Watching Porn (Photo credit: WarzauWynn)
I have a confession….I watched porn the other week
*shock horror!*
For anyone who doesn’t know why this is world breaking news or worthy of a post… Well sod off now lol joking come back come back. It’s a long story… Which starts here for those who don’t already know it nut basically I hate porn, I always have and even more so since discovering my husbands “fondness” (dependence) of it.
My counsellor and I discussed this in a session recently and he asked the question which I have been asked many times before… Why? (he agreed there’s some nasty stuff out there etc and that given my current marital situation it’s understandable but…) why do I hate it? What is it that gets me so angry? Even before these issues in my marriage… Even before I met my husband what it is about porn that I don’t like?
It’s the one question guaranteed to upset me, it’s one that for years has made me leave the room when discussions are bought up, the question that always makes me feel like a prude… Like there’s something wrong with me seeing as the majority of people I know are fine with it… Have no problem with it or even watch it. Well I’m not a prude, I DO stuff in the bedroom, I’m open to trying new things… But maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s that in my mind your partner should be enough for you; that I should be enough for my partner… I’ve offered to watch it with my husband before.. With exs… Just to be turned down and then find them sneaking off to watch it alone (makes me sound great doesn’t it(!) ) in my mind I don’t think that porn should be necessary in a loving… Committed relationship.
***All you porn lovers about to jump in… Please remember these are MY views, MY opinions… MY blog. You can defend it all you like but – while appreciating other views etc I get it… I can understand it but that doesn’t mean I will EVER like it or agree with its existence.***
Back to my counsellor- he asked if I had watched any… Not since I was younger but it’s not hard to find really is it? He asked whether I would ever watch any again… Like I said I’ve tried but after being turned down porn now feels like “the other woman” somewhere I just don’t want to go. He asked what my mother thought about porn (trying to figure out the root) … I’ve never discussed porn with my mother.
So… I figured in the name of science… I’d watch some.
I went to a site I know well having added it to every porn blocker in the world… And straight away my stomach turned. GIFs of old women… Girls getting “gang banged” categories (with thumbnails) of “fatties” “pre teen” “cum shots” and a nice advert down the side saying “your wife will never find out” – yes she will!!
I closed the page feeling sick, the deceit… The sneakiness… The lies that I associate with porn *urgh* no wonder guys feel compelled to hide it when its suggested right there that most other men hide it from their significant others too.
I composed myself- deep breath- try again.
French Windows (Photo credit: antonella.beccaria)
I opted for “classic” porn, which I assumed to be typical man and woman… Come to fix your washing machine type porn. In this one a girl (yup she’s hot) is stood by some French windows (lovely house) in a slutty but innocent outfit (needs to stop shopping in the kids department) she looks into the camera whilst doing her thing (basically warming up) and yes I admit it it’s hot. I get it… She’s attractive, she’s got a great body and she’s confident… Then comes the guy who basically walks in and she gets to work and that’s when it gets weird (for me) again.
I’ve heard flatmates shagging before, I’ve even found myself trapped in a kitchen after some drunken flatmates decided to go at it in the hallway wrongly assuming the house was empty… I’ve heard my neighbours going at it to the point where I knew who had finished first… But I’ve never felt the need to sit and watch them! Or get off on it! Again, I get it to a point, you’re watching this person seducing YOU, they’re looking straight at the camera, straight at YOU but then someone else’s bits come into shot and your back to watching someone else…
All I kept thinking was how fake it all was, how loveless… How these girls (and guys) do this for money… They do this with different people all the time. I know there are precautions and regular check ups and stuff AND that there are a lot of promiscuous people out there – I’m no virgin- BUT still… It probably goes back to the loveless sex, the flatness of it… I wouldn’t want to think about my partner with anyone else…let alone multiples… I suppose I don’t like the thought of emotionless sex (ironically) and that thought turned me off instantly. Yeah she’s fit and all but you wouldn’t want to marry her would you? Would you want her to mother your kids? Would you want them finding out what she used to let men do to her for money? and as for mother and daughter porn or Granny bouncing around… Well… Eww. Where’s the self respect? There’s a massive lack of respect from anyone really where porn is concerned… Yeah they’re acting but still It just all seems a bit desperate to me.
