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Me Vs Porn

14 Apr
body lesson

body lesson (Photo credit: chick in heels)

I had a rather shitty day or 2 this week, One thing in particular had been niggling me and I’m not sure what word I would use to describe it other than pissed off.I resent him for making me think less of myself.

As someone who spent so long struggling to feel confident being myself around others it’s more than a little upsetting to be thrown so far backwards. I was outgoing, I was fun and I laughed a lot. Now I’ve gone into a shell and I want to get out but I know when I do that will be messy. All of this has made me doubt myself, my personality, my appearance.

When your new husband isn’t interested in you at all (sexually) it’s absolutely shattering. To slip into bed and have no appeal to a man you married less than a year ago… Or to make an effort, hair, makeup, best push up bra on earth… And still nothing is a horrible horrible feeling.

Yeah sometimes it happens, but the whole time I’m very conscious of the fact he’s doing it for my benefit ad getting nothing out of it. I’m reminded every single time that I do nothing for him – sexually, that I’m not good enough, that I’m redundant in bed; that he’s thinking about porn when he’s with me… and that’s not me being self conscious or fishing for attention… That’s a FACT! To know that and to know that porn is the answer for him… Well how would you feel?

I asked him how he would feel if I met up with someone else for sex 3 times a week…not because I would but because in my mind THAT’S the equivalent of how I feel (emotionally) about him doing what he does and I wanted to see how he would like it… his heart raced, his mouth dried and all he responded with was…’who would it be?’  *urgh* he told me that he didn’t think it would bother him…but his physical – subconscious- response tells me otherwise…which I guess is my silver lining from that conversation.

Love Your Body!

Love Your Body! (Photo credit: wadem)

He’s on leave for 2 weeks so he’s now home while I’m not and I hate it. The thought of being turned down and replaced by porn … It makes me feel sick! I feel so shit; every day I worry about it and my anxiety levels are through the roof from that alone…I am so scared that this worry alone will push me away entirely. But at the same time I understand it. I get that he physically feels nothing so why else would he be interested – apart from to please me? I get that he gets frustrated by it and needs a release where he doesn’t have to act… I understand it but it still doesn’t make me feel any better. It doesn’t change that this is the reality of our marriage… And It sucks ass!

I’ve been in relationships where I got nothing from them (emotionally) yet the sex was amazing… I’ve been in relationships where sex was pretty much non existent but other than that the guy was marriage material, caring, loving and so so considerate of my feelings… And yet I walked away. I knew i deserved better. I deserved to feel – to BE- loved AND desired and I vowed to never settle for anything less… So how is it that I’m MARRIED to someone who doesn’t make me feel either of those??

I can’t change that but god it’s annoying! Why!? Why marry someone you’re not attracted to? Why bring anyone else into a situation you’re very well aware of?

I hate thinking about all of this, I hate that there is nothing I can do to stop thinking these thoughts. I wish I could be put into an artificial coma so I could sleep until something happens, some kind of result is achieved … But I can’t do that and I need to find a way to accept it.

The only thing keeping me going is hope. Hope that therapy will help him rediscover his emotions, that those emotions will change something physically and that his desire to be with me surfaces… But how long do I wait?

xBx

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37 responses to “Me Vs Porn

  1. TemptingSweets99

    April 14, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Forgive me if this is a question already answered somewhere on your blog. My understanding is that he’s going through therapy, but what about you? Are you in therapy, too?

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 14, 2013 at 10:20 am

      yes Im having my own weekly counselling -with the guy we went to see together which sparked this whole situation. Its helping a lot – though you probably cant tell that from this post lol xB

       
      • TemptingSweets99

        April 14, 2013 at 10:32 am

        That’s really good and I’m glad it’s been helping a lot. Sending you good thoughts. xoxo

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 14, 2013 at 10:34 am

        Thank you… Sexy, confident thoughts would be great lol 😉

         
      • TemptingSweets99

        April 14, 2013 at 10:35 am

        Done! I’m sending “sexy, confident thoughts” in tenfold! 😀

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 14, 2013 at 10:37 am

        Whoop whoop I feel sexier already 😉

         
      • TemptingSweets99

        April 14, 2013 at 10:42 am

        Awesome! THAT’S the spirit!!!!! 😀

         
  2. helenvalentina

    April 14, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Wow. I pressed like only because this was so well written, but I hope you are ok, this sounds very difficult to deal with.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 14, 2013 at 10:21 am

      Thank you, yeah its a bit of an awkward post today but it was well needed on my part. thanks for reading xB

       
  3. greenembers

    April 14, 2013 at 10:33 am

    I wish I had answers for you. 😦 I guess time and hard work on his part will provide the answer. Which waiting sucks. I think the silver lining is very positive imo.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 14, 2013 at 10:37 am

      Thank you, the other silver lining would be that this issue (this post) is just one glitch right now. Other than my insecurities about it we’ve had a pretty positive week so… “it could be worse” lol xB

       
  4. beetleypete

    April 14, 2013 at 11:40 am

    Two things stand out from this article for me. First, he asked ‘who would it be?’ if you saw someone else three times a week. That has to be the strangest answer ever, and implies that he only cares about your imaginary infidelity, if it is with someone he would not approve of. I am still trying to get my head around the whole spiral of that one.
    Secondly, the relationship with the man who is both caring, kind, intelligent ‘marriage material’, and super sexy too, is never going to happen. As with the super sexy man who is boorish, and inconsiderate, the combinations somehow always work that way. At best, we all accept a compromise between sex and love, and you just how to work out how that balance can be achieved in your life.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 14, 2013 at 1:38 pm

      Brilliant response as always Pete thank you 🙂
      Youre right, its all about balance…but when the scales are non existent its a case of building them up from scratch 😉 xB

       
  5. Charles Yallowitz

    April 14, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Hope everything works out. My wife and I have been in couples therapy for almost 2 years and it helps a lot. You just have to stay strong and patient as things slowly improve.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 14, 2013 at 1:40 pm

      Thank you, its good to know that things do get better. Right now we have gone from couples therapy to the big reveal to seeing our own therapists as we definitely need to find ourselves before we can really make ‘us’ work together xB

       
  6. Mocha

    April 14, 2013 at 3:26 pm

    B, this was heart wrenching to read..like Beetley I find the reply, who would it be also strange…

     
  7. Mocha

    April 14, 2013 at 3:30 pm

    not sure if my comment got through, but this was heart wrenching to read, like Beetley I also find the reply ‘who would it be’ strange…

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 14, 2013 at 3:58 pm

      It did, thank you. That response had me stumped too – perhaps he thinks I have someone lined up but then if it “wouldn’t bother him” regardless why would it matter? Saying that I did catch him looking up a friend of mine on Facebook after I had tagged them in a photo. It’s a girl with a boys name so that was interesting, maybe he’s suspicious now… Which again would mean he WOULD mind xB

       
      • Mocha

        April 14, 2013 at 4:06 pm

        I really don’t know any man that wouldn’t mind…I understand being numb..but doesn’t jealousy tug at a different chord..dunno

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 14, 2013 at 4:12 pm

        Exactly, as my good friend said: you need to try to stop questioning so much as he’s in a situation where he doesn’t know himself at all. He doesn’t understand what he feels, what he should feel or what you want him
        To feel … OR how to voice either of those… He’s a very lost and confused man and all these questions are going to do is make him question himself and get even more lost. Let him understand himself before you try and understand EVERYTHING about him too”

        I have to agree with her… But for me trying to NOT ask questions is like trying not to breathe lol xB

         
  8. Charlie

    April 14, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Your pain oozes out through your words. That’s what I feel and think about this post. It’s hard to feel desirable and warm and loved and at peace when you are being violated, even without being touched. I don’t have any answers. I don’t even have any questions. I just want hope and peace for you. All souls are worthy of love — to love and to be loved. You, too, are worthy of all human affection.

