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Weekly Writing Challenge: 21st Century Love is…Dangerous

Relationship Status Update

Relationship Status Update (Photo credit: joelaz)

I have had an ‘isn’t it ironic’ post floating around my head about how we first got together, how we talked about everything and anything…how we got to know each other inside out…how we talked about our pasts, honesty, trust! Anyone whom knows my situation will see the irony in that alone SO…apologies for the negativity (and rambling) but this weeks writing challenge seemed like the perfect place to do it.

21st Century love is instant. It’s fast, its varied, it’s easy… But it’s also dangerous. It feels safer pouring your heart out from a distance, being braver than you would in real life but it also feels that way for whomever you’re talking to; while hiding behind a screen can protect you physically, it doesn’t stop you getting hurt emotionally.

If I had written this 6 months ago I probably would have swooned about the night we met and how it definitely wasn’t love at first sight.

I’d have cringed at the memory of getting his name wrong within minutes of him telling me what it was and how we parted ways thinking nothing more pf each other. I would have smiled thinking about how we got talking a day or so later; about how we fell in love with each others personalities before anything else – because we had spent an entire month talking for hours every day (and every night and every chance we could in between) before eventually meeting face to face again.

I would have reminisced about how we really got to know each other inside out during those talks and how great it felt to have someone who liked me for me… Rather than what they could get from me physically. How we would stay up till silly hours just talking on the phone about anything until our ears were hot. How my heart skipped a beat each time my phone vibrated with a new message from him and how I would look my best from the waist up for our video calls but would often get busted when the camera tipped to reveal my pyjama bottoms and fluffy slippers…but it didn’t matter to him.

I would have marvelled at the fact that I felt like I knew everything there was to know about him because all outside factors were removed, no date nights, no low cut tops… Just me and him talking about our lives- past and present, our wants for the future, our fears and secrets.

I would have raved about the power of the Internet -in particular Facebook chat which then progressed to Skype– and how it managed to connect 2 people (whom were a mere 77miles apart) in more ways than just the literal sense. It allowed us to be together, to talk, to hear…to see each other despite the physical distance. It provided comfort, excitement…But overall it produced love.

BUT

This isn’t 6 months ago… And now I know what those fond memories of mine really are… I know the truth behind the story of how “we” came to be. I know that all of those heart to hearts, all of those deep and meaningfuls… all of that “connecting”  was just an act. It was pretend, a virtual reality… perfect on screen but not much good in practice.

It was done for my benefit as well as his own with no intention to be malicious…but it still hurt in the long run and it was executed brilliantly. I mean acting and lying over a text is so much easier than face to face isn’t it? Which is the ironic thing in this…because I would store those texts, those emails, that chat thread. I would cherish them, I would re-read them if ever we couldn’t get time to talk to each other. I would use them to comfort me when I had a bad day, to encourage me when doubtful of the path ahead… To make me smile when I had nothing else to smile about. They were my modern day love letters – sent and received within seconds AND saving paper 😉 The written text felt so much stronger than just hearing it, more solid… So real!

But they weren’t, none of them were. They were just words formed in a way that he thought would have the greatest impact. Copied from past conversations, heard from TV shows, mimicked for years. Just words from someone who was hiding behind a screen. Like a firewall or an antivirus protecting himself; Testing it’s perimeter and managing to block out any threats… Until one slips through and the whole system fails. Well fuck the system, I’ve slipped through and I’m not going anywhere. I’ve thought about how easy it would be to just hit ‘delete’ on all of those cherished ‘love notes’, the ohotos of us… but I can’t. I don’t want to, it would take seconds to delete them all but I’m sure I would regret it just as quickly. I don’t want to delete parts of our past…even if they weren’t real for him…they were and are real for me.

21st century love is being able to store virtual  memories on an external hard drive, deleting the rubbish and rebooting the system so that when the day comes for you to look back at them- they are safe, protected and unharmed. A perfectly edited version of you…of your past…just the way you want to remember them.

xBx

 

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Therapy : The Oxygen Mask

Concepts in Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis

Concepts in Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I recently met my husbands therapist for the first time. We ended up staying for an extra hour and in those 2 hours I learned so much. There’s a lot of ‘she said’ and numbers involved in this post so apologies if I lose a few of you – a few times throughout lol.

Let me say that due to the nature of this post, this topic…this situation… I’m obviously not going to go into detail of anything that isn’t mine to share so any examples used are purely fabricated for the purpose of… Well giving an example basically lol

The first thing she did was explain all the transactional analysis stuff – which I’ve posted about here– but explained it so it made sense and was relevant to us. The bottom line is that my husband is REALLY hard on himself, maybe not out loud but he is nonetheless. I realised he had low self esteem on some level but I never knew quite the extent of it. For example spilling a drink… To me that’s nothing but for him he hates himself for it – all due to childhood.

She explained that he knows he NEEDS to change but some things he doesn’t necessarily WANT to… Not yet anyway. The reason he NEEDS to change… the reason he wants to WANT to change is to stay with me. He’s doing this for us because he knows that I cant live like this forever. (sounds like I’m a bitch but I need to look out for me too and basically he doesn’t want to lose me) She told me that it would be a long road but he has made so much progress already and I should be proud (I am) and that the trick is to make HIM feel proud of himself too.

