving my childhood home I only dreamt of that one, it’s only been in the past few years that my subconscious has allowed my dream self to catch up and finally move house. I’ve had 8 houses since I was 9 and so far it’s let me dream about 2 others (once each) and more recently I’ve dreamt of the one im in now.
In these dreams someone is trying to hurt me or my family, my husband is in the area and we know of each others presence but can’t seem to cross paths. The few times we have it’s been because he’s been hurt or to hurriedly ask me to get him out of trouble OR because he’s found me… Dead.
Yup, I’ve died in my dreams three times in the past 2 weeks (another dream first for me) I’ve been shot, stabbed and tied up, raped and murdered. Lovely (!) I will wake up from most of them scared shitless and positive that these people are still in my home and about to harm me in reality…to wake up alone makes it so much worse.
When I was 8 I was broken into whilst home alone. Nothing bad happened to me but I’m always scared when home alone. The doors are locked, I jump at noises…. So imagine having that fear while he works nights, the nightmares AND the worry of being left alone in that house forever because I’m so sure that he wont come back… is it really do surprising that my anxiety levels are so high?
I don’t think so either.
- Nightmare (ashappyascanbe.wordpress.com)
- And in my dream I was running … in my underwear … (notesfromthefunnyfarm.wordpress.com)
- Waking up from a Nightmare! (emptyarm.wordpress.com)
- 9 Amazing Facts About Dreams (refreshingnews99.blogspot.com)
- Loneliness (yessiesuniartie7.wordpress.com)
- Dreams and their influence – Thursday’s Children (elainejeremiah.wordpress.com)
- Nightmares vs. Night Terrors (sleephelpdesk.com)
- How To Find Out About Dream Meanings (dreamscometrue4u.wordpress.com)
- Good Morning, Anxiety! How are you today? (savannahlately.wordpress.com)
- Waking to the realisation… (mydomsgoddess.wordpress.com)