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#12 Here’s looking at YOU

Cut Eye

Cut Eye (Photo credit: lindes)

One of the big highs over the last month I suppose was when we made some progress in the bedroom. I’m not sure how many of you would consider what I am about to tell you a ‘high point’. What we do is by no means ‘normal’ but its what works for us in our situation and has progressed and evolved to suit us over time. Of course its still not ideal but you work with what you’ve got don’t you?

Usually we would have intercourse and then I would straddle him and ‘give him a hand’ to him help him finish. It worked but the lack of eye contact made me feel shit. Over time we had removed barriers and things got better but every now and then the insecurities and embarrassment crept back in. – I posted about that here

Well for a while its been difficult, both going through stages of awkwardness, emotions making it either amazing or non existent… Triggers preventing me from wanting to do what we usually do so for a while we had “normal” sex and after he would “do himself” while I lay with him kissing him (and him kissing back) for us that worked. (Again I posted here about it) We both had fun and we both got the release which usually comes from sex. For us – with our history considered it was a mini breakthrough… Knowing he would still climax with me kissing him and touching him… Being there with him in a loving way and not just another hand helping him out.

Well at some point I was laying next to him and just kept thinking how wrong all of this was, THIS was not what I pictured my sex life to be like… my marriage to be like…I felt so irrelevant… So unnecessary… So useless. I could feel my stomach turning and my eyes watering and realised this wasn’t the first time I had felt like this…THIS was turning into a trigger for me. It was at that point that I thought…NO! This needs to stop now. I am NOT going to let myself feel like this, I am NOT going to do this more often than I want to just to stop myself worrying about him sneaking off for a wank if I say no! I will NOT lay here and feel like shit to -in essence- cock block my own husband – I shouldn’t fucking have to! At the end of the day if he WANTS to sneak off for some DIY then he will regardless of whether we went through this 2 days before or 2 hours before…there is nothing I can do about it and really what good is it doing? its not, its giving him a release and every time its making ME feel worse…its letting him have it his way while my confidence slams lower and lower every time he squeezes his eyes shut to block ME out! that is not taking care of myself. I either need to take control of this and protect myself or get the hell out before I get dragged down any further, I can not live this way forever.

I said nothing about it to him and instead vowed to say no more often, to say no unless i was actually in the mood for it, unless i felt confident enough for it…WANTED enough. no kind of game playing involved here by the way, this wasn’t some kind of ‘turn him down to make him want me’ game…this was me growing a pair and putting my foot down. So for the next few nights I said no. I told him I would rather ‘cuddle’ tonight (lol) and in truth it WAS nice just cuddling and talking, it took away that anxiety.

Eventually, I felt stronger again and we did our thing and instantly I felt better for holding off on it, it felt less wrong and more right. Obviously the set up was the same but I was doing it because I wanted to which took away a massive amount of doubt and insecurity. This time the kissing was more passionate too – rather than going through the motions…it was more intense…more enjoyable. Afterwards we lay together and out of nowhere he said

 ‘you did that’

-Not understanding what he meant he explained that he had been thinking about me/us the majority of the time rather than focusing on those intrusive thoughts (that he wont tell me as he’s ashamed of them) Surprised and confused – as before he could only really ‘get off’ if he let those thoughts take over and any ‘normal’ (according to him) thoughts were pushed aside- he explained that the more we have been doing it like this…kissing etc he’s been thinking more and more about us rather than the other stuff.

THAT was amazing to hear, he had offered up that fact without me asking for it, he told me because HE felt good about it…proud i suppose as until this point for him those thought have been all he’s ever had so for him to be able to push past that was a breakthrough for him…and sharing it with me was a breakthrough for US too. It reminded me that while I cant always see – or don’t always realise- the baby steps we are making…HE is making his own and when he is ready he will tell me.

Eyes Wide Open (Gotye song)

Eyes Wide Open (Gotye song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For a while after that we were feeling positive, our confidence grew and I even ventured back to our original ways without feeling sick about it. One of the things that had kept putting me off was the lack of eye contact so I had almost trained myself to not make eye contact with him during ‘his turn’ – to avoid seeing him squeeze his eyes shut so tightly I suppose :/ But like I’ve said before we all close our eyes when we are in the moment, we all have random/irrelevant thoughts coming in and out of our heads sometimes…the difference being that we don’t always SHARE them and most of us don’t have thoughts that overrule everything else.

