He was called into work over the weekend meaning his therapy was postponed for another week. For me that was the straw than broke the camels back…Finally everything… All the conversations, revelations and questions took their toll on me and I crumpled. My migraine was still beating me so I gave in and crawled back into bed.
Through all of this I have managed to drag my arse out of bed every morning despite loving the idea of staying there and letting everything else carry on around me. I have managed for almost 2 months to get up and dressed…to stay up and dressed and to not sneak back in. I’ve managed to resist making an appointment to be put into an induced coma until something gets sorted despite the huge appeal that has… And so far I had been proud of myself…But this day I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I crawled back in and sobbed…Hard! He came in and cuddled me and for what seemed like the umpteenth time that week I let it all out…
‘I am not ok, I know I’m meant to be strong for you because shit like this doesn’t help and you’re just as lost and confused (if not more so) than I am but I can’t be strong all the time. I can’t pretend I’m ok with what’s happened. I’m trying to deal with everything, trying to come to terms with it all and at the same time be here for you and support you and focus on moving forward and progression… All at the same time! And I just can’t! I need to be able to get angry about it or to cry about it, I need to be able to say what I’m thinking or what I’m feeling…I need to be able to grieve and I need you to help me and be there for me just as much as you need me.
I need to be able to talk to you and I don’t feel like I can in case I undo anything…I cant tell you things and you can’t tell me things either and that’s not right… I get it, I get that it’s not easy but we are meant to be best friends! I’m struggling, I’m hurt, I’m hopeful…and I’m so proud of you for getting help, I really am and I know it’s not all about me but it involves me…this is my life too!… and I need to deal with it somehow.
For my husband to be thinking of something else while with me… Every single time…It’s not ok…. The idea of you going and doing whatever in a separate room to me is bad enough but the thought of you lying next to me and thinking of anything but us is horrible. I get that we all have fantasies and shit but this is miles above that, it isn’t normal..it isn’t ok and I don’t know what we can do or how we can make it better. I hate the worry of leaving you alone with that fucking laptop every single day, I hate the paranoia I have every time you’re taking a shower or even out in your fucking car! And I’m sorry for being the bad kind of crazy right now but I’m literally going insane. I can’t cope and I can’t stand it! It’s not my fault but I’m still here, I can’t fix anything and I can’t help you unless you help yourself.’
He lay there looking shocked and sad (and probably a bit grossed out my the mascara and snot mixture that was in front of him) and I could almost see the cogs whirring. He said he doesn’t know the answer, he doesn’t know how or what is going to help but he knows he wants to change and he wants these thoughts to go away. He said I CAN talk to him, I CAN look to him for comfort and support and that he wants me to. He said that he is trying to work all of this out, he’s trying to understand everything but its going to take time and its not going to be easy for either of us…but that he loves me and wants to make me happy…and to be happy himself too.
He hugged me, stroked my hair and kissed my forehead while I sobbed. I must say it was another massive relief to say it all out loud and to hear him respond in such a positive, focused way when just a few months ago he would have denied it or just ‘given me space’ and then swept it under the carpet.
Once I stopped crying I sat up and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror…makeup wiped off, eyes puffy…just a mess! And it was then that I thought NO! Get the fuck up Beth! Do not do this to yourself, don’t let it consume you, don’t let it kill you! You are stronger than this, you don’t DO giving up; you’ve come this far and yes its still hard but progress IS being made. He’s accepting things, he’s acknowledging things, listening, understanding, trying…. And that’s good…but you NEED to let go a little, you need to stop trying to fix what you cant fix and you need to look after yourself! You need to get the fuck up, sort your fucking face out and focus on YOU and on ANYTHING other than this every single minute of every single day!
So I did just that, I took a bubble bath, I did my makeup for the first time that weekend and I vowed to start the new week with a better outlook