I asked him how many times he had impulse lied without telling me, he said a couple but they were over little things that weren’t relevant, one example he gave was when I asked what he was thinking about (yup that old cliché) well we often ask each other and he said on one particular occasion he said “nothing” when in fact he had been on a random thought tangent, i.e. ” where can I get a new bulb -> light bulbs and flower bulbs probably share the same name because they’re the same shape -> boys and girls often share the same name, Sam, Jo…. -> ooh look a squirrel”
I do the same quite a lot so I understand why he said “nothing”…Because I’m guilty of doing it too.
He was adamant that any others were along the same lines. Sometimes when he’s said overly sweet or nice things I’ve flat out asked if he’s impulse lying and he will either say no or he will give me the impolite or dulled version… But that’s where I get confused; how do you differentiate between impulse lying and just being nice or polite to make others feel good?
I’ve often asked how someone is out of politeness, I’ve made small talk about shit I don’t care about and I’ve said dinner was great when really it was only OK. So where do you draw the line?
I suppose the thing is for him to learn that if he said “dinner was OK” it wouldn’t make a difference. Yeah it’s rude but it’s honest so I’m assuming the point is for him to recognise that he does it and that there is no point in lying no matter how insignificant. right?
I asked whether the thought of telling me has made him lie less so that he doesn’t have to tell me or whether it’s stayed the same. He told me that since telling me the truth THAT day, he had been consciously trying to stop anyway so it’s not really made a difference to the amount.
A few days later we had banter and I ended up making a joke about feelings – or lack of- as a retort to him. I know I know, slap my wrist but he knows I need to laugh or I’ll cry. He asked me (nicely) to please not make jokes about his “feelers”. I apologised and said to be honest I don’t believe that he doesn’t feel anything because his actions contradict his words. Immediately he said he thought so too as his therapist had explained about burying emotions and how childhood trauma can result in subconscious coping techniques etc which he agreed with – LIGHTBULB MOMENT YES! Finally! He’s on the same page as me.
Ok so it needed someone else to tell him – god knows how she worded it so he understood- but it finally clicked for him that he isn’t a monster and that he isn’t alone and that there IS hope.
With all of this considered i asked him to tell me one good, genuine, positive thing each day or every other day,… Or every other week… big or small, whether it’s that dinner was actually nice or that he enjoyed hanging out. Just so I don’t lose sight of why he’s with me- and neither does he- and so I can learn what makes him tick, what makes him happy and I can understand his way of thinking as far as “we” are concerned a little bit more – plus it makes for a good blogging category (joking – kind of)
He said he would so – as I’m a soppy, sentimental fool with an abandoned “happy book” -I think I’m going to make him his own happy book (in blog category form) and document each genuinely good thing he tells me- so I can re read them whenever I lose sight. They will be my reasons to carry on, part of my motivation and my reasons to smile.
- I had my light bulb moment… (highheelsandhammers.wordpress.com)
- The Light Bulb Moment (persephonemagazine.com)
- Sweet Little Lies. (debbie-johansson.com)
- The real self. (chlee84.wordpress.com)
- Liar (infiniteawe.wordpress.com)