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*Deep Breath*

01 Jun
Panic-attack

Panic-attack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a bunch of positive posts to polish off today but my mood wont allow it right now…Beth needs some virtual hugs and positive thinking …I’m not sure if I can do this anymore :/

Just stupid little things getting to me and building up and I cant control it. like today we were messing around in bed (not like that) and I straddled him pinning him down with my knees and telling him about something – I don’t know what but lets say a dream for arguments sake. He lay there with his eyes closed listening and I told him I wanted to show him or re-enact a situation which had occurred -my impression of a facial expression or whatever i.e. ‘do a really bored/uninterested look and I will show you what they did….‘  He wouldn’t open his eyes…So I pinched him -which made him open them wider than usual lol but then he shut them again. It was stupid but it went on for a few minutes and it really hit a nerve.Not wanting to show him how stupidly offended I was getting I went to move off him but he held me there (playfully don’t worry) and he said ‘no no where do you think you’re going?  I thought you were telling me a story etc….’ but I couldn’t say anything because I would have burst out crying. I said it didn’t matter and tried smiling/shrugging it off which then made me sound like I was being purposely awkward so we both gave up and went on with our morning.

I don’t know if anyone knows what I’m talking about or why I got so upset…I’m not even sure I know…after all he had just woken up and he said his eyes were still heavy…we have all been there but I suppose the obvious thing is the lack of eye contact. Me straddling and him with his eyes shut is all too familiar for me; we haven’t done ‘bedroom stuff’ that way for a while now and I think being back there…even fully clothed with nothing sexual going on …well I’m clearly not OK with it. Is this what people mean when they talk about triggers? Things that hit a nerve and take you back to somewhere you really don’t want to go? Or is this just expected in my situation? I mean its still only been… almost 3 months since all of this kicked off so maybe I just haven’t progressed enough in that situation for me to be able to get past it?

It frustrated me…why the fuck cant you just LOOK at me when we are like this? It offends me…Why cant you look at ME when we are like this? it upsets me and it worries me…WHAT are you thinking about, what are you trying to block out? I’m getting to the point where I’m fed up of trying to figure it out, trying to second guess everything he says and does. I just want us to be NORMAL!

THEN there’s that fucking paranoia. The lack of therapy…’hes lying’…’hes acting’…the porn!  Last time it had taken over a little too much I was sent a link by Mocha (check him out btw) to an eBook about positive thinking…I read it in an afternoon, I enjoyed it and it made sense.

‘A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances.’
‘Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power.’

I.e. Good thoughts = good things

But how CAN I always think good thoughts when the reality isn’t always good? Or when the thoughts are of the negative actions of someone else? -i.e. my husband. I’m struggling to find the balance…I mean I’m all for positive thinking and positive energy but it cant stop someone else from screwing you over and it cant change what’s happened can it? Pushing your gut feelings away and forcing good thoughts…ignoring your instincts despite past experience…making yourself believe good things when things are shitty…isn’t that denial? isn’t that unrealistic?

We both had the afternoon off together and he wanted to show me a few videos of a game show he used to watch but I had never heard of. I was on the laptop when he remembered the name of it and with that he whipped out his Xbox controller and got the video up online using that!….I had forgotten that internet explorer and youtube existed on his xbox… (stupid) so THAT raised the anxiety up a few levels but how am I meant to then keep thinking good thoughts knowing that’s there…unlimited…unblocked…while I’m out at work in the evenings.

How am I meant to stop thinking about the fact that porn is actually everywhere?…accessible everywhere…anytime…anyplace… even in a power cut there are still magazines…even in bed with me he has his images. There’s no end to it.

How do I stop wondering whether or not he will break the little bit of trust we have built back – and my heart- all over again by logging on and getting off?

How can I stop the thoughts that he’s still doing it regularly behind my back…because I don’t understand how else he would be doing so well without it?

