RSS

Ignorance is bliss

10 May
Ignorance is Bliss

Ignorance is Bliss (Photo credit: Chi sin Gweilo)

He called his family last night. It was a skype call so despite trying to give him his privacy there are only so many doors I can close in this house in an attempt to block out his deep voice talking loudly at a computer screen – or the high pitched voices coming back. I always get emotional hearing his mother, so happy to hear from him, missing him, worrying about him…and hearing his monotone voice replying and saying nothing overly caring in return. Its heartbreaking. But last night it was emotional for a different reason.

He usually avoids calling his sister, they don’t usually get on, however last night they had a chat and I heard them laughing and joking with each other and I have to say it stung a bit. Not because I heard the old him coming out…but because these 2 women are blissfully unaware of whom they are really talking to…and I miss that!

These women miss the shit out of him, they cant wait to have him home; they ask how married life is going and he says the same every time ‘yeah it’s a going’ (with a chuckle on the end) which in turn is met with concerned questions and replies of ‘aww I know its hard…it’s a big change…’ IF ONLY THEY KNEW!

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know the truth because then I could be as happy as they are…and at the same time knowing that it’s a lie…it just reminds me of the times that we would have skype calls and he would laugh with me like that…and all of it was fake. Its such a painful realisation, its confusing being jealous of something you know isn’t real.

I wish I could call them and ask what the fuck went on when he was younger but morally I know its wrong and it wouldn’t help anything, all it would do is make them wonder why and make him trust me even less. But still I wish I could, to ask, to know and to let them know that I am not the reason he’s sounding miserable or the reason that he doesn’t talk much…I am not the one who has changed him.

The same goes for his friends. NO ONE knows any of the stuff we are going through; only a handful of people I know know…and of course they don’t know EVERYTHING and never will but it annoys me to think that his friends, the ones who knew him before he knew me are probably sat around at every event he decides not to go to and blaming me for changing him. Talking to each other about how things were before he met me, or how miserable I’ve made him by stopping him seeing his friends (I didnt)…because of course when we DO see them he puts on his happy act and I feel sick again.

He acts around friends, around my family, around HIS family…but he’s himself around me and I know I know its good that he’s not acting to me anymore and that he trusts me enough to be himself and confess all of this to me…but I still come off looking worse…and I still get jealous. Who wants to see their husband happier than ever around other people? – even if it IS fake? It still hurts. Even knowing that its not real, its so convincing that you just feel like the boring one, like the one who’s draining him every other day…even more so when he’s managing to have a nice (hilariously funny) conversation with the sister whom he cant stand to talk to! Its not my place to tell any of these people anything about him but I still have to answer to his friends about where I’ve been hiding him and why we don’t go out…I still have to lie…to cover for him and its horrible.

Of course he’s never ASKED me to lie for him but its not like I can say…’actually we have both been in therapy because his past is fucked up and he’s dragged me into it and lived a lie his entire life…consequently hanging out with people and lying to their faces on a regular basis hasn’t been top of my list of things to do so…you know how it is…’ – god I’d LOVE to say that lol.

I just cant stand the thought of people ‘blaming’ me for this stuff, it doesn’t seem fair to have to just lay down and take it for the sake of my husbands confidence/embarrassment/shame… If we split up and his friends asked him what happened all he would say is that ‘it didn’t work out’ …but that’s missing a massive chunk of what IT is…but he would never tell them. Its MY name being dragged through the mud and I don’t like it.

Which got me thinking. IF anything ever happened to me (not saying I think he’s going to kill me or I’m planning to kill myself lol) BUT in the future…if you see on the news that a bunch of Americans living in Britain came and kidnapped little old Beth to save their friend…or that I got hit by a low flying jet or something…can someone PLEASE stick up for me? You know, hunt my husbands friends or family down …or just the newspaper…and send them the link to my first blog post on here? Just so they know what REALLY happened.