Well…recently he’s been keeping his eyes open 🙂 and he can still manage to climax lol. Again, he made a point of telling me (in case I hadn’t noticed) because HE felt good about it and because HE was making progress with his own demons. Of course its not nice to have felt like this before and making eye contact with your wife…or just being able to LOOK at your wife whilst being intimate shouldn’t be a big deal…but for us it is and ultimately its not about the way I look, it’s not ME putting him off. This is a big step for him towards letting go of the things that hold him back, towards letting ME in to his world…

xBx

 
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Posted by on July 4, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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For better or worse

Therapy in session through quilting

Therapy in session through quilting (Photo credit: fishin widow)

Apologies for being AWOL recently… to be honest I’m not in a great place :/ I have SO much going on in my head AND in reality (good AND bad) that its hard not to just shut down completely and hope that somehow everything will fit into place…well that hasn’t happened so I suppose its time to start writing them all down in some kind of order in an attempt to make it make sense or at least clear some head space.

A few weeks back I visited my husbands therapist (with him) for the first time. The first part is posted here. I said I would go into more detail for some parts so I could pour my heart out a little. Some of the information given that evening hurt to hear, it stung a bit and its probably a lot to do with how I’ve been feeling lately too, of it so…here it is.

When asked how my husbands actions affect me on a daily basis I struggled to find a place to begin.
Noting that we were limited on time I churned out the obvious – sex is an issue, the self esteem issues which comes from his lack of interest, the paranoia from the constant lies, the worry when it comes to leaving due to porn addiction… The gut wrench that comes from knowing my marriage up till now has been a sham… Shall I continue?

She stopped me and talked about the porn/sex/masturbation a bit more as this was the first time she had heard anything about it. She asked whether he watched porn because of the thrill of it, the release… And that annoyed me because it seemed like she was trying to put words in his mouth rather than asking open ended questions. I had gone here hoping that with the three of us more comfortable he would feel able to explain it – with her help NOT to be told the answers.

However to my surprise – and relief- he didn’t agree with her… Instead he shrugged. She asked if it was the fantasy side – no. Is it the release? -no. Is it X? Y?… Z?? – no. He said its nothing, it’s not important to him, it doesn’t do anything for him… He just does it.

*ouch*

I think I would have preferred it her way lol. To hear that cut deep for me, of all the times he’s sneaked off to watch it, lied about it… For all the issues it’s caused… The lack of trust… The lack of confidence… The lack of respect!!! And it means nothing to him?? He did all of the above for something that did nothing?? Despite my gut twisting I didn’t react, I just nodded and tried to let it sink in.

She asked whether the porn was encouraged and what my thoughts on it were … Yeah here we go again lol (if anyone DOESN’T know my thoughts then I suggest you read here lol also if you are lost by now it’s probably best to read up on the back story which starts here) I told her I had offered to watch it with him, been refused and then lied to, that for me porn is now the other woman- the one he wouldn’t or couldn’t stop seeing. I told her that masturbation – whilst understandable in his case… Well I don’t see the necessity when married especially with a wife whom is willing to experiment and who rarely isn’t up for it. I told her how he does masturbate – WITH me, that it hurts that I can’t satisfy him as it is and that the lies before now have made it an issue so the compromise is that he does himself and I’m there with him otherwise no progress will be made in the bedroom and no intimacy will be there for either of us.

Leave

Leave (Photo credit: inf3ktion)

She asked what would happen if he watched porn now…. I would leave. She looked shocked- as I assume many of you are reading that but its a fact. I have had enough of it, he has his boundaries and secrets and issues…I have learned to live with them, that is my one boundary. It doesn’t NEED to happen, its affected us too many times. its me or that basically, there’s only so much shit one person can take. That is my limit.

Then she asked about sex.
You don’t feel anything? -no
Nothing physical? -no
Nothing emotional? – no
You just do it for Beth? – yeah…

We talked more about WHY the frequency had changed since marriage and the answer gave me that twinge again… Basically whenever he would visit me pre marriage it was usually for one weekend every other week and unbeknownst to me he was acting 100% during those visits -or in his words ‘it was a massive effort to do it that often every time I saw her…but I knew that once that weekend was over I would have the next 2 weeks to be myself…by myself…but once you’re LIVING together…well that means forcing it 100% of the time, there’s no end to it and its exhausting having to pretend to that extent’ – Just writing that made me feel sick. I cant explain it really…I suppose aside from the obvious feelings i.e. stupid…naive…I also feel… used, fooled and like I was PRESSURING him!! (Which I wasn’t at all) It makes me angry to think about how much ‘effort’ it was just to sleep with me…it makes me angry that he put that much effort into something he didn’t want to do…it makes me angry that he still went ahead and married me!