How can I stop the thoughts that the past has taught me to have? The thoughts that are there to protect me from getting so hurt IF it happens again? He’s shown me that he can easily hide it from me, he’s shown me how naive I’ve been for not suspecting a thing…  he’s shown me how he can lie to my face every single day for over a year! How can I turn that into a positive?

How can I stay positive knowing that I do NOT trust my own husband to respect me enough to refrain from doing it? <– THAT hurts!

I cant stand it…it makes me panic, it makes me feel sick it puts me on edge to the point of breaking. I’ve just told him (through tears) that if he hurts me (porn/secrets) one more time I WILL be gone. I wont WANT to …but I NEED to and I WILL walk away. I can not take any more hurt. I told him I didn’t know what was real anymore and that it scares me. He held me tight for a long time and told me that it wont happen, he’s not going to hurt me and he is being himself with me… no major acting (aside from the usual that we all do i.e. ‘I’m fine’ when he’s actually pissed off and tired from work etc) and no more lies. I’m forcing myself – willing myself to believe him…what more can I do? Right now all I am hanging on to is hope…and my positive genuines:

  • He is work-free, paid and booked in with his therapist this weekend so something will be progressing after that and hopefully it will take the edge off for me
  • Today I managed to tell him something which was hard for me to say (the above) and it felt better knowing that he understands where I am at with all of this and reaffirming the consequences
  • We are going on a date this weekend which will give us a chance to dress up, get out and just enjoy each others company

‘Time heals almost everything…give the time some time’

xBx

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26 Comments

Posted by on June 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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26 responses to “*Deep Breath*

  1. beetleypete

    June 1, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Seems like you are going through another difficult time B. That is a pattern in everyone’s life, unfortunately, and made worse by your understandable suspicions, and inability to trust at the moment. Remember that most of the ‘kick’ of porn is in the head and mind anyway. The pictures/films are just reinforcing something that can be recalled like a recording, over and over. The access to the machines and Internet is only part of the problem. Hopefully, he will eventually choose you over his fantasies, realising that tangible life and experience is preferable to a fantasy one. Hope things improve for you soon.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 12:08 pm

      As horrible as that thought is -that he can access those ‘mind tapes’ regardless- its true and for some reason thats actually comforting. It kind of takes away the worry of laptops and tvs because even if i did everything in my power to block them and stop him looking, hes got all he needs anyway – does that make sense?
      We had a heart to heart last night (no crying dont worry lol) and prompted by him WANTING to talk about stuff -ok so he may have been drunk but shh lol- so the posts do get better again for now. such a rollercoaster ride aaannnnd breathe xB

       
  2. greenembers

    June 1, 2013 at 11:51 am

    I really like that last bit, give time some time. I know how frustrating it can be. I just want you to know from what you have written it really seems like there has been a lot of positive updates and that can honestly be scary. I think there is a part of ourselves that wants to fail, that wants things to be bad, I know in my own self it’s there. Keep fighting Beth! Pom pom’s are out and I’m cheering you on! 🙂

    (Me with pom poms is not a pretty picture so try not think about it. 😉 )

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 12:11 pm

      Hee hee pom poms made me smile…were they yellow by any chance? lol
      Thank you green embers, youre right there have been a lot of positives lately and im TRYING to keep thinking good/happy thoughts but i guess some days just kick you in the balls dont they lol. peaks and troughs xB

       
      • greenembers

        June 1, 2013 at 12:42 pm

        Yup, some days are like that. But not everyday, thank heaven’s. 🙂

         
  3. Charles Yallowitz

    June 1, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Time, patience, and understanding. You’ll find there are days you move forward and days you move back. My wife and I have been in marriage counseling since late 2010 and we still have our bad days. They happen when a trigger comes up for one of us. You are right that triggers will cause stuff like this. You’ll react emotionally before your rational mind can stop you. So been there. Figuring out a mental dialogue or ‘talking down’ can help. Instead of focusing on what you think is going on, force yourself to think about what might really be happening. If you feel comfortable with it, you can also ask why he is doing or saying something then accept what he says. Trust has to be rebuilt in situations like this and that’s an epic struggle. Again, I’ve been and I’m really still there at times. Just stay strong and try as hard as you can to stay positive.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 2:04 pm

