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Grab the bull by the P(h)ORN

Watching Porn

Watching Porn (Photo credit: WarzauWynn)

I have a confession….I watched porn the other week

*shock horror!*

For anyone who doesn’t know why this is world breaking news or worthy of a post… Well sod off now lol joking come back come back. It’s a long story… Which starts here for those who don’t already know it nut basically I hate porn, I always have and even more so since discovering my husbands “fondness” (dependence) of it.

My counsellor and I discussed this in a session recently and he asked the question which I have been asked many times before… Why? (he agreed there’s some nasty stuff out there etc and that given my current marital situation it’s understandable but…) why do I hate it? What is it that gets me so angry? Even before these issues in my marriage… Even before I met my husband what it is about porn that I don’t like?

It’s the one question guaranteed to upset me, it’s one that for years has made me leave the room when discussions are bought up, the question that always makes me feel like a prude… Like there’s something wrong with me seeing as the majority of people I know are fine with it… Have no problem with it or even watch it. Well I’m not a prude, I DO stuff in the bedroom, I’m open to trying new things… But maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s that in my mind your partner should be enough for you; that I should be enough for my partner… I’ve offered to watch it with my husband before.. With exs… Just to be turned down and then find them sneaking off to watch it alone (makes me sound great doesn’t it(!) ) in my mind I don’t think that porn should be necessary in a loving… Committed relationship.

***All you porn lovers about to jump in… Please remember these are MY views, MY opinions… MY blog. You can defend it all you like but – while appreciating other views etc I get it… I can understand it but that doesn’t mean I will EVER like it or agree with its existence.***

Back to my counsellor- he asked if I had watched any… Not since I was younger but it’s not hard to find really is it? He asked whether I would ever watch any again… Like I said I’ve tried but after being turned down porn now feels like “the other woman” somewhere I just don’t want to go. He asked what my mother thought about porn (trying to figure out the root) … I’ve never discussed porn with my mother.

So… I figured in the name of science… I’d watch some.

I went to a site I know well having added it to every porn blocker in the world… And straight away my stomach turned. GIFs of old women… Girls getting “gang banged” categories (with thumbnails) of “fatties” “pre teen” “cum shots” and a nice advert down the side saying “your wife will never find out” – yes she will!!

I closed the page feeling sick, the deceit… The sneakiness… The lies that I associate with porn *urgh* no wonder guys feel compelled to hide it when its suggested right there that most other men hide it from their significant others too.

I composed myself- deep breath- try again.

French Windows

French Windows (Photo credit: antonella.beccaria)

I opted for “classic” porn, which I assumed to be typical man and woman… Come to fix your washing machine type porn. In this one a girl (yup she’s hot) is stood by some French windows (lovely house) in a slutty but innocent outfit (needs to stop shopping in the kids department) she looks into the camera whilst doing her thing (basically warming up) and yes I admit it it’s hot. I get it… She’s attractive, she’s got a great body and she’s confident… Then comes the guy who basically walks in and she gets to work and that’s when it gets weird (for me) again.

I’ve heard flatmates shagging before, I’ve even found myself trapped in a kitchen after some drunken flatmates decided to go at it in the hallway wrongly assuming the house was empty… I’ve heard my neighbours going at it to the point where I knew who had finished first… But I’ve never felt the need to sit and watch them! Or get off on it! Again, I get it to a point, you’re watching this person seducing YOU, they’re looking straight at the camera, straight at YOU but then someone else’s bits come into shot and your back to watching someone else…

All I kept thinking was how fake it all was, how loveless… How these girls (and guys) do this for money… They do this with different people all the time. I know there are precautions and regular check ups and stuff AND that there are a lot of promiscuous people out there – I’m no virgin- BUT still… It probably goes back to the loveless sex, the flatness of it… I wouldn’t want to think about my partner with anyone else…let alone multiples… I suppose I don’t like the thought of emotionless sex (ironically) and that thought turned me off instantly. Yeah she’s fit and all but you wouldn’t want to marry her would you? Would you want her to mother your kids? Would you want them finding out what she used to let men do to her for money? and as for mother and daughter porn or Granny bouncing around… Well… Eww. Where’s the self respect? There’s a massive lack of respect from anyone really where porn is concerned… Yeah they’re acting but still It just all seems a bit desperate to me.

