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Somebody that I used to know

03 May
Make love

Make love (Photo credit: chloeloe)

The night after he surprised me by getting a little frisky (with me)… Skipping all details for your sake he did everything I had suggested in THAT text from the night before (see here for that post) without making it seem like a chore. To be fair he never does that purposely, he always makes an effort but this time he was so affectionate with it…that it was rather believable.

Caught up in the moment it was amazing to forgot everything for a while and just enjoy it… But then came his turn. I saw him glance around for the blindfold and my gut twisted but then I saw him almost shake it off (the habit) with a look of determination. He closed his eyes a few times – as we all do- and as his face changed in an attempt to bring himself back to reality I realised at that moment that these thoughts probably aren’t about busty blondes or naughty nurses, they’re something totally different, something that haunts him… Possibly from his childhood.

Much Later (and out of the bedroom) I told him to stand still while I stood behind him facing away – back to back.

*Deep breath* (his answers are in italics) I asked:
Why won’t you tell me what you think about when we are intimate? – Because it’s not nice.
The fact that you’re thinking about something else isn’t nice? or the thing you think about isn’t nice? – The thing I think about
Is it linked to the “thing” you aren’t ready to talk about? – Yes… I don’t want to talk about this anymore
Ok…Do you cover your eyes in order to shut me out completely because using me as a visual doesn’t do it for you? (laughs in shock) No!
So I do do it for you? – Yes!
And you want to be with me? Yes!
Scale of 1 to 10… 10!  (needy I know)

English: thinking

English: thinking (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sensing that these questions could go on forever he stopped me and said…
Baby… You are attractive to me, you DO do it for me and of course I want to be with you. I try and stay focused on you, its you that gets me in the mood in the first place and when I’m WITH you I’m thinking about you and focusing on your enjoyment… BUT when it’s my turn as much as I try… these other thoughts pop into my head and take over… Even when we aren’t being intimate, daily, they just get in there. I don’t want them to, but they do.I will tell you what it is… But I need to understand it myself first. The way I see it is I go to therapy… I tell her… She gives me her analysis or whatever and I then tell you… Can you please just let me do it that way? What is it that’s bothering you the most? Is it that you want to understand it or that you just want to KNOW it?

Again, his response surprised me in a good way and again I told him that by telling anyone nothing bad would happen, that it’s a good step and that it’s necessary. I said what’s bothering me is that I am totally unprepared, I have no clue…
‘Imagine I told you I had done something terrible… What would be your first thought?’
‘Murder?’
‘Exactly… ‘
‘Baby I haven’t killed anyone!’
‘Exactly! But you still thought it, you imagined something much worse than what I was thinking so by you telling me it’s something bad sends my mind wandering….It just scares me a little that I don’t know you :/’

He asked if he should leave and I said no.

He asked why and I said because I love you!
…But you don’t know me – Because you won’t let me in!
...Because I don’t want you to know me – Then why did you marry me?
...Because I want you to know the person I want to be… But I now realise i need to figure out who I actually am before I can get there… I will let you in… I will help you understand when I understand it myself.

I told him that whenever he was ready I would here to listen and I would try to understand it…but couldn’t promise anything. I reassured him that I wouldn’t be broadcasting it to my friends OR blogging about it and I mean that. Whatever this thing is.. This demon… It’s his, it’s not for me to tell the world the details of it (unless of course it turns out to be something hilarious like snails shagging) but somehow I don’t think that’s it. So for the record even when I know… I won’t be blogging the details. Sorry to disappoint but I dont think it would be right for me to do that …*sits back and waits for the unfollow spree to commence*

…there’s more to come

xBx

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27 responses to “Somebody that I used to know

  1. beetleypete

    May 3, 2013 at 10:37 am

    I hope that nobody is following this in anticipation of the ‘big reveal’, and I really doubt that B, as all your comments and regular followers suggest the opposite. I for one want YOU to be satisfied with the answer, and would never expect this long-running tale to be ended anyway, with a disclosure of the problem, or not. Either way, it will be the start of another long journey for you, one of rebuilding, or renewing. Whatever happens, I will certainly be around, and not just for the answer to the puzzle. As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 3, 2013 at 10:54 am

      Thank you SO much Pete, to be fair if you didnt stick around I would hunt you down and pester you so its probably for the best/easier that you just stay put 😉 BTW I havent been able to get on the laptop that much so Ive been reading your posts via your twitter links but have been too lazy to long in on my phone to like or comment lol so I am here for you too and am heading over your way to show you some love xB

       
  2. writingthebody

    May 3, 2013 at 11:05 am

    You really stood back to back…or more 45 degrees, like a Fassbinder movie? That is amazing….who devised that for a way of hiding and revealing at once?