     
  9. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 14, 2013 at 5:45 pm

    I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t. Like the others I find his question odd. I’m just sitting with you and letting you know that you’re not alone. xo

     
  10. Wyndy Dee

    April 14, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    This is such a common problem today. It is too easy to access now and for free, and it is destroying our young men and women. There is curiosity, and there is addiction and addiction is called addiction for a reason whether food, drugs, porn, alcohol….they rule your life and destroy loving relationships. I pray that you both get through this. I am sorry that it has made you feel less than who you truly are and he doesn’t get that it is cheating in the woman’s mind. It is him having sex with other women, regardless if it is skin on skin. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you. Hugs and Love! You are beautiful and sexy and lovely and warm and precious and sweet and courageous and brave and happy and worthy of loving and being loved! That is how I see you.

     
  11. Donna Gwinnell Weidner

    April 15, 2013 at 1:09 am

    I’m sitting with you too–listening–try to remember that you are in control of your emotions–sounds weird/impossible/WTF is that supposed to mean, but it’s not up to someone else to make you feel one way or another–in my experience there is a lot of truth in “you can only love someone as much as you love yourself”–this runs deep for you too–where does “I’m not worthy of love” come from? Just a thought. You are peeling a huge onion yourself. Just when things are looking up it’s time for the next layer, but when you get to the heart of the matter, you will find peace. In the meantime, take a bat to a cushion or how about boxing lessons when you are feeling ‘less than’? Giant HUGS B and a barrel o’ patience.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 15, 2013 at 8:26 pm

      Thank you so much, what a wonderful way to put it. I agree with the ‘love yourself’ thing and that we are in control etc BUT I do feel that I finally did learn to love myself when I met him. Our relationship, the trust I had for him more than I had ever had for anyone (ironically) relaxed me enough to allow the true me to shine, the self loving me…and although that isnt technically ‘thanks to him’ i do associate to 2…so i guess to find out that the majority of that -journey if you will- wasnt true kind of snowballs into one giant insecurity (does any of that make sense? its been a very long day lol) xB

       
  12. lilithkmac

    April 15, 2013 at 5:37 am

    I have been down this road, so know what you’re feeling. When he started calling me names like “nasty b**ch” in bed, I just stopped in the middle and walked out. It was enough, I wasn’t some ho on the street corner I was a woman who loved him and thought he loved me back, but unfortunately he loved the idea of a porn star rather than a woman in his bed.

    I do hope things get better for you, and know that we are ALL worthy of someone who loves us for US, not for their expectations of who they want us to be 😉

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 15, 2013 at 8:28 pm

      Thank you very much, and good for you for sticking up for yourself! 🙂

       
  13. belovedahava

    April 16, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    I’ve so been there. I remember nights crying myself to sleep because my husband (now ex) would turn me down, wait until he thought I was asleep, and go watch porn. Here I was a 21 year old wife, with a husband just a year older, who wanted nothing to do with me. When he did anything it was always begrudging, if he had to have sex with me, he may as well get things he enjoyed and not have to give me anything except penetration.
    I know how this feels and it sucks. I’m glad he is trying to get some help, I hope it does help.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 16, 2013 at 1:53 pm

      wow I know that feeling…and as horirble as it is this comment makes me feel better because it reminds me that im not alone and that its not my (our) fault.Aside from the fact that you 2 didnt work out…what happened before the end? Did he ever change? even slightly? or is do you think people like that stay that way forever? xB

       
  14. Ms. Cyndi

    April 16, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    You are so not alone! DH refused counseling, decided he could lick it himself. Yeah right. Couldn’t comprehend why I wanted to get help. Stayed because he was my best friend. Still my best friend. He is now mostly out of it, but things are not the same and probably never will be. They are okay, but I often thing they will always be limited to okay.

     

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