I mean… By all means watch it for inspiration or to spice things up a bit but in my mind that’s as far as it should go… Where’s the romance? its so tacky…its so loveless…its so…fake. Fake boobs, fake hair… Fake orgasms! Yeah they look good but jeebus that’s high maintenance! I wouldn’t mind some fakeness… Here and there but the upkeep would be boring and expensive and overall it’s a standard that most of us “plain” girls can’t reach or shouldn’t have to! The fakeness gives people an ideal which is unachievable for most mere mortals, the fakeness of the sex…of the acts…the roughness…it makes sex a thing…it makes the people objects…there is no love making, there is no real passion….its all lust and a good hard… well you know. It takes the fun out of sex for people like me and turns it into a really boring competition, one that you are realistically never going to win because you’re fighting against something that is fantasy…it isn’t real!

A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole

A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Maybe it’s slight jealousy on my part because I don’t have what they do, I don’t have the money or the time… But even if I did I’d much rather spend it on something I would enjoy… Not to stroke the ideals of anyone else. Perhaps I envy their bodies…I’m sure they work hard to maintain that and good for them but to be honest I enjoy a good meal, I’d rather spend time with the people I love than spend hours at the gym and I would rather enjoy life in general than worry too much about looking amazing. I’m actually quite happy with the way I look – and I’m pretty sure a lot more people would feel the same if this ideal wasn’t drummed into every porn-atics mind…but even then… like with strippers… these girls are always going to look great because they’re always going to be replaced with younger models -and that annoys me lol. We literally have no choice but to age and to let nature take its toll, meanwhile the porn industry gets fresh meat all the time and reminds the viewers (or my husband) what they are missing. It makes me angry because while of course its good to take care of yourself and to take pride in your appearance (and I do) but porn is setting the bar so bloody high!

On top of that (no pun intended) there’s the rougher stuff, its actually upsetting to see; again I get rough stuff is fun every now and then (and with boundaries) but the things I’ve seen…. Its worrying. The thought of impressionable guys (or girls whatever) watching this stuff and assuming that the norm… its worrying. Its scary. Its fucking dangerous! The rough stuff AND the other stuff, people are seeing this without actually experiencing reality, they’re assuming real people act like this, look like this…LIKE this stuff… and its not true.

So after all of this what did I learn? What did I take away from it? I still hate it, I still don’t agree with it, it still makes me feel sick. Yeah maybe I could do with a bit more eye contact, confidence works… well in a normal situation which doesn’t involve MY husband it would anyway. I understand the appeal of it (if watched in moderation lol), I know the importance of knowing your own body and exploring yourself etc I get that sometimes you need to mix it up a bit and put the effort in, make sex fun…passionate…LOVING! I realise that men are more visual while women are able to use their imagination… but I still believe that -when in a relationship- all of that should be naturally done together, it should be an expression of your love for one another, your desire for one another…not an attempt to persuade your partner to choose you over porn.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

xBx

 
 

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Duh!

email

email (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

I got the email from his therapist and as soon as I opened it I literally said aloud: DUH! (The quote button isnt working so all bits from the article are in italic)

‘Growing Up with Drinking or Other Substance Abuse
When a parent or important adult misuses or abuses alcohol or another substance, it can have a profound effect on the whole family, especially on the children. You may have asked yourself, “How was my family affected?”
Although each family differs, there are some common qualities within families where an adult abuses alcohol or another substance. These similarities include: the fact that life feels chaotic, people feel inconsistent, roles are unclear, rules are arbitrary, and change feels daunting. There may also be relational conflict, repetitious and illogical thinking, and perhaps violence and various abuses including sexual, verbal, and physical. The family is dominated by the co-existence of denial and substance use. The substance use becomes the major family secret, often denied inside the family as well as to outsiders. In an effort to hold the family together in the face of difficulties caused by the substance abuse, the family changes its strategies for coping and the beliefs it shares.
Claudia Black, a leading author and theorist regarding the impact of adult substance abuse on children, has written about several rules in alcoholic homes including, but not limited to, these:
 1.    Don’t feel. Due to the constant pain of living with an adult substance user, a child must “quit feeling” in order to survive. After all, what’s the use of hurting all the time? In these families, when emotions are expressed, they are often abusive and are frequently prompted by drunkenness. These outbursts have no positive result and, along with the drinking, are usually denied the following day. Thus, children have had few if any opportunities to see emotions expressed appropriately, or used to foster constructive change. “So,” the child thinks, “why feel anything, when the feelings will only get out of control and won’t change anything anyway? I don’t want to hurt more than I already do.”
 2.    Don’t talk. Children of adult substance users learn in their families not to talk about a huge part of their reality – the drinking or substance use. This results from the family’s need to deny that a problem exists and that drinking is tied to that problem. That which is so evident must not be spoken aloud. There is often an unspoken hope that, if no one mentions the drinking, it won’t happen again. There is also no good time to talk. It is impossible to talk when a parent is drunk; but when that parent is sober, everyone wants to forget. From this early training, the children often develop a tendency to not talk about anything unpleasant.
 3.    Don’t trust. In alcoholic families, promises are often forgotten, celebrations cancelled and adults’ moods unpredictable. As a result, children learn not to count on others and often have a hard time believing that others can care enough to follow through on their commitments.’

