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The Three Cs

29 Apr
Codependency: The Game

Codependency: The Game (Photo credit: jasonEscapist)

I saw my counsellor straight after porn-gate an he told me to look up co-dependency, he told me about support groups and the three Cs:
I didn’t CAUSE this
I can’t CURE this
I can’t CHANGE this
It sounded empowering but then he began asking about my upbringing, whether anything in my current situation – i.e. wanting to fix someone or ‘desperate’ for someone to love me – was similar to that of my past.

I’ve already told him I had daddy issues, I think most of us do to some extent; I’ve also always had strained relationships with my mum and sister, both very highly strung and judgemental… and thinking back – yes I’ve felt like this before- the difference being that I distanced myself, I accepted it and after years and years of heartache I let them get on with it and found my own happiness. In essence I got over it… Or so I thought.

I always thought the term co-dependent simply referred to the partner of someone with issues. But on further inspection I discover that that’s not what it means at all:

Co-dependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.People who are co-dependent often take on the role of martyr; they constantly put others’ needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are “needed”; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Co-dependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, co-dependent people also tend to set themselves up as the “victim”. When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.’

Reading up on co-dependency it would suggest that I didn’t get over those issues from my past, those past feelings are the reason I’m still in the relationship I am in, they’re the reason I’m still hanging on… because I am (apparently) co-dependent.

Codependency

Codependency (Photo credit: Edmund White)

But I don’t necessarily agree with it and now – surprise surprise- I’m confused. Surely there’s a really thin line between placing other peoples needs above my own and simply understanding that its not all about me? Understanding that my husband NEEDS help and that neither of us will be entirely happy until he’s making progress…until we are making progress? Isn’t that part of a relationship? Teamwork? Taking care of each other and stepping up when the other needs a little more support?

I’m a logical person -and a massively emotional one yes but I always think things through so when it comes to my husband I know that I cant be moping around the house crying every day and being angry with him because for one it wont help anything and secondly I have read up on it and had enough other input to UNDERSTAND that he’s just as confused as I am about it all.

That doesn’t mean to say I DON’T cry and get angry sometimes because I do and the only reason I feel guilty after is because I’ve exploded and said things I didn’t mean to say or in a way that could have undone everything. After a breather – yes I will often apologise for saying the harsh stuff but doesn’t everyone after an argument? – But I will go back in there and talk about everything, or say everything that needs to be said…in essence I stick up for myself…and I don’t feel guilty for doing that.

Also, I honestly feel that I do not play the role of the martyr; I’m logical enough to know when enough is enough, to know when to walk away and though my emotions may hate me for it I do it, I have done it and I will do it again…but right now we are 4 therapy sessions in and I don’t think that’s long enough to see real changes. There’s a difference between ‘making excuses’ and putting things into perspective. There’s also a difference between crying ‘why me??’ and crying ‘why is this happening? -period’. Oh and as for being alone…or being needed…I love being on my own, I lived alone for years and I would do it again in a heartbeat…I would love to have no responsibilities again…so that’s a bunch of bollocks in my case anyway.

you're too nice

you’re too nice (Photo credit: the|G|™)

Some aspects however I do agree with, I do put others needs before myself; its something I have always done and yes I need to figure out a balance. It was only the other day I read a book which put it into perspective saying something like put yourself before others, without hurting anyone else and put others before yourself without damaging yourself…Ill have to find the actual quote cause my version is shit lol but it clicked with me. It IS something I need to work on but again there’s a fine line between being caring and being too caring I suppose.

So…out of all of this the thing that has stayed with me the most is those three Cs. They’re true, I did not cause this, I can not cure him and I can not change him…but I can be here to support him and to show him what love is. (btw I cannot stress enough that its not just us 2 sat around being awkward all the time we do have fun, we laugh, we do things together and cuddle up etc…I AM getting some physical and emotional stuff in return…just thought I’d add that in)

For me, I need to think of some emotional goals (It IS Motivation Monday after all):

  • Find something for me, something to take my mind off of it, to let go in a way and distract myself a little (without giving me a false sense of security) -hopefully this job will come through and there’s that one sorted lol.
  • I need to stop this from taking over my life completely – So far (I know a lot of you will be cheering at this one after THIS post….) I have STOPPED asking/talking about wanking. I haven’t asked or said it in 6 days now…be proud…if only there was a blog counter- ‘days since…000006’ I have also stopped hiding the laptop – I hate it but I need to get myself out of that habit – besides the porn filter is still on there so…
  • Keep up with my blogging – my support network and my outlet and maybe look up some support groups nearby

Right now, I have a whole load of blogging and housework and emails to catch up on so…Happy Monday
xBx

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16 responses to “The Three Cs

  1. Flaca

    April 29, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Easy to understand post, I guess I’m codependent! Just has my own aha moment reading this. Clearly wont solve everything but perhaps can help me start to fix me. I like your Motivated Monday idea! Have a great day.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 29, 2013 at 5:05 pm

      It’s a strange idea and rather confusing I think (codependency) but im glad you can take something from it 🙂
      as for the motivation Mondays it’s part of the Rome construction crew (if you click the image on the right of my page it will take you to the page which explains all) xB

       
  2. beetleypete

    April 29, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    I still get that niggle, that despite what you say, there is a part of you in there somewhere, blaming yourself, even if just a tiny bit. It has to be stated again, that this is his problem. Your expectations of a marriage were perfectly reasonable, and I cannot deduce from anything on your blog, that you have behaved in any way other than perfectly normal. As far as trying to help, and being understanding, you have far exceeded anyone’s standards.
    I really hope that intense Counselling does not start you beginning to question yourself too much, or raking up old coals, that are still glowing.
    As ever, Pete.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 29, 2013 at 5:10 pm

      Thanks Pete, I think there WAS part of me blaming myself, of course anyone in this situation would start with the “what ifs” but I had to (and still do sometimes) force that away and remember that no there’s nothing I could have done differently – and even if there was it wouldn’t have changed who he is or his deep rooted issues. Perhaps onwould have known earlier, perhaps it wouldn’t have come out yet but regardless I need to focus on the now and the ME.
      I knew this deep down anyway but it wasn’t until this weekend (more posts to come unfortunately lol) that I crumbled, then got it all out and have started a new week with a new mindset. Me me me lol.

