I saw my counsellor straight after porn-gate an he told me to look up co-dependency, he told me about support groups and the three Cs:
I didn’t CAUSE this
I can’t CURE this
I can’t CHANGE this
It sounded empowering but then he began asking about my upbringing, whether anything in my current situation – i.e. wanting to fix someone or ‘desperate’ for someone to love me – was similar to that of my past.
I’ve already told him I had daddy issues, I think most of us do to some extent; I’ve also always had strained relationships with my mum and sister, both very highly strung and judgemental… and thinking back – yes I’ve felt like this before- the difference being that I distanced myself, I accepted it and after years and years of heartache I let them get on with it and found my own happiness. In essence I got over it… Or so I thought.
I always thought the term co-dependent simply referred to the partner of someone with issues. But on further inspection I discover that that’s not what it means at all:
‘Co-dependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.People who are co-dependent often take on the role of martyr; they constantly put others’ needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are “needed”; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Co-dependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, co-dependent people also tend to set themselves up as the “victim”. When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.’
Reading up on co-dependency it would suggest that I didn’t get over those issues from my past, those past feelings are the reason I’m still in the relationship I am in, they’re the reason I’m still hanging on… because I am (apparently) co-dependent.
But I don’t necessarily agree with it and now – surprise surprise- I’m confused. Surely there’s a really thin line between placing other peoples needs above my own and simply understanding that its not all about me? Understanding that my husband NEEDS help and that neither of us will be entirely happy until he’s making progress…until we are making progress? Isn’t that part of a relationship? Teamwork? Taking care of each other and stepping up when the other needs a little more support?
I’m a logical person -and a massively emotional one yes but I always think things through so when it comes to my husband I know that I cant be moping around the house crying every day and being angry with him because for one it wont help anything and secondly I have read up on it and had enough other input to UNDERSTAND that he’s just as confused as I am about it all.
That doesn’t mean to say I DON’T cry and get angry sometimes because I do and the only reason I feel guilty after is because I’ve exploded and said things I didn’t mean to say or in a way that could have undone everything. After a breather – yes I will often apologise for saying the harsh stuff but doesn’t everyone after an argument? – But I will go back in there and talk about everything, or say everything that needs to be said…in essence I stick up for myself…and I don’t feel guilty for doing that.
Also, I honestly feel that I do not play the role of the martyr; I’m logical enough to know when enough is enough, to know when to walk away and though my emotions may hate me for it I do it, I have done it and I will do it again…but right now we are 4 therapy sessions in and I don’t think that’s long enough to see real changes. There’s a difference between ‘making excuses’ and putting things into perspective. There’s also a difference between crying ‘why me??’ and crying ‘why is this happening? -period’. Oh and as for being alone…or being needed…I love being on my own, I lived alone for years and I would do it again in a heartbeat…I would love to have no responsibilities again…so that’s a bunch of bollocks in my case anyway.
Some aspects however I do agree with, I do put others needs before myself; its something I have always done and yes I need to figure out a balance. It was only the other day I read a book which put it into perspective saying something like put yourself before others, without hurting anyone else and put others before yourself without damaging yourself…Ill have to find the actual quote cause my version is shit lol but it clicked with me. It IS something I need to work on but again there’s a fine line between being caring and being too caring I suppose.
So…out of all of this the thing that has stayed with me the most is those three Cs. They’re true, I did not cause this, I can not cure him and I can not change him…but I can be here to support him and to show him what love is. (btw I cannot stress enough that its not just us 2 sat around being awkward all the time we do have fun, we laugh, we do things together and cuddle up etc…I AM getting some physical and emotional stuff in return…just thought I’d add that in)
For me, I need to think of some emotional goals (It IS Motivation Monday after all):
- Find something for me, something to take my mind off of it, to let go in a way and distract myself a little (without giving me a false sense of security) -hopefully this job will come through and there’s that one sorted lol.
- I need to stop this from taking over my life completely – So far (I know a lot of you will be cheering at this one after THIS post….) I have STOPPED asking/talking about wanking. I haven’t asked or said it in 6 days now…be proud…if only there was a blog counter- ‘days since…000006’ I have also stopped hiding the laptop – I hate it but I need to get myself out of that habit – besides the porn filter is still on there so…
- Keep up with my blogging – my support network and my outlet and maybe look up some support groups nearby
Right now, I have a whole load of blogging and housework and emails to catch up on so…Happy Monday
- 30 Things to Start Doing for Yourself (mbtimetraveler.com)
- Is your relationship feeling a little lop-sided? (martinamcgowan.com)
- Want, don’t need (thehindu.com)
- Understanding understanding (3ammagazine.com)
- Signs of Codependence & Codependent Behavior (psychcentral.com)
- Causes and Treatment of Codependence (overshadows.wordpress.com)
- You know what sucks about codependency? (uncommonmisconception.typepad.com)
- Codependence – An Addiction (overshadows.wordpress.com)
- Letting Go of Unavailable People (adatingdogsblog.com)
- What the hell is codependency? (bravolionlady.wordpress.com)