The straw that broke the camels back

04 May
The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

The Straw That Broke the Camel’s Back (Photo credit: mikecogh)

He was called into work over the weekend meaning his therapy was postponed for another week. For me that was the straw than broke the camels back…Finally everything… All the conversations, revelations and questions took their toll on me and I crumpled. My migraine was still beating me so I gave in and crawled back into bed.

Through all of this I have managed to drag my arse out of bed every morning despite loving the idea of staying there and letting everything else carry on around me. I have managed for almost 2 months to get up and dressed…to stay up and dressed and to not sneak back in. I’ve managed to resist making an appointment to be put into an induced coma until something gets sorted despite the huge appeal that has… And so far I had been proud of myself…But this day I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I crawled back in and sobbed…Hard! He came in and cuddled me and for what seemed like the umpteenth time that week I let it all out…

‘I am not ok, I know I’m meant to be strong for you because shit like this doesn’t help and you’re just as lost and confused (if not more so) than I am but I can’t be strong all the time. I can’t pretend I’m ok with what’s happened. I’m trying to deal with everything, trying to come to terms with it all and at the same time be here for you and support you and focus on moving forward and progression… All at the same time! And I just can’t! I need to be able to get angry about it or to cry about it, I need to be able to say what I’m thinking or what I’m feeling…I need to be able to grieve and I need you to help me and be there for me just as much as you need me.

I need to be able to talk to you and I don’t feel like I can in case I undo anything…I cant tell you things and you can’t tell me things either and that’s not right… I get it, I get that it’s not easy but we are meant to be best friends!  I’m struggling, I’m hurt, I’m hopeful…and I’m so proud of you for getting help, I really am and I know it’s not all about me but it involves me…this is my life too!… and I need to deal with it somehow.

For my husband to be thinking of something else while with me… Every single time…It’s not ok…. The idea of you going and doing whatever in a separate room to me is bad enough but the thought of you lying next to me and thinking of anything but us is horrible. I get that we all have fantasies and shit but this is miles above that, it isn’t isn’t ok and I don’t know what we can do or how we can make it better. I hate the worry of leaving you alone with that fucking laptop every single day, I hate the paranoia I have every time you’re taking a shower or even out in your fucking car! And I’m sorry for being the bad kind of crazy right now but I’m literally going insane. I can’t cope and I can’t stand it! It’s not my fault but I’m still here, I can’t fix anything and I can’t help you unless you help yourself.’

*Aaaannnnd breathe*

English: Cogs getting it together Detail of th...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

He lay there looking shocked and sad (and probably a bit grossed out my the mascara and snot mixture that was in front of him) and I could almost see the cogs whirring. He said he doesn’t know the answer, he doesn’t know how or what is going to help but he knows he wants to change and he wants these thoughts to go away. He said I CAN talk to him, I CAN look to him for comfort and support and that he wants me to. He said that he is trying to work all of this out, he’s trying to understand everything but its going to take time and its not going to be easy for either of us…but that he loves me and wants to make me happy…and to be happy himself too.

He hugged me, stroked my hair and kissed my forehead while I sobbed. I must say it was another massive relief to say it all out loud and to hear him respond in such a positive, focused way when just a few months ago he would have denied it or just ‘given me space’ and then swept it under the carpet.

Once I stopped crying I sat up and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror…makeup wiped off, eyes puffy…just a mess! And it was then that I thought NO! Get the fuck up Beth! Do not do this to yourself, don’t let it consume you, don’t let it kill you! You are stronger than this, you don’t DO giving up; you’ve come this far and yes its still hard but progress IS being made. He’s accepting things, he’s acknowledging things, listening, understanding, trying…. And that’s good…but you NEED to let go a little, you need to stop trying to fix what you cant fix and you need to look after yourself! You need to get the fuck up, sort your fucking face out and focus on YOU and on ANYTHING other than this every single minute of every single day!

So I did just that, I took a bubble bath, I did my makeup for the first time that weekend and I vowed to start the new week with a better outlook




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16 responses to “The straw that broke the camels back

  1. beetleypete

    May 4, 2013 at 10:55 am

    I have to say that I think he DOES know what all this is about, and it is high time he told you, and stopped all this heartbreak.
    As ever, Pete. X

    • Comfortably Numb

      May 4, 2013 at 12:22 pm

      (Excuse any typos i took drowsy cold and flu stuff last night/early hours of this morning so im not with it yet lol)

      Thanks Pete, Im not so sure thought to be honest. yes its time he tells me BUT i also genuinely believe hes very very confused and scared and doesnt understand whats happening. Of course I could be wrong but this is a guy who has never googled any of this and doesnt realise that hes not the only person in the world who has these kinds of issues/thoughts whatever.

      Only last night I left out an article about DE (delayed ejaculation) for him to read and watched his faced changed while he read it. It was obvious he was relieved and surprised to find that that is the ‘3rd most common sexual woe’..though still unusual. it explained about possible reasons including psychological.

      Personally, if something like that had affected me for my entire life i would have googled it by now (and more) – but he never has.

      I (through googling/friends experience) have learnt that some people have sexual thoughts/intrusive thoughts/fantasies which are linked to their past abuse and thats all they can think about and/or get off to…they feel ashamed of it – which i would understand but i would also understand why it happens…

      I get the feeling this is what hes going to tell me but hes too afraid – especially if the abuse itself wasnt sexual. He thinks of himself as a monster and i genuinely believe it is -and will be- really hard for him to talk about.

