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The following has been playing on my mind a lot lately…Let’s call this…Therapy

A few weeks ago I heard news of a shooting on a military base in Texas – Fort Hood.

I didn’t know anyone involved or even anyone living nearby but it affected me massively.

The shooter was a military man, he had a wife and kid(s) and he killed -I believe- 3 people, injured around 14 others and then killed himself.

Apparently this man was suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or something similar… he was troubled in one way or another and to be honest I feel for him. I’ve been in dark places before, thankfully not dark enough to harm others but the thought of harming myself…well it wasn’t out of the question. Looking back I shudder at some of the things I used to think, It actually embarrasses me thinking about it but ultimately I got help, things got better and the only times I look back is to remind myself how far I have come.

I realise that we are never safe, there are bad people out there who will hurt us randomly, we will be in the wrong place at the wrong time…stuff like this happens. To be associated with or linked to a military base always holds that worry of attacks, they are obvious targets and perhaps one reason why I wouldn’t choose to live on the base itself but to have someone FROM the INSIDE do something like this is absolutely terrifying.

I’m sure you can see where the PTSD links have affected me. I know there are different levels of it, different versions even and of course different causes; I know that not everyone with PTSD will end up shooting a bunch of people but the fact that this happened…I don’t know.

What about the people injured, the people who witnessed friends and colleagues die…the family and friends of those people… think of the affect it will have on them. Therapy, Some form of PTSD, alcoholism, drug abuse…you know, things to ease the pain. The anger, the hurt…the breakdown of communication between loved ones. Think how many people would be changed by that day and who would then change their relationships at home. The ripple effect of repercussions is terrifying! Where and how does it end?

I suppose this incident has shown me one extreme outcome but all I keep thinking (apart from about the families of those involved) is ‘his poor wife!’

Did she know he was at this point? Were there signs? What were they? How exactly would you ever assume – or believe- that the person you love would actually do something like this?…and what happens to her now? What on earth is going through her mind? Apparently this woman discovered that the shooter was in fact her husband because they said it on the news! How terrible! They had children, how do you explain to a child why daddy isn’t coming home and why these people are looking at them strangely? How does that family move on from this?

This incident has scared me, for the first time since being married, since finding out everything about my husband… the thought of not really knowing your partner – or what they are capable of- has hit home. I don’t for one minute believe he would do anything like this, or that I would let it get to that point… but I’m sure the Fort Hood shooters wife thought the same thing about her husband.

How do you get past this?

xBx

 

 

 

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#13 As sick as your secrets

**Continuing on from my last post (here) ***

Number 9 Sign

Number 9 Sign (Photo credit: tedeytan)

In order for this to make as much sense as possible, its probably a good idea to read back (if you haven’t already) about our rating scale technique – posted here.

After telling me how he knows he can trust me and explaining that its hard to tell me the things he WANTS to tell me let alone the things he’s not ready to talk about yet…he then said something which made my heart stop.

“I’m really tempted to tell you my 10…but I don’t feel like it’s right yet…

so are you ready for a 9?”

Of course I wont go into detail of it here but that 9 of his was shocking…and not in the way you would assume. what took me by surprise was how NORMAL his 9 was…this massive secret which he was too scared to say to anyone for his entire life…this 9 out of 10 on the scale of difficulty…was something so…common that had I not known it was a ‘9’ for him i probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he told me.

I’ll give you what I think would be a (fictional of course) comparison of this ‘9’ of his…

  • ‘I wet the bed till I was 11’
  • ‘I still cry at Disney films’
  • ‘I’m afraid of the dark’

Of course the content was a relief…you would assume something as hard to disclose as that would automatically mean it’s something bad but -like she said before- it’s not always the content that is hard to tell…it’s just that its something of his. What has blown my mind repeatedly in all of this is how little he has ‘Googled’ about this stuff…because if he had then he may have worked out by now that he is not weird…or that other people go through this stuff too. Regardless, because I knew how hard it was to tell me- BEFORE he told me, I was able to react in an encouraging way. Instead of shrugging it off i thanked him for letting me in, instead of giggling or making an inappropriate joke i was able to take it seriously and actually listen to what he was telling me but most importantly i was able to reassure him that he is not a freak…that he shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and that this thing is more common than he realises…I was able to put his mind at ease -so in that sense the rating scale saved the day as without it i probably wouldn’t have reacted – or appreciated it – the same way.