That hurt to hear.

The stupid thing is I knew it really, I figured that out for myself when all of this first came out but I suppose until you actually hear HIM say it there’s always that glimmer of hope that you’re being silly, worrying over nothing…reading too far into it…that you are wrong! Once you hear HIM say THAT…well its real. and its really fucking painful.

She asked me if we ever argue…if there’s ever ANYTHING there which suggests emotions…I mean yeah we have had a few arguments but never really shouting matches (not before all of this anyway and even since there’s been maybe 2…with me doing the shouting) She said THAT must be frustrating because its natural for us to want an argument sometimes but with him I won’t get one…which led her to ask me if I ever let it all out…how do I get it out? What do I do to make myself feel better…DO I cry? Do I allow myself to get angry?

Erm…fuck yes! ‘I usually wait until he’s at work to have a good sob if I feel like it…or when he’s asleep some nights I will lay next to him and let them flow…or I’ll watch some sad shit on TV just so I can sit in tears and feel like I have a valid reason for it’ (By this time I was crying) ‘ I mean I think he KNOWS that I cry about it sometimes but its easier to do it when he’s not around as for starters I don’t want to say shit in the heat of the moment that will undo all of this but also because I have learned that crying to him is pointless… yeah he comforts me physically, he makes all the right noises but I know its bullshit…I know its an act because he doesn’t FEEL anything. He doesn’t empathise…he just does what he knows works…like a puzzle that he’s mastered and knowing that when you need comfort the most is an oxymoron in a way.

She looked to him and asked what it was like to hear me saying those things…he shrugged and shook his head (nothing) He said he didn’t know I was still crying most days and that he wished I would talk to him about it rather than waiting BUT he understood why I didn’t do that and ultimately…hearing that from me… he didn’t FEEL anything. He said he obviously doesn’t LIKE that I feel that way, he doesn’t want me to keep feeling that way, he wants to make it better but as far as emotions go there’s nothing.

lonely traveller

lonely traveller (Photo credit: rprathap)

Double ouch

It made it all real again, the blunt answers, the matter-of-fact way he responded…THAT is why I don’t go to him…because I know all of that too. I KNOW he doesn’t feel anything, I suppose at least he’s being honest about it lol but still… its so…lonely :/

I came out of that session feeling better for understanding more…for knowing more but at the same time I ended up hurting more because I had to hear it all over again… I had my fears and worries confirmed…by him. To be honest (when aren’t I?) we left there feeling closer to each other if anything…more open with each other…which is funny when you think about the content of what we had just been discussing in there. It was…bittersweet would be the word for it I think…but in the weeks since it’s hit me all over again and knocked me a few steps back again – I suppose at least this time I understand it more so hopefully the path back uphill won’t be as tough this time

xBx
(A LOT more to come…)

 
 

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Motivation Muesday

I am now a member :)

I am now a member 🙂

Well…its not Monday anymore… but screw it.
I’ve had a really up and down week (or more) but I managed to tick some of my goals off. Actually writing these posts – as unmotivated as I feel at the time really does help because its so easy to forget what I HAVE achieved during a shitty week so writing them down is kind of like an ‘oh yeah’ moment where you feel a little better afterwards 🙂

So…
Last week I finished one of the books I was reading so one aim for the next week is to review it on here and finally do an Amazon review as promised. I am now starting the next one and so far I like it (even though I’m only a few pages in lol) I’m waiting for a time where I can sit and read a good chunk at my leisure rather than squeezing bits in here and there and only half paying attention so hopefully I’ll get to do that soon 🙂

I made my counselling appointment with the newbie…actually I went one step further and had a full blown session with her there and then…I survived and it was actually good to be surprised with it. It meant I didn’t have the time to fret about it beforehand (or chicken out and cancel) I will write about that more later on…regardless I like her and have the next one booked in the next week or so 🙂

I got paid...I went shopping…I practically forced myself to BUY something to wear as for the first hour or so I wandered around picking things up and then convincing myself I didn’t need or want them and leaving empty handed. I’m so not used to treating myself lol but I ended up with a sweet dress, some practical stuff and a bunch of stuff for other people lol. I still have some set aside for hubbys birthday AND more just ‘in the account’ Saying that its been less than a week ha ha but it feels nice to be able to run out for some milk without counting the pennies and checking the account so I think I’ll be able to curb my spending and stick to what I need- we shall see.