      Hes at his therapist right now, gone with the intention of telling her and im so nervous for him lol so i suppose today is the day that i find out more

      • beetleypete

        May 4, 2013 at 3:27 pm

        I can only hope that it all eventually works out into something that you can manage to live with. I really can understand shutting something out, to the point that you no longer -want to- remember it. I just find it hard to accept that this has become an issue mainly since the wedding, and there was little indication before. Probably best not to push for an answer, as he will likely run rather than give it; and that is not something you want.
        As ever, Pete. X

    • Comfortably Numb

      May 5, 2013 at 12:04 pm

      I can’t figure out how to reply to your latest comment. I get what you’re saying Pete. It’s very hard to be on the outside and to have many different people give their thoughts when you don’t know what to think yourself.

      I’ve had many responses from people who have lived it telling me they can relate to him and understand how hard it is for him etc or agreeing that there is progress and he’s doing well.

      I think the thing is he has been this way his whole life and it’s really only because he’s involved anyone else (me) that he’s realised that a) it’s hard to live a lie 24/7 and b) he doesn’t WANT to live that lie anymore.
      He’s never told a soul about how he feels (or doesn’t) and I’m not the type to hear something and drop it, I demand answers, I question the simplest of things and him knowing that and then telling me was a big deal.

      He knew he would have to dig up some demons and he’s trying to figure out what they mean and how to tell them/fight them when he’s not used to talking about any inner thoughts let alone the biggies.

      He went to his therapist yesterday and I’ll post about it in the next day or 2 -but I agree (as does she) it’s best not to push – doesn’t mean I’m
      Not going to keep encouraging it though 😉
      Thanks as always xB

  2. greenembers

    May 4, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Stay strong.

  3. WyndyDee

    May 4, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    Can I say how proud of you I am, and him. I know what it’s like to bury the past because of the hurt and trauma of an alcoholic parent and the anger, hurt, low self esteem and lack of confidence and trust it causes. I know the pain and hurt and ugliness and dirtiness it causes to be molested by a family member as I dealt with it through my sister and other family members. I know how angry and unloved it is to feel when you feel unattractive to yourself and project it onto my spouse…it is a process. And I feel that there are deep buried thing eating away from the inside out. He is making progress, which isn’t easy to deal with at this late stage, some of the damage is done but that doesn’t mean he isn’t healing. It’s obvious you both are but it’s a process! Keep up the communication…baby steps… A setback is the setup for a comeback! One day at a time! Hugs and much love!

    • Comfortably Numb

      May 5, 2013 at 12:09 pm

      Thank you – even more so for relating it to your experience. It doesn’t feel like
      Progress all the time but I know deep down it is. It’s just hard to focus on the good all the time when it’s such small Amounts (progress I mean not all good stuff) in comparison to the whole picture.

      I do realise how hard it must be for him, it’s also very frustrating but yes… Baby steps. I’ve heard that so much this week I’m
      Considering tattooing it on my eyelids lol

      Thanks again xB

  4. beetleypete

    May 4, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    On a much lighter note, I keep forgetting to say it, but I really think your new picture looks like an album cover! XX

  5. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 4, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    I hate how this is killing you, it’s not right that he’s being so secretive when he know what it’s doing to you.
    I don’t care what it is, it’s torture. I share it with Hubby when he asks and wants to know, no matter what it is, I trust him, and I trust that he will handle whatever I tell him with care.


    • Comfortably Numb

      May 5, 2013 at 12:17 pm

      Its not right no but may I ask… Was there a point before hubby that you kept all of this to yourself? There must have been a point where you told someone about how you were feeling so how did you muster up the courage to tell them? (you can email me if you would prefer as I realise they’re rather personal questions (sorry) )

      What I mean is my husband hasn’t told anyone ever about any of this stuff so 2 months ago was the first time he had – is it really that easy to get all of your deepest darkests out at once? (genuine question)

      As always thank you for the comment xB

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        May 5, 2013 at 5:12 pm

        I did tell people. Not everything because I was often shut down by them or not believed. Hubby before we were married, knew more about me than anyone. He never judged, he believed me, he took care of me. He saw how “damaged” I was more than anyone ever had, including myself. We never dated before we got married, we were only ever friends.
        For me I wouldn’t say it was courage to tell, it was desperation (looking back) I was numb, so I could tell it without any pain. I didn’t connect my struggles with the abuse at the time.
        Hubby didn’t wrap couldn’t wrap his brain around the full extent of the abuse with my family until a few years into our marriage when he witnessed it himself on numerous occasions.
        I wouldn’t say it’s easy to get everything out but eventually necessary. Would your Husband be open to writing/typing it out even just for himself to see for now? It might be a start. He might even feel relieved.

    • Comfortably Numb

      May 8, 2013 at 1:46 pm

      Thank you hun (finally found the time to get replying to some comments) Its a very good idea- writing it down- especially knowing how therapeutic it is for many of us on here. I will ask him about his thoughts on that later tonight.
      Im glad you found the strength to be open with your husband, im sorry that you have been through such terrible things but i hope you know that you really are doing so well, youre strong and youre facing your demons – you should be proud of yourself! You are also inspiring, you give me hope that one day my husband will be able to express himself as well as you do xB

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        May 8, 2013 at 4:36 pm

        You’re very welcome and thank you for your kindness and support! xo


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