      Thank you Charles, I’m trying 😉 Its nice (sorry lol) to know I’m not the only one who gets like this from time to time and that its quite a normal reaction -to an extent. Highs and lows indeed…this is going to be a long ass rollercoaster…and i hate fair ground rides lol but im strapped in and going for it. Thank you for sticking with me through it 🙂 xB

       
      • Charles Yallowitz

        June 1, 2013 at 3:36 pm

        I’m with you on that. Really hate rollercoasters. We gotta stick to together to make it to end though. 😀

         
  4. Katie Sullivan

    June 1, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Your fear and reactions are natural; triggers are horrible because they can come on so quickly, and sometimes happen despite what the rational part of your brain says. I think that makes it worse, because then you’re arguing with yourself *and* feeling crummy. I think it’s great that you can still feel all of that, and come out with positives. Breathing is good, and I think you are one strong lady!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 11:25 pm

      Thank you Katie, they ARE horrible and yes the rational part just shuts down and lets the rest take over :/ Thanks for commenting xB

       
  5. ioniamartin

    June 1, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    When you have learned not to trust someone previously, isn’t it only natural to have doubts when learning to trust them again?

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 11:19 pm

      Thank you Ionia…thats pretty much what i wanted to say…but took a whole post to say it in lol. I think youre right 🙂 xB

       
  6. Mocha

    June 1, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Be strong my dear…everyday you are new…Enjoy the date…live in the moment of it

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 11:18 pm

      I’m strong-ing it up Mocha lol Thank you xB

       
      • Mocha

        June 1, 2013 at 11:29 pm

        🙂

         
  7. behindthemaskofabuse

    June 1, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    It was definitely a trigger you were experiencing. My wonder is, are you fighting to think positive or are you pushing down actual gut feelings that are real wanting to deny what your gut is telling you?

    On another note, he may not be able to look at you because he feels ugly and can’t stand the thought of anyone looking at him, I know I feel that way.

    I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Don’t be too hard on yourself, sadly, you have good reason to feel this way. Sending you support. xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 11:14 pm

      ‘are you fighting to think positive or are you pushing down actual gut feelings that are real wanting to deny what your gut is telling you?’ that was my thought exactly when writing it -and when reading the book i mentioned.

      I understand the ‘ugly’ thing. I think its like an embarrassment thing we all have to an extent – even more so in some cases and for deep rooted reasons. I mean i dont make eye contact all the time – especially if im embarrassed so perhaps youre right. It makes me feel better about it – even though i probably already knew it, thats why i love blogging…people can remind you of whats OK and whats not etc.

      Thank you so much xx

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        June 2, 2013 at 4:55 am

        I’m so glad you feel better in some way about it.

        Go with what you’re gut says, it’s usually not wrong.

        xo

         
  8. behindthemaskofabuse

    June 1, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    I feel like I’m always negative on here, but I don’t believe time heals anything. 😦

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 11:17 pm

      Aw I wish you didnt feel that way :/ I believe it does. not EVERYTHING but almost everything; im sure there are things time can never heal entirely but surely it heals to an extent? things get easier etc the pain is less and less as time goes by. that doesnt mean it doesnt still hurt but i honestly feel that over time most things heal one way or another xB

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        June 2, 2013 at 4:51 am

        you are so sweet thank you. i guess i’m just going by experience when it comes to time.

         
  9. petitemagique

    June 1, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    O Beth! You have a hard time right now. I am sending you a truckload full of love an another filled with strength! ♥
    Stay strong my friend! You can do it!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 1, 2013 at 11:10 pm

      Thank you, its been emotional but thankfully things have calmed once again and im feeling less vulnerable xx

       

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