I mean… By all means watch it for inspiration or to spice things up a bit but in my mind that’s as far as it should go… Where’s the romance? its so tacky…its so loveless…its so…fake. Fake boobs, fake hair… Fake orgasms! Yeah they look good but jeebus that’s high maintenance! I wouldn’t mind some fakeness… Here and there but the upkeep would be boring and expensive and overall it’s a standard that most of us “plain” girls can’t reach or shouldn’t have to! The fakeness gives people an ideal which is unachievable for most mere mortals, the fakeness of the sex…of the acts…the roughness…it makes sex a thing…it makes the people objects…there is no love making, there is no real passion….its all lust and a good hard… well you know. It takes the fun out of sex for people like me and turns it into a really boring competition, one that you are realistically never going to win because you’re fighting against something that is fantasy…it isn’t real!
A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Maybe it’s slight jealousy on my part because I don’t have what they do, I don’t have the money or the time… But even if I did I’d much rather spend it on something I would enjoy… Not to stroke the ideals of anyone else. Perhaps I envy their bodies…I’m sure they work hard to maintain that and good for them but to be honest I enjoy a good meal, I’d rather spend time with the people I love than spend hours at the gym and I would rather enjoy life in general than worry too much about looking amazing. I’m actually quite happy with the way I look – and I’m pretty sure a lot more people would feel the same if this ideal wasn’t drummed into every porn-atics mind…but even then… like with strippers… these girls are always going to look great because they’re always going to be replaced with younger models -and that annoys me lol. We literally have no choice but to age and to let nature take its toll, meanwhile the porn industry gets fresh meat all the time and reminds the viewers (or my husband) what they are missing. It makes me angry because while of course its good to take care of yourself and to take pride in your appearance (and I do) but porn is setting the bar so bloody high!
On top of that (no pun intended) there’s the rougher stuff, its actually upsetting to see; again I get rough stuff is fun every now and then (and with boundaries) but the things I’ve seen…. Its worrying. The thought of impressionable guys (or girls whatever) watching this stuff and assuming that the norm… its worrying. Its scary. Its fucking dangerous! The rough stuff AND the other stuff, people are seeing this without actually experiencing reality, they’re assuming real people act like this, look like this…LIKE this stuff… and its not true.
So after all of this what did I learn? What did I take away from it? I still hate it, I still don’t agree with it, it still makes me feel sick. Yeah maybe I could do with a bit more eye contact, confidence works… well in a normal situation which doesn’t involve MY husband it would anyway. I understand the appeal of it (if watched in moderation lol), I know the importance of knowing your own body and exploring yourself etc I get that sometimes you need to mix it up a bit and put the effort in, make sex fun…passionate…LOVING! I realise that men are more visual while women are able to use their imagination… but I still believe that -when in a relationship- all of that should be naturally done together, it should be an expression of your love for one another, your desire for one another…not an attempt to persuade your partner to choose you over porn.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
xBx
Related Articles
- “How Porn Has Destroyed My Generation” Guest Post by James Marchant, age 17. (thevenusenvy.wordpress.com)
- See ya later porn (garrettventry.wordpress.com)
- Ideology of the Porn Industry (abbey1836.wordpress.com)
- On Pornography (justindevere.wordpress.com)
- Porn (tacoslayer69.wordpress.com)
- Oompa-Loompa Porn…not what Roald Dahl intended. (pickleflix.wordpress.com)
- Pornography and Me (konnerdudley.com)
- Husband’s sex addiction fuelled by porn forced couple to split up (thesun.co.uk)
- Porn Parasite (riveradouthit.com)
- Advice to One Addicted to Porn (braggschurchofchrist.com)
Comfortably Numb 
beetleypete
June 12, 2013 at 9:45 am
In your intelligent and detailed examination of the ‘Porn Market’ B, you have identified some important points; ‘Emotionless’, ‘Loveless Sex’, ‘Women lacking self-respect’. This is part of the appeal for many porn-watchers, at least those who need to watch it regularly. They want to imagine casual sex on demand, devoid of commitment and involvement, in a world where attractive young women give themselves immediately, and without courtship, or affection.
