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A new perspective: Thinking INSIDE the box

08 Jun
Three-Point Perspective

Three-Point Perspective (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As mentioned yesterday I recently received an email from a fellow blogger. He told me he knew personally about the numbness of PTSD and wanted to give his perspective on the whole situation… ‘How I felt, what caused it, and most importantly, what you can do for your husband as he goes through this’

The emails went back and forth between us, we established that all experience of PTSD is different…every PERSON is different and that some situations or causes are more complex and deeper rooted than others… BUT regardless it was encouraging to read his account. It helped me to understand SOME of what my husband is going through and he’s also offered to write some guest posts for me to delve deeper and explain more about it so those posts will be up soon. For now…I want to share with you some of the points which struck a chord with me and hopefully help YOU to understand a little bit more too.

‘I want to try and explain this part clearly so you know what your husband is going through. I know this probably has to be the most confusing aspect of PTSD for you – I knew I had a heart because I could feel my pulse, but I could not FEEL any emotion whatsoever.

…as for your husband, I have no idea why he has PTSD so I cannot tell you what to avoid or how to specifically help him, but I can tell you what I would have liked as I was going through it…

  • Love him – This part is going to SUCK, because you won’t get much love in return. Hold him. Kiss him…While his heart may not understand, his head will. When he finally awakens, you will have a stronger relationship.
  • This one will be especially hard. Make love to him. Loveless sex may be difficult for you, but the intimacy would be appreciated by him. His sex drive may be lower right now. If so, it definitely isn’t you, so don’t put that blame on your own shoulders. With his brain in overdrive, the thoughts may not be focused on sex.
  • Get him help – This is beyond your abilities to help him by yourself. PTSD is evil. Being a zombie is evil. Living that way feels awful. The sooner he can talk about it and deal with it, the better.
  • Encourage him to write – It helps. Buy him a notebook and pens. If he is writing, don’t disturb him. If he asks that you not read the notebooks, respect his penned words and leave them alone. The words will only hurt you and it will break his trust.
  • Encourage him to exercise and eat right. After fights with the ex, I would walk the city streets at 1-2 am. It was the only thing that helped calm me down. Look for a co-ed sport that you both can participate in. Talk walks together. If he wants to talk, let him talk. If he doesn’t, talk to him about ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE PTSD. Make walking and meal times PTSD free zones. Don’t let him eat fast food as it will only make him feel gross physically. Encourage him to eat right because he needs all the brain power he can get.
  • Limit video games – I’m a gamer and I started playing A LOT. I didn’t have to think when I was playing. I didn’t have to feel when I was playing. I could get lost in the world I was playing in. While it can be a help at times, don’t let him go overboard. Men like to go to our “cave” when we are dealing with issues. Don’t let him get lost in his online cave.
  • Don’t ask him how he feels. He doesn’t fucking know. Honestly. Pressuring him to answer that question or any other question about feelings is going to make it worse. In fact, try not to talk about emotions as much as possible. Yes, that is unnatural and completely foreign to you.
  • Don’t take what he says personally – I remember saying some crazy shit during that period of time. Remember, he cannot feel, so statements he makes have no emotional motivation to them. They are just words. Conversely, try to remember that your husband is in a PTSD cocoon. He may want to tell you that he loves you…but he can’t feel it right now. When he does say the words, in whatever form he says them, cherish them. I’m sure it was hard for him to say them.
  • Find a support system for yourself – You will not be getting the same kind of love from your husband as you are used to. Rely on family and friends. Treat yourself to a spa day once in a while and keep up your appearance. Go out with the girls and get drunk and dance your ass off. You deserve it. This is FUCKING HARD! It is perfectly OK to spoil yourself once in a while to recharge your batteries.

You two CAN DO THIS! You can win against EVIL. You can get your husband back. You can have an AMAZING marriage. It CAN BE DONE. Do not GIVE UP. Failure is NOT an option. I have faith in both of you.

I will do my best to help you understand what he is dealing with and I will give you as much insight as I can. Honestly, I lived with that shit for far too long. If I can help your husband get better, I will, because I know exactly how it DOESN’T feel.’

There IS hope

xBx

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20 responses to “A new perspective: Thinking INSIDE the box

  1. beetleypete

    June 8, 2013 at 9:52 am

    There were some excellent points from ‘the other side’ there B, and lots to give you hope for the future. The endless gaming, giving no time to think, or face reality, reminds me of how my second wife used to deal with my unhappiness, and her own inability to address it. Very accurate.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 8, 2013 at 6:51 pm

      Agreed Pete, its good to hear from someone whos been through it xB

       
  2. Charles Yallowitz

    June 8, 2013 at 11:18 am

    All very good advice. Interesting how some of it is counter-intuitive, but the way he explains it makes sense.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 8, 2013 at 6:52 pm

      He does, simple things that we wouldnt even think twice about makes more sense now xB

       
  3. greenembers

    June 8, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    I really liked this post. Thanks for sharing Beth!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 8, 2013 at 6:52 pm

      Good 🙂 Thanks Bradley – Like the new piccie btw- trying to get on the RCC blog but its having problems loading – any trouble your end? xB

       
      • Green Embers

        June 8, 2013 at 7:56 pm

        Mmm, email me some of the details. I did schedule your one post. Ionia has been having some problems too.

         
      • Comfortably Numb

        June 8, 2013 at 8:10 pm

        I’ve managed to get on now I think it was putting http://www….. Before it was breaking the link or something silly x

         
  4. sarabarnes98

    June 8, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    This is a good post. I completely agree with some of the points. I sometimes wish my family would make the effort to understand. Thanks.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 8, 2013 at 6:53 pm

      Its strange to me how people can carry on WITHOUT trying to understand. My husband – the one whos going through it hasnt ever even googled any of it…I couldnt do that. Thanlfully now his therapy is helping him understand it more xB

       
  5. behindthemaskofabuse

    June 8, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    This made me cry because although I’m female, I can relate to a lot of it. I think blogging is my escape.

    Thank you too this fellow blogger and yourself for posting this. xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 11, 2013 at 9:17 pm

      It made me cry too, not because I can relate to it personally but because I can relate it to my husband and start to understand whats going on. xB

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        June 11, 2013 at 10:21 pm

        What a gift then, I know you love him deeply and your heart breaks for his pain and yours in this. xo

         
  6. psychcare613

    June 9, 2013 at 4:53 am

    I wish, as a psychiatrist, I could be so
    lucid and personal. Keep doing it!

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      June 9, 2013 at 7:31 pm

      I wish psychiatrists were allowed to say this stuff to my husband lol xB

       
  7. Fat Bottom Girl

    June 11, 2013 at 8:03 pm

    His points are perfect!! Read over these every time you get discouraged!! 🙂

     

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