Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…
***I had considered scheduling this post for a later date to let you feel the same security I felt by the progress my husband and I have made. I was going to catch you up with many more of his ‘honestly’ posts…like this one (here) -as there are a lot still to come- but…as it is my blogging life is still about a week behind reality and this blog is still about helping me get over the many issues in my marriage so… here goes***
My husband returned from his 3rd therapy session and instantly I noticed he was unusually quiet but I put it down to being exhausted after letting it all out in session. However he was also more kissy. He was cuddling me from behind every minute or so, kissing my neck and forehead…I mean he does this anyway but this time it happened a lot -in a sweet way rather than sexual- in a really short space of time. Pleasantly surprised with a hint of suspicion I said ‘ooooh what’s this for?’ (with smiles etc) and he replied…
“Because I don’t want you to be mad….I’ve been lying to her…(The therapist)
Not about everything but definitely blocking…
She asks me questions and I lie…
To throw her off track and confuse her…
Because I don’t want her to figure me out…
She asked where I got a certain (negative) mind frame – a key part of this issue- and I told her I didn’t know… But I do…I know why i think the way I do, I know why I am the way I am…but I don’t want to talk about it.
But it’s good right? That I’ve come clean and told you that? It’s progress isn’t it?”
Erm what?! He knows a vital part of why he thinks this way and he won’t tell me or her… how frustrating! I remembered from his first session that I wasn’t meant to react when he admitted things to me and to be fair I was so shocked and focused on not kicking his ass that I didn’t really have the energy TO react there and then. Anyway, once my emotions had stopped raging, I (calmly) told him I didn’t understand the point of paying to see someone just to lie and that it’s not going to help anything. He said he’s thinking about telling her and I urged him to. I told him I couldn’t be with him IF he continues to lie.
He said it just happens… He can’t help it but the fact that he’s just said its to stop her figuring him out shows that he does it with intent doesn’t it? It’s not like he’s lying about irrelevant things – THAT would be without reason- this time he’s purposely withholding something important. He said its not going to get better overnight and that he does want to stop but not everything he is says is true all the time.. but he’s trying.
He said he doesn’t want to talk about it (the reason), it’s hard to talk about… Which suggests shame or embarrassment or pain…. And they’re feelings!! Aren’t they? He looked at me for some kind of response and instantly read my mind… “but I haven’t been wanking…” He asked if I believed him and I said I didn’t really have much reason to…
Its back to the whole ‘everything I say is bullshit…but trust me’ thing…I don’t know which way to go with it. IS it good that he’s told me? IS it progress? I left it at that and took some time to think about whether it really was good or not (in other words I spoke to my best friend, the only person (in real life) who knows EVERY SINGLE DETAIL.)
- He reached out to you.
- It sounds as though the reason he’s not telling her the truth or ” lying ” is because he doesn’t trust her yet.
- All he’s doing is what’s he’s always done- putting up his defence and that’s what this is all about – learning to give a little more away about himself. So today he put his guard up but he came home and told the person he DOES trust- maybe not what it’s about but that he had covered up…..baby steps.
- Putting it in perspective it took him a year to tell you the truth so see yesterday as a step forward at home
- At least he’s acknowledged his behaviour and a definite need to change
I agree with all of the above…it IS a positive step…but it still gave me that horrible gut punch feeling
I am going to discuss it with my counsellor and the hubby is seeing his therapist in a few days so i guess all i can do is see what happens…but in the mean time what do you think? Do you agree that its a good step?
What if he doesn’t tell her? What if he never tells me? I don’t think I could stay with someone who has secrets as big as this…but then i understand that whatever it is must be important, i understand that it must be bad enough to result in him being this way and that it must be hard for him to tell anyone about it…but then something as big as this cant be ignored, it cant be kept from his own wife…can it?
I’m not going to push him or force him to tell me anytime soon, I realise how sensitive it is but is it unfair for me to ask to know it?…to expect to know it?…eventually.
- Plot Twist (pointlessnothing.wordpress.com)
- Life Decisions (diamondslight.wordpress.com)
- how do you know? (paolaoddone.wordpress.com)