Am I strong? Or just really fucking weak?
I apologise in advance if this post is all over the place (and full of bad bad words & exclamation marks), this is the raw shit coming out, the floodgates have opened and the panic has set in. I hope that by the time this is published I’m in a better place. Unlike the back-story- this is being written in (my) real time (and published up to a week after) but I’m writing it as its happening and as I’m feeling it…and I don’t know the ending of this one.
I’ve finally cracked, I’m angry, I’m worried, I’m anxious as fuck; I’m crying – A LOT, I’m sad, I’m hurt and I’m so confused. Is putting up with all of this really strength? Or is it just stopping fighting because I don’t have the energy for it anymore?
I mean, what the fuck am I getting out of this? Am I really settling for a MARRIAGE where only one of us loves the other? I’ve built up barriers so anything I did have left of us is non existent because what’s the point in cuddling up and kissing when none of it is real? I even flinch when he comes near me, not because I think -even for a second- that he would physically hurt me but because its like a stranger coming on to me, I don’t know which him I’m with, I don’t know where the affection is coming from, I don’t know what he’s going to get out of it and I don’t know what mental weapon he’s going to surprise me with next to psychologically beat me with.
And yet I’m still here, why? Oh wait…its because I’m fucking weak! I must be…otherwise why would sneaking into bed with him just to cuddle up and cry while he sleeps- blissfully unaware- be any kind of comfort for me? A strong person doesn’t live on hope every day…do they? They don’t pretend to everyone that nothing is going on…do they? If I wasn’t weak surely I would have left by now…but I haven’t.
Its because the thought of being with anyone else is absolutely terrifying. To even consider going through this again with anyone…to contemplate ever trusting anyone else…to imagine having to rebuild my entire life AGAIN! How the fuck would I do that? How could I ever trust anyone after this? How could I ever be happy? I don’t WANT to do it again, I don’t WANT to find someone else and I don’t WANT this to be happening! So I either have to fight for it and keep trying and keep HOPING that something changes and something gets better or I let it go…but I don’t know how to do either of those things.
The idea kills me, it really does, I see no light at the end of the tunnel in either situation. I’m lost, I’m confused and right now I would welcome a bus to the face just so I could avoid having to deal with any of this anymore.
As anyone who has read my past blog will know- I was happy, I was totally, madly, deeply in love with this man; I didn’t see this coming and I doubt any of you did either….and I can not believe that that wasn’t real! I don’t WANT to believe it…because that would mean accepting it and having to actually face facts that my marriage is over!
Oh my god that’s so hard to say! It hurts SO much! And HE has done this! HE has ruined it, he’s ruined our marriage…he’s broken my heart and ruined my life! How could I even consider pretending thats OK? How am I meant to act as if nothing has happened? How am I supposed to carry on, to support him and to keep sight of why all while reminding him why he wants me to be the one to be with him through it? How am I supposed to be able to stay ‘me’, to stay stable and consistent when so much has changed?
I couldn’t even walk away from this and feel like I’ve learnt anything…because the only thing I have learnt is that you cant ever trust anyone…ever! Not even yourself because you play tricks on yourself and put yourself through shit with no good end result. But I knew that before, I knew it and I let him trick me into believing otherwise…and I did! I fucking fell for it!
And yet I don’t blame him, I wish I did but I really don’t. I honestly don’t believe he’s done this on purpose, I don’t think he’s set out to play some cruel game on me I genuinely believe he is as messed up and as confused as I am. I believe he has an illness, I believe he doesn’t know what he’s feeling or what’s acceptable behaviour, I believe subconsciously he’s doing things without understanding it…and that’s what’s stopping me from heading for the door…but is that strength or stupidity? And that’s what I believe…I’ve believed other stuff and look where that’s got me! I don’t KNOW that for sure, I don’t KNOW anything any more. I don’t know how I can carry on like this, I don’t know that anything will get better – or even if it COULD. My mind is all over the place, I don’t know what to think, I cant think any more because it gets me nowhere but overall I don’t WANT to think about it anymore, I don’t want to have to think about anything.I feel like a toddler having a tantrum, stamping my feet and screaming ‘somebody sort this out for me RIGHT NOW!!’ its like that fucking puppy in 101 Dalmatians that almost dies and the owner ‘hopes’ that by rubbing it it will come back to life….but it does doesn’t it? They hope and it works…another Disney LIE…just like that happily ever after shit.
I don’t know what to do, are you all screaming at the screen and telling me I’m being stupid?
is it stupid for me to stay? Am I just a fool? Is it understandable for me to want to stay and see this through to whatever end result it brings? I cant stop hoping, I’m not ready to; if I stopped hoping then I really would have nothing left…am I allowed to keep holding on to hope?
***I wrote this one week ago, and reading it back now its safe to say I am feeling much better, I considered deleting it but decided not to because I feel that anyone reading this should see ALL of my journey; unedited and raw. It shows that I AM human, it proves the ups and downs and the physical strain on a person at a time like this. Hopefully anyone who is having a hard time will find comfort in the thought tha It DOES get better, you CAN make it out the other side and you ARE allowed to grieve.***
- The Impact of Disney’s Love Stories on Modern Dating (prinzecharming.com)
- And I Actually Fucking Thought I WANTED to Feel. (riseandrun84.wordpress.com)
- This is Me, Asking for Help (beenkissingafool.wordpress.com)