I gave my ex a hard-on the other day… Not intentionally but we bumped into each other, made small-talk and simply hugged goodbye. I had been dressed in some really unattractive clothes, no makeup, unwashed hair… Come on I was having a bad day! Lol anyway once we had parted ways he text to say I looked nice and then not so subtly hinted at the effect i had had on him…Of course I brushed it off and told him to stop being so cheeky but in all honestly it felt nice! It was good to know I’ve still got it lol.
My husband and I went on a date last week (It was a really lovely night and to be honest I cant remember why I didnt blog about it) I wore a slinky new black number for the occasion. He told me I looked beautiful – he says it even when I’m looking like shit to be fair but I’m very aware of the fact he never says I’m sexy. He never has and at first it was charming and romantic and sweet…maybe its just not in his vocabulary and I know I know being told I’m beautiful is great and all… But sometimes it would be nice to feel lusted after by my own husband. Now I’m wondering whether the only thing in his mind which he would describe as sexy are the fantasies he’s too ashamed to share with me.
Last week once all was calmer I got brave…I text my husband while he was at work. I guess you could say the text was a bit naughty and without going into detail it listed a few things newlyweds should be doing -and would be doing once he got home.
After pressing send the anxiety set in…. I realised he would probably rather chop his knob off than come home to that and on top of that the chances are his mind wouldn’t be on us anyway The closer it came to home-time the more my insecurities battered me; its the equivalent of looking forward to a romantic, candlelit love making session… (maybe not THAT cheesy but just humour me) and your husband turns up with an unwashed 70yr old hooker expecting a threesome… It’s just not going to happen (for me anyway). Feeling physically sick I text him again:
‘That’s what I would say if I thought even for a second that it would make you want to come home.
Its what i would say if i had any self esteem left at all…
Its what i would say if i were married to someone who respected me (as far as sex etc) at all, to someone who appreciated what he had, to someone who could be completely honest with me every day…
But that’s not the case- and chances are you didn’t bother reading it anyway so it looks like its saved you a job.
Dinner is on the side, please put the rest in the fridge when you’re done.
Laptop is in the living room.
I’m going to bed’
I thought fuck it, the cons of going through with it massively outweigh the pros right now – plus my migraine was on its way so I drugged myself up and went to bed.
It’s just horrible. I just want plain, boring, normal sex! (not saying all he wants is me in skimpy outfits etc lol) but I’m fed up of trying to coax him into bed, especially as once we get there all the issues that led to this are magnified. The sad thing is that most of the “requests” in the text were really simple things, my fantasies don’t involve strangers seducing me on balconies or handcuffing me to the railings… Mine involve my husband coming home and actually WANTING to sleep with me, with him taking control and taking charge, him being satisfied… Thats what I fantasize about…Fact. How sad!
I remember the days I had simple sex, quick sex, yeah no happy ending (for me) sex but regular and it was fun (while it lasted lol) plus at least HE was happy at the end of it and that in itself used to make me feel great. Yes it was frustrating for me sometimes but I still enjoyed it, we both enjoyed it… And yet here I am, with the only man in the world who has ever satisfied me fully… And he doesn’t enjoy it…because he doesnt feel it and that in itself is sad So add all those factors in and you have 2 people who don’t enjoy sex anymore… Yeah I’m glad I retracted that text.
Half asleep (and drowsy from meds) I heard him come home and head straight for the living room, my heart sank… He’s actually going to do it 😦 But then the footsteps came and I felt him stroke my forehead and ask if I was feeling poorly. I told him about my head and that I was just feeling rubbish about everything. He gave me cuddles and kisses but said nothing about the text(s)
Once he had gone again I felt a mixture of emotions, why hadn’t he said anything else? What was he thinking? Was he pleased?? As I drifted off I heard it….
*beep beep beep beep*
Shit! His phone! The battery had died, he’s just charged it…and NOW he’s reading the message…THAT’S why he didn’t say anything.
I felt him sliding into bed beside me, cuddling up, kissing me and squeezing me so tight. He told me he had read the messages, that he didn’t want me to feel that way …but he didn’t blame me (wasn’t surprised) that I did. He said he hated that he had done this to my confidence and would figure out a way to prove me wrong and make me feel better.
Too tired – in more ways than one- to react or discuss it right then I nodded, promised myself I would tell him everything in person tomorrow- and drifted back to sleep
To be continued…
- Sextual Deviant (duttyldn.wordpress.com)
- Learning to Ask: The Transformation Is Not Complete (forgivenwife.wordpress.com)
- Sexting For Wusses: A How-To Guide (thoughtcatalog.com)
- The lost and found libido (smallflutters.wordpress.com)
- Why do married women give sex a bad name? (herrealitycheck.com)
- Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature. (mimsyandaliceonwonderland.wordpress.com)
- Touchstone (forgivenwife.wordpress.com)
- How to stay happily (most of the time) married. (traditionalchristianity.wordpress.com)
- How much sex in marriage? [part ‘you’] (brettfish.wordpress.com)
- Enjoying The Act of Marriage (joleneengle.com)