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Textual Feeling

01 May
XXXtreme Bulge

XXXtreme Bulge (Photo credit: War Crimes)

I gave my ex a hard-on the other day… Not intentionally but we bumped into each other, made small-talk and simply hugged goodbye. I had been dressed in some really unattractive clothes, no makeup, unwashed hair… Come on I was having a bad day! Lol anyway once we had parted ways he text to say I looked nice and then not so subtly hinted at the effect i had had on him…Of course I brushed it off and told him to stop being so cheeky but in all honestly it felt nice! It was good to know I’ve still got it lol.

My husband and I went on a date last week (It was a really lovely night and to be honest I cant remember why I didnt blog about it) I wore a slinky new black number for the occasion. He told me I looked beautiful – he says it even when I’m looking like shit to be fair but I’m very aware of the fact he never says I’m sexy. He never has and at first it was charming and romantic and sweet…maybe its just not in his vocabulary and I know I know being told I’m beautiful is great and all… But sometimes it would be nice to feel lusted after by my own husband. Now I’m wondering whether the only thing in his mind which he would describe as sexy are the fantasies he’s too ashamed to share with me.

Last week once all was calmer I got brave…I text my husband while he was at work. I guess you could say the text was a bit naughty and without going into detail it listed a few things newlyweds should be doing -and would be doing once he got home.

After pressing send the anxiety set in…. I realised he would probably rather chop his knob off than come home to that and on top of that the chances are his mind wouldn’t be on us anyway :/ The closer it came to home-time the more my insecurities battered me; its the equivalent of looking forward to a romantic, candlelit love making session… (maybe not THAT cheesy but just humour me) and your husband turns up with an unwashed 70yr old hooker expecting a threesome… It’s just not going to happen (for me anyway). Feeling physically sick I text him again:

‘That’s what I would say if I thought even for a second that it would make you want to come home.
Its what i would say if i had any self esteem left at all…
Its what i would say if i were married to someone who respected me (as far as sex etc) at all, to someone who appreciated what he had, to someone who could be completely honest with me every day…
But that’s not the case- and chances are you didn’t bother reading it anyway so it looks like its saved you a job.
Dinner is on the side, please put the rest in the fridge when you’re done.
Laptop is in the living room.
I’m going to bed’

I thought fuck it, the cons of going through with it massively outweigh the pros right now – plus my migraine was on its way so I drugged myself up and went to bed.

English: A man handcuffed to the handle of a l...

English: A man handcuffed to the handle of a loudspeaker. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s just horrible. I just want plain, boring, normal sex! (not saying all he wants is me in skimpy outfits etc lol) but I’m fed up of trying to coax him into bed, especially as once we get there all the issues that led to this are magnified. The sad thing is that most of the “requests” in the text were really simple things, my fantasies don’t involve strangers seducing me on balconies or handcuffing me to the railings… Mine involve my husband coming home and actually WANTING to sleep with me, with him taking control and taking charge, him being satisfied… Thats what I fantasize about…Fact. How sad!

I remember the days I had simple sex, quick sex, yeah no happy ending (for me) sex but regular and it was fun (while it lasted lol) plus at least HE was happy at the end of it and that in itself used to make me feel great. Yes it was frustrating for me sometimes but I still enjoyed it, we both enjoyed it… And yet here I am, with the only man in the world who has ever satisfied me fully… And he doesn’t enjoy it…because he doesnt feel it and that in itself is sad :/ So add all those factors in and you have 2 people who don’t enjoy sex anymore… Yeah I’m glad I retracted that text.

Half asleep (and drowsy from meds) I heard him come home and head straight for the living room, my heart sank… He’s actually going to do it 😦 But then the footsteps came and I felt him stroke my forehead and ask if I was feeling poorly. I told him about my head and that I was just feeling rubbish about everything. He gave me cuddles and kisses but said nothing about the text(s)

Once he had gone again I felt a mixture of emotions, why hadn’t he said anything else? What was he thinking? Was he pleased?? As I drifted off I heard it….

*beep beep beep beep*

Shit! His phone! The battery had died, he’s just charged it…and NOW he’s reading the message…THAT’S why he didn’t say anything.

I felt him sliding into bed beside me, cuddling up, kissing me and squeezing me so tight. He told me he had read the messages, that he didn’t want me to feel that way …but he didn’t blame me (wasn’t surprised) that I did. He said he hated that he had done this to my confidence and would figure out a way to prove me wrong and make me feel better.

Too tired – in more ways than one- to react or discuss it right then I nodded, promised myself I would tell him everything in person tomorrow- and drifted back to sleep

To be continued…

xBx

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18 responses to “Textual Feeling

  1. Fat Bottom Girl

    May 1, 2013 at 8:12 pm

    It sounds like you’re constantly overthinking everything you want to say to him, always trying to gauge his reaction. . . not being your authentic self. Don’t let this situation take away the essence of you. 🙂

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 1, 2013 at 8:16 pm

      Thank you, Im trying 😉 In the days that followed I definitely got it all out of my system…i grew a pair and said exactly what i thought/felt …and it felt gooood 🙂 posts to come 😉

       
  2. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 1, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    I’m really feeling for you, your pain radiates in this post. I wish I knew what to say. Sending support your way xo

     
  3. beetleypete

    May 1, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    FBG has a good handle on it. Just be yourself, stick to your wishes, and go with your gut. Don’t worry about his reaction to texts, or what he is thinking. It’s like a house fire. Your marriage is on fire, and you don’t have time to choose which bits of it you are going to save, you just have to make sure you are out of the flames.
    I hope that the fire analogy does not sound too negative. It isn’t meant to. I am trusting that you will get what I mean, you always do.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 1, 2013 at 10:40 pm

      Thanks Pete, of course I get what you mean – always do 😉 Its a very good analogy xB

       
  4. brettfish

    May 1, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    hi there – thankx for the link on your blog – i came to check yours out and your tagline jumped out at me “learning to live without love” – that made me very sad. please reconsider. No-one should live without love ever. i understand it’s a lot more complex than that and reading this post i imagine your marriage has a lot to do with that. i don’t know where you stand in terms of faith or belief but i believe there is a God who is passionately in love with you and i imagine there have to be some people in your life – family or friends maybe – who love you and care deeply for you – labels we give always tend to stick to us and contain some modicum of truth so i wanted to encourage you to retrain your mind and be hungry for an experience of the love of God [if you have never had that] or seeking people in your life who will give you love because you are unique and you deserve it and NOBODY should ever have to get used to learning to live without love…. that is all.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 1, 2013 at 10:47 pm

      Thank you very much for your comment. My tagline is aimed at my marriage – or lack of love in my marriage- as at the time of starting my blog that is what i was writing about.
      I realise that I AM loved by others, I do have love in my life but I can see why the tagline could be misleading so apologies for that.
      Thankfully there has been progress (babysteps) as far as the love/marriage relationship goes so hopefully soon I will be able to update that tagline to something a little more positive.
      Thank you for stopping by
      xBeth

       
  5. Charles Yallowitz

    May 1, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Sorry you ended up feeling that way, but I do agree with the first comment that things become worse if you overthink them. You create more stress and negativity that isn’t really there. I’m looking forward to hearing what else happened, especially since you say you spoke your mind. Fingers crossed that things are moving in the right direction.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 1, 2013 at 10:43 pm

      Agreed (and Thank You) My counsellor had told me earlier in the week that i needed to stop thinking about it too much and letting it take over my life…but like my monkeys post last week…you tell someone to stop thinking about something and thats ALL they can think about lol. It took a few days of trying not to -resulting in a few well needed outbursts (coming up)- for me to realise this really does need to take a back seat now. It gets worse before it gets better (again) lol Thank you xB

       
      • Charles Yallowitz

        May 1, 2013 at 10:46 pm

        It’s that reverse psychology thing, I guess. At least you’re saying it gets better. 🙂

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 1, 2013 at 10:48 pm

        well it gets worse and THEN better than the worse…so thats still better than the worse…dont you agree? ha ha

         
      • Charles Yallowitz

        May 1, 2013 at 10:58 pm

        That it is. lol

         
  6. Kira

    May 1, 2013 at 11:03 pm

    I tend to over think things to B! I think what I will say, then I think what he will say, then i think how I will react…etc. It is all about being yourself…and I gather from one of your responses that you did do that. So, I will look forward to your future posts in regards to this. I do have to say that it was encouraging to read that he didn’t want you to feel the way you felt or blame yourself!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 1, 2013 at 11:43 pm

      Definitely encouraging… Positive at least. Thank you x

       
  7. greenembers

    May 2, 2013 at 5:22 am

    Well I am a bit late to the party here but what the others say. I always tend to overthink things too. I think this ended on a good note… I hope the sequel continues that. Stay strong!

     

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