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Positively Dahling

10 Apr
Light Bulb

Light Bulb (Photo credit: anthonystoro)

I asked him how many times he had impulse lied without telling me, he said a couple but they were over little things that weren’t relevant, one example he gave was when I asked what he was thinking about (yup that old cliché) well we often ask each other and he said on one particular occasion he said “nothing” when in fact he had been on a random thought tangent,  i.e. ” where can I get a new bulb -> light bulbs and flower bulbs probably share the same name because they’re the same shape -> boys and girls often share the same name, Sam, Jo…. -> ooh look a squirrel”

I do the same quite a lot so I understand why he said “nothing”…Because I’m guilty of doing it too.

He was adamant that any others were along the same lines. Sometimes when he’s said overly sweet or nice things I’ve flat out asked if he’s impulse lying and he will either say no or he will give me the impolite or dulled version… But that’s where I get confused; how do you differentiate between impulse lying and just being nice or polite to make others feel good?

I’ve often asked how someone is out of politeness, I’ve made small talk about shit I don’t care about and I’ve said dinner was great when really it was only OK. So where do you draw the line?

I suppose the thing is for him to learn that if he said “dinner was OK” it wouldn’t make a difference. Yeah it’s rude but it’s honest so I’m assuming the point is for him to recognise that he does it and that there is no point in lying no matter how insignificant. right?

I asked whether the thought of telling me has made him lie less so that he doesn’t have to tell me or whether it’s stayed the same. He told me that since telling me the truth THAT day, he had been consciously trying to stop anyway so it’s not really made a difference to the amount.

A few days later we had banter and I ended up making a joke about feelings – or lack of- as a retort to him. I know I know, slap my wrist but he knows I need to laugh or I’ll cry. He asked me (nicely) to please not make jokes about his “feelers”. I apologised and said to be honest I don’t believe that he doesn’t feel anything because his actions contradict his words. Immediately he said he thought so too as his therapist had explained about burying emotions and how childhood trauma can result in subconscious coping techniques etc which he agreed with – LIGHTBULB MOMENT YES! Finally! He’s on the same page as me.

Ok so it needed someone else to tell him – god knows how she worded it so he understood- but it finally clicked for him that he isn’t a monster and that he isn’t alone and that there IS hope.

With all of this considered i asked him to tell me one good, genuine, positive thing each day or every other day,… Or every other week… big or small, whether it’s that dinner was actually nice or that he enjoyed hanging out.  Just so I don’t lose sight of why he’s with me- and neither does he- and so I can learn what makes him tick, what makes him happy and I can understand his way of thinking as far as “we” are concerned a little bit more – plus it makes for a good blogging category (joking – kind of)

He said he would so – as I’m a soppy, sentimental fool with an abandoned “happy book” -I think I’m going to make him his own happy book (in blog category form) and document each genuinely good thing he tells me- so I can re read them whenever I lose sight. They will be my reasons to carry on, part of my motivation and my reasons to smile.

xBx

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20 Comments

Posted by on April 10, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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20 responses to “Positively Dahling

  1. beetleypete

    April 10, 2013 at 10:14 am

    I can see that you are getting something from this progress, and the fact that the therapist is slowly bringing some awareness. I cannot hide an overwhelming sadness, thinking of a young and attractive wife, looking forward to her husband saying something nice about her occasionally. Sorry B, but I am really beginning to think that you deserve something better than this. If it does turn out to be with this man, and healing has happened, then no-one will be happier than me.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 10, 2013 at 10:30 am

      Thanks Pete, I understand what you mean and have thought it myself. My therapist wants me to figure out what my deal is with going for guys with issues and settling for less than i deserve all the time…My guess would be thanks to my own daddy issues lol.

      He also pointed out that its clear that its in my nature to NEED to see this through to an end point. I am very aware that this may end in divorce…but there is a chance it could get better and until I know the ending I wont be able to leave it unfinished. urgh can you imagine haunting this place?? lol
      xB

       
    • Donna Gwinnell Weidner

      April 10, 2013 at 2:51 pm

      Pete…I am looking forward to doing the virtual happy dance with you…XXX’s all around B.

       
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 10, 2013 at 2:58 pm

        Lol Thank you Donna 🙂 btw did you receive a notification that I nominated you for the very inpiring blog award? …because i did 😉 so congrats (Pete LOVES awards btw ha ha) xB

         
      • Donna Gwinnell Weidner

        April 11, 2013 at 1:15 am

        I did…thank you B! I just need to get to it now. Also, I just came across Thich Nhat Hanh’s advice on love: “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” Thankfully, life can be long, so this will give us all something to work on. Big Fat XXX’s

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 11, 2013 at 10:33 am

        Id better get sawing at that ball and chain i attached to his leg… 😉 Thanks Donna xB

         
  2. greenembers

    April 10, 2013 at 10:38 am

    I love the idea of a happy book! Such a good idea! I think progress is being made, progress can be so ever painfully slow though. Keep up the good work! 🙂

     
  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 10, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    What a wonderful idea! xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 11, 2013 at 10:31 am

      fingers crossed…seeing as it seems so damn hard to find my own silver linings somedays at least I can use his to fall back on 😉

       
  4. A2LSM

    April 10, 2013 at 10:36 pm

    I love the idea of a happy book!! I was just reading on another blog about a gratitude journal. I think I feel a “hint” coming on! lol Thank you for this post…keep your head up and your heart strong 🙂

     
  5. A2LSM

    April 11, 2013 at 12:18 am

    Smiling…you sure we aren’t related?

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 11, 2013 at 10:32 am

      its possible…OR maybe we just read the same blog the other day and got brainwashed lol

       
      • A2LSM

        April 11, 2013 at 6:50 pm

        Or both! lol I think we probably read the same blog 🙂

         

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