      I agree, I have been honest from the start, I have been me the whole way through and I’m not going to let this ruin me and take hold.

      xB

       
  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 29, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    I’m with beetleypete on what he said. I will add in, you can’t show him what love is. I will also say, I’m a co-dependent person but I love to be alone. You’re right this is not your fault, you didn’t not cause it and you can’t change it. It feels to me like you have taken on the ginormous task of making this marriage work all by yourself. Hypothetically speaking, IF you were to leave, it wouldn’t be your fault either…I say that because you married into a lie. I don’t see how that’s your fault.

    I know you know my situation between Hubby and I, but Hubby knew up front what he was getting into with me.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 29, 2013 at 5:24 pm

      Very true and I understand that. I think for me I NEED to see this to some sort of end result – whether it’s figuring out there is no hope, some miraculous breakthrough or just realising that whatever the “as best it’s ever going to get” isn’t good enough for me (sounds harsh but I’m sure you know what I mean)

      I know it wouldn’t be my fault if I walked away, I know that he would be the way his regardless of when where what how or who but for me to walk away right now – I guess the only way to describe it would be “unfinished business” if I were to walk away and then die in 40 years time THAT would be my unfinished business. I am however very much aware that I need to make sure if nothing changes that I walk away before I damage myself.

      I know I can’t teach him love or show him how to but I CAN show him that he IS loved regardless (though like discussed with the unconditional love thing that doesn’t mean I’ll stick around even if I do love him)

      Thank you again  I value your thoughts (apologies if there are typos- I’m risking replying on my phone lol)
      x Beth x
       

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        April 29, 2013 at 5:28 pm

        I’m glad you are taking care of yourself in this too. I get the unfinished business. You’ll know in you “knower” what to do and when, when the time is right. xo

         
  4. Mocha

    April 29, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    there is nothing wrong with team work in relationships and taking care of each other…in terms of co-dependency and I may be wrong here, I think there comes a point when the ‘martyr’ the constant victim, the constant helper realizes they are this person and continues to act accordingly to feed that co-dependent need, i think thats where some of the problem may lies…also I mean if you put others needs at such a level where you forget about you and taking care of you…thats a problem…just me…

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      April 29, 2013 at 5:38 pm

      I agree and in the same breathe I feel that’s a difficult line too as some aspects are similar to depression. Eg in the past I suffered from depression and wouldn’t take care of myself at all, I’ve felt this way maybe a handful of times during all of this, you mope for a day and then you snap out of it and get on with it. That’s to be expected though really isn’t it? Who’s to say what is what really? It’s all very confusing lol but regardless I think you’re right, as long as you (or I) do pull yourself out of it and do something about it I think it’s pretty standard.
      (That is what you mean right? Lol)
      xB

       
      • Mocha

        April 29, 2013 at 5:44 pm

        hmm…who’s to say what is what really? I don’t know, thats a good question…someone with levels of degrees on their wall…ugh…why do I need to hear their pretentious gargle…I say YOU…is to say what is what really, but there are times you need an objective opinion…gosh, i’m confusing myself….sigh…
        There are mornings I have to say hey get up…there is something out there for you, then there are mornings I tell myself to shut up and stay in bed…but I despise myself when I tell myself to shut up and actually stay in bed…

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 29, 2013 at 6:02 pm

        Agreed, it’s very hard explaining myself on here, of course the bad is going to overpower the good because I’m going to write about the not so great stuff more than the other. That’s why I started this blog after all so I understand why some people may be wondering whether I have all my marbles or not (I don’t on the best of days btw lol) but I’m the one living it, I’m the one experiencing it and I’m the one who says enough is enough.

        I’ve felt like crawling back into bed a few times but so far I’ve managed to get out of it in the first place so that’s a start lol. This weekend I did give in, I just couldn’t take any more information (or migraines) and got to the point where I needed to sleep just to give my mind a break from over thinking or analysing. I crawled back into bed, had a half hour nap and felt much better for it. I think some days it’s acceptable 😉 and yes if that was happening every day then it’s gone too far and it’s time to move on
        xB

         
      • Mocha

        April 29, 2013 at 6:22 pm

        you’re perfectly normal…maybe..you’re human right…

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        April 29, 2013 at 6:27 pm

        Part goldfish but otherwise…

         
  5. diseases that cause itchy skin

    May 7, 2013 at 11:45 am

    Hello to all, how is all, I think every one is getting more from this
    site, and your views are nice in support of new people.

     
  6. splenectomy

    May 9, 2013 at 5:24 am

    Love your honesty..thanks for sharing your experience and feelings about this subject. I wish you the best!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 9, 2013 at 10:51 am

      Thank you – and thank you for reading. I dont see the point in being dishonest and considering my current marital situation i feel even stronger about telling it how it is 😉 xB

       

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