Grieving: Bargaining

08 Apr
This screenshot shows Ingrid Bergman as she is...

This screenshot shows Ingrid Bergman as she is pleading with Dr. Jekyll. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bargaining: ‘The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control– If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defence to protect us from the painful reality.’

I have been bargaining, I have been promising someone, something…that IF they make this all ok I’ll do random things like floss more often… or on the other end of the scale I will be eternally grateful.

I started thinking things, If I could have known sooner…then I could have helped him more; maybe if I were less trusting this wouldn’t have happened, maybe if I had done more of X Y or Z he would KNOW that he loves me….
But ultimately its pointless, thinking that way is so damaging, its your own personal torment. I had to force myself to stop thinking such pointless things.

Nothing would have changed this outcome, nothing would have made the problem go away, nothing can change the past…the only thing that can be changed is the future – and we are the only people who can do that by getting the help we need now.


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8 responses to “Grieving: Bargaining

  1. beetleypete

    April 8, 2013 at 10:31 am

    B, no point doing all those ‘what ifs?’ The problem is not yours at all, it is his. Of course, you have to work through it together, but the origins do not come from you, rather from a deeper, darker place, beyond your control to alter, or influence. As ever, Pete. x

  2. Doggy's Style

    April 8, 2013 at 11:11 am

    All I see is moving forward the best way you can and know.

  3. Cathy Ulrich

    April 8, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    You’re right, Beth. Nothing could change it and in getting the help you need, you’re moving forward. And you’re being genuine with your feelings…so very important.

    • Comfortably Numb

      April 8, 2013 at 8:38 pm

      Thank you Cathy,
      I’m definitely being genuine here (and with my counsellor) but its very difficult to be myself with him at the moment. Everything is so fragile, both him and myself AND the situation. Im being about as genuine as I can without making anything worse xB

  4. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 8, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    I just wanted to add that none of it was your fault.


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