a beautiful macro shot of Crystal Methamphetam...

Crystal Methamphetamine (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One thing I have known from the start is that his dad (back in the states) is a meth addict. How did I not put the 2 together?! I suppose its because he’s always been quite matter-of-fact about it and at the same time he’s always kind of brushed over it. I must admit I’ve always found their relationship strange, he’s told me what kind of man his dad was when he (my husband) was younger, the extent of the drugs and money problems etc, he’s painted a rather negative image of him and yet he calls him every now and then and makes the effort with him…wanted to visit him next time we go to the states etc

I know from experience that every family has their secrets, issues…their black sheep…so I just took it as that and left it alone. My dad was (probably is) an alcoholic – which is probably where I get some of my (almost) co-dependent characteristics; I’ve had family members or friends linked to drugs…but never the strong stuff. Never meth. So I don’t think I understood just how serious that is.When I told my counsellor his reaction was a raised eyebrow, wide eyes and…‘WOW…yeah that’ll do it’

His dad has sons much older than him and his mum has a daughter who is older too…the 2 then had my husband…and split a few years later. I haven’t met any of his family but judging by the contact between them now he’s across the pond the brothers at least don’t seem very close to him. He talks to his mum and his sister tries to control him from afar…its all very complicated and I’m sure they all have their issues to boot…I’m just not married to them.

The article goes on to say: “If my family is the root of all this, why do my brothers and sisters seem OK?”…Each family member tends to find his or her own way to live with these rules. Different “roles” emerge for children in their attempts to make sense of the chaos.’ It talks about the ‘Hero – the responsible children’ (which describes his sister), the ‘Placater- people pleaser’ and the entertainers. Also the adjuster and the scapegoat which were the 2 which I found most interesting in relation to my husband.

Adjuster: These children learn never to expect or to plan anything, and tend to follow without question. They often strive to be invisible and to avoid taking a stand or rocking the boat. As a result, they often come to feel that they are drifting through life and are out of control.

Scapegoat: These people are identified as the “family problem.” They are likely to get into various kinds of trouble, including drug and alcohol abuse, as a way of expressing their anger at the family. They also function as a sort of pressure valve; when tension builds in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave, allowing the family to avoid dealing with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of feelings other than anger.

Crystal Meth

Crystal Meth (Photo credit: eighteen1)

I just cant believe I didn’t even consider how his dads behaviour would have affected him. My counsellor explained to me more about the lifestyle surrounding most meth addicts; the paranoia, the panic or need for money and more drugs… the things you would be exposed to when buying it, the people, the places associated. Maybe not in my husbands case…and to be fair he still doesn’t remember most of his life before the ages of 9 so who knows what he experienced? However, apparently the more him and his therapist talk about his past the more he is starting to remember slowly so that sounds hopeful…so what happens next? Lets go back to the article…

‘Trying to forget the past without understanding how it affected you will usually not work, and may prolong its costs. Because you learned as a child to relate to others by following your family’s rules, you are likely to bring these same behaviours into your adult relationships, even if you do not think you will.

Recovery: The best way to “move on” is to squarely face the past, its importance, and its meaning for you. Often this means understanding your parents and yourself, so that the healing process can begin. You can actively work to replace self-destructive behaviours with healthy behaviours. Recovery from co-dependency involves accepting your reality, becoming in tune with your thoughts and feelings, setting boundaries in your relationships, expressing your wants and needs, and establishing a sense of self-worth, self-love, and self-appreciation.

To summarise… its going to take a lot of work lol but at least that work has started in his sessions.

xBx

 

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The final part: Thank Google!

Image representing Google as depicted in Crunc...

Image via CrunchBase

In the week that he had been gone I made some changes…mainly to the technology in the house. I PIN protected the ‘adult’ channels on the TV, separated the old laptop from its charger and hid them both and put a porn filter on the one we actually use. Clicking ‘install’ I felt empowered…relaxed….covered…and ready to start a fresh with my husband #2.

My counsellor had told me to keep doing what I was doing; to research things in order to try to understand it and to try to prepare myself of things to come, to let my husband lead…make the choices…take the steps…initiate intimacy – but of course putting my foot down where it mattered. He told me I should be proud of myself for being so strong, that I wasn’t a fool for wanting to work this out…or at least wanting to see if we could stay together. It was no secret that this wasn’t going to be easy but I was going into it feet first.

The morning after we were first ‘together’ intimately, I had sleepily woken up as he was leaving for work; I actually thought he had left already and went to the bathroom…to find no toilet roll- don’t you just LOVE it when that happens? So I went downstairs to get some and was met by a sheepish looking husband standing in the doorway of the living room. Once past the surprise of seeing him – he had told me he was due to start work 15 minutes earlier- I clicked that something was going on.

‘Were you watching porn again’
‘Yes’
‘Fuck off to work’

I said it calmly and without another word he left.

FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE WANKER!…but…HOW??

THEN I realised that in order to get the filter password protected I would have to pay (something like £6 for a years cover) so all he had needed to do when the banned page screen had come up was to click ‘trust this site’ and it was added to his white list! Arrrrggggghhhhhh! Massive fail on my part…how annoying! I had honestly thought that I wouldn’t ever have this sick, useless, hideous feeling again…or at least not so soon after letting him back. Gutted!

I was angry, I was hurt…I was embarrassed! I got on Google again and that’s when I read something that changed my reaction completely… which of course I cant find the bloody link for now! I am not stating this for all suffers etc and please remember that we don’t know 100% that he has PTSD but judging by the way he has been that’s the thing we are going with until proven otherwise, but anyway…

 

Day 23 - Addicted

Day 23 – Addicted (Photo credit: nataliej)

There is a link between addiction (drink/drugs/gambling/PORN) and PTSD. (I’ll add some links at the end of this post for those interested)

Discovering this was a massive ‘OHHHH’ moment. Everything clicked -even more so than the previous times. he had said things about being ‘dirty’ and ‘sick’ before and apparently many sufferers feel shame or like they are ‘disgusting’. He was clearly addicted to porn…of course he was…it was the only time he could FEEL anything…it was the only time he could get some kind of thrill without needing to put on a show for my benefit… remember all the times before I hadn’t known about his feeling of emotional numbness…I had just thought he was being a twat. I had finally put 2 and 2 together…I finally understood and I finally realised that it REALLY really wasn’t anything to do with me being shit.  He has a history of drug abuse…even that makes sense now and considering his line of work drink and drug abuse are out of the question so porn is his next best thing. Yes it sucks (excuse the pun) for me, but in the list of addiction possibilities which one would I prefer he had? He could be blowing thousands on fruit machines…he could be drunkenly attacking me every other night…but he’s not doing that…he’s sneaking in a quick one before work.

Regardless of what it is, its still a problem which needs addressing…I cant live like this…but now I KNOW all of this we can work on it. By the time he came home I was prepared, he walked in looking sheepish and clearly expecting some kind of slap round the face (which I have never and will never do btw) and instead he was shocked when I opened my arms and told him cuddle me. As he did he asked me to please password protect the internet (which I had already done -PROPERLY this time) and he admitted that he needed help with the porn side of things too.

YES! He’s admitted it…he’s accepted it…while I know most of you are probably wanting to shake me right now, for us this was progress.

I told him what I had found out about the link and he seemed relieved…he wasn’t a ‘freak’…he wasn’t a ‘monster’…there was a reason behind it…something that could be helped. I told him that I now understood it more BUT just because it seems to be part of this it does NOT give him a free pass….he doesn’t get to be a dick about it…he doesn’t get to continue disrespecting me. He agreed, he apologised, He sat down, opened the laptop…and Googled private therapists for himself.

Progress.

xBx

 

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