I suppose Pete would be the best one for the job really seeing as he knows me and the ‘original’ me so it wouldn’t be too hard to see who I tweet regularly on the original and work your way backwards. No one knows I have this blog – except one person I know in real life (hi Stig btw)- so if anything happened to me then no one would ever know the truth…and that idea scares me…especially as at this rate it would probably say ‘ding dong the bitch is dead’ on my headstone lol. I will take this to my grave…but after that theres nothing stopping the world from knowing is there?

xBx

Advertisements
 
 

Tags: , , , , ,

21 responses to “Ignorance is bliss

  1. Mohamed Ossama

    May 10, 2013 at 8:37 am

    I was going to ask you whether he reads your posts or not, then you answered my unasked question. Don’t you think if he had his own writings it would help get out what’s really inside his head? Why not try to let him write a little bit? Just saying… God bless you Beth, and many hopes for rapid compromises between the two of you ❤

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 10, 2013 at 10:58 am

      Thanks Mohamed, He knows I have this blog – but not what its called or where to find it etc -he also knows that I write about things that are happening between us. Youre right, perhaps asking him to write things down would help. someone else suggested this recently actually and i meant to ask him but we’ve both had a hectic week so the timing hasnt seemed right. Thank you for commenting xB

       
  2. beetleypete

    May 10, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Hmm…You are right, they would have ME to deal with, Police contacts, time on my hands, all the rest. I will not cease until…
    It’s not going to happen though. What is going to happen is;
    1) You are going to say ‘enough is enough’ and not care about the opinions of those who are irrelevant to you.
    2) Things are going to slowly get better, and this will seem like a part of the process of building your life back-together.
    Whether it is 1) or 2), you always know who you can count on.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 10, 2013 at 10:58 am

      Dont mess with the daddy! lol Of course i do Pete – thank you xB

       
  3. Mocha

    May 10, 2013 at 11:25 am

    This is a rather thought provoking and confusing post…the tile throws me off a bit, I’m guessing there is some sarcasm in there…I see the blissful ignorance his family has, I get that part, I am trying to pull the question out that you are, I think, asking, would you rather an act for you. Even though you answered it yourself…saying you wouldn’t, I am wondering if you would, based off of the title, so I am a bit confused…sorta, kinda…

    You are tight lipped about it around the people that matters, which I have idea how you do that, the things that you want to say to his friends and family would just jump out of me and first chance, but thats me, I commend that part of you…but then there is the blog…I wonder if you would like him or his family to discover it…deep in your mind would you…

    Its Friday, I don’t like to be confused on Fridays, it screws my weekend up…Monday, yeah, confuse the hell out of me…not Fridays, Saturday night wine doesn’t taste the same being filtered through confusion….

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 10, 2013 at 12:54 pm

      Lol! I’m British or COURSE there was sarcasm in the title.
      Yes that was what I was getting at… Would it be easier to NOT know? … Yes.
      Would it be right to NOT know?…
      No
      Would I prefer to keep living a lie? Being blissfully unaware?… Deep down no because it would all come out eventually and I’d have to do this all again anyway… Plus I value honesty.

      Its like the saying “rather be hurt by the truth than satisfied by a lie” I (usually) live by this. But in reality sometimes it’s hard to witness the satisfaction in others (who don’t know) when you’re still dealing with the hurt. BUT I know this way is better in the long run. – does that make more sense?

      As for the telling his family etc – I would love to. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that; I’m a talker (as you can tell) so I struggle to understand why people keep things to themselves (saying that I understand their logic but still I would struggle to live with such a big secret) BUT I know that telling them wouldn’t help anything. You can’t predict how they would react and the effect it would have on any progress thus far.

      I have spoken with my counsellor and decided to ask my husband to talk with HIS therapist about whether it’s worth at least asking his mother to fill in any gaps (or the first 9 years of his life) I’m sure it will happen eventually but it’s not my past to dig up prematurely.
      XB

       
      • Mocha

        May 11, 2013 at 8:49 pm

        Yes makes sense, I had a follow up, but I totally friggin forgot what I wanted to say…bummer….TBC

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 12, 2013 at 2:03 pm

        ha ha im so confused

         
  4. greenembers

    May 10, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Done. Set up alerts to go out at the first sign of funny business involving you. I know I won’t have to hit the red button though. 🙂

     
  5. WyndyDee

    May 10, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    My sweet, sweet Beth! You would be redeemed! ❤❤❤

    Seriously, you should talk to hubs! I bet he has felt the same way in the past and still there are days!! He calls it “my church face”
    😬

    Hugs! At least those days are finally few and far between! 😃

    One moment, one day, one week, one month, one year! It happens!!