Attempt 1

Attempt 1

Attempt 2

Attempt 2

Also I have been practicing baking and decorating cakes in preparation for his birthday cake. I started with one layer of basic marble cake so it’s a bit flat lol but I just wanted to try icing it… my first attempt was terrible lol HOWEVER I didn’t have a rolling pin so… what’s that saying about blaming their tools? It tasted bloody amazing though!

The second attempt I played with cherries which actually dried the cake out a bit (as did putting it in the fridge) but the decorating improved a bit. Next time I’m going to do 2 layers (stacked) with cream and jam in the middle…mmmmm wish me luck lol

The Shine On Award

I was recently nominated for the Shine On Award by Writing The Body http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/shine-on-award/  (Thank you very much 🙂 ) Of course it comes with rules -post it, link back, nominate 15 bloggers and share 7 random things about yourself. As always do what you wish with the award…I always do lol

Shine On Award

Shine On Award

7 random things:
I don’t like ice cream
Today I am bloated
I SHOULD be doing housework right now
I reverse parked a disabled van last week and still feel proud of myself
I haven’t bitten my nails for over a month
I keep having nightmares lately :/
I wouldn’t mind going back to bed today

Questions:
1.  Rank these kinds of weather from best to worst: Sunny and hot, misty and cold, rain and cool, snow, ice, windy
My answers: Sunny and hot – Rain and cool – Windy – Misty and cold- snow – ice
2.  Do you like outdoor music festivals?
My answer: No.  Hate them,
3.  Do you like drinking water?
My answer: yes, it used to be all I drank (apart from alcohol lol) but over the last few years tea and coffee has taken over so now it has to be ice cold
4.  Favourite alcoholic drink
My answer: Vodka and coke or baileys
5.  Best drug experience
My answer: I overdosed once (pain meds) when I was a teenager and the hallucinations were hilarious – dangerous of course and stupid and that would never happen again.
6.  Most fun while not taking anything
My answer: lol I don’t ‘take anything’ so I suppose most things that are meant to be fun…
7.  Greatest sorrow:
My answer: 2013

Nominees:
EVERY ONE OF YOU…yes you! I can’t choose a handful of you -especially as I haven’t caught up with anyone on here lately and so many of you inspire me in different ways so I want ALL of YOU to shine on 🙂
If you want this award…you are welcome to it…You deserve it 🙂

My goals for this week:

  • I have been sent 2,000 vinyl singles…yup 2,000! Which I need to sort through and try and sell somewhere… any ideas?
  • I need to get some of these thoughts written down and blogged as they’re taking over my mind a little
  • I will make that double layer cake and it will be great
  • I will be careful with my spending
  • Read & Review

PoGeHaGo:

  • I am happy that my cakes are improving
  • I am happy I got to blog today
  • I am thankful for my best friend from home being just a phone call away

xBx

 

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Weekly Writing Challenge: 21st Century Love is…Dangerous

Relationship Status Update

Relationship Status Update (Photo credit: joelaz)

I have had an ‘isn’t it ironic’ post floating around my head about how we first got together, how we talked about everything and anything…how we got to know each other inside out…how we talked about our pasts, honesty, trust! Anyone whom knows my situation will see the irony in that alone SO…apologies for the negativity (and rambling) but this weeks writing challenge seemed like the perfect place to do it.

21st Century love is instant. It’s fast, its varied, it’s easy… But it’s also dangerous. It feels safer pouring your heart out from a distance, being braver than you would in real life but it also feels that way for whomever you’re talking to; while hiding behind a screen can protect you physically, it doesn’t stop you getting hurt emotionally.

If I had written this 6 months ago I probably would have swooned about the night we met and how it definitely wasn’t love at first sight.

I’d have cringed at the memory of getting his name wrong within minutes of him telling me what it was and how we parted ways thinking nothing more pf each other. I would have smiled thinking about how we got talking a day or so later; about how we fell in love with each others personalities before anything else – because we had spent an entire month talking for hours every day (and every night and every chance we could in between) before eventually meeting face to face again.

