Isn’t it ironic? The Kill

Believe it or not things at home are going much better – aside from my anxiety mentioned here– but I thought I would share another ‘isn’t it ironic?’ post with you…its from the past which I dont like delving into on good days but I feel I need to air it…allow myself to get it out etc

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn’t take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I’m not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break…?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I’m not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

I first heard this song many years ago on the bus to school – at the time thanks to the crackling stereo and buzz of activity I misheard the lyrics as “marry me marry me” and instantly fell in love with the tune, the emotion… The power of it. For years I Googled “marry me marry me” but of course – seeing as these weren’t the lyrics I had no luck.

Over the years I suffered from depression, multiple overdoses, bad relationships and just shit times in general… But eventually I overcame them. After my last bad break-up (along with health problems) I was having a girly night in when THAT song came on one of the music channels …I saw Jared and fell in love all over again… With the song AND the beautiful beautiful man and it quickly became my favourite song EVER.

Its Powerful, I saw the positives in the lyrics…  ”This is who I really am inside… Finally found myself..’ he’s turned the song around and he’s overcome the rest of it… Just like I had done. There’s no point pretending or trying… Be yourself…cause you’ll end up breaking in the end so you may as well be true to yourself no matter what.

For years it still stuck as my favourite song ever…the type of song you would hear at any time ..any place and belt it out loudly (regardless of whether it was in tune or not) it was a song that gave me THAT feeling that only your favourite song could.

We even considered a slow version for our wedding…(there are some BEAUTIFUL slow versions of it which i listened to for hours to try and pick a fave) the focus being on the over coming…the realisation that after all the shit THIS is who i am…you make me who i am…you complete me…YOU love me as I am…However after needing to explain this to the few guests who were actually going to be there on the day we decided against it…bury me on your wedding day? ok fair enough…lets stick with the Jackson 5 then.

A few days after hubby dropped his bombshell (posted here if anyone missed it) i was driving home…completely numb and of course EVERY song on the radio had some kind of connection to our situation…. ‘end of the road‘...’tell me lies tell me sweet little lies…’ maybe not THOSE songs but still the same ironic shit…song after song after song. At the time i honestly felt like i was being set up on some hidden camera show or something. Anyway, sick of that I whacked on 30 Seconds to Mars and instantly I felt better.

I sang…LOUDLY…finally allowing some feeling to come back…but then i got to THAT line…

‘I tried to be someone else…but nothing seemed to change i know now this is who i REALLY am inside…finally found myself ;Fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I really am’ and the louder i sang the harder I cried (even writing this at least 2 months later it still makes me well up thinking about it)

*BAM*

There is was…in MY song…in MY favourite line…the truth…The irony… as if my husband had written it and sang it to me… he’s tried to be someone else, that didn’t work, he’s really really tried…but THIS is who he really is inside.

After i got home i sobbed…SO hard, another thing that was special to me had been tainted…taken away from me forever by him. The song that made me happy, the power that i would feel when i sang it…the line that meant so much to me and summed up my past has now taken on an entirely different meaning.

I cant sing that song anymore; it took a while before i could even hear it without sobbing…and now i can just about do that…I still love it…it still gives me THAT feeling…but i don’t think I’ll ever be able to sing it again.

Isn’t it funny how certain songs hold a certain meaning?

xBx