     
    • WyndyDee

      May 10, 2013 at 1:49 pm

      BTW…I think you need to change your tag of “learning to live without love”. You need to speak more positive over this…”overcoming and learning to love again”

      😍😍

       
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 10, 2013 at 8:37 pm

        And yes I do need to change my tag, Ive been waiting for a time where i felt more confident with it…i dont want to jinx it lol but ill have a think xB

         
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 10, 2013 at 8:36 pm

      Thanks Wyndy, does he blog too? xB

       
  6. Fat Bottom Girl

    May 10, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    After getting married, my ex started having issues with depression, etc, and started seeing a therapist. He finally opened up to me about sexual abuse issues and numerous other things. His family put on an act, and his mother still does to this day. It was the only way they knew how to cope, even if it was sick, sick, sick! My analogy for his family and there situation: Imagine there’s a big pile of shit sitting in the middle of the living room floor. . . it smells horrendous. . .it has flies buzzing all around it. . . no one mentions it. . . they act like they don’t smell it. . .they walk around it. . .they never, ever say to another family member, “Hey, did you notice the big pile of shit in the middle of the living room??”. . . .sick families have to keep their secrets. . . .secrets are what keeps the family sick

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 10, 2013 at 3:35 pm

      Its just like my counsellor keeps saying “You’re only as sick as your secrets”

      It’s so frustrating, I struggle to understand massive family secrets, I just couldn’t keep them to myself – especially if they were that damaging :/ but then I suppose I don’t understand people who abuse kids etc in the first place so youre exactly right. Thank you xB

       
  7. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 11, 2013 at 1:07 am

    I can so relate, my abusive family blames me for everything, when it’s them…annnddd Hubby went back to our hometown for 9 days and had the time of his life…fun, laughing, hanging out with people…I don’t see fun social happy hubby much at all at home…in part that is because there’s no life here, no people we’ve met but still…I was jealous listening to happy Hubby when he called me on his trip. Sorry it’s so very hard. xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 11, 2013 at 12:56 pm

      I’m glad you can relate… Makes me feel less silly knowing I’m not the only one who has felt this way xB

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        May 11, 2013 at 3:56 pm

        It sucks, there’s a lot of injustice there,if others are blaming you, and even if it’s not said, you can probably feel it. Hugs xo

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 11, 2013 at 4:08 pm

        Deffo, I mean no one has any idea of what’s going on – all they have to go by is his lack of interest when talking or lack of attendance at social events so the obvious thing to do is look at me for the reason xB

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        May 11, 2013 at 4:48 pm

        sometimes i wish people would stop assuming and judging. 😦

         

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
wePoets Show It

an interactive community that showcases art in all forms

Rambles, writing and amusing musings

Smile! laugh out loud! enjoy the following

Radiant Hope

Those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like wings on eagles, they will run and not grow weary.

I'M A HAUTE MESS

If you're a mess, at least be haute.

The MisAdventures of Vanilla

Mom, Activist, and Stripper

omg he said what?

My boyfriend may be an idiot, but I love him anyway

The Community Storyboard

Where creativity meets community

Michael Bradley - Time Traveler

The official website of Michael Bradley - Author of novels, short stories and poetry involving the past, future, and what may have been.

Wobble a Jelly

Start the movement

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

georgeforfun

Welcome to George's world, no invitation needed, feel at home

The Girl with Twine in Her Bag

My six-word memoir: Can it be four?

Bizarre World News

Bizarre News From Around the World

Rome Construction Crew

Rome wasn't built in a day and not by one person

Emotional Affair? It Almost Destroyed My Marriage!

Emotional affairs; also called affairs of the heart. Let's define the severity of the term. It can destroy your marriage or relationship. What is it? There are a few words to describe it. Affair. Infidelity. Cheating. But the biggest word which sums it all up is....BETRAYAL!

Dehypnotize

The Key To Effective Communicating

Therapy nut loops.

In the client's chair

%d bloggers like this: