RSS

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

05 Jul
Deep Breath

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.

stress

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

WELCOME TO MY WORLD (Photo credit: FUNKYAH)

He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued

xBx

Advertisements
 
 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

11 responses to “Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

  1. Olivia Stocum

    July 5, 2013 at 11:41 am

    Um… yeah. Not sure I like that counselor. We went to a counselor, but she was a Christian Counselor and had different ideas about stuff. And besides WE have been told (by outsiders) that we need to change things (that worked for us) just because we were being different. Um…. why rock the boat when it’s WORKING! I was told I should stop letting my husband touch me in public (seriously, just talking about a tap on the bottom here and there, and I like it). I was told that he was disrespecting me by doing that. I let myself get all worked up and then one day I let him have it and told him not to touch me like that in front of other people. Well…. the hurt/stunned look on his face broke my heart. And I NEVER scolded him for it again.

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      July 6, 2013 at 3:58 pm

      No, her suggestion threw me a bit :/ however I spoke to my newbie about it and she had some thoughts on it (ill do a full post eventually lol) xB

       
      • Olivia Stocum

        July 6, 2013 at 4:35 pm

        Can’t wait to read it.

         
  2. beetleypete

    July 5, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    I started to agree with Olivia, and then had a re-think. The trouble with individual therapists, is that they are going to support their ‘client’, and not necessarily urge them to do ‘the right thing’. Maybe joint therapy is the way forward?
    Anyway, you continue to have me hooked on this tale B, especially with the ‘tied to the rails’ finish! Part of me wants to see it all as a great story, frankly told, no holds barred. However, I am well aware what it must be doing inside, and the huge toll it is taking on your emotional well-being.
    As ever, Pete. X

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      July 6, 2013 at 4:01 pm

      It’s definitely taking something pete lol so far I’m still hanging in there – I just have to remind myself that it will be worth it one way or another in the long run and that the low bits won’t stay low forever xB

       
  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    July 6, 2013 at 4:08 am

    I”m so ticked at his therapist for telling him to do that. What is she thinking. I know I wasn’t there and don’t know the full context, but the way I would feel if it were my Hubby in there being encouraged to do that, I would feel like his therapist just told him to cheat on me an hurt me.

    I am however glad you’re Hubby let you in some and is respecting you buy not doing it and disagreeing with her. xo

     
    • Comfortably Numb

      July 6, 2013 at 4:06 pm

      I know people have their own views on what’s ok and what’s not but I’m definitely happy that you get where I’m coming from lol in my mind she may as well have said to an alcoholic “oh so the only relief you get is from doing straight shots of whisky?… Well drink then if it makes you feel better… Fuck what your wife thinks” I mean what if he had said the only time he feels anything is when he murders someone? Oh go for it… You only get a thrill from shagging other women? Do it… It’s for you…

      However I do have a theory on this so ill post about that when I get some time xB

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        July 6, 2013 at 5:14 pm

        that’s how it felt to me when i read this, it will be interesting to hear what you have to say!!

         
    • Comfortably Numb

      July 6, 2013 at 4:06 pm

      And more importantly … He said no 🙂

       

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
wePoets Show It

an interactive community that showcases art in all forms

Rambles, writing and amusing musings

Smile! laugh out loud! enjoy the following

Radiant Hope

Those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like wings on eagles, they will run and not grow weary.

I'M A HAUTE MESS

If you're a mess, at least be haute.

The MisAdventures of Vanilla

Mom, Activist, and Stripper

omg he said what?

My boyfriend may be an idiot, but I love him anyway

The Community Storyboard

Where creativity meets community

Michael Bradley - Time Traveler

The official website of Michael Bradley - Author of novels, short stories and poetry involving the past, future, and what may have been.

Wobble a Jelly

Start the movement

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

georgeforfun

Welcome to George's world, no invitation needed, feel at home

The Girl with Twine in Her Bag

My six-word memoir: Can it be four?

Bizarre World News

Bizarre News From Around the World

Rome Construction Crew

Rome wasn't built in a day and not by one person

Emotional Affair? It Almost Destroyed My Marriage!

Emotional affairs; also called affairs of the heart. Let's define the severity of the term. It can destroy your marriage or relationship. What is it? There are a few words to describe it. Affair. Infidelity. Cheating. But the biggest word which sums it all up is....BETRAYAL!

Dehypnotize

The Key To Effective Communicating

Therapy nut loops.

In the client's chair

%d bloggers like this: