‘Yes…but its understandable’
As I headed out for work a few evenings ago I tried to stop my eyes from flickering towards the open laptop as I asked hubby what he had planned in his few hours of freedom. (thinking…do I WANT to know?…porn porn porn)
Closing the laptop and putting it away he said ‘well when you get back i need to get online and research this stuff i wanna get for the garden…oh and check my bank balance and stuff but while you’re out ill probably play on the Xbox and get my lunch ready for work tomorrow…’
I asked why he was waiting for me to get home before going online and he said it was because he knew how it made me feel knowing he was browsing (alone), he didn’t like making me feel like that…plus there was no rush to look at it so it could wait.
I couldn’t help but smile at that reply but at the same time i hate it I don’t LIKE feeling this way, I had been doing fine and as far as I’m aware he hasn’t been looking at porn… our sex lives have improved massively…more often…he initiates…more relaxed…more fun…happy endings and wotnot etc etc BUT like i said before everything seems to be going a little too well …to the point where i am now on edge waiting for my bubble to burst yet again – and I hate that.
I hate that I think that way, that I’ve now managed to go into reverse and into paranoia territory. I feel like I’m turning into (yes turning I’m not quite there yet) some over sensitive, over protective…demanding wife and I’m worried that I’m really going to push him away at the moment (ironic or what) but i wouldn’t blame him…I mean I don’t think he’s planning on leaving me anytime soon or anything BUT I don’t like the way I’m being so I don’t see why he would either. It’s just not me.
I mean, I’m not overbearing right now, not to him at least…I don’t say everything I think or voice all of my annoying anxieties so he’s only exposed to about one third of the crazy that I’m encountering. but still…he obviously picks up on some stuff as he now knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel.
I suppose its like waiting for an alcoholic to fall back off the wagon after the first few days of sobriety…surely for him -if he really did have a porn addiction – he would be having major withdrawals by now right? So in my mind he’s ready to crack any day now…or maybe he’s put things into perspective…maybe now the subject has been discussed between us AND with professionals he’s realised how destructive his actions were…that it wasn’t addiction…just lack of respect and understanding?…I don’t know… I think once he gets back into the routine of therapy I’ll feel better as we will be moving in a direction rather than sat in limbo again.
I asked – ‘doesn’t that make me like some crazy, paranoid laptop security guard?’
Him: ‘yes…but its understandable’
Me: ‘IS it understandable though? i don’t LIKE feeling this way…BEING this way’
Him: ‘Yes its understandable, I’ve made you feel this way and I’m going to do everything i can to earn your trust back’
…it never hurts to hear him accept responsibility.
- Porn Is Not the Problem – You Are (psychologytoday.com)
- Porn Parasite (riveradouthit.com)
- We need to talk to children about porn | Justin Hancock (guardian.co.uk)
- Effective Ways on How to Quit Porn Addiction (quitaddict.wordpress.com)
- This Is What Happens When A Generation Grows Up On Porn (jenx67.com)
- On the road to freedom from sexual addiction………………….. (radianthope01.wordpress.com)
- Should married couples use porn to spice up their sexual lives? (njorogejustus.wordpress.com)
- ‘Porn made me think sex was brutal’ (bbc.co.uk)
- The problem with porn (theage.com.au)