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Sorry seems to be….

21 May
English: Keep Calm and Carry On UK government ...

English: Keep Calm and Carry On UK government poster (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Prepare for a long one (oi oi) …it’s not even vital that anyone reads this as it doesn’t really go anywhere lol just thought I’d share the thoughts that clog my mind at the moment.

The past few weeks with hubby have been great, I’ve been leaving the laptop out, leaving him home alone… Basically trusting him more and relaxing a little. We’ve had fun, he’s been loving towards me – actually telling me he loves me (which at one point I honestly believed I would never hear again) and when he does say it it’s not like I jump and do a little victory dance (at least not in front of him lol) basically I don’t play up to it, I’m not encouraging him or willing him to say it so he’s saying it because HE wants to.

HOWEVER from experience – with him or ANY past relationship I’ve come to learn that whenever things seem to be going great… I’m due a massive knock back to reality so… The paranoia is creeping back in…not that what I’m about to tell you is a bombshell by any means but I think said paranoia is probably the reason i reacted the way i did…

Last night we were fine, all flirty and stuff and we both knew what was coming later on… Bedroom antics. Well just before bed I hugged him and ended up jabbing my finger into his nipple (accidentally) and really hurting him. we laughed it off and he mad a sad face saying if he wasn’t growing moobs (man-boobs) that that wouldn’t have happened. Of course i said no no don’t be silly etc…like you do – plus its not true…he’s put on SOME weight but he’s not fat, it was just the angle plus force of my hand/finger…not thanks to his extra body parts lol.

And that’s when it happened….my husband said the one thing that is guaranteed to offend piss off ANY woman….

‘Lets starts going to the gym’

LETS?? erm no! how rude!
He asked why not and i said ‘because believe it or not I’m actually happy with the way i look…thank you!’
He genuinely couldn’t understand why i was offended… I thought no… Fuck this… I feel shit now…instant turn off…no sex for you thanks! I feel self conscious enough normally in bed so I’m NOT going there tonight! I got into bed and he made no effort to try it on, he cuddled up to me and asked if i was mad….yup. He said ‘i didn’t mean it that way, i don’t think you’re fat…OR too thin…you’re just right… i just know I need to start going and thought it would help ME if you came with me…you could motivate me to go…’

We lay there in silence and after a while he kissed me and said goodnight to which i snapped back ‘NIGHT!’…he squeezed me tighter. Now…i know he didn’t mean it like that – he’s just bloody stupid but still the cogs started turning and i saw red (Possibly due to hormonal times) I got angry, I got SO worked up and ended up lying there with angry tears rolling thinking… he probably did this on purpose to avoid being near me, he saw some fit girl (i’d do her) on Eurovision and has realised that real people CAN look like that but I don’t…its bad enough that he thinks about everything BUT me in bed…now he’s actually TELLING me I’m FAT!!?? (Such an overreaction) He noticed my sniffling, hugged me tighter again and asked why i was so upset…

’cause you’re a dickhead!’
‘why?’
deep breath….

‘well…why don’t you and HER (the friend) fuck off to an island and write a fucking book on how to kick someone when they’re already down? I’ve been on the receiving end of both of your techniques so i can vouch for you that it works well!’

*shocked and confused hubby* He began soothing me but i interrupted…

‘I mean at least you got what you wanted…you can avoid HAVING to go anywhere near me tonight, you can use that as a valid reason to fuck off and have a wank in the morning…where you can look at something that does it for you and think about whatever the fuck you want without me interfering with your little world!’

(Damn Beth…bit harsh!)

Dumfounded he sighed and said ‘I didn’t mean it that way…I’m not trying to push you away…in fact YOU’RE pushing ME away by doing this’
‘Wow…I didn’t realise it was possible for me to push you away any further than you already are!!!!’

*ouch*

Realising there was no winning tonight he turned over and after a few minutes he turned back and said ‘still love you though btw’

Lifting weight

Lifting weight (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bastard! so calm and collected…and rational! I felt instantly bad for bringing up stuff that weren’t that relevant but I still couldn’t shake the anger. The more I tried the more thought about it and the more I cried. I just thought fuck you! I have NEVER been to a gym or on a diet, I’m 5,5 9st9 and UK size 10. I have stretch marks on my tummy anyway so even if it was toned I wouldn’t be happy with it… I’ve always been active, I always walk everywhere… I never stop moving. Yeah I can see the pros of going but I don’t want to! I’m not overweight, I don’t have the perfect figure but it’s MY figure and I’m alright with that… These thoughts wouldn’t stop and instead of calming they got worse!…BESIDES what fucking difference would it make? Even if he got that tiny, toned Eurovision singer into bed he still wouldn’t feel it.. There’s nothing SHE could do to satisfy him either! Even if she was in his wank bank it would still be HIS hands that got him off! Urgh! What a prick!

(By this point he was asleep)

So it continued…AND he OBVIOUSLY meant it as he hasn’t said sorry… He’s not once said sorry for any of this shit… Because he doesn’t fucking care and saying it would be a lie! He’s NOT sorry that he put me through all this.. All he’s ever said is that it’s shitty for me or sorry without actually SAYING sorry… He doesn’t DO sorry and he’s not sorry for inadvertently calling me fat because he meant it! He thinks it!

I got so wound up (and snotty) that I ended up sleeping in the spare room… *Stomp stomp stomp* Plus I wouldn’t want to take up too much space in our bed now would I?! Lol

I was woken in the early hours by a bright light which was him checking I hadn’t ran away… I kept my eyes closed and realised where I was and remembered the night before (and chuckled to myself) so a while later I snuck back into our bed and within seconds he turned and hugged me and kissed me and said … Wait for it…..

‘I’m sorry about last night… I really didn’t mean it that way’

*stunned*

He said sorry!…As soon as he said that I instantly wondered if he could read my mind…. Followed by “you’re such a dick Beth!” and then I relaxed and fell asleep. When I woke again he was kissing me goodbye and he’s due home any minute so we shall see what tonight brings…(told you this post doesnt really go anywhere lol)

xBx

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16 responses to “Sorry seems to be….

  1. Charles Yallowitz

    May 21, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    I never knew about the gym issue. Thanks for the warning. 😀

     
  2. ioniamartin

    May 21, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Oh no…my posts that don’t g anywhere disease seems to be contagious 🙂

     
  3. ioniamartin

    May 21, 2013 at 7:02 pm

    Which is probably less bad than the disease that makes me unable to spell “go”

     
  4. Kira

    May 21, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    One of the things I love most about your posts is how you are completely transparent with your emotional reactions. I probably would have reacted the same way!! 🙂

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 23, 2013 at 10:10 am

      Aw thanks 🙂 I like that I’m honest about my own craziness too lol I think thats important actually – otherwise this whole blog would be totally one sided (though I realise being written by me its already one sided lol) but I dont see the point in pretending I’m a saint when I’m no where near it lol Glad to know its not just me 😉 xB

       
      • Kira

        May 23, 2013 at 4:40 pm

        I have found being honest about all my “stuff” has helped me tremendously in my healing process!

         
  5. beetleypete

    May 21, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    It may be an over reaction, but it is understandable, given your history. Normally, it wouldn’t amount to much, but circumstances dictate an abnormal response. It will work out OK.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 23, 2013 at 10:11 am

      Yeah it will 🙂 At the time of (massively over)reacting I even laughed at myself and knew I was being silly. Poor hubby…he wont be saying anything like that again in a hurry ha ha xB

       
  6. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 22, 2013 at 1:01 am

    I’m guessing the gym issue wasn’t the real reason you were angry, it just triggered the real reason.

     
  7. WyndyDee

    May 22, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    well, I am pretty sure I would have reacted the same way, cuz…*coughs* I have! My poor hubs used to walk on eggshells when it came to ANYTHING regarding my weight or appearance. Now, he just says what he says and knows I am gonna react regardless. I am better, after losing all that weight only to gain half of it back after the accident, I can’t really let myself wallow or get offended anymore. It is what it is, but dang…it is still hard to hear and when there is other underlying stuff, it is just magnified beyond reality!

    I am so proud of him for apologizing! I say that is more than a baby step, that is a GIANT step!

    Hugs and Love!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 23, 2013 at 10:14 am

      Aw thanks Wyndy, like my counsellor said…we all have our buttons and hubby seems to have found mine lol. It IS hard to hear when there is other stuff, I’m sure anyone else would have packed their his n hers gym bags and been done with it lol xB

       
      • WyndyDee

        May 23, 2013 at 1:38 pm

        Oh, I would’ve went to the gym after making him suffer for the suggestion first…not gonna lie! 😉

         

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