‘I’m glad you stayed’
Those questions from THOSE arguments (here) and (here) kept niggling me…what is it that he thinks about while with me? What could be so bad (according to him) that he wouldn’t tell me? What IS his secret?
I sat down with him, nervous and told him there was something I needed to ask him…one question -possibly 2 depending on his answer.He asked if- seeing as it was obviously going to be something he doesn’t want to talk about – it could be a yes or no answer. I said no…but it could be multiple choice. So I asked…
Is this ‘thing’…this bad thing…is it something you have done? Something someone did to you? Or something you witnessed happening?…He said none of the above.
I tried to question more but he answered with overly vague replies, so, with my mind blown I shut down. I could not take any more cryptic clues, I couldn’t pretend I was ok with not knowing anymore and I couldn’t continue to try and piece together the puzzle. With that I told him I was going to bed.
He asked why…because I wont tell you something that I’m not ready to talk about?
I shouldn’t have…but I exploded…
‘NO because I physically, mentally and emotionally can not take anymore, I do not have the energy to try to work this out, to try to understand something I’m clearly not going to know. I can not wonder anymore, I have no way of preparing myself for yet another bombshell which I KNOW is coming and its literally driving me crazy. I’m sorry, I understand that its hard for you but I DO need to know this ‘thing’ at some point, I’m not demanding to know right now but I DO need to know eventually…otherwise I cant stay with you.
I’m sorry but I just cant, I mean what is it that you think will happen if you tell? Do you think I will leave you? (maybe) do you think you’ll go to prison? (no) (phew) do you think you’ll be sectioned?? (possibly)
The chances are you WONT be sectioned IF you get help, IF you start talking to your therapist…HONESTLY….
You have all these people who love you, who want to help you and you wont let them do that. You need to help YOURSELF or this ‘thing’ will take over your life even more than it already has, you WILL be alone because you will push everyone away who gives a shit and you will let this thing WIN! Do NOT let it win!! Fucking fight it!
By this point -as you can probably tell by the capitals I was shouting…and god it felt good…but then he spoke…
He said he understood that I would need to know, that I SHOULD know but that he has never had anyone to talk to about this stuff before and he is learning to talk about it with the help of his therapist. She is helping him open up one step at a time, it would take time but he wants to get to the point where he can overcome whatever ’it’ is, where he can understand himself and where he can be open with me….
For him that is a really good response. Usually he would have just walked away and given me space to calm down but he actually stuck up for himself, listened to me and responded in a way which showed that he realised the positives of going to therapy. He ‘gets’ that its necessary, he understands the point of it and he’s obviously taken in what she’s been saying in session. However, still in explosive mode I shot back ‘GOOD! It will be nice when you realise you CAN talk to me…your WIFE…the one you TRICKED INTO MARRYING YOU!!’
Even HE -the one who feels nothing- looked hurt With that I went out for a breather and let it all sink in.
Shit…Well done Beth! Talk about risking undoing everything by not thinking before you shout!
I went back in. I apologised for saying the harsh stuff, explained that I could have worded it much better BUT its frustrating as fuck and I just want to help him. We cuddled up and of course considering the effect his cuddles usually have on me (see previous post here) I softened and allowed the tears of frustration to flow while he stroked my hair (wanker)
I told him that whatever IT was….it wouldn’t make me love him any less, it doesn’t necessarily mean ill stay regardless but whatever it was has happened, it cant be changed, but it doesn’t have to rule his life anymore.
He squeezed me and said ‘I’m glad you stayed, I’m glad you didn’t go to bed and I’m glad you told me that’ I was glad too…
- My Own Worst Enemy (blackboxwarnings.wordpress.com)
- Unexplained fear of therapy (manyofus1980.com)
- Why I’m glad we waited to get married (pineandpoppy.wordpress.com)
- Why We Shout In Anger (4allreligion.wordpress.com)
- There’s no such thing as “Happily Ever After” (rachsrubyslippers.wordpress.com)