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#10 Responsibility

25 May
On the edge II

On the edge II (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘Yes…but its understandable’

As I headed out for work a few evenings ago I tried to stop my eyes from flickering towards the open laptop as I asked hubby what he had planned in his few hours of freedom. (thinking…do I WANT to know?…porn porn porn)

Closing the laptop and putting it away he said  ‘well when you get back i need to get online and research this stuff i wanna get for the garden…oh and check my bank balance and stuff but while you’re out ill probably play on the Xbox and get my lunch ready for work tomorrow…’

I asked why he was waiting for me to get home before going online and he said it was because he knew how it made me feel knowing he was browsing (alone), he didn’t like making me feel like that…plus there was no rush to look at it so it could wait.

I couldn’t help but smile at that reply but at the same time i hate it :/ I don’t LIKE feeling this way, I had been doing fine and as far as I’m aware he hasn’t been looking at porn… our sex lives have improved massively…more often…he initiates…more relaxed…more fun…happy endings and wotnot etc etc BUT like i said before everything seems to be going a little too well …to the point where i am now on edge waiting for my bubble to burst yet again – and I hate that.

I hate that I think that way, that I’ve now managed to go into reverse and into paranoia territory. I feel like I’m turning into (yes turning I’m not quite there yet) some over sensitive, over protective…demanding wife and I’m worried that I’m really going to push him away at the moment (ironic or what) but i wouldn’t blame him…I mean I don’t think he’s planning on leaving me anytime soon or anything BUT I don’t like the way I’m being so I don’t see why he would either. It’s just not me.

I mean, I’m not overbearing right now, not to him at least…I don’t say everything I think or voice all of my annoying anxieties so he’s only exposed to about one third of the crazy that I’m encountering. but still…he obviously picks up on some stuff as he now knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

I suppose its like waiting for an alcoholic to fall back off the wagon after the first few days of sobriety…surely for him -if he really did have a porn addiction – he would be having major withdrawals by now right? So in my mind he’s ready to crack any day now…or maybe he’s put things into perspective…maybe now the subject has been discussed between us AND with professionals he’s realised how destructive his actions were…that it wasn’t addiction…just lack of respect and understanding?…I don’t know… I think once he gets back into the routine of therapy I’ll feel better as we will be moving in a direction rather than sat in limbo again.

I asked – ‘doesn’t that make me like some crazy, paranoid laptop security guard?’
Him: ‘yes…but its understandable’
Me: ‘IS it understandable though? i don’t LIKE feeling this way…BEING this way’
Him: ‘Yes its understandable, I’ve made you feel this way and I’m going to do everything i can to earn your trust back’

…it never hurts to hear him accept responsibility.

xBx

 
23 Comments

Posted by on May 25, 2013 in Honestly...

 

Tags: , , ,

23 responses to “#10 Responsibility

  1. Mocha

    May 25, 2013 at 8:48 am

    Your thought process is rather negative today, and I don’t like it. I don’t like how you are waiting for the worse to happen. Direct yourself with positive thoughts and positive energies will follow..I have been a funky state lately myself so I have to start holding myself to positive thinking to bear positive fruits that I want…buck up

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 25, 2013 at 9:12 am

      I dont like it either Mocha. I’m trying to stay positive -actually I’m feeling so much happier in general and this job is helping to take my mind of of things a lot but its always there niggling and reminding me not to get more comfortable. I think its also because I know that when he gets back into therapy there will be a lot of skeletons creeping out and this false sense of security will be torn down yet again (thats a fact) Maybe its just a self protection thing but still…I dont like it either.
      Sorry to hear youve not been feeling (thinking) too great either :/ Bucking up now lol 🙂 xB

       
      • Mocha

        May 25, 2013 at 9:22 am

        I know that you have been busy but I have a book recommendation for you…its my go to when I am having negative thoughts (feelings). Check it out…

        http://jamesallen.wwwhubs.com/think.htm

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 25, 2013 at 9:57 am

        ooh I’ve had a peek 🙂 – I like that its not a full blown novel I think even busy busy me could squueze that into an evening 😉 Thanks Mocha I’m looking forward to it xB

         
      • Mocha

        May 25, 2013 at 10:52 am

        thats what I like to hear

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 25, 2013 at 3:03 pm

        Finished 🙂 (be proud lol) liked, agreed… You kind of read it and think “oh yeah… Duh I knew this why wasn’t I following it through?” some bits were quite repetitive but I guess that’s to drum it in and make the point. “Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power.” thanks Mocha 🙂 xB

         
  2. beetleypete

    May 25, 2013 at 9:44 am

    Mocha makes a good point about positive feelings. The problem with trust is that it has to be earned, and you haven’t been going through this long enough to feel that he has earned it yet. You cannot afford to constantly doubt though, as it will get into your mind like a poisonous seed, and will never go away. Either way, you have to get on with the happier aspects of your life, and try not to worry about what is happening when you are not there. Not easy.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 25, 2013 at 10:08 am

      Definitely not easy Pete, I mean once out or doing whatever I’m doing (work etc) I dont give it a second thought, it doesnt consume me and take over the rest of my life BUT when im about to leave or about to walk back through the door the thought is always there…’will he? What am about to find when I walk in the door?’