    Well I have to hand it to you for this journey as Beetley put it above….you are a brave soul. *hug* And yes, we are here.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 3, 2013 at 11:24 am

      Yup actually back to back, arms linked and everything lol. It sounds silly I know but needs must and all that.
      I figured he doesnt like telling me things face to face -and believe it or not i can get shy especially when it comes to talking about sex these days (never used to be a problem for me but i guess its harder when you need to hear things youll probably react to no matter how hard you try) so its easier to face apart but be together (all about touch, reassurance and bonding) and get it all out…for both of us.
      Maybe my A level health and social care actually sank in lol

      Thank you for the hugs etc 🙂 xB

       
  3. writingthebody

    May 3, 2013 at 11:30 am

    I will try to find a Fassbinder clip….and hope that the great director’s crazed soul from beyond the grave can inspire you!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 3, 2013 at 11:36 am

      Ha ha please do 🙂

       
      • writingthebody

        May 3, 2013 at 11:47 am

        done…there is a line in there somewhere apparently where Petra says “Only pity what you cannot understand” – it made me think of you, even though it was another film I had in mind when I wrote the earlier comment. I have put your address in – a few might drop in on you. I really admire your bravery.

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 3, 2013 at 1:27 pm

        Thank you – Put my address in?

         
      • writingthebody

        May 3, 2013 at 10:22 pm

        I mean your wordpress site, not your house! 🙂

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 3, 2013 at 10:41 pm

        Ha ha I know that I just don’t know where you put it etc

         
      • writingthebody

        May 3, 2013 at 10:50 pm

        O it is inside my post called “Petra”….sorry….I love that line that someone on youtube translated as “Only pity what you do not understand” – it had to be that one, just for you!

         
  4. Mocha

    May 3, 2013 at 11:52 am

    hmmm…sounds like progress to me….

     
  5. Charles Yallowitz

    May 3, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    That’s an interesting way to get answers. As for the big reveal, the only important part is that you’re happy. The details are your own.

     
  6. John W. Howell

    May 3, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    I have nominated you for the Super Sweet Blogger Award. To be clear the award is because I like your writing and you do not need to follow the rules. Go here for details http://wp.me/p2Qoij-r4

     
  7. Samantha

    May 3, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    I think that is the right thing to do not to blog about it when you do find out. It’s between the two of you, and he obviously will put a ton of trust in you to tell you in the first place, which it sounds like is going to be hard for him, unfortunately. But him telling you eventually I think will help things a lot, and it would be a step backwards to tell others about it. You’re making the right decision here. 🙂

    I’m glad to hear things are going well right now. 🙂

     
  8. Doggy's Style

    May 3, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    [ Irony mode on] What???!!!!
    You mean I’m been reading all this time and will never know how it ends?
    Like turning off the TV in the last 10 minutes of the movie?! [ Irony mode off]

    I salute your decision to not share details of his problem, you are doing much more than I would ever even dare to imagine doing, for real, I couldn’t write 25% of what you have. That being said, I’ve shared a bit about some of my own bagage, I relate to your husband in a way.
    I see his attitude as progress, based on my own experience, saying “I’m hiding something” is hard, really hard and even harder to explain why, even when it’s a silly thing.
    It’s matter of feeling vulnerable and always keeping the guard up, at least in my case, the less people know about what’s goes on up in your head the better.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 4, 2013 at 1:13 pm

      Ha ha where can I get me an irony mode switch? 😉
      Thank you, I think it IS hard for him (frustrating for me) but Ive been in situations where telling my inner thoughts has been difficult – and thats without carrying them with me for my enite life
      xB

       
  9. beetleypete

    May 3, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    I forgot to mention, I am a great Fassbinder fan.

    Fear eats the soul. This 1974 film, directed by Rainer Fassbinder, tackles not one, but two taboo subjects. The love of an older woman, for a much younger man, and the inter-racial aspect that he is an Arab. The reaction of the family is much as you might expect, and the whole storyline is set against a background of increased immigration into Germany at that time. What makes the film stand out for me, is the central performance of the lead actress, Brigitte Mira. This dowdy, middle-aged lady delivers a magnificent performance, as the woman who is prepared to give up everything for the chance of happiness.

    The marriage of Maria Braun. Another Fassbinder film, this time from 1979. Set during the last days of World War Two, Maria has been waiting in vain for the return of her husband, who she was only with for one night, before he left to go to the war. She believes him to be missing, or dead, and tries her best to survive, with the terrible shortages, and the eventual arrival of the American occupation forces. Again notable for the lead actress, the incredibly sexy and captivating Hanna Schygulla, at the peak of her career.

    Sorry, two appreciations from this post;

    http://beetleypete.wordpress.com/2013/01/11/some-german-films/

    Still plugging the blog! As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 4, 2013 at 1:16 pm

      Plug away Pete lol – Never heard of fassbinder, thanks for explaining more about it xB

       
  10. beetleypete

    May 3, 2013 at 9:15 pm

    I think that ‘writingthebody’ is referring to ‘The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant’, a 1972 film from Fassbinder, notable for a fantastic performance from Hanna Schygulla, one of my favourites! (Once a film reviewer, always,,,) As ever, Pete. X

     
  11. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 4, 2013 at 2:48 am

    You’re one amazing lady. 🙂

     

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