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#9 I’m glad you stayed

02 May

‘I’m glad you stayed’

Question Mark Graffiti

Question Mark Graffiti (Photo credit: Bilal Kamoon)

Those questions from THOSE arguments (here) and (here) kept niggling me…what is it that he thinks about while with me? What could be so bad  (according to him) that he wouldn’t tell me? What IS his secret?

I sat down with him, nervous and told him there was something I needed to ask him…one question -possibly 2 depending on his answer.He asked if- seeing as it was obviously going to be something he doesn’t want to talk about – it could be a yes or no answer. I said no…but it could be multiple choice. So I asked…

Is this ‘thing’…this bad thing…is it something you have done? Something someone did to you? Or something you witnessed happening?…He said none of the above.

I tried to question more but he answered with overly vague replies, so, with my mind blown I shut down. I could not take any more cryptic clues, I couldn’t pretend I was ok with not knowing anymore and I couldn’t continue to try and piece together the puzzle. With that I told him I was going to bed.

He asked why…because I wont tell you something that I’m not ready to talk about?

I shouldn’t have…but I exploded…
‘NO because I physically, mentally and emotionally can not take anymore, I do not have the energy to try to work this out, to try to understand something I’m clearly not going to know. I can not wonder anymore, I have no way of preparing myself for yet another bombshell which I KNOW is coming and its literally driving me crazy. I’m sorry, I understand that its hard for you but I DO need to know this ‘thing’ at some point, I’m not demanding to know right now but I DO need to know eventually…otherwise I cant stay with you.
I’m sorry but I just cant, I mean what is it that you think will happen if you tell? Do you think I will leave you? (maybe) do you think you’ll go to prison? (no) (phew) do you think you’ll be sectioned?? (possibly)
The chances are you WONT be sectioned IF you get help, IF you start talking to your therapist…HONESTLY….
You have all these people who love you, who want to help you and you wont let them do that. You need to help YOURSELF or this ‘thing’ will take over your life even more than it already has, you WILL be alone because you will push everyone away who gives a shit and you will let this thing WIN! Do NOT let it win!! Fucking fight it!

shout

shout (Photo credit: Krista Baltroka)

By this point -as you can probably tell by the capitals I was shouting…and god it felt good…but then he spoke…

He said he understood that I would need to know, that I SHOULD know but that he has never had anyone to talk to about this stuff before and he is learning to talk about it with the help of his therapist. She is helping him open up one step at a time, it would take time but he wants to get to the point where he can overcome whatever ’it’ is, where he can understand himself and where he can be open with me….

For him that is a really good response. Usually he would have just walked away and given me space to calm down but he actually stuck up for himself, listened to me and responded in a way which showed that he realised the positives of going to therapy. He ‘gets’ that its necessary, he understands the point of it and he’s obviously taken in what she’s been saying in session. However, still in explosive mode I shot back ‘GOOD! It will be nice when you realise you CAN talk to me…your WIFE…the one you TRICKED INTO MARRYING YOU!!’

*ouch*

Even HE -the one who feels nothing- looked hurt :/ With that I went out for a breather and let it all sink in.
Shit…Well done Beth! Talk about risking undoing everything by not thinking before you shout!

I went back in. I apologised for saying the harsh stuff, explained that I could have worded it much better BUT its frustrating as fuck and I just want to help him. We cuddled up and of course considering the effect his cuddles usually have on me (see previous post here) I softened and allowed the tears of frustration to flow while he stroked my hair (wanker)

I told him that whatever IT was….it wouldn’t make me love him any less, it doesn’t necessarily mean ill stay regardless but whatever it was has happened, it cant be changed, but it doesn’t have to rule his life anymore.

He squeezed me and said ‘I’m glad you stayed, I’m glad you didn’t go to bed and I’m glad you told me that’ I was glad too…

xBx

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16 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Honestly...

 

Tags: , , ,

16 responses to “#9 I’m glad you stayed

  1. hastywords

    May 2, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    Emotional…been there…felt it!

     
  2. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 2, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    Good for you!! That must have felt so empowering!! You’re keeping view of your needs and feelings through this!! You must be so tired though. Sending hugs your way xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 4, 2013 at 12:56 pm

      Very tired :/ It really is an emotional rollercoaster, some days its fine and others it just takes over and both are as good or bad as each other. Its either really good or really bad so they conflict with themselves xB

       
  3. Charles Yallowitz

    May 2, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    Sometimes you just need to explode. It helps clear that air at times and can get results that you didn’t see coming. I’ll openly admit that I’ve had similar incidents with my wife, but with me being the yeller.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 4, 2013 at 12:57 pm

      Yell away Charles, it definitely feels good (within reason of course) xB

       
      • Charles Yallowitz

        May 4, 2013 at 3:24 pm

        Reason is always the hard part of the yelling. I go full Yosemite Sam (Looney Tunes character) with the yelling and jumping in place.

         
  4. beetleypete

    May 2, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    Something you did, something did to you, something you witnessed? Answer; none of those? Call me old fashioned (and some do, frequently) but I reckon you had all options covered, save Alien abduction. (Actually no, that is something done to you, so also covered). I am not even in this relationship, and I am getting angry! You must have the patience of a saint B. As ever, Pete. X

     
    • hiddinsight

      May 2, 2013 at 7:11 pm

      I agree with Pete. He just wasn’t ready. I’m glad you were able to feel like you made some progress, even though there wasn’t any. Maybe you just needed to get it out.

       
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 4, 2013 at 1:01 pm

      Confusing to say the least xB

       
  5. Mocha

    May 2, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    Right on…Charles is right…sometimes you just have to explode…let it out…

     
  6. WyndyDee

    May 2, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Been there….but I am so proud of you girl! Sometimes, it takes those moments to appreciate the person staying, and willing to get through it.

     

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