I would have reminisced about how we really got to know each other inside out during those talks and how great it felt to have someone who liked me for me… Rather than what they could get from me physically. How we would stay up till silly hours just talking on the phone about anything until our ears were hot. How my heart skipped a beat each time my phone vibrated with a new message from him and how I would look my best from the waist up for our video calls but would often get busted when the camera tipped to reveal my pyjama bottoms and fluffy slippers…but it didn’t matter to him.

I would have marvelled at the fact that I felt like I knew everything there was to know about him because all outside factors were removed, no date nights, no low cut tops… Just me and him talking about our lives- past and present, our wants for the future, our fears and secrets.

I would have raved about the power of the Internet -in particular Facebook chat which then progressed to Skype– and how it managed to connect 2 people (whom were a mere 77miles apart) in more ways than just the literal sense. It allowed us to be together, to talk, to hear…to see each other despite the physical distance. It provided comfort, excitement…But overall it produced love.

BUT

This isn’t 6 months ago… And now I know what those fond memories of mine really are… I know the truth behind the story of how “we” came to be. I know that all of those heart to hearts, all of those deep and meaningfuls… all of that “connecting”  was just an act. It was pretend, a virtual reality… perfect on screen but not much good in practice.

It was done for my benefit as well as his own with no intention to be malicious…but it still hurt in the long run and it was executed brilliantly. I mean acting and lying over a text is so much easier than face to face isn’t it? Which is the ironic thing in this…because I would store those texts, those emails, that chat thread. I would cherish them, I would re-read them if ever we couldn’t get time to talk to each other. I would use them to comfort me when I had a bad day, to encourage me when doubtful of the path ahead… To make me smile when I had nothing else to smile about. They were my modern day love letters – sent and received within seconds AND saving paper 😉 The written text felt so much stronger than just hearing it, more solid… So real!

But they weren’t, none of them were. They were just words formed in a way that he thought would have the greatest impact. Copied from past conversations, heard from TV shows, mimicked for years. Just words from someone who was hiding behind a screen. Like a firewall or an antivirus protecting himself; Testing it’s perimeter and managing to block out any threats… Until one slips through and the whole system fails. Well fuck the system, I’ve slipped through and I’m not going anywhere. I’ve thought about how easy it would be to just hit ‘delete’ on all of those cherished ‘love notes’, the ohotos of us… but I can’t. I don’t want to, it would take seconds to delete them all but I’m sure I would regret it just as quickly. I don’t want to delete parts of our past…even if they weren’t real for him…they were and are real for me.

21st century love is being able to store virtual  memories on an external hard drive, deleting the rubbish and rebooting the system so that when the day comes for you to look back at them- they are safe, protected and unharmed. A perfectly edited version of you…of your past…just the way you want to remember them.

xBx

 

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Therapy : The Oxygen Mask

Concepts in Eric Berne's Transactional Analysis

Concepts in Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I recently met my husbands therapist for the first time. We ended up staying for an extra hour and in those 2 hours I learned so much. There’s a lot of ‘she said’ and numbers involved in this post so apologies if I lose a few of you – a few times throughout lol.

Let me say that due to the nature of this post, this topic…this situation… I’m obviously not going to go into detail of anything that isn’t mine to share so any examples used are purely fabricated for the purpose of… Well giving an example basically lol

The first thing she did was explain all the transactional analysis stuff – which I’ve posted about here– but explained it so it made sense and was relevant to us. The bottom line is that my husband is REALLY hard on himself, maybe not out loud but he is nonetheless. I realised he had low self esteem on some level but I never knew quite the extent of it. For example spilling a drink… To me that’s nothing but for him he hates himself for it – all due to childhood.

She explained that he knows he NEEDS to change but some things he doesn’t necessarily WANT to… Not yet anyway. The reason he NEEDS to change… the reason he wants to WANT to change is to stay with me. He’s doing this for us because he knows that I cant live like this forever. (sounds like I’m a bitch but I need to look out for me too and basically he doesn’t want to lose me) She told me that it would be a long road but he has made so much progress already and I should be proud (I am) and that the trick is to make HIM feel proud of himself too.

She told me that some of his secrets, the things he doesn’t tell me aren’t necessarily BAD, it’s more that he finds hard to tell me because he’s kept them close for years, they’re his good memories and he wants to keep them and needs to learn that he CAN tell them without bad repercussions. I suppose in childhood he learnt (subconsciously) that if he didn’t tell then he couldn’t get in trouble etc so instead he kept everything to himself.

