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Category Archives: Isn’t it ironic?

Weekly Writing Challenge: 21st Century Love is…Dangerous

Relationship Status Update

Relationship Status Update (Photo credit: joelaz)

I have had an ‘isn’t it ironic’ post floating around my head about how we first got together, how we talked about everything and anything…how we got to know each other inside out…how we talked about our pasts, honesty, trust! Anyone whom knows my situation will see the irony in that alone SO…apologies for the negativity (and rambling) but this weeks writing challenge seemed like the perfect place to do it.

21st Century love is instant. It’s fast, its varied, it’s easy… But it’s also dangerous. It feels safer pouring your heart out from a distance, being braver than you would in real life but it also feels that way for whomever you’re talking to; while hiding behind a screen can protect you physically, it doesn’t stop you getting hurt emotionally.

If I had written this 6 months ago I probably would have swooned about the night we met and how it definitely wasn’t love at first sight.

I’d have cringed at the memory of getting his name wrong within minutes of him telling me what it was and how we parted ways thinking nothing more pf each other. I would have smiled thinking about how we got talking a day or so later; about how we fell in love with each others personalities before anything else – because we had spent an entire month talking for hours every day (and every night and every chance we could in between) before eventually meeting face to face again.

I would have reminisced about how we really got to know each other inside out during those talks and how great it felt to have someone who liked me for me… Rather than what they could get from me physically. How we would stay up till silly hours just talking on the phone about anything until our ears were hot. How my heart skipped a beat each time my phone vibrated with a new message from him and how I would look my best from the waist up for our video calls but would often get busted when the camera tipped to reveal my pyjama bottoms and fluffy slippers…but it didn’t matter to him.

I would have marvelled at the fact that I felt like I knew everything there was to know about him because all outside factors were removed, no date nights, no low cut tops… Just me and him talking about our lives- past and present, our wants for the future, our fears and secrets.

I would have raved about the power of the Internet -in particular Facebook chat which then progressed to Skype– and how it managed to connect 2 people (whom were a mere 77miles apart) in more ways than just the literal sense. It allowed us to be together, to talk, to hear…to see each other despite the physical distance. It provided comfort, excitement…But overall it produced love.

BUT

This isn’t 6 months ago… And now I know what those fond memories of mine really are… I know the truth behind the story of how “we” came to be. I know that all of those heart to hearts, all of those deep and meaningfuls… all of that “connecting”  was just an act. It was pretend, a virtual reality… perfect on screen but not much good in practice.

It was done for my benefit as well as his own with no intention to be malicious…but it still hurt in the long run and it was executed brilliantly. I mean acting and lying over a text is so much easier than face to face isn’t it? Which is the ironic thing in this…because I would store those texts, those emails, that chat thread. I would cherish them, I would re-read them if ever we couldn’t get time to talk to each other. I would use them to comfort me when I had a bad day, to encourage me when doubtful of the path ahead… To make me smile when I had nothing else to smile about. They were my modern day love letters – sent and received within seconds AND saving paper 😉 The written text felt so much stronger than just hearing it, more solid… So real!

But they weren’t, none of them were. They were just words formed in a way that he thought would have the greatest impact. Copied from past conversations, heard from TV shows, mimicked for years. Just words from someone who was hiding behind a screen. Like a firewall or an antivirus protecting himself; Testing it’s perimeter and managing to block out any threats… Until one slips through and the whole system fails. Well fuck the system, I’ve slipped through and I’m not going anywhere. I’ve thought about how easy it would be to just hit ‘delete’ on all of those cherished ‘love notes’, the ohotos of us… but I can’t. I don’t want to, it would take seconds to delete them all but I’m sure I would regret it just as quickly. I don’t want to delete parts of our past…even if they weren’t real for him…they were and are real for me.

21st century love is being able to store virtual  memories on an external hard drive, deleting the rubbish and rebooting the system so that when the day comes for you to look back at them- they are safe, protected and unharmed. A perfectly edited version of you…of your past…just the way you want to remember them.

xBx

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Isn’t it Ironic? Wish you were here

“Wish You Were Here”

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

The second time I met my husband was a month after our first meeting, we had spent the time in between talking constantly, texting, messaging, skyping, calling…getting to know each other inside out. we fell in love during those conversations – without actually saying it- we missed each other terribly and couldn’t wait to see each other again…so understandably the next time we met we were both anxious about whether our feelings would grow on a physical level too. They did, we spent the night with friends, meeting people, having fun; we were finally able to touch each other, to hold each other…. That night was amazing but of course before we knew it it was time to part ways again for another few weeks.

A friend of ours was strumming away on his guitar and began to play ‘wish you were here’. he played (and sang) it beautifully. high on emotions the song highlighted that even more and from that point onwards it became our song.

We had it at our wedding ceremony to play us out, I made table decorations from the sheet music, I would listen to it whenever I missed him, he learned to play it on the guitar…I had ‘wish you were here’ engraved on his wedding ring, written on my wedding shoes…the song and that line meant so much to us … but now…when I read/hear the lyrics they take a different meaning.

Wish YOU were here… I do! I wish HE was here, that person I fell in love with, the person I thought I was marrying…but he’s not and the chances are HE will never be here again…and god that hurts! The lyrics seem to taunt me… so you think you can tell? Can you? Can you tell its all bullshit?? Can you tell the difference between the real me and the mask i wear? can you? really?? …NO! I couldn’t!

‘We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.’

Two lost souls…I think I may change my tagline to that because it sums us up perfectly right now, its what we are – lost. Going round and round, trying to figure this out, trying to find ourselves…trying to find each other

HOPEFULLY it wont be long till we find HIM…the real him and no he won’t be the same, WE wont be the same but I can get to know him, I can fall in love with him all over again; I cant wait for that to happen, I cant wait to be with him again and I am positive about the future… but some days this dull, nagging ache in my heart just wont leave and I realise its because I just miss us too much…I miss HIM too much; I wish HE was here :/

xBx

 
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Posted by on June 14, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?

 

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Isn’t it ironic? The Kill

Believe it or not things at home are going much better – aside from my anxiety mentioned here– but I thought I would share another ‘isn’t it ironic?’ post with you…its from the past which I dont like delving into on good days but I feel I need to air it…allow myself to get it out etc

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn’t take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I’m not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break…?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I’m not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

I first heard this song many years ago on the bus to school – at the time thanks to the crackling stereo and buzz of activity I misheard the lyrics as “marry me marry me” and instantly fell in love with the tune, the emotion… The power of it. For years I Googled “marry me marry me” but of course – seeing as these weren’t the lyrics I had no luck.

Over the years I suffered from depression, multiple overdoses, bad relationships and just shit times in general… But eventually I overcame them. After my last bad break-up (along with health problems) I was having a girly night in when THAT song came on one of the music channels …I saw Jared and fell in love all over again… With the song AND the beautiful beautiful man and it quickly became my favourite song EVER.

Its Powerful, I saw the positives in the lyrics…  ”This is who I really am inside… Finally found myself..’ he’s turned the song around and he’s overcome the rest of it… Just like I had done. There’s no point pretending or trying… Be yourself…cause you’ll end up breaking in the end so you may as well be true to yourself no matter what.

For years it still stuck as my favourite song ever…the type of song you would hear at any time ..any place and belt it out loudly (regardless of whether it was in tune or not) it was a song that gave me THAT feeling that only your favourite song could.

We even considered a slow version for our wedding…(there are some BEAUTIFUL slow versions of it which i listened to for hours to try and pick a fave) the focus being on the over coming…the realisation that after all the shit THIS is who i am…you make me who i am…you complete me…YOU love me as I am…However after needing to explain this to the few guests who were actually going to be there on the day we decided against it…bury me on your wedding day? ok fair enough…lets stick with the Jackson 5 then.