As for the other side of the coin, the older women, the so-called Grannies and Mums, or the ‘fake teens’ this is a substitute for the ‘real’ sex that they might actually get, the imagined ‘grateful’ women, who give themselves to younger men from frustration, or to older men from desire, but again without the need for companionship, or having to have a ‘girlfriend’.
From a male perspective, Porn is also unattractive to me, when it portrays so-called ‘straight’ sex. I do not find bizarrely taught balloon breasts attractive, or silicon implanted lips and bums either. There is also the fact that some of us can feel marginalised, even intimidated, by the men in the Porn Industry. Huge cocks waving around like French loaves, six-pack abdomens, and performing like steam engines, with relentless pumping, followed by fountains of Cum.
The outcome is to portray an unrealistic sexual experience, that few of us, male or female, can ever hope to emulate. Women are treated as little more that willing, rampant sluts, human toilets for male use. I do not find this appealing, though many must do, as the industry is massive. I used to subscribe to the theory that porn is a release for the lonely, and served some sort of ‘behind the curtains’ social service. As the years pass, this is becoming less true. It is striving for ever more unrealistic scenarios; bondage, imprisonment, kidnap, incest, and forced sex, are all becoming disturbingly common themes. The Internet has exploded the possibilities beyond any level that was ever possible, on Super 8 film, VHS, or DVD.
They have created a monster, and one that will eventually escape from the attic.
As ever, Pete. X
beetleypete
June 12, 2013 at 3:23 pm
That should be ‘taut’ by the way. x
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 1:24 pm
Very good points here Pete, Its funny, When I wrote this post I limited the grim words with people like you in mind – like trying to explain all this to a parent…but I see I need not have worried too much with all your ‘sluts’ and ‘french loaves’ and ‘cum’ ha ha I think we crossed a barrier here Pete, I’m alright with that lol 🙂 They HAVE created a monster. Again…SOME of it…I get and for single people etc fair enough but there are lines and unfortunately those lines get crossed a little too often for my liking xB
beetleypete
June 13, 2013 at 11:47 pm
You never have to hold back with me B.- South London! As ever, Pete. X
Comfortably Numb
June 14, 2013 at 4:13 pm
ha ha dont I know it now 🙂 BTW my email is being annoying and just pretending to send so if you get 16 replies all at once then…deal with it lol. also I got a weird one from you the other day so might want to change passwords etc xB
Charles Yallowitz
June 12, 2013 at 10:37 am
You kind of lost me (and my breakfast) at the grannie sex post.
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 1:24 pm
ha ha *yuck*
Olivia Stocum
June 12, 2013 at 10:45 am
I HATE porn. This is why. While I am FAR from a prude. IN fact I LOVE sex. With my husband. As often as possible. But I also believe sex is sacred and it isn’t something people should be paid to do in a video!
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 1:24 pm
Ditto! I’m glad someone understands how I feel about it xB
LindaGHill
June 12, 2013 at 11:23 am
It’s our kids I worry about the most. Who needs sex ed at school when there’s the internet?
I don’t mind porn. I’ve watched it as a couple with my ex. It is because it’s so unrealistic that I didn’t feel intimidated by the shape of the women… but at the same time I wasn’t happy when he would rather watch it than come to bed at night.
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 1:28 pm
Definitely. It IS worrying and like you in the past I was open to watching it occasionally but it gets tainted even more by the lies and secrecy which surround it, the addictiveness, all the badness which CAN come with it…in my experience -and again its just MY experience…it has damaged relationships and ruined self esteem – for more than just me xB
WyndyDee
June 12, 2013 at 12:05 pm
I so agree with your take. It was well said, well thought out and informative! Yuck…grannies? Really? Just no.
It isn’t something I enjoy watching either and there was a time when I was intimidated by it in our marriage years ago. I hate the idea of him looking at who I’ll never be! Good thing is, I’m confident in our marriage and overcome the fact that he loves me for me and doesn’t compare me to those “perfect” people. He does know it bugs the hell out of me, and doesn’t go there anymore, but occasionally it’ll be on in the bedroom on late night cable when I come to bed. He’s respectful to turn it off if asked, sometimes I’ll watch with him a few and shake my head and say ‘really’ or ‘how is that possible for us mere mortals’ and we laugh and turn it off. Let me say its taken years of anger, disgust, heartache and trust to come to terms with porn and the realization it’s too readily available, and it has to be openly addressed and often! I have 2 boys and they went through their phase, too, but we kept the topic open and really worked on their understanding of its not real, “real girls” they date are not gonna just “walk up and go down” so don’t expect it and don’t push it and always be respectful to her and her signals. I worry this is why so many young girls have sex so early (and boys) but girls need the emotional connection and boys who watch a lot of porn do not associate love, tenderness or monogamy with sex anymore and leave young, confused and hurt girls in their wake who end up distrusting men and hate sex or overuse it. It’s a fine line. I wish it wasn’t being crossed so often.
Anyway, all that to say…yeah, my heart wouldn’t break if porn fell off the face of the earth. 😉
How the heck is my Beth?! I’m sorry I’ve been in my cave too much! Love you!
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 1:35 pm
Thank you Wyndy, Its good that you are confident and feel secure in your marriage – Im sure you understand why I do not feel the same way
-I wish i did! It IS about respect, which again annoys me because my husband hasnt shown that up till now as far as porn is concerned, In my eyes respect…well it should be in any relationship…a human right! Its everywhere, Its tempting and while I dont see the appeal I know how hard it is for people to resist. Its good that you have addressed it with your boys, I think as long as this industry is harming we need to keep protecting and explaining to those whom are impressionable 
Its encouraging to know that one day I could get over my issue and feel more confident about myself. 🙂 xB
WyndyDee
June 13, 2013 at 1:58 pm
You can and will! And he will too. I was too positive about the end result and didn’t mention it was a struggle! And don’t think there aren’t days it still can get to me…or I feel icky and something will get said or whatever, but in the big picture, we’ve come to terms with it. Your man seems to be trying and y’all will get through it, I have faith in you and because it is so personal and intimate, you’ll have a strong and loving marriage. It’s not easy in the beginning…I cried and got mad and felt like a failure and he was cheating…but I was part of that too. I have those porn floozies far too much power!
Hope all is well! Keep fighting, it’s worth it!
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 2:02 pm
Thanks Wyndy, Youre right, All is well, we are fighting on xB
Fat Bottom Girl
June 12, 2013 at 12:59 pm
I figure to each his own. Do I love porn? No, not really, but I will watch it occasionally. I don’t like hard-core stuff, but some of the soft-core stuff is okay. Do I get jealous when my boyfriend watches without me?? No, I don’t. Men are visual creatures, so it’s natural for them to want to watch some porn. Can they go over the top? Yes, they can, and become addicted to it, just like anything else.
Truthfully though, I almost gag when I hear someone use the term “make love”. Can sex be a way to show someone you care about them? Yes, I believe it can. But sex is a very animalistic, primal urge that I believe many people try to intertwine too many “feelings” into. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in monogamy and commitment! I just think always associating feelings with sex is a very slippery slope.
These are just my opinions, and probably won’t be very popular with some on the other commenters. I could go on for hours about this topic though.