His therapist had explained to me how he should be telling himself ‘its ok…nothing bad happened’ at any times when he does something which he sees as a ‘fuck up’ – for example spilling a drink like I explained in the post about the oxygen mask…OR when he tells me something of his. So again I was able to remind him of that once he told me his 9- literally by telling him ‘see…nothing bad has happened…its ok’ and then physically by keeping my body language the same, by kissing him etc -My health and social care teacher would be proud lol…those A levels are really paying off now ha ha.

He allowed me to ask questions so I started slow and eventually (a handful of questions later) we got to a point where he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I let it go and we carried on as normal (see…nothing happened!) I thought it only fair to share one of my higher numbers with him to even the score but again, seeing as I’m probably a bit too open all i could find was a 5/6…that being a poem I had written on the Community Storyboard about cuddling him in bed (here) The reason that was a 5/6 was because its my true feelings about us and its MY blog but I shared that with him (whilst hiding behind a pillow) and he liked it so I think we both felt a little lighter after that- and closer to each other too.

For me to find a 5/6 is pretty rare…there’s not a lot that i wouldn’t tell him or share with him…or not much that i would find difficult anyway… but there was ONE other 5 that I let him into and that was meeting BeetleyPete a few weeks ago. For me meeting Pete (and Mrs Pete) was important to ME. It involved going somewhere I usually go by myself…one of my happy places I suppose (which I don’t have many of now I live here) and introducing my husband to THE blogging legend himself. It was something I was looking forward to and I was almost a little bit protective of…something I didn’t want to be tainted by anything or anyone…something for me…which I allowed him into…something I shared with him. THAT was hard for me to do…but I did it…and nothing bad happened 🙂

Another thing his therapist had explained during that session was what he would feel like after divulging something of his; and so with this information and knowing how big this secret was for him I was prepared for what happened next. I knew how shit he would be feeling…and it was obvious that he was; He said he felt physically sick and that night he asked me NOT to cuddle him in bed (and apologised for asking lol) But i understood why he was being that way so did whatever I could to make him see that no matter what I was still here for him and that this secret had not and would not change anything. For the next few days he was a little bit ‘off’ but I was able to let him ride the wave without giving him too much shit for being in a mood and keep reassuring him without actually making a big deal out of it.

Its been a while since his 9…and he’s back to normal as far as the aftermath of it goes but he’s still not ready for his 10…and I am not pushing for it. Its good to know he felt safe enough to open up to me – and that I knew how to handle it once he did; I think – for us- this was a major breakthrough, I feel closer to him – almost smug actually lol- and I hope he feels closer to me too…but most importantly I hope I have shown him that it IS ok to let me in…because nothing bad happens when he does 🙂

xBx

 

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#12 Here’s looking at YOU

Cut Eye

Cut Eye (Photo credit: lindes)

One of the big highs over the last month I suppose was when we made some progress in the bedroom. I’m not sure how many of you would consider what I am about to tell you a ‘high point’. What we do is by no means ‘normal’ but its what works for us in our situation and has progressed and evolved to suit us over time. Of course its still not ideal but you work with what you’ve got don’t you?

Usually we would have intercourse and then I would straddle him and ‘give him a hand’ to him help him finish. It worked but the lack of eye contact made me feel shit. Over time we had removed barriers and things got better but every now and then the insecurities and embarrassment crept back in. – I posted about that here

Well for a while its been difficult, both going through stages of awkwardness, emotions making it either amazing or non existent… Triggers preventing me from wanting to do what we usually do so for a while we had “normal” sex and after he would “do himself” while I lay with him kissing him (and him kissing back) for us that worked. (Again I posted here about it) We both had fun and we both got the release which usually comes from sex. For us – with our history considered it was a mini breakthrough… Knowing he would still climax with me kissing him and touching him… Being there with him in a loving way and not just another hand helping him out.

Well at some point I was laying next to him and just kept thinking how wrong all of this was, THIS was not what I pictured my sex life to be like… my marriage to be like…I felt so irrelevant… So unnecessary… So useless. I could feel my stomach turning and my eyes watering and realised this wasn’t the first time I had felt like this…THIS was turning into a trigger for me. It was at that point that I thought…NO! This needs to stop now. I am NOT going to let myself feel like this, I am NOT going to do this more often than I want to just to stop myself worrying about him sneaking off for a wank if I say no! I will NOT lay here and feel like shit to -in essence- cock block my own husband – I shouldn’t fucking have to! At the end of the day if he WANTS to sneak off for some DIY then he will regardless of whether we went through this 2 days before or 2 hours before…there is nothing I can do about it and really what good is it doing? its not, its giving him a release and every time its making ME feel worse…its letting him have it his way while my confidence slams lower and lower every time he squeezes his eyes shut to block ME out! that is not taking care of myself. I either need to take control of this and protect myself or get the hell out before I get dragged down any further, I can not live this way forever.

I said nothing about it to him and instead vowed to say no more often, to say no unless i was actually in the mood for it, unless i felt confident enough for it…WANTED enough. no kind of game playing involved here by the way, this wasn’t some kind of ‘turn him down to make him want me’ game…this was me growing a pair and putting my foot down. So for the next few nights I said no. I told him I would rather ‘cuddle’ tonight (lol) and in truth it WAS nice just cuddling and talking, it took away that anxiety.

Eventually, I felt stronger again and we did our thing and instantly I felt better for holding off on it, it felt less wrong and more right. Obviously the set up was the same but I was doing it because I wanted to which took away a massive amount of doubt and insecurity. This time the kissing was more passionate too – rather than going through the motions…it was more intense…more enjoyable. Afterwards we lay together and out of nowhere he said

 ‘you did that’

-Not understanding what he meant he explained that he had been thinking about me/us the majority of the time rather than focusing on those intrusive thoughts (that he wont tell me as he’s ashamed of them) Surprised and confused – as before he could only really ‘get off’ if he let those thoughts take over and any ‘normal’ (according to him) thoughts were pushed aside- he explained that the more we have been doing it like this…kissing etc he’s been thinking more and more about us rather than the other stuff.

THAT was amazing to hear, he had offered up that fact without me asking for it, he told me because HE felt good about it…proud i suppose as until this point for him those thought have been all he’s ever had so for him to be able to push past that was a breakthrough for him…and sharing it with me was a breakthrough for US too. It reminded me that while I cant always see – or don’t always realise- the baby steps we are making…HE is making his own and when he is ready he will tell me.

Eyes Wide Open (Gotye song)

Eyes Wide Open (Gotye song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For a while after that we were feeling positive, our confidence grew and I even ventured back to our original ways without feeling sick about it. One of the things that had kept putting me off was the lack of eye contact so I had almost trained myself to not make eye contact with him during ‘his turn’ – to avoid seeing him squeeze his eyes shut so tightly I suppose :/ But like I’ve said before we all close our eyes when we are in the moment, we all have random/irrelevant thoughts coming in and out of our heads sometimes…the difference being that we don’t always SHARE them and most of us don’t have thoughts that overrule everything else.

Well…recently he’s been keeping his eyes open 🙂 and he can still manage to climax lol. Again, he made a point of telling me (in case I hadn’t noticed) because HE felt good about it and because HE was making progress with his own demons. Of course its not nice to have felt like this before and making eye contact with your wife…or just being able to LOOK at your wife whilst being intimate shouldn’t be a big deal…but for us it is and ultimately its not about the way I look, it’s not ME putting him off. This is a big step for him towards letting go of the things that hold him back, towards letting ME in to his world…

xBx

 
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Posted by on July 4, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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Motivation Monday: Rollercoaster Ride

I am now a member :)

I am now a member 🙂

Happy Monday everyone 🙂
I’ve had a busy week or so (posted about here if anyone’s interested) and this next week is set to be a rollercoaster….

Today I have my last counselling session with my current counsellor. I’m anxious about it, I’m really worried I’m going to cry when its time to say goodbye…like this is actually goodbye …forever! I’ve been thinking…it amazes me how he can walk away from this situation (not like that but…) and carry on without knowing how it ends. That would drive me insane! Lol I know they’re trained for stuff and they don’t get emotionally involved etc and I’m not the most important person in the world etc but still… does that mean all counsellors are capable of putting down a good book 3 chapters from the end and never even googling to find out the ending? Lol I suppose this is why I couldn’t be a counsellor – despite him telling me (repeatedly) I should consider it. The other reason I’m anxious is because saying goodbye to him means saying hello to a brand new counsellor at some point in the next few weeks…and seeing as there IS NO turnover/hand-over point (trust me…I’ve asked…there are no notes, no meetings nothing) I will have to tell the newbie my whole situation…from the start…in detail! Maybe I should just send him a link to my blog and wait for him to contact me once he’s caught up lol

Tomorrow I have THE dentist appointment…the biggie! (posted here) I have booked 2 days off work to recover…or just lay there and die for a few days. I don’t think I would be any good to anyone turning up miserable, unable to talk and drugged up to my eyeballs. Its not even anything massive being done to my mouth – well the equivalent of 4 fillings in one go… but seeing as my migraines have been full force over the last few weeks I’m kind of pre-empting their strike and covering my arse.

Wednesday…I will be recovering and I have planned to spend the day getting some posts written up – finally. I have so many ideas and brainstorms for posts but its just a case of writing them all down. Also since sorting out my bosses house – SO many trips to the charity shop…to the point where the women who work there no longer bother hiding their ‘urgh’ faces at the sight of more bags of clothing… I have been inspired to sort out my own. I have loads of clothes I don’t wear, I’ve kept some ‘just in case’ for years now…so whilst drugged up I will sort through them at my leisure and hopefully I’ll feel a little lighter all round after that.

ThursdayI am going with hubby to meet HIS therapist! I am nervous as hell…firstly because I don’t know what she’s going to say. The last time I went into a room with my husband and a professional was the day that hubby told me the truth and dropped his bombshell (posted here) so I’m sure you can understand why I’m a bit anxious, in the back of my mind I’ll be walking into a room with those two already knowing what’s coming and he will drop another one…. BUT apparently I’m going because she wants to meet me and has done from day one – to get my thoughts and everything else I suppose. Secondly I’m worried about dropping him into it and telling her things they haven’t covered yet or he’s not comfortable with; I spoke to my counsellor about it and he laughed and said its funny how much I put on my own shoulders and how responsible I feel. He reassured me she’s ready for most things and that I need to be honest to help my husband AND myself. Also its going to be hard going into a new surrounding and meeting a new person as I’m so used to my counsellor and his little room…lots of changes…Beth doesn’t like change lol (how ironic!)

Friday I am meeting up with a blogging friend…that’s right Beetley Pete (and his lovely wife 🙂 ) I’m excited and nervous as its our first meeting but more excited than anything else, I get to get out and see someone outside of my house and job and just be a human for a few hours! No secrets, Pete has known me (in the blog world) before AND after the bombshell, he’s read me at my worst, he knows my secrets…I think that’s a good thing ha ha Plus there’s coffee involved so… its win win in my book lol

Over the weekend we have a friends leaving DO so another excuse to dress up and get out for a while 🙂

My Goals:

  • I am itching to do a new course and now I have a regular income I’m considering signing up to one however apparently I’m meant to do a manual handling course for my job anyway so that could scratch that itch for now. Either way I want to research options for the future and find out when/where/how to do the work related one
  • Throw out some clothes as mentioned above
  • Get some blogging done including my next instalment for the character post on The MisAdventures of Vanilla, The community storyboard and another RCC post  <— my latest posts on those are linked here if anyones missed them. I caught up with a handful of blogs over the weekend and loved it so I’m going to aim to catch up with maybe 2 or 3 a day (start small considering the other goals) and I’ve still got those awards to pass on too.
  • Keep learning how to spell words -posted about here– I learned how to spell necessary and definitely over the last week and I’m (embarrassingly) proud of myself lol
  • Get a photo of me, Pete and Mrs Pete (that OK with you Pete?) I’m loving my photos at the moment… making new memories I suppose rather than pretending that nothing has happened and nothing is happening, I like to remind myself that I have moved forward in the past few months, that I am doing things for ME now and photos are my way of doing that 🙂

I think that should do it

PoGeHaGo:

  • I am thankful for plans, making plans, making lists, being organised…getting through them and ticking them off…accomplishments and small victories
  • I am proud of myself for recognising the changes ahead…but aiming to kick the shit out of them and roll with it
  • I am happy I’ve had some time to do things I enjoy lately (inc blogging) and that I will have some more time to continue this week

Hope you all have a great week 🙂

xBx

 
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Posted by on June 10, 2013 in Under construction

 

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Guest Post – The other side of the glass: What does it feel like?

memory void

memory void (Photo credit: esmtll)

As promised, here is the first Guest Post from our mystery blogger

The other side of the glass: How does it feel?

I happened to come across the Comfortably Numb blog and I immediately contacted Beth. I wanted to give her some hope. You see, I have a unique perspective on all of this.

I was the one with PTSD. I was the one feeling numb.

Over the next few posts, I hope to give you some insights into what Beth’s husband is going through. I’ve also privately offered some suggestions to Beth, as my only hope is for her husband to feel once again.

I am by no means an expert, I’m just a survivor. If you are going through this yourself, talk to someone. Anyone. You can overcome the symptoms of PTSD and live a very normal and productive life just like I have. The treatments available today are much more advanced than when I had to deal with PTSD nearly ten years ago.

If you have a friend or loved one experiencing any of the symptoms, please encourage them to get help. Be there to listen and try to be as understanding as possible.

Without giving too much information, I dealt with female on male domestic abuse. An ex-wife abused me mentally, emotionally, and even physically over the course of our marriage. After dealing with this for many years, I was worn out emotionally. The marriage was loveless and arguments occurred daily. (This is a very simplified explanation of a very complicated situation. I’m just attempting to give a little back-story on how the PTSD came about.)

After an exceptionally difficult verbal fight that lasted twelve hours, I went to bed.

After sleeping a short three hours, I woke up the next morning in a fog. It was as if I was awake, but I was still dreaming. I had tunnel vision and nothing felt real. I could barely feel even physical touching, and when it occurred, it didn’t make sense to me.

I will never forget the look a young girl gave me when I went into a restaurant to eat. It was as if she could see the emptiness of my soul. She looked into my eyes and gave me the most…touching look. It was as if she was reaching out to me, through her eyes, to comfort me, because she immediately noticed the pain I was in.

I assumed I was experiencing all of this due to the lack of sleep. I assumed it was just a bad day and the evil feeling would be gone the next day. I was wrong.

Waking up the next day was stranger than the first. The fog had lifted from my brain, but The Void* was definitely there. I was emotionless.

What is The Void? The Void is what I call that feeling you have when you suffer with PTSD.

This is how I’ve tried to explain it over the years. Imagine that your beating heart is confined to a glass box that is in the same room you are in. You can see it. You know it is there, but you cannot touch it and you cannot feel anything from it. It functions physically but everything else is disconnected from it.

Imagine waking up and not being able to “feel” anything. No happiness, no sadness, no frustration, no sorrow, no joy, no elation, no anything. In my situation, the one emotion I could feel was anger, and quite often rage. Other than that, I felt absolutely nothing. You could have told me that my mother had just passed away and I would not have shed a tear.

The Void is pure emptiness in your soul. It is a suffocating nothingness. I used to talk long walks at night, because it was one of the few places I now felt comfortable. It was the one place the dark, cold, emptiness inside of me matched the dark, cold, emptiness on the outside.

The Void had moved in and it would take several years for it to move out. Thankfully, I made many changes and once I left that abusive relationship I started to heal. Other PTSD sufferers have a much more difficult road ahead of them. Their trauma is deeper or more hidden and their wounds more severe. However, my message is one of hope, and when The Void takes over your soul, you will grasp onto any hope that you can.

The feeling is wicked and evil. You don’t want to feel blank. You don’t want to feel empty. You don’t want to be nothing. You want to laugh and smile and cry and giggle…but it is gone. It is a very unnatural feeling and even though you know you are broken, you can’t just snap your fingers and fix it. So you learn to live with it.

What is it like to live without emotions?

That topic will be discussed in my next blog post. Until then, hug your PTSD sufferers. Hold their hands and kiss their cheeks. You will not get much, if anything, in return, but the person…the real person that is stuck behind The Void will appreciate it more than you will ever know.

* Every PTSD sufferer may not have the same level of emotion that they personally “feel”. Each trauma, person, and situation is unique. I’m just trying to give you my perspective to help you relate.

 
 

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A new perspective: Thinking INSIDE the box

Three-Point Perspective

Three-Point Perspective (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As mentioned yesterday I recently received an email from a fellow blogger. He told me he knew personally about the numbness of PTSD and wanted to give his perspective on the whole situation… ‘How I felt, what caused it, and most importantly, what you can do for your husband as he goes through this’

The emails went back and forth between us, we established that all experience of PTSD is different…every PERSON is different and that some situations or causes are more complex and deeper rooted than others… BUT regardless it was encouraging to read his account. It helped me to understand SOME of what my husband is going through and he’s also offered to write some guest posts for me to delve deeper and explain more about it so those posts will be up soon. For now…I want to share with you some of the points which struck a chord with me and hopefully help YOU to understand a little bit more too.