      It IS poisonous – youre right- and I need to shake it. But can you understand what and why its there? do you understand what I mean when I say it feels too good to be true almost and that I’ve learnt to expect it to go wrong? Or do you think I should be past this by now?

      The three happy genuine things every day are really helping my outlook of everything else -focusing on the good etc and generally he and I are getting on great (or at least much better) its just this one damn thought that wont leave me alone :/ Not even a feeling – no gut feelings flying around telling me somethings wrong…just my head playing games xB

       
      • beetleypete

        May 25, 2013 at 3:48 pm

        I understand all too well. Truth is, I would be just like that, suspicious and distrusting B. But then, I would never have had the endurance or patience to try to claw back my life, in the way that you have. When similar things have happened to me, I have usually walked away, and started all over again. Perhaps that is why I have ended up like I am, somewhat bitter and cynical? If you want to remain in that marriage, and save your relationship, then you can’t follow me down that path.
        As ever, Pete. X

         
  3. petitemagique

    May 25, 2013 at 11:46 am

    I can understand your feelings. If you have been through a lot and it’s going well, you can’t help wondering how long it takes for something bad happens again. I do that too.
    But you are very strong, so I know you will keep going. Eventually, you will be right where you want to be. And your state of mind will change. Life just has to prove itself sometimes, before we can believe in it again.
    Big hug and lots of love to you!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 26, 2013 at 9:47 pm

      Thank you hun, I WILL keep going I just need to stay positive and focus on the future rather than expecting history to repeat itself xB

       
  4. Charles Yallowitz

    May 25, 2013 at 11:53 am

    The positive and negative thought thing has already been said, so I won’t go there. I will mention that it could be a natural part of the healing process. When a person wrongs a loved one and is trying to change/gain forgiveness, that person might overcompensate. It’s a process of finding that perfect balance that will lead to forgiveness and ‘normalcy’.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 26, 2013 at 9:48 pm

      Very true Charles, thank you. I cant wait to get past this part lol – but thats positive thinking right there…thinking of the future and progression …see! already on the right track 😉 xB

       
      • Charles Yallowitz

        May 26, 2013 at 10:44 pm

        That you are. I’m sure you’ll stay on that track or, at the very least, rush back to it if you slip. You have a lot of friends and inner strength to make it.

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        May 26, 2013 at 10:46 pm

        🙂 thanks Charles xB

         
  5. jesuslikespizza

    May 25, 2013 at 11:54 am

    You’re a woman. We over analyze things.
    I enjoyed the dialogue..go team go!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 26, 2013 at 9:49 pm

      Ha ha we do indeed 🙂 Glad Im not the only one 🙂 xB

       
  6. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 25, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    You’re so hard on yourself, this is not your fault, you do have reason to feel the way you do. Be gentle to you xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 26, 2013 at 9:51 pm

      I pinky promise 😉 I think like jesuslovespizza said its a case of overanalysing (both in the sense of assuming his next move AND worrying that I’m being unreasonable) BUT I know that its natural to feel this way right now -as Charles said its all part of the process, it will pass as things change and progress…looking to the future and being nicer to myself 🙂 Always hope and all that 🙂 xB

       
  7. WyndyDee

    May 27, 2013 at 4:30 am

    I am so proud of you and the forward process you are making! It is not easy being made to feel like your hubs is cheating on you with multiple people, and they not see it the same way. It is understandable, but the fact that he sees that now, and was willing to put it away…HUGE! Hug him for me! Hugs and Love!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      May 28, 2013 at 7:35 pm

      Aw thank you Wyndy, it IS hard; I spoke to my counsellor about it today and he said its normal to feel this way and for old insecurities to hit me again etc BUT that we ARE still moving in a direction (a good one) and that hubbys actions recently have pointed only to good progress AND that usually any self discovery/journey etc through his therapy usually results in changes…maybe it really has changed his thoughts on porn or maybe its given him other things to focus on…either way its moving in the right direction xB

       

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