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Grieving: Depression

06 Apr
Depression please cut to the chase.

Depression please cut to the chase. (Photo credit: darcyadelaide)

Depression: ‘This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.’

For this stage I was – and still am on occasion- weepy. It’s a hurtful stage, one where you re think past memories and realise that that’s all they are…because you can never have them again. This was the point where all the sentimental things that were dotted around the house got boxed up and places out of sight. Not everything but things I had bought him which he had since told me he didn’t really care about as “sentimental things don’t mean anything to him”.

I deleted hundreds of photos and videos of us from my phone, ones I had on there from over a year ago. Ones I would watch whenever I missed him… Ones that made me smile. The act of deleting them made me hurt… So So much. These were my special things, my moving memories… Gone in the press of a button… Because looking at them didn’t make me happy anymore, they made me analyse everything about them. Why didn’t he say I love you first in that video? Where was he looking off frame In that photo? Was that smile because he was laughing at me for being so foolish this whole time?

Music makes me cry on a daily basis, regardless of whether they are angry songs, ‘our’ songs…or obviously sad songs. I will sing along…every song links back to us. Its so ironic! All of my music reminds me of him, any tone of passion in the singers voice and I weep…usually while driving. I have learnt to drive with blurred vision, I have learnt to wear waterproof mascara and to avoid eyeliner at all costs. I have mentioned in a previous post how I don’t have the energy to cry…well these little weepy moments don’t take any energy, I cant control them…they just happen and then stop suddenly because I realise I have to get out of the car or talk to someone and so the brave face comes out. I WANT to be able to have a really good cry…to sob about it but that’s the one that takes energy and that’s the type I’m holding in.

This stage was hard,it IS hard, and even more so because the person who has caused this hurt is the one person I want to cuddle up to and tell all about it. He wants me to talk to him but I cant – especially knowing that whatever response he gives wont be sincere. It’s hard to shake and I’ll slip back into it often.

xBx

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10 responses to “Grieving: Depression

  1. beetleypete

    April 6, 2013 at 11:28 am

    The deletion of the pictures and videos is not unusual in these situations, although maybe you should keep what you have left now. Thoughts and perspectives change with time and age, and you might like to have something to look back on, however things turn out later. As ever, Pete. x

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 6, 2013 at 7:44 pm

      Thanks Pete, (I do have said photos on a disc somewhere) but looking at the old faves during the shock of it all was absolutely gut wrenching xB

       
  2. woahbamalam

    April 6, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    The photos and memories was the first thing I did, and it saved me further heartache. This stage sucks, but you’ll get there. Anger was by far my favourite phase.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 6, 2013 at 12:55 pm

      Anger is the best one! at the time
      Of writing about the stages I was going through all of them, coming and going like waves but anger was the fun one 😉 – posts on that to come 😉 xB

       
  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 6, 2013 at 5:46 pm

    I’m just sitting here with you letting you know your not alone. xo

     
  4. Donna Gwinnell Weidner

    April 8, 2013 at 1:15 am

    XXXXX’s from here too…and promise not to drive with blurred vision anymore…just pull over. #*%#@ happens in an instant.

     

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