She told me that some of his secrets, the things he doesn’t tell me aren’t necessarily BAD, it’s more that he finds hard to tell me because he’s kept them close for years, they’re his good memories and he wants to keep them and needs to learn that he CAN tell them without bad repercussions. I suppose in childhood he learnt (subconsciously) that if he didn’t tell then he couldn’t get in trouble etc so instead he kept everything to himself.

She then used the example of rating each “secret” on a scale of difficulty, 1 being ‘without MUCH effort’ (though for him that’s still a lot) and 10 being ‘wouldn’t tell a soul’. She asked me to give examples of a 1 – which I found difficult in itself as there’s not much I DONT find easy to disclose. So Instead I chose a 2… ‘My mum and dad split when I was nine and he has lived in America ever since’ That statement – for me- has been said so often that now it’s just another fact. I don’t LIKE that fact, I don’t LIKE the ‘awwws’ and the questions that follow but I find it relatively easy to tell. On my husbands scale that would be a ‘7’.

I was then asked to give an example (not necessarily true) of a 10 in my mind. I honestly could not think of anything of my own bad enough to be rated a 10. I mean telling someone their family member just died etc that’s pretty hard but that’s not MY secret is it? The therapist stepped in and said she would find it quite hard to think of one too but maybe if she had cheated on her husband then telling him would be a 10. I have to be honest here…I disagree…and that’s made me question whether I’m just too brutal/blunt/open….THAT for me would be a ‘7’ yes it would be hard but surely if I had cheated in the first place I wouldn’t find it that hard to hurt him anyway.

ANYWAY, seeing as my 2 (pretty easy) was the equivalent of his 7 (really hard) hopefully I haven’t lost you and you see the difference – AND my point. They explained the consequences of telling me (or anyone) anything over a 2, he feels physically sick the higher the number, he berates himself, he panics, he worries….and these symptoms or repercussions can last for days afterwards so basically whenever he reveals things I need to soothe him and thank him etc and at the same time try not to react too much either way -basically don’t make a big deal out of it but don’t ignore the fact he’s opening up…to me.

We agreed to state the rating whenever anything new has been discussed as some of them – to me- are so ‘normal’ i.e. ‘one time this guy at work….’ = ‘4’… that I often don’t realise that it was anything other than small talk.

To put it into perspective once more she asked him the following questions:

How many people have you told a ‘1’ ? – one or two (being me and her)
How many people have you told a ‘5’? – one (me)
How many people have you told a ’10’? one (me again)

Bottom line is...I am the one he trusts, I am the one he is opening up to and I am the one he wants to talk to and be himself with. It suddenly dawned on me that when we first started dating he would often say ‘god I’ve never told anyone that before’ about things which – again- didn’t seem like a big deal to me… well now it does. I asked if that’s the reason he married me – ‘I guess so’

She did ask me how it (our situation) affects me day to day etc but I will leave that for another post so I can pour my heart out a little without taking away from the stuff in this one as all of the above really did open my eyes to exactly what we are going through – and that’s the focus here.

When wrapping up our session she asked if I had any questions….

‘What would you say were the 3 things I CAN to do help….and what 3 things should I steer clear of?’

Oxygen mask made in NY

Oxygen mask made in NY (Photo credit: K. Todd Storch)

To help:

  • He’s already critical of everything so ease off – don’t ignore issues when they arise but think about wording and calming before exploding etc – basically give him a shit sandwich where you give a positive then the negative and follow it with another positive.
  • Thank him when he opens up – its really fucking hard for him to do so
  • Appreciate that he’s trying– for US

As for things to avoid she gave the example of the oxygen mask dropping when a plane is going down….

Who do you put the mask on first? (I said the kids lol) WRONG!
You put it on yourself and THEN help others because how can you help others if you’re not strong enough? Basically I need to take care of myself too otherwise I wont be any good to anyone, take a break, have some fun, treat myself… because I need to be strong for him…just like he is using therapy as his oxygen mask….so that he can be strong for me too.

xBx

 
 

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Farewell

goodbye

goodbye (Photo credit: lanier67)

Last week was my final final session with my counsellor.  We actually had loads to talk about for a change – mainly good but also some recent revelations (which I will leave for another post so I can go into more detail without swamping you today lol) Towards the end he stopped me from moving the topic onto something irrelevant and random (or fluff as I call it as it fills time) and reminded me that it was nearing the end of our session and that we should probably acknowledge the fact that this is our last session as its easier to just talk till the end and pretend its not happening but that’s not the best idea in the world.

We discussed what I should do next in terms of finding a newbie that I like and how to contact them etc. He gave me his ‘final thoughts’ which included his take on our situation and how unique and (not amazing but I cant think of the right word… like shocking/astonishing/fascinating) it was. He said he was proud of the progress – from both of us, that he’s impressed by my determination, my logic, my brains (at which point I made a zombie joke )He said he thinks I should write a book on it or be a counsellor or SOMETHING because I blow his mind every time we meet.

When asked about whether he will go away and wonder what happened next for us he explained that in his job he is trained to distance himself, to leave his work at work and that he is more interested (usually) in the way relationships and mindsets work rather than the context of them BUT he said he probably would wonder because he had never come across a situation like ours or a client like me lol.

I had gone in there thinking I could maybe slip him my blog address in case he ever got curious but I thought better of it, I mean how self centred to think he would WANT to look it up in the future lol but I think part of me just wanted to keep a tie to him so I could know he hadn’t vanished. As the final minutes ticked on he asked how it had been for me, what had I learned etc. I told him it had been a life line – honestly. To be able to get out and talk to someone who had almost gone through it with me from the start, whom had witnessed the moment my life fell apart….I couldn’t have made it through some days as easily if it hadn’t been for him…or at least knowing he was there if i needed him.

I told him he was my sparring partner, my sounding board; that I had learnt that its (our situation) isn’t all about me or caused by me, its not my fault but that I was still allowed to vent my feelings on it (i.e. in sessions) and still needed to look out for myself, my own health -both physically and mentally. Overall I think I have learnt that I have balls! lol I have determination, I am stronger than I ever thought I was or could be and I am as logical as ever…but I already knew that last bit 😉

Obviously I thanked him for everything and as he held the door open for me to leave it took everything I had not to hug him goodbye lol. I walked to the car, proud of myself for doing so well…I had been dreading saying goodbye…and then it hit me and I cried the whole way home lol (silly) I felt so stupid for getting SO upset but all I kept thinking was how that was it, that was 1 of 2 people in my life…in HUMAN/FACE TO FACE/VOICE form, whom know both the situation in detail AND MY thoughts on it…in detail…gone…forever. Screw the worries of meeting the newbie and having to talk about it all over again…this person is gone for good.

At no point in all of this did I delude myself with the thought that he was a friend or anything, I’m very aware that I am just another client to him etc but still, even on a professional level the thought of him gone, my weekly sparring session, the routine, the change…its gone. Urgh I actually got a little watery eyed just now by thinking about it again lol.

It felt like when you were younger and made friends on a 2 week holiday (vacation lol) and you wave them off without thinking much about it and then you realise that those people affected your whole holiday, you now have new memories, you had good times with them but the chances are (unless you live close) you’ll probably never see them again (pre facebook/skype etc)

Luckily – once home – my boss got in touch and asked if i was able to go to work a little earlier so I jumped at the chance and offered to start even earlier otherwise I probably would have cried for the next few hours about it and turned up a mess. So…a week on…and it’s still feeling a bit fresh. I did cry about it a few nights ago when talking to hubby about it but I think yes in part its the sadness, the loss but mostly its about the change and disruption to the norm (again)…anxiety about the unknown I suppose. BUT I need to stay positive…

*deep breath*

  • I CAN do this
  • I WILL find a newbie whom I connect with
  • In theory my counsellor didn’t do anything except listen to me – I’m the one doing the leg work
  • Meeting a newbie will stop me getting into a rut and test my social skills lol
  • It will give me a chance to talk about everything again -now that I know more details perhaps a few more things will click and make sense
  • Continuing with counselling with help me AND hubby as I cant be strong for him if I am not strong for myself

So I guess now all I need to do is pick up the phone and make an appointment…wish me luck

xBx

 
 

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Motivation Monday: And she’s back in the game

I am now a member :)

I am now a member 🙂

It’s been over a week since I updated about the world of Beth. It’s been busy – the good kind again. Last week and the next I’m doing extra work hours in the daytime – which is when I used to write- so by the time I’m home in the evening I’m just shattered and not in the mood to write much – plus then it’s cooking, cleaning, hubby time and early to bed so even if I was in the mood there just don’t seem to be enough hours lol.

I mentioned in a previous motivation post that I wanted to get some reading done and start dipping my toes into genres which wouldn’t usually interest me – how do I know this? I don’t!  I’ve not tried reading many other genres so I’m about to find out.

Over the last few months I’ve been sent some e-books to read – beta reading? etc So I’ve been catching up on those – I’m not allowed to blog about them yet as they’re confidential and all that but a few of the short stories have been great! Aside from those I have been lucky enough to get my hands on some rather special previews of 2 books written by some bloggers I follow on here –The Crazy Nigerian and Olivia from the Claymore and the Surcoat– which I am so excited to get my teeth into 🙂 I was sent them after stalking their blogs a week or so back and I have promised to leave a review etc on completion…but I think I will go a step further and leave a few on different sites -including on here- meaning now I need to figure out what makes a good book review lol. I’ve opted to start with the ‘Crazy Nigerians’ book as that one is shorter and so far – only a chapter or 2 in- I am loving it so hopefully I’ll find some spare time to keep charging through that -or I’ll just lose more sleep and stay up later lol.

I managed to get some writing done but not a lot, I did a post for the RCC, one for the Community Storyboard and am currently in the process of collaborating on a post for The MisAdventures of Vanilla which I am excited about but I guess time differences and schedules are getting in the way a little…regardless we will get there in the end. Apologies for not writing more lately, as I said above I have just not been able to get into the right mood to actually get all my thoughts written down. Watch this space though, Beth will bounce back as usual.

I DID manage to sort through some clothes etc but most of the unwanted stuff got thrown as they weren’t worthy of charity shopping and the stuff I kept… Well it’s all near and organised now so that’s something – doubt it will last long though lol

The details of my manual handling course are still pending but in the mean time I’ve been looking up a few short -fun- courses such as cupcake making (I’ve always wanted to do that lol) but there don’t seem to be many near me i.e. in the middle of nothingness so I may just learn from you tube for now. Speaking of cakes it’s hubby’s birthday coming up so I’m going to make him a cake *shock horror* or at least buy one and ice it or something – that way I have an excuse to practice making pretty (or manly) things and he can eat it lol. I tried for the first time EVER over the weekend and it was the ugliest cake I’ve ever seen BUT god it tasted amazing! Plus I didn’t have a rolling pin so had to use a makeshift one (a roll of cooking foil) and with that in mind it wasn’t THAT bad. This weekend I will be stocking up on tools and equipment to scratch my creative itch 🙂

Last week I met my husbands therapist, spoke to his mum AND his sister got in touch…AND it was my final final session with my counsellor – I will leave all of that for separate posts as there is quite a bit to cover.

OH…MY….Guess who I met last week….only THE legend himself BeetleyPete! AND MRS PETE TOO! It was great, we got photos -which I wont post on here- but that was one thing (Pete kindly reminded me) that I wanted to take away from our meet and greet 🙂

I had been a little nervous about meeting him – like with meeting anyone from the internet- both because I think you’re always worried that something will change the way you talk online i.e. dribbling when talking or smelling like a swamp (shallow I know) but luckily Pete (nor Mrs Pete) did either of those lol – and then comes in the danger factor. I learnt a long time ago that people online can be very different in person – heck I’ve learnt the same for the ones you’re married to! lol – Saying that the same goes for meeting any man I suppose- so despite my gut telling me all would be fine I was still prepared to go alone if that was the case – public place, phone calls when I’m leaving, maybe the odd spying friend watching through the window lol.

Needless to say none of that seemed necessary when it came down to it, in fact not only was Mrs Pete there but hubby came too! And not just to make sure I didn’t get kidnapped (adult-napped?) I had asked out of courtesy if he would like to come and to my surprise he said yes – despite knowing that he was about to meet someone whom knew a lot more about him than anyone else he knows (bar me of course) he was fine with it – as was Pete, no judgements, no snide comments which is more than I can say for the few people who know LESS than he does (well done Pete lol) I guess that’s the difference between maturity levels showing there.

As far as goals go it seems I actually didn’t do as bad as I thought, I still need to work on my spelling (only certain words) but everything else is ticked off 🙂

Goals for this week:

  • Make the counselling appointment
  • Buy creative tools and some well needed bits and bobs this weekend with my first full ‘pay check’
  • DON’T spend ALL of it in one go
  • Carry on reading
  • Fit in some blogging

PoGeHaGo

  • I am proud that I managed to ice my first ever cake without killing anyone in the process
  • I am happy that I now understand hubby a little better
  • I am thankful for bedtime reading

Have a good week 🙂

xBx

 
13 Comments

Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Under construction

 

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I’m still here

Here is todays post…In the form of a poem on The Community Storyboard
xxxB

 
8 Comments

Posted by on June 21, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Building the Nest

Image

I don’t think I did ever share this with you (apart from in my awards post but its probably hard to find in there) Sooooo here is a post I wrote for the RCC a week or so ago

Enjoy

http://romeconstructioncrew.com/2013/06/11/building-the-nest/

xBx

 
2 Comments

Posted by on June 19, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Writing Challenge: Papa Says -About Me

BethAt uni we were asked to compose a few paragraphs and then edit it down to make a few sentences which then became our personal statement, well this weeks writing challenge is all about reducing needless text when writing so all of that came flooding back. It suggested taking an old post and heavily editing one paragraph to see what you are left with; so…I went as old as I could…back to the start…my about me page https://comfortablynumb7.wordpress.com/about/

Original:

‘So this is my blog, firstly explaining the back story (which by the way I have done in separate posts, as trying to condense over a years worth of stuff into one was never going to happen…so for part 1 click here) and how these revelations came to light, but mainly as a place for me to express myself, a place to grieve the loss of our past, to document the trials we are sure to go through and to hopefully discover that we aren’t alone in this.’

TaaDaa:

 ‘I blog to grieve our past, express our present and discover our future’

I think that pretty much says it all don’t you? 😉

xBx

 
 

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Motivation Monday – Awards

Seeing as last weeks goals (posted here) pretty much went out the window – apart from getting a photo with Mr&Mrs BeetleyPete 😀  I figured it was about time I got these Awards Posts done…..

I have quite a few awards to hand out today….bear with me. Its my own fault for not passing them on sooner really lol Anyhow I will comply with the ‘rules’ of each apart from the amount of nominations I need to make as that could take a while…but you never know I may get a second wind on this 😉
So…without further ado…

THANK YOU ALL FOR MY AWARDS 🙂 It’s only fair to send some back your way so see below to find out which ones you’ve got 😉 Also, seeing as I haven’t had a chance to catch up regularly I also think it’s only fair to pass these awards to those I HAVE been in touch with lately….congrats all xB

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Share the Love Award from  http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/2013/06/14/awarded-by-brigid-sharing-the-love-as-she-does/ Apparently it is similar to the Liebster Award which I have also been nominated for http://solothefirst.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/liebster-award-thanks/ and http://theclaymoreandsurcoat.com/2013/06/14/liebster-award/ so thank you all – I’m sorry though I’m going to do a mish mash of ‘rules’

Liebster Award

Liebster Award

 The Rules
1. Add the award logo to your blog.

2. List 11 Random Facts

3. Answer the questions
4. Nominate and let them know
5. Send them 11 new questions

My Facts: (There’s not much people on here don’t already know lol)
1- I wear glasses – I call them ‘me goggles’ and cant see much without them
2- I don’t like my forehead being on show…lol… I USED to cover it with a side fringe etc but more recently I’ve let it out a bit more often (saves me straightening my hair lol)
3- I am a dirty smoker
4- I have just eaten waaay too many sweets and feel a bit sick… but I might have one more anyway
5- I love watching TopGear
6- I missed the first half of the new season of ‘ONCE’ and am pissed about it
7 – I love driving…
8- ….I rarely have anywhere to drive though…or enough money to spend once there lol
9 – I am meant to be getting ready for work right now
10- My exs mum and I once stole my exs car to retrieve something the ex was too scared to get himself (wimp)
11-I cant think of anything to write for number 11

Questions:
1.  Name an enduring sorrow, something that has lasted for over a year
Does the finale of ‘LOST’ count? I was SO angry at the ending – especially as I had guessed from the first season…6 years that took…6 years!!!!!
2. Best song that captures an enduring sorrow
I suppose for me that would be 30 Seconds to Mars – The Kill…why? see this post
3.  Band with the best lyrics
Jeebus these questions are hard….I couldn’t possibly choose
4.  Band with the best music
Same as above
5. How do you relate to nature? I mean do you need it, trees, lakes, seas, mountains etc
Views and things… fine, I appreciate the prettiness but only when I can go back to the comfort of my home afterwards
6. Appliance you cannot do without.
Some kind of water boiling device…I need my instant coffee
7. Have you ever been bullied?  describe it (if you feel ok that is)
Yes, over 6 years by a group of 13 girls. Nothing physical thankfully (apart from the odd thing thrown at me now and then) but verbal, emotional bullying. It broke me down and took a long time to get over.
8.  Did you ever sleep with someone because that would be easier than telling that person or persons, no?  Describe that…if you feel ok
No…possibly…maybe. More because I wasn’t too fussed about whether we did or didn’t, I think I was more interested to find out whether we could go there and how it would be… so we did…and it didn’t really change anything either way so we never did again and remained friends.
9. is there a painter you like?  Link please…
I’m going modern on this one http://maugryph.com/2013/06/17/a-different-dragon-ipad-drawing/
10.  favourite youtube clip…link please
Oh god …don’t judge me lol…

11.  Most masochistic thing about you…..this is me after all …. describe if you feel ok.
This is me so I had to Google that lol  and I think I will leave this one blank

Nominees for the Share the Love Award:

http://ethicalhedonism.wordpress.com/2013/06/16/a-rainy-day/
http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/2013/06/10/photo-shoot-tattoos/

Nominees for the Liebster Award:

Anyone in the RCC whom wants it…it is yours

Questions for Nominees:
1 What’s the gossip?
2 Favourite Colour?
3 What do you do for a living?
4 Do you enjoy it
5 What’s you favourite quote? (and why?)
6 Sweet or savoury?
7 Favourite film of all time?
8 Where in the world are you?
9 Where in the world would you love to be?
10 Best moment of your life (so far) ?
11 What activity do you love the most? and why

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The Crazy Nigerian Nominated me for the Super Sweet Award http://thecrazynigerian.com/2013/06/13/the-crazy-nigerian-receives-a-3rd-award/ (Thank you 🙂 )

Super Sweet

Super Sweet

What to do:
Thank the Super Sweet Blogger that nominated you.
Answer 5 Super Sweet questions.
Include the Super Sweet Blogging Award in your blog post.
Nominate your nominees on their blog.

Q&A
Cookies or Cake? – Cookies
Chocolate or Vanilla? – Vanilla
Favourite Sweet Treat? – Sweets! Chewy ones….Sooo bad for my teeth
When do you crave sweet things most?  All day every day lol
Sweet Nickname – My husband calls me ass-eyes….

Nominees for the Super Sweet Award: (You guys are the sweetest 😉 )

http://readfulthingsblog.com/category/my-writing-attempts/
http://largeself.com/2013/05/10/weekly-photo-challenge-pattern/
http://donnaweidner.com/2013/05/29/got-bupkis/

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A few awards in one here but seeing as I have 2 of them and this is already a mammoth post I will kindly steal the 2 I don’t already have 😉 The hug award and the Dragon something award lol http://ethicalhedonism.wordpress.com/2013/06/02/its-certainly-raining-awards/

Hug Award

Hug Award

Dragons Loyalty

Dragons Loyalty

I’m guessing there were a lot of ‘rules’ for these so thankfully they have been merged down *phew* Saying that the questions aren’t exactly easy lol 😉

Questions:
What is the meaning of life?
42? Whatever you want it to mean
Happiness is all about?
looking back one day and crying from the good memories or from the better ones you’re making
Why did you start a blog?
To say the things I couldn’t say to my friends/family/husband, to find people whom understand, have been there, experienced life…to find people to communicate with – from a distance and not worry about isolating myself with the truth
What is more important in your life relationships or fame?
Relationships…. its lonely at the top – or so I’ve heard
One thing which you like the most about blogging?
I couldn’t choose one! Support, inspiration, encouragement, friendships; Having no worries about pouring my heart out, no pre judgements, everyone is as open as they want to be about what they want to be – yet you feel like you’ve known them forever.
What’s the best decision you ever made?
To take a chance on a few things in the past – I have faith in them turning out alright.
Do you believe that unconditional love really exists in any kind of relationship?
Yes, family for sure but I think even if the relationship failed there are still some relationships/people you could love forever, no matter what…It doesn’t mean you’re going to be walked all over though
Do you believe in Karma’s if yes then what are bad and good karma according to you?
I didn’t, but then I got kicked by a bunch of bad shit…so now I’m wondering what i did so bad lol….I’m hoping its true though because all the good I’ve been doing has to amount to something right?
Do you believe in rebirth or afterlife if yes then why?
I would LOVE to, I was raised catholic so I’m not supposed to believe in rebirth but I’m not a practicing catholic and that’s my favourite idea – as far as death goes anyway.
What is the best moment of your life?
I couldn’t say – there have been some great ones but they’ve always been tainted by SOMETHING – before, during, after…some thing that has taken away the ‘greatest’ part…because its not been pure, or perfect etc. My happy place is ‘the carrot’ (blogged here)that’s as pure as it gets

My Nominees for the Hug Award – I KNOW you guys could use a hug recently -hope things are looking up xxx:

http://liveuntil.com/2013/06/01/daily-prompt-one-silver-line-through-the-universe/
http://wyndydee.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/i-repent-to-my-followers-friends-and-especially-rcc/
http://behindthemaskofabuse.com/2013/06/08/surviving-the-tests/
http://moossama88.wordpress.com/2013/06/04/more-details-more-misery/ ignorance is bliss – Mo has had some sad news with regards to his grandfather…but good news about his aunt…swings and roundabouts :/ Definitely in need of a hug xx
http://fatbottomgirlsaidwhat.wordpress.com/2013/06/03/fall-out/

Nominees for the Dragon Loyalty Award:

http://greenembers.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/why-amazon-thinks-youre-stupid-opinion-piece/
http://legendsofwindemere.com/2013/06/11/hometown-changes/ (You like dragons right? 😉 )
http://beetleypete.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/a-year-on-the-blog/ (Didn’t think I’d forgotten you did you?)
http://doggysstyle.wordpress.com/2013/05/28/picture-perfect/

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The Rose of Kindness Award http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/2013/06/17/150-followers-and-more-awards/

Rose Of Kindness

Rose Of Kindness

This amazing award is created by Tersia http://tersiaburger.com

‘Let’s all think about “kindness” and make it our goal to perform just one special act of kindness every day!  It has to be a special act of kindness that actually takes an effort. Vic was a kind and generous person.  Her legacy is one of kindness and generosity.  So I have come up with an award… The Rose of Kindness Award.  I would like to add that we need to remember that our existence here is fragile, and we never have as much time with people as we think we do. If there is someone or someone’s out there that you love, don’t neglect that and don’t put off engaging with them because death waits for no-one…  Be kind and gentle.  Cherish your relationships remember to be kind….  Pay it forward!’

Rules of the Rose of Kindness Award:
Add the  Rose of Kindness Award on your blog
Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog
Nominate 13 bloggers whose kindness you have experienced
Post why you are nominating each of your nominees
Let the  nominees know that you nominated them
Suggest one special act of kindness that the world may benefit from
My nominees are:

http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/2013/06/05/tears/
http://theclaymoreandsurcoat.com/my-books/
http://solothefirst.wordpress.com/about/
http://jesuslikespizza.wordpress.com/2013/06/01/believe-and-be-satisfied-perfect-love/

I’ll do better than suggest an act I will link to the post I wrote for the RCC blog on this exact topic last week…. http://romeconstructioncrew.com/2013/06/11/building-the-nest/

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And finally the Very Inspiring Blogger Award Http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/2013/05/29/very-inspiring-blogger-award-2/

Very Inspiring Blogger

Very Inspiring Blogger

The rules
List 7 random facts
Nominate up to 15 people for it.
7 Facts about me
1 Tomorrow I will be driving a van (full of people) and I am nervous as hell
2 Yesterday I celebrated one year of rupture-free ovaries
3 I miss my blonde hair
4 Payday cannot come soon enough
5 I am bored of writing this looooong post
6 Its only 9pm and almost time for bed :/ (early start)
7 I have no battery on my phone and really wanted to do some e-reading before nodding off…but my charger cable isn’t long enough boooooooo

Nominees:

http://thecrazynigerian.com/a-good-read/
http://wobbleajelly.wordpress.com/2013/06/08/find-out-about-the-habits-of-armadillos/
http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2013/06/09/saying-yes/
http://beenkissingafool.wordpress.com/2013/05/23/whats-your-poison/

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AAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD DONE 🙂
*wipes brow*

I THINK I got everything done 🙂
Thank you all again (Thank you thank you thank you)and Congrats all to the nominees – As always please don’t feel obliged to pass them on, just know I am thinking of you 🙂

xBx

 

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Guest Post – The Other Side of the Glass: The Cave

The next Instalment from our mystery blogger:

cave troll

cave troll (Photo credit: matthewb)

This is the fourth post in the series The Other Side of the Glass, where I explain in detail what it feels like to live with PTSD. I’m writing this series to give Beth, and anyone else that has a loved one with PTSD, an understanding of what it is like to live without emotions or to be emotionally numb. Each person suffering from PTSD has their own trauma, their own symptoms, and their own circumstances, but I’m just trying to give you a glimpse of what it is like to live with this horrible disorder.

What does it feel like? is the first in the series. If you have not already read that post, it would be best to start at the beginning.

In our first three posts we examined what if physically feels like to lose your emotions, how that alters your daily life, and how damaging it is to your relationships.

So what does a person with PTSD do next? For a man, we go to our caves.

As I mentioned in one of the other posts, men do not like to talk about our problems. We like to go to a nice quiet place and think and come up with solutions. We want to fix what is broken.

Personally, I could see my world was crumbling down around me. My relationship with my ex was obviously destroyed, and I could no longer relate to friends and family around me. Due to the abuse, I was too humiliated and embarrassed to speak about it with anyone. For the two or three people that I did reveal what was happening, I started to avoid them as I could see the pity in their eyes. I quickly grew tired of the, “How are you?” questions. I just wanted to be normal again and since I couldn’t figure out how to be normal, I became more and more secluded.

Even in a group I would isolate myself. I would stand off to the side and not get involved with the conversations that were going on around me. I didn’t want to reveal too much about what was happening behind closed doors. I didn’t want to explain how I missed Monday Night Football because I was being punched in the face by a woman.

There was also a certain level of envy that would creep in. I didn’t want to see all the other couples that were in love. I didn’t want to see all the laughter and happiness. I didn’t want to pretend to laugh, force myself to smile, or feign joy.

Along the way, I discovered that my PTSD had triggers. “Triggers” were certain situations that would cause me to become more “blank” or they would cause The Void to increase within me.

For example, I made the mistake of going to a romantic comedy at one point. As I watched the characters on screen fall in love, I could feel my insides become more and more vacant. Watching them kiss made The Void take over to such an extreme that it physically hurt. To explain what it felt like, I can only liken it to extreme grief. My soul was empty and in pain. I realized I could not watch another love story until I was stronger. The trigger was just too painful.

Stressful situations were also a trigger for me. Beth’s husband may have other triggers, but I would assume a stressful situation would be common among all PTSD sufferers.

Beth may already know that blank stare when her husband shuts down completely. Hopefully she can take notice of what caused it and help him to avoid those triggers.

Because I didn’t want to feel worse, I withdrew into my cave more and more. Because my options of entertainment were limited, I was drawn more and more to gaming and porn.

Xbox 360 buttons

Xbox 360 buttons (Photo credit: Alfred Hermida)

The ex complained to the therapist about my gaming. The therapist simply explained that I was playing so I didn’t have to think or feel. That made complete sense to me. When I played, I could get lost in my fake world and I didn’t have to think so much. I just acted on what was happening on the screen.

I started to play more and more. I played before work, during work, and after work. I was pleased when I could out-think the other players and I could beat them. It was also a great way to get get out some of my frustrations. My online cave was comfortable to me. I was a good player and others respected me.

There was one other thing in my cave. Masturbation, because it was a physiological level, felt good, so I kept it in my cave.

Let’s face it, men masturbate. It’s what we do. I’ve read that 91% of men masturbate, and the other 9% are pathological liars. We think nothing of it. Depending on our sex drive, we’ll rub our penises wherever and whenever we are inclined. Great sex doesn’t prevent masturbation, it just makes us masturbate more as we think about the great sex we are having!

Masturbation became part of my daily routine. I did it so that for those 15-30 seconds, I could feel GOOD. It was the only time I felt something good. It was the only time I felt ANYTHING. It was the only time I felt pleasure. Of course, it wasn’t emotional, but at the time I didn’t care. I only felt something that was pleasurable and enjoyable and that was a good thing.

The porn watching was just a means to an end. Quite often the porn was boring or gross or was so ridiculous that I hardly found it stimulating. I was just looking for something that would help me achieve the pleasurable part. It was like a needle for a heroin addict. I didn’t care about the needle (porn), I only wanted the high (orgasm).

I read Beth’s posts on her husbands porn watching and masturbation. On the one hand, I have to commend him for being honest with her. For years, I lied and hid all of my porn and masturbation. I denied it up and down when I was questioned about it. I learned to work “the system” and I knew when I could and couldn’t masturbate. I became increasingly adept at hiding the porn. In the end, no one ever found out about it. Ever.

On the other hand, I feel bad for her husband. She is trying to make him stop the one thing that feels good to him. She puts up blocks and barriers and chastises him as a mother would do to her child. She asks him who and what he thinks about when he masturbates! I cannot imagine how emasculating and embarrassing that would be.

Beth, let the man have his time alone in his cave. Let him have his thoughts. Let him have his fifteen seconds. I swear to you that there is no emotional connection to it. He just wants to feel SOMETHING.

I’m sorry that he is broken and he craves those those fifteen seconds of bliss out of the other 86,385 seconds of the day. I’m sorry some of your friends have great breasts or a nice butt, because it is just a means to an end and it means nothing to him. I’m sorry that he looks at porn because it really does nothing to his soul. It is only something for his eyes to focus on so he doesn’t have to think. I’m sorry that it hurts your feelings to know that he wants to do those things alone, and in private.

Maybe you can’t. Maybe there is a reason for your hatred of porn. Maybe your feelings about it are completely justified, I don’t know. All I can tell you is that if you continue to make this a big issue, he will continue to do it, but he will start to hide. Porn is everywhere. If he wants it bad enough, there are a million and one places to find it between your home and the office.

He is a good man. He is just broken. He is in his cave.

But my message is one of hope. I’m here to tell you that he won’t be in his cave forever. I was able to crack the glass case and escape. I will discuss that in my next post and hopefully you can take what I’ve learned and help your husband escape as well.

*****A note from Beth: I know many of you are going to ask about the porn and my opinions of it, I know most will more than likely agree that I should cut him some slack with regards to masturbation and porn and while I would agree- in a situation which wasn’t so messed up as mine- I do not agree in this case but I do apreciate the opinions and I do understand it. Let me first direct you to this post about our porn in our past (here), this one about progress after the revelations (here) and finally my outright opinion of porn in general (here). Now I will share what I replied to our mystery blogger when he emailed me and gave me the heads up that I probably wouldn’t like what I was about to read:

‘I’ve read it and I don’t mind – it’s another opinion And therefore I
welcome it – and thank you again for doing this. It will be posted as
is.
What I will say though is… No lol I’m sorry but I am not
going to encourage him to take the easy way out. I would enjoy sex alot
more with someone whom actually enjoyed it with me, I would prefer a
relationship which wasn’t so one sided but I don’t opt for those, I
stick it out and sacrifice a lot of my own happiness for him – for US
and this is the one thing that not only pushes us further away sexually
but also encourages lying and secrecy. I put up with that for the past
year and I am not going to do it again.

I encourage him to pleasure himself WITH me – the way a loving, committed marriage should be in my eyes and so far that seems to be itching that scratch. He gets to do it himself, I get to be part of that, he gets his release and I get another
day of not worrying about the lies. Does that make any sense? Again, I
get it, I understand it more from his (your) point of view but from our
history it’s crossed the line into borderline addiction and it’s
destroying us… I’m just not prepared to let that happen.’

xBx

 
7 Comments

Posted by on June 15, 2013 in Guest Post

 

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Isn’t it Ironic? Wish you were here

“Wish You Were Here”

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

The second time I met my husband was a month after our first meeting, we had spent the time in between talking constantly, texting, messaging, skyping, calling…getting to know each other inside out. we fell in love during those conversations – without actually saying it- we missed each other terribly and couldn’t wait to see each other again…so understandably the next time we met we were both anxious about whether our feelings would grow on a physical level too. They did, we spent the night with friends, meeting people, having fun; we were finally able to touch each other, to hold each other…. That night was amazing but of course before we knew it it was time to part ways again for another few weeks.

A friend of ours was strumming away on his guitar and began to play ‘wish you were here’. he played (and sang) it beautifully. high on emotions the song highlighted that even more and from that point onwards it became our song.

We had it at our wedding ceremony to play us out, I made table decorations from the sheet music, I would listen to it whenever I missed him, he learned to play it on the guitar…I had ‘wish you were here’ engraved on his wedding ring, written on my wedding shoes…the song and that line meant so much to us … but now…when I read/hear the lyrics they take a different meaning.

Wish YOU were here… I do! I wish HE was here, that person I fell in love with, the person I thought I was marrying…but he’s not and the chances are HE will never be here again…and god that hurts! The lyrics seem to taunt me… so you think you can tell? Can you? Can you tell its all bullshit?? Can you tell the difference between the real me and the mask i wear? can you? really?? …NO! I couldn’t!

‘We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.’

Two lost souls…I think I may change my tagline to that because it sums us up perfectly right now, its what we are – lost. Going round and round, trying to figure this out, trying to find ourselves…trying to find each other

HOPEFULLY it wont be long till we find HIM…the real him and no he won’t be the same, WE wont be the same but I can get to know him, I can fall in love with him all over again; I cant wait for that to happen, I cant wait to be with him again and I am positive about the future… but some days this dull, nagging ache in my heart just wont leave and I realise its because I just miss us too much…I miss HIM too much; I wish HE was here :/

xBx

 
33 Comments

Posted by on June 14, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?

 

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