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 1:42 pm
Not a bad thing to go for hours 😉 well…maybe it is lol. You should know by now that you can it me with whatever opinion you have and I am always going to appreciate it, I’ll give my view in return of course 😉
I’m with you on the ‘making love’ thing that specific term anyway but I do believe in the emotion and the connection that comes with sex. Yes there are one night stands, theres lust, theres experimenting etc outside of a relationship but having been there and done it its not nearly as great (for me) to be doing it with someone i emotionally care about. It builds trust, the relationship, it doesnt mean it has to be boring as I’m sure you know, you can role play, experiment and do all the rest whilst with someone you love and trust and are confident with and again in my experience thats been the best…I would NOT have married him otherwise and thats a fact.
In the past I didnt have so much of an issue with porn, I have watched it before but I have also seen what it does to people and relationships, Ive been flat out lied to when it comes to porn so in my head porn is more often than not the equivilent of the other woman or the mistress. I suppose its like a trigger for me thanks to past experiences, like my personal grudge against it, rather than making ammends (again) I’ve learnt to just stay away from it and protect myself from it xB
Fat Bottom Girl
June 13, 2013 at 4:16 pm
I agree that sex with someone you care about is better than sex without any feelings for the person. Also, your comfort level with someone is very important. And it does seem as though you feel like porn, as far as your husband is concerned, is like a mistress. Porn isn’t tangible, though. It’s kind of like being with an alcoholic/drug addict and being mad at the alcohol of drug; it relieves the person of any responsibility and give the alcohol/drug/porn all of the power. Make sense?
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 5:12 pm
Yeah yeah totally it does, its not porns fault lol but hes by no means off the hook either lol.
like with an affair, youre always going to take it out on the girl too…even if she knew nothing about your relationship, it deflects from wondering where you went wrong, what YOU did, it places the blame on another person that isnt you…
but with this, this isnt my fault, this was going on before I came along, he lied about it, porn is his drug of choice.
If he WERE an alcoholic I would hide the vodka too, I would curse the stuff for playing a part in ruining our marriage…just as I do porn. And if a relationship with an alcoholic broke down because of my partners weakness, because of the temptation of alcohol…Im pretty sure I would still feel the same about it in the future and be weary about it with next relationships, I would want to avoid being in that situation again, avoid getting hurt by it…just like i do with porn xB
Fat Bottom Girl
June 13, 2013 at 5:29 pm
Here’s the thing though, you can’t hide the vodka. Whatever his drug of choice, he’s going to get it if he wants it, and trying to control all the situations and temptations only makes you sick. I’m not trying to be preachy here, just trying to let you know you need to alleviate yourself of some of the control and the need to be responsible for his decisions. It isn’t your fault, and you did nothing
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 5:32 pm
Oh yeah I know that too, I’ve calmed a lot with hiding laptops and stuff, i’ve got on with my own life and stopped trying to cock block him, but that doesnt change my mind about porn in the slightest xB
Doggy's Style
June 12, 2013 at 1:14 pm
I’ve watched all the kinds of porn there are (legal porn that is).
Growing up I was very curious, as most guys, but then when the “I gotta hide from my parents” period passed, my friends and I would watch porn over dinner or get together, we would look for the funny kind of porn and laugh. Since then porn doesn’t have any “aphrodisiac” effet on me, that much moaning and over acting, doesn’t do it for. It’s too fake, as you said it lacks emotion.
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 1:44 pm
I agree, I once watched ‘animal farm’ with a group of boys…I dont know how or why they had it but it was grim and even then I sat thinking how sad and degrading it was for the women – and animals- involved (written with a turned up nose like theres a bad smell) I dont think I could have kept my food down whilst watching that! 😉
John W. Howell
June 12, 2013 at 7:28 pm
I think you said it very well…fake….but again so are the special effects in movies. I think each person needs to make their own way on the subject of porn. If a partner has a negative opinion of porn then it seems to me it should be a non issue in the relationship
Comfortably Numb
June 13, 2013 at 1:47 pm
Thanks John, good point about the movies – but then I’m not really a huge fan of action/sci fi films either ha ha I agree, everyone is always going to have an opinion, like Ive said I get it, I can understand it, its just not for me…each to their own.xxB
Eden Mabee
June 21, 2013 at 12:02 am
I don’t like or enjoy most porn. I don’t hate it. Most of the time it bores me.
