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Twisting the knife

26 Apr
Bloody knife and table

Bloody knife and table (Photo credit: Mads Johansen)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

***I had considered scheduling this post for a later date to let you feel the same security I felt by the progress my husband and I have made. I was going to catch you up with many more of his ‘honestly’ posts…like this one (here) -as there are a lot still to come- but…as it is my blogging life is still about a week behind reality and this blog is still about helping me get over the many issues in my marriage so… here goes***

My husband returned from his 3rd therapy session and instantly I noticed he was unusually quiet but I put it down to being exhausted after letting it all out in session. However he was also more kissy. He was cuddling me from behind every minute or so, kissing my neck and forehead…I mean he does this anyway but this time it happened a lot -in a sweet way rather than sexual- in a really short space of time. Pleasantly surprised with a hint of suspicion I said ‘ooooh what’s this for?’ (with smiles etc) and he replied…

“Because I don’t want you to be mad….I’ve been lying to her…(The therapist)
Not about everything but definitely blocking…
She asks me questions and I lie…
To throw her off track and confuse her…
Because I don’t want her to figure me out…
She asked where I got a certain (negative) mind frame – a key part of this issue- and I told her I didn’t know… But I do…I know why i think the way I do, I know why I am the way I am…but I don’t want to talk about it.
But it’s good right? That I’ve come clean and told you that? It’s progress isn’t it?”

Erm what?! He knows a vital part of why he thinks this way and he won’t tell me or her… how frustrating! I remembered from his first session that I wasn’t meant to react when he admitted things to me and to be fair I was so shocked and focused on not kicking his ass that I didn’t really have the energy TO react there and then. Anyway, once my emotions had stopped raging, I (calmly) told him I didn’t understand the point of paying to see someone just to lie and that it’s not going to help anything. He said he’s thinking about telling her and I urged him to. I told him I couldn’t be with him IF he continues to lie.

He said it just happens… He can’t help it but the fact that he’s just said its to stop her figuring him out shows that he does it with intent doesn’t it? It’s not like he’s lying about irrelevant things – THAT would be without reason- this time he’s purposely withholding something important. He said its not going to get better overnight and that he does want to stop but not everything he is says is true all the time.. but he’s trying.

He said he doesn’t want to talk about it (the reason), it’s hard to talk about… Which suggests shame or embarrassment or pain…. And they’re feelings!! Aren’t they? He looked at me for some kind of response and instantly read my mind… “but I haven’t been wanking…”  He asked if I believed him and I said I didn’t really have much reason to…

Trust

Trust (Photo credit: vagawi )

Its back to the whole ‘everything I say is bullshit…but trust me’ thing…I don’t know which way to go with it. IS it good that he’s told me? IS it progress? I left it at that and took some time to think about whether it really was good or not (in other words I spoke to my best friend, the only person (in real life) who knows EVERY SINGLE DETAIL.)
She said:

  • He reached out to you.
  • It sounds as though the reason he’s not telling her the truth or ” lying ” is because he doesn’t trust her yet.
  • All he’s doing is what’s he’s always done- putting up his defence and that’s what this is all about – learning to give a little more away about himself. So today he put his guard up but he came home and told the person he DOES trust- maybe not what it’s about but that he had covered up…..baby steps.
  • Putting it in perspective it took him a year to tell you the truth so see yesterday as a step forward at home
  • At least he’s acknowledged his behaviour and a definite need to change

I agree with all of the above…it IS a positive step…but it still gave me that horrible gut punch feeling :/

I am going to discuss it with my counsellor and the hubby is seeing his therapist in a few days so i guess all i can do is see what happens…but in the mean time what do you think? Do you agree that its a good step?

What if he doesn’t tell her? What if he never tells me? I don’t think I could stay with someone who has secrets as big as this…but then i understand that whatever it is must be important, i understand that it must be bad enough to result in him being this way and that it must be hard for him to tell anyone about it…but then something as big as this cant be ignored, it cant be kept from his own wife…can it?

I’m not going to push him or force him to tell me anytime soon, I realise how sensitive it is but is it unfair for me to ask to know it?…to expect to know it?…eventually.
xBx

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24 responses to “Twisting the knife

  1. beetleypete

    April 26, 2013 at 10:09 am

    Whatever this hidden revelation actually involves, it seems to me that it will be one of two things. It will either be a life-changing disclosure, of the – “WOW, so it was that!!” – school; or an incident that he has long held to be important, but others may believe to be ‘no big deal’,

    The third option, and the really important one to contemplate, is that the whole thing is a construct; he doesn’t tell the therapist, as there is nothing to tell, because he is a born liar, and incapable of feeling. As blogging companions, we cannot make these decisions.
    Only those who have looked into his eyes, can realistically offer an opinion. As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 27, 2013 at 9:56 am

      Thanks Pete. The third one is scary…but its not something I havent already considered, in fact its in the back of my mind all the time. :/

      Only time will tell I suppose. xB

       
  2. greenembers

    April 26, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Your best friend has some profound insight. She said everything I was thinking. I think this is a positive step. Definitely feelings of shame on his part, that he has spent a long time building walls around. The fact he is admitting something is there is pretty huge. Just my two cents.