A few days after hubby dropped his bombshell (posted here if anyone missed it) i was driving home…completely numb and of course EVERY song on the radio had some kind of connection to our situation…. ‘end of the road‘...’tell me lies tell me sweet little lies…’ maybe not THOSE songs but still the same ironic shit…song after song after song. At the time i honestly felt like i was being set up on some hidden camera show or something. Anyway, sick of that I whacked on 30 Seconds to Mars and instantly I felt better.

I sang…LOUDLY…finally allowing some feeling to come back…but then i got to THAT line…

‘I tried to be someone else…but nothing seemed to change i know now this is who i REALLY am inside…finally found myself ;Fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I really am’ and the louder i sang the harder I cried (even writing this at least 2 months later it still makes me well up thinking about it)

*BAM*

There is was…in MY song…in MY favourite line…the truth…The irony… as if my husband had written it and sang it to me… he’s tried to be someone else, that didn’t work, he’s really really tried…but THIS is who he really is inside.

After i got home i sobbed…SO hard, another thing that was special to me had been tainted…taken away from me forever by him. The song that made me happy, the power that i would feel when i sang it…the line that meant so much to me and summed up my past has now taken on an entirely different meaning.

I cant sing that song anymore; it took a while before i could even hear it without sobbing…and now i can just about do that…I still love it…it still gives me THAT feeling…but i don’t think I’ll ever be able to sing it again.

Isn’t it funny how certain songs hold a certain meaning?

xBx

 
19 Comments

Posted by on May 26, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?

 

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Isn’t it ironic….

“Ironic”

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It’s a black fly in your Chardonnay
It’s a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

It’s like rain on your wedding day
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take
Who would’ve thought… it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
“Well isn’t this nice…”
And isn’t it ironic… don’t you think

It’s like rain on your wedding day
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take
Who would’ve thought… it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you’re already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It’s meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn’t it ironic…don’t you think
A little too ironic…and, yeah, I really do think…

It’s like rain on your wedding day
It’s a free ride when you’ve already paid
It’s the good advice that you just didn’t take
Who would’ve thought… it figures

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

The first time I visited my dad (in America) after 9/11 I was anxious…as you can imagine. I was flying alone – which was nerve-wracking and exciting in its own right…but to have the extra security, all the reminders of potential risks from start to finish made it even more intense.

Once on board, headphones in; I took my mind off it with the random advertisements playing on the individual screen in the head-rest in front of me. It was comforting to hear familiar songs etc one of which was ‘ironic’ by Alanis Morissette (see video)

As the song progressed I noticed people around me singing along too, its hard not to really…but when the time came for the line ‘and when the plane crashed down…’ they muted it!!…leaving Alanis mouthing the words while the rest of the cabin sang it aloud…now THAT’S ironic…don’t you think? (see what I did there?)

A bunch of shit scared passengers singing a line that the airline decided to mute -obviously to prevent people from thinking about it…thus highlighting it even more! I mean…why even play that song on an aeroplane if you’re going to mute it??

This memory has stuck with me for years (even more than the rest of the trip) and more than ever lately as I’ve found myself surrounded by irony. Songs from our wedding day with poignant lines that I knew were there …lines that I liked…but didn’t realise the relevance -the irony- until hearing them again now. A misprint in something sentimental I’ve looked at every day for the last year…yet only noticed now. A broken item… found under the bed…the list goes on …some of them are actually laughable.

I’ve been trying not to focus on the negatives but these things…these little ironies have been swimming around my mind for weeks now…meaning I cant move forward until I’ve got them off my chest and written down….

SO its about time I got them out…which I feel calls for a whole new category (any excuse to post some of my favourite songs lol)

Isn’t it ironic?

xBx

 
17 Comments

Posted by on May 14, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?

 

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