Thing is, I realize that people are always selling their bodies to someone else. Money or time or other benefits… So I drop the word selling out of the equation because I don’t like to think of the people I care about selling themselves for the almighty dollar–even if my husband does have a contract with his employer and he gets his weekends off and bank holidays and they gave him a computer and iPhone so he can telecommute for the meeting; even if my grandfather’s “employers” were simply asking for fresher vegetables at the market and that meant he had to spend more time in the fields….
The stunt double for your favorite action film? They risk their lives and bodies most days on the job. They are pretty damned emotionless at what they do–nerves could get them killed.
And very few of us will every look like the stars of most movies. A shirtless scene with the hunky star of a drama? The “girls getting dressed up for the big party” scene? Soft-core porn for some people.
I guess I think you’re giving porn too much credit… and too much power, Beth. Now I know I’m not a regular here (I actually only found you through GreenEmbers post about Amazon), and I agree… being lied to stinks.
But to go up to your comparison of porn to alcohol that you discussed with Fat Bottom Girl… having had several family members who’d died from alcohol addiction (one when we were both eighteen years old, another just last year in his early 50s, and…*stops self*), I can’t say the comparison is the same. Granted, it is in the sense that the addict will find a way to to satisfy his/her craving, but I’m not sure the biochemical damage is remotely similar or as likely to send a person careening into a brick wall on a motorcycle, or to make one stagger out night after night to wander roads in search of half-finished beer bottles that college partiers might have tossed from car windows…
Thing is… the addiction isn’t usually the problem itself, at least early on. It’s a symptom. You say your husband has PSTD (and he well and truly may given what you’ve posted). That needs to be dealt with before the addiction can be cured. And even then… You may have an uphill battle still on your hand for taking away a private comfort.
I just wonder if perhaps you might be adding more suffering to both yourselves with your intense dislike of something most everyone does to lesser or greater degrees.
Comfortably Numb
June 21, 2013 at 11:04 am
Thank you for your comment, Perhaps youre right, maybe I do give porn too much credit – but it still doesn’t make me LIKE it at all lol. To be honest I don’t think I am adding anything to it, it’s my opinion, I disliked it before I met my husband – he’s added to that dislike and consequently it can now stay as far away from me as possible lol.
As for the comparison, I have and have known family members etc who have been ruled by the bottle…or by drugs, the lies, the deciet, the desperation, the mindset…it’s all the same as my husbands from my experience. No porn may not kill you like alcohol will, but if used excessively for years on end it WILL damage you one way or another. Be it physically, mentally, socially…. even more so when mental health issues are involved. There are always differences, always extremes always variations, some may have the self control to watch porn every now and then and fair enough, each to their own, whatever floats their boat etc. Its just not for me. And when that ‘every now and then’ becomes every day, sneaking off, lying…its not healthy – especially in a marriage.
Like you said, maybe I’m giving it too much credit, but when something has added negativity to MY marriage and damaged MY self worth then I don’t have any time for it (as I’m sure you can apreciate) Things damage you, you learn from past experiences, you avoid people and situations to protect yourself – and thats what I have done.
My husband IS getting help, he is addressing the real issues and I’m so very proud of him :). I’m very aware that the addiction etc is part and parcel and due to deeper things but it still doesn’t make it OK, if his drug of choice, his comfort was heroin I wouldn’t let him do that would I? lol I may have an uphill battle because of it but I’m not about to give up. I have sacrificed a lot by staying with him thus far but I have given him MY terms for staying. I understand it, I am learning more about him and what he is going through, I am supporting him as best I can. We are making progress, we are building trust.
Porn is the one thing I am not going to stand by, its the one thing I have put my foot down on.
Its me or the porn, he knows this – he’s apparently chosen me.
Regardless I am never going to ‘like’ porn because past experience has taught me to avoid it. I associate porn with bad things, relationship breakdowns, secrets, lies…everything I have said above.
Thank you again, I apreciate your opinions
xB