She then used the example of rating each “secret” on a scale of difficulty, 1 being ‘without MUCH effort’ (though for him that’s still a lot) and 10 being ‘wouldn’t tell a soul’. She asked me to give examples of a 1 – which I found difficult in itself as there’s not much I DONT find easy to disclose. So Instead I chose a 2… ‘My mum and dad split when I was nine and he has lived in America ever since’ That statement – for me- has been said so often that now it’s just another fact. I don’t LIKE that fact, I don’t LIKE the ‘awwws’ and the questions that follow but I find it relatively easy to tell. On my husbands scale that would be a ‘7’.

I was then asked to give an example (not necessarily true) of a 10 in my mind. I honestly could not think of anything of my own bad enough to be rated a 10. I mean telling someone their family member just died etc that’s pretty hard but that’s not MY secret is it? The therapist stepped in and said she would find it quite hard to think of one too but maybe if she had cheated on her husband then telling him would be a 10. I have to be honest here…I disagree…and that’s made me question whether I’m just too brutal/blunt/open….THAT for me would be a ‘7’ yes it would be hard but surely if I had cheated in the first place I wouldn’t find it that hard to hurt him anyway.

ANYWAY, seeing as my 2 (pretty easy) was the equivalent of his 7 (really hard) hopefully I haven’t lost you and you see the difference – AND my point. They explained the consequences of telling me (or anyone) anything over a 2, he feels physically sick the higher the number, he berates himself, he panics, he worries….and these symptoms or repercussions can last for days afterwards so basically whenever he reveals things I need to soothe him and thank him etc and at the same time try not to react too much either way -basically don’t make a big deal out of it but don’t ignore the fact he’s opening up…to me.

We agreed to state the rating whenever anything new has been discussed as some of them – to me- are so ‘normal’ i.e. ‘one time this guy at work….’ = ‘4’… that I often don’t realise that it was anything other than small talk.

To put it into perspective once more she asked him the following questions:

How many people have you told a ‘1’ ? – one or two (being me and her)
How many people have you told a ‘5’? – one (me)
How many people have you told a ’10’? one (me again)

Bottom line is...I am the one he trusts, I am the one he is opening up to and I am the one he wants to talk to and be himself with. It suddenly dawned on me that when we first started dating he would often say ‘god I’ve never told anyone that before’ about things which – again- didn’t seem like a big deal to me… well now it does. I asked if that’s the reason he married me – ‘I guess so’

She did ask me how it (our situation) affects me day to day etc but I will leave that for another post so I can pour my heart out a little without taking away from the stuff in this one as all of the above really did open my eyes to exactly what we are going through – and that’s the focus here.

When wrapping up our session she asked if I had any questions….

‘What would you say were the 3 things I CAN to do help….and what 3 things should I steer clear of?’

Oxygen mask made in NY

Oxygen mask made in NY (Photo credit: K. Todd Storch)

To help:

  • He’s already critical of everything so ease off – don’t ignore issues when they arise but think about wording and calming before exploding etc – basically give him a shit sandwich where you give a positive then the negative and follow it with another positive.
  • Thank him when he opens up – its really fucking hard for him to do so
  • Appreciate that he’s trying– for US

As for things to avoid she gave the example of the oxygen mask dropping when a plane is going down….

Who do you put the mask on first? (I said the kids lol) WRONG!
You put it on yourself and THEN help others because how can you help others if you’re not strong enough? Basically I need to take care of myself too otherwise I wont be any good to anyone, take a break, have some fun, treat myself… because I need to be strong for him…just like he is using therapy as his oxygen mask….so that he can be strong for me too.

xBx

 
 

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Farewell

goodbye

goodbye (Photo credit: lanier67)

Last week was my final final session with my counsellor.  We actually had loads to talk about for a change – mainly good but also some recent revelations (which I will leave for another post so I can go into more detail without swamping you today lol) Towards the end he stopped me from moving the topic onto something irrelevant and random (or fluff as I call it as it fills time) and reminded me that it was nearing the end of our session and that we should probably acknowledge the fact that this is our last session as its easier to just talk till the end and pretend its not happening but that’s not the best idea in the world.

We discussed what I should do next in terms of finding a newbie that I like and how to contact them etc. He gave me his ‘final thoughts’ which included his take on our situation and how unique and (not amazing but I cant think of the right word… like shocking/astonishing/fascinating) it was. He said he was proud of the progress – from both of us, that he’s impressed by my determination, my logic, my brains (at which point I made a zombie joke )He said he thinks I should write a book on it or be a counsellor or SOMETHING because I blow his mind every time we meet.

When asked about whether he will go away and wonder what happened next for us he explained that in his job he is trained to distance himself, to leave his work at work and that he is more interested (usually) in the way relationships and mindsets work rather than the context of them BUT he said he probably would wonder because he had never come across a situation like ours or a client like me lol.

I had gone in there thinking I could maybe slip him my blog address in case he ever got curious but I thought better of it, I mean how self centred to think he would WANT to look it up in the future lol but I think part of me just wanted to keep a tie to him so I could know he hadn’t vanished. As the final minutes ticked on he asked how it had been for me, what had I learned etc. I told him it had been a life line – honestly. To be able to get out and talk to someone who had almost gone through it with me from the start, whom had witnessed the moment my life fell apart….I couldn’t have made it through some days as easily if it hadn’t been for him…or at least knowing he was there if i needed him.

I told him he was my sparring partner, my sounding board; that I had learnt that its (our situation) isn’t all about me or caused by me, its not my fault but that I was still allowed to vent my feelings on it (i.e. in sessions) and still needed to look out for myself, my own health -both physically and mentally. Overall I think I have learnt that I have balls! lol I have determination, I am stronger than I ever thought I was or could be and I am as logical as ever…but I already knew that last bit 😉

Obviously I thanked him for everything and as he held the door open for me to leave it took everything I had not to hug him goodbye lol. I walked to the car, proud of myself for doing so well…I had been dreading saying goodbye…and then it hit me and I cried the whole way home lol (silly) I felt so stupid for getting SO upset but all I kept thinking was how that was it, that was 1 of 2 people in my life…in HUMAN/FACE TO FACE/VOICE form, whom know both the situation in detail AND MY thoughts on it…in detail…gone…forever. Screw the worries of meeting the newbie and having to talk about it all over again…this person is gone for good.

At no point in all of this did I delude myself with the thought that he was a friend or anything, I’m very aware that I am just another client to him etc but still, even on a professional level the thought of him gone, my weekly sparring session, the routine, the change…its gone. Urgh I actually got a little watery eyed just now by thinking about it again lol.

It felt like when you were younger and made friends on a 2 week holiday (vacation lol) and you wave them off without thinking much about it and then you realise that those people affected your whole holiday, you now have new memories, you had good times with them but the chances are (unless you live close) you’ll probably never see them again (pre facebook/skype etc)

Luckily – once home – my boss got in touch and asked if i was able to go to work a little earlier so I jumped at the chance and offered to start even earlier otherwise I probably would have cried for the next few hours about it and turned up a mess. So…a week on…and it’s still feeling a bit fresh. I did cry about it a few nights ago when talking to hubby about it but I think yes in part its the sadness, the loss but mostly its about the change and disruption to the norm (again)…anxiety about the unknown I suppose. BUT I need to stay positive…

*deep breath*

  • I CAN do this
  • I WILL find a newbie whom I connect with
  • In theory my counsellor didn’t do anything except listen to me – I’m the one doing the leg work
  • Meeting a newbie will stop me getting into a rut and test my social skills lol
  • It will give me a chance to talk about everything again -now that I know more details perhaps a few more things will click and make sense
  • Continuing with counselling with help me AND hubby as I cant be strong for him if I am not strong for myself

So I guess now all I need to do is pick up the phone and make an appointment…wish me luck

xBx

 
 

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Motivation Monday: And she’s back in the game

I am now a member :)

I am now a member 🙂

It’s been over a week since I updated about the world of Beth. It’s been busy – the good kind again. Last week and the next I’m doing extra work hours in the daytime – which is when I used to write- so by the time I’m home in the evening I’m just shattered and not in the mood to write much – plus then it’s cooking, cleaning, hubby time and early to bed so even if I was in the mood there just don’t seem to be enough hours lol.

I mentioned in a previous motivation post that I wanted to get some reading done and start dipping my toes into genres which wouldn’t usually interest me – how do I know this? I don’t!  I’ve not tried reading many other genres so I’m about to find out.