     
    • Doggy's Style

      April 26, 2013 at 11:58 am

      I agree with Greenembers.
      It’s a step forward.

       
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 27, 2013 at 10:01 am

      Thanks greenembers, I agree – now that Ive had a few days to process it a bit more anyway (and I told him that eventually too)

      Its just been so frustrating, when youre trying to help someone you love and theres NOTHING you can do… but then I have never been in his situation so I have no idea how hard it must be for him. HOWEVER, thats part of the frustration too….I want to understand it so i can support him but I cant do that (fully) without knowing.

      But yes, babysteps and all that, its progress of sorts xB

       
  3. Cathy Ulrich

    April 26, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    Beth,
    People who have been abused, especially as children, learn to protect themselves with lies. And they get very good at it. And then they don’t know themselves what is true or not. This is, more than likely, going to take time and he can learn a different way where the truth works better than the lies. Your friend is very wise, Beth. I’d say, give it time and know that he’s open to change, he’s just working on finding his way.
    Cathy

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 27, 2013 at 10:06 am

      Thank you Cathy, great insight.

      I spoke to my counsellor a few days after all of this and he explained the same. To be honest its what I already knew, although i dont know from personal experience what it must be like for him – or others- I do ‘get it’ (as much as possible anyway) But when your emotions are running high its hard to not just react and explode even if just through shock and frustration.

      But you are right, it IS a positive – and I made sure I told him that once I had calmed enough to get my head around it.

      Thank you xB

       
  4. Fat Bottom Girl

    April 26, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    It does take time to build trust within a therapeutic setting. It sounds like whatever his secret is, he is not comfortable enough to reveal to his therapist, or to you yet. At least he acknowledges that it’s there. I wholeheartedly agree with Cathy; once lying begins, it envelops the person and they don’t know where lying ends and the truth starts. It’s hard to pull yourself out of that, because after so long it’s like second nature. It’s re-learning something, and it takes time.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 27, 2013 at 10:11 am

      Thank you hun, I agree. Took me a while toadmit to myself that I agreed lol but I do – and I made sure I told my husband that too.

      It was unreasonable for me to expect the truth to be all out in the open from the first admission really but I suppose I didnt let myself even consider that because I didnt want it to be real. I wanted that to be it – as im sure anyone else would too lol- and somehow I had almost forgotten that my life had just been turned upside down…so for it to then be forced back into my mind is…well its never going to be welcomed with open arms is it? lol

      But, it IS the truth, it IS a positive and I just need to protect myself somehow and prepare myself for the next installment. -I just need to figure out HOW i do that.

      Thanks again
      xB

       
  5. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 26, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    Again I’m risking, I feel like the devils advocate here in comparison to everyone elses responses…I got stuck on “He can’t help but lie” I know I’m not the most trusting person but too me it’s worrisome. I also believe there’s hope and it could just be that he’s not comfortable enough to open up to the therapist yet.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 27, 2013 at 10:17 am

      I like that youre being the devils advocate – it gives me more to consider. 🙂

      I didnt like that bit either, it worries me too but the impulse lies were the first thing he came back with from the therapist so Im going along with it (I google it for myself after he tells me stuff about his sessions and it always makes sense)

      If you havent already – check out Cathys reply, I think she explains it really well. Of course I dont LIKE it lol but I do understand that some people are that way

      xB

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        April 27, 2013 at 4:54 pm

        Okay good. I’ll check out her response. 🙂

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        April 27, 2013 at 5:00 pm

        Oh yes I did read this. He may have had to lie to avoid more abuse and I do get what she’s saying.

         
  6. Mocha

    April 26, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Yes, no pushing or force…let time do its work…

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 27, 2013 at 10:18 am

      I will try….pinky promise

       
      • Mocha

        April 27, 2013 at 12:48 pm

        Pinky promises are binding contracts…

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 27, 2013 at 6:55 pm

        If only everyone knew that!

         
      • Mocha

        April 27, 2013 at 7:00 pm

        hey..I had dropped you an email in your army inbox…

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 27, 2013 at 7:02 pm

        I JUST this second found it and gave a short reply…thank you again and I will reply properly when I get a chance xB

         
      • Mocha

        April 27, 2013 at 7:03 pm

        coolio…buck up

         
  7. John W. Howell

    April 26, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    I don’t know if you have ever flown an airplane but good flying means very small corrections to the course. If you hit rough air and drop, you don’t try to overcorrect you just let the airplane stabilize and then return to your altitude. This looks the same. A small reaction on your part will keep the airship on course. My 11/2 cents

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 27, 2013 at 10:19 am

      I smiled reading this, such a great way of looking at it – Thank You

      Though if i were to fly a plane, I dont think I would be here to blog the tale lol…so I hope that doesnt reflect my marriage 😉

       

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