He had his second therapy session last week and, once home, I noticed he had left out a little sticky note which says
‘Don’t forget this: Could’
Assuming he left it as an invitation for me to ask about it…I did. His therapist has noticed that he says should rather than could and has urged him to focus on the could rather than the should.Of course I’m going with whatever she wants him to do but I’m confused. My husbands explanation of why was a little (ok really) vague so I got on Google but I’m still unclear…can anyone explain the logic?
(used to express condition): Were he to arrive, I should be pleased.
(used to indicate duty, propriety, or expediency): You should not do that.
(used to make a statement less direct or blunt): I should think you would apologize.
(used to express possibility): I wonder who that could be at the door. That couldn’t be true.
(used to express conditional possibility or ability): You could do it if you tried.
(used in offering suggestions or advice): You could write and ask for more information. You could at least have called me.
From this I can only assume that the point is to make him focus more on the positives of possibilities and his own ability (what he CAN or COULD do) rather than concentrating on what he should be…..*voice trails off as I confuse myself again*
The other thing he told me is about a well known (in the psychology world) theory of the 3 ego-states (parent, adult, child) in ‘Transactional Analysis’ – of which his therapist thinks he is missing the ‘child’ element. -again his description was vague so I jumped back on google and had a little more luck…
‘At any given time, a person experiences and manifests their personality through a mixture of behaviours, thoughts and feelings. Typically, according to TA, there are three ego-states that people consistently use:
Parent (“exteropsyche”): a state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to an unconscious mimicking of how their parents (or other parental figures) acted, or how they interpreted their parent’s actions. For example, a person may shout at someone out of frustration because they learned from an influential figure in childhood the lesson that this seemed to be a way of relating that worked.
Adult (“neopsyche”): a state of the ego which is most like a computer processing information and making predictions absent of major emotions that could affect its operation. Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA. While a person is in the Adult ego state, he/she is directed towards an objective appraisal of reality.
Child (“archaeopsyche”): a state in which people behave, feel and think similarly to how they did in childhood. For example, a person who receives a poor evaluation at work may respond by looking at the floor, and crying or pouting, as they used to when scolded as a child. Conversely, a person who receives a good evaluation may respond with a broad smile and a joyful gesture of thanks. The Child is the source of emotions, creation, recreation, spontaneity and intimacy.’
In other words:
Parent is our ‘Taught’ concept of life
Adult is our ‘Thought’ concept of life
Child is our ‘Felt’ concept of life
Now, I dont know about you but that makes SO much sense in his case.His therapist wants to help him reconnect with his ‘inner child’, to break down the barriers he has subconsciously built around his true self and allow him to rediscover his own emotions.
As my counsellor put it…’its like putting pin pricks into his soul and letting the light shine in…it’s a difficult process but it’s a very good place to start’
That’s the ultimate silver lining right there…I’m feeling hopeful
- Person Centred Therapy & Transactional Analysis Practitioner Courses in April 2013 (goacounsellinginstitute.wordpress.com)
- Discarding the inner child (andthenyoudied.wordpress.com)
- The Ego, exposed (sanctuum.wordpress.com)