Over the last few months I’ve been sent some e-books to read – beta reading? etc So I’ve been catching up on those – I’m not allowed to blog about them yet as they’re confidential and all that but a few of the short stories have been great! Aside from those I have been lucky enough to get my hands on some rather special previews of 2 books written by some bloggers I follow on here –The Crazy Nigerian and Olivia from the Claymore and the Surcoat– which I am so excited to get my teeth into 🙂 I was sent them after stalking their blogs a week or so back and I have promised to leave a review etc on completion…but I think I will go a step further and leave a few on different sites -including on here- meaning now I need to figure out what makes a good book review lol. I’ve opted to start with the ‘Crazy Nigerians’ book as that one is shorter and so far – only a chapter or 2 in- I am loving it so hopefully I’ll find some spare time to keep charging through that -or I’ll just lose more sleep and stay up later lol.

I managed to get some writing done but not a lot, I did a post for the RCC, one for the Community Storyboard and am currently in the process of collaborating on a post for The MisAdventures of Vanilla which I am excited about but I guess time differences and schedules are getting in the way a little…regardless we will get there in the end. Apologies for not writing more lately, as I said above I have just not been able to get into the right mood to actually get all my thoughts written down. Watch this space though, Beth will bounce back as usual.

I DID manage to sort through some clothes etc but most of the unwanted stuff got thrown as they weren’t worthy of charity shopping and the stuff I kept… Well it’s all near and organised now so that’s something – doubt it will last long though lol

The details of my manual handling course are still pending but in the mean time I’ve been looking up a few short -fun- courses such as cupcake making (I’ve always wanted to do that lol) but there don’t seem to be many near me i.e. in the middle of nothingness so I may just learn from you tube for now. Speaking of cakes it’s hubby’s birthday coming up so I’m going to make him a cake *shock horror* or at least buy one and ice it or something – that way I have an excuse to practice making pretty (or manly) things and he can eat it lol. I tried for the first time EVER over the weekend and it was the ugliest cake I’ve ever seen BUT god it tasted amazing! Plus I didn’t have a rolling pin so had to use a makeshift one (a roll of cooking foil) and with that in mind it wasn’t THAT bad. This weekend I will be stocking up on tools and equipment to scratch my creative itch 🙂

Last week I met my husbands therapist, spoke to his mum AND his sister got in touch…AND it was my final final session with my counsellor – I will leave all of that for separate posts as there is quite a bit to cover.

OH…MY….Guess who I met last week….only THE legend himself BeetleyPete! AND MRS PETE TOO! It was great, we got photos -which I wont post on here- but that was one thing (Pete kindly reminded me) that I wanted to take away from our meet and greet 🙂

I had been a little nervous about meeting him – like with meeting anyone from the internet- both because I think you’re always worried that something will change the way you talk online i.e. dribbling when talking or smelling like a swamp (shallow I know) but luckily Pete (nor Mrs Pete) did either of those lol – and then comes in the danger factor. I learnt a long time ago that people online can be very different in person – heck I’ve learnt the same for the ones you’re married to! lol – Saying that the same goes for meeting any man I suppose- so despite my gut telling me all would be fine I was still prepared to go alone if that was the case – public place, phone calls when I’m leaving, maybe the odd spying friend watching through the window lol.

Needless to say none of that seemed necessary when it came down to it, in fact not only was Mrs Pete there but hubby came too! And not just to make sure I didn’t get kidnapped (adult-napped?) I had asked out of courtesy if he would like to come and to my surprise he said yes – despite knowing that he was about to meet someone whom knew a lot more about him than anyone else he knows (bar me of course) he was fine with it – as was Pete, no judgements, no snide comments which is more than I can say for the few people who know LESS than he does (well done Pete lol) I guess that’s the difference between maturity levels showing there.

As far as goals go it seems I actually didn’t do as bad as I thought, I still need to work on my spelling (only certain words) but everything else is ticked off 🙂

Goals for this week:

  • Make the counselling appointment
  • Buy creative tools and some well needed bits and bobs this weekend with my first full ‘pay check’
  • DON’T spend ALL of it in one go
  • Carry on reading
  • Fit in some blogging

PoGeHaGo

  • I am proud that I managed to ice my first ever cake without killing anyone in the process
  • I am happy that I now understand hubby a little better
  • I am thankful for bedtime reading

Have a good week 🙂

xBx

 
13 Comments

Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Under construction

 

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