‘I want to try and explain this part clearly so you know what your husband is going through. I know this probably has to be the most confusing aspect of PTSD for you – I knew I had a heart because I could feel my pulse, but I could not FEEL any emotion whatsoever.

…as for your husband, I have no idea why he has PTSD so I cannot tell you what to avoid or how to specifically help him, but I can tell you what I would have liked as I was going through it…

  • Love him – This part is going to SUCK, because you won’t get much love in return. Hold him. Kiss him…While his heart may not understand, his head will. When he finally awakens, you will have a stronger relationship.
  • This one will be especially hard. Make love to him. Loveless sex may be difficult for you, but the intimacy would be appreciated by him. His sex drive may be lower right now. If so, it definitely isn’t you, so don’t put that blame on your own shoulders. With his brain in overdrive, the thoughts may not be focused on sex.
  • Get him help – This is beyond your abilities to help him by yourself. PTSD is evil. Being a zombie is evil. Living that way feels awful. The sooner he can talk about it and deal with it, the better.
  • Encourage him to write – It helps. Buy him a notebook and pens. If he is writing, don’t disturb him. If he asks that you not read the notebooks, respect his penned words and leave them alone. The words will only hurt you and it will break his trust.
  • Encourage him to exercise and eat right. After fights with the ex, I would walk the city streets at 1-2 am. It was the only thing that helped calm me down. Look for a co-ed sport that you both can participate in. Talk walks together. If he wants to talk, let him talk. If he doesn’t, talk to him about ANYTHING OTHER THAN THE PTSD. Make walking and meal times PTSD free zones. Don’t let him eat fast food as it will only make him feel gross physically. Encourage him to eat right because he needs all the brain power he can get.
  • Limit video games – I’m a gamer and I started playing A LOT. I didn’t have to think when I was playing. I didn’t have to feel when I was playing. I could get lost in the world I was playing in. While it can be a help at times, don’t let him go overboard. Men like to go to our “cave” when we are dealing with issues. Don’t let him get lost in his online cave.
  • Don’t ask him how he feels. He doesn’t fucking know. Honestly. Pressuring him to answer that question or any other question about feelings is going to make it worse. In fact, try not to talk about emotions as much as possible. Yes, that is unnatural and completely foreign to you.
  • Don’t take what he says personally – I remember saying some crazy shit during that period of time. Remember, he cannot feel, so statements he makes have no emotional motivation to them. They are just words. Conversely, try to remember that your husband is in a PTSD cocoon. He may want to tell you that he loves you…but he can’t feel it right now. When he does say the words, in whatever form he says them, cherish them. I’m sure it was hard for him to say them.
  • Find a support system for yourself – You will not be getting the same kind of love from your husband as you are used to. Rely on family and friends. Treat yourself to a spa day once in a while and keep up your appearance. Go out with the girls and get drunk and dance your ass off. You deserve it. This is FUCKING HARD! It is perfectly OK to spoil yourself once in a while to recharge your batteries.

You two CAN DO THIS! You can win against EVIL. You can get your husband back. You can have an AMAZING marriage. It CAN BE DONE. Do not GIVE UP. Failure is NOT an option. I have faith in both of you.

I will do my best to help you understand what he is dealing with and I will give you as much insight as I can. Honestly, I lived with that shit for far too long. If I can help your husband get better, I will, because I know exactly how it DOESN’T feel.’

There IS hope

xBx

 
 

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*Deep Breath*

Panic-attack

Panic-attack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a bunch of positive posts to polish off today but my mood wont allow it right now…Beth needs some virtual hugs and positive thinking …I’m not sure if I can do this anymore :/

Just stupid little things getting to me and building up and I cant control it. like today we were messing around in bed (not like that) and I straddled him pinning him down with my knees and telling him about something – I don’t know what but lets say a dream for arguments sake. He lay there with his eyes closed listening and I told him I wanted to show him or re-enact a situation which had occurred -my impression of a facial expression or whatever i.e. ‘do a really bored/uninterested look and I will show you what they did….‘  He wouldn’t open his eyes…So I pinched him -which made him open them wider than usual lol but then he shut them again. It was stupid but it went on for a few minutes and it really hit a nerve.Not wanting to show him how stupidly offended I was getting I went to move off him but he held me there (playfully don’t worry) and he said ‘no no where do you think you’re going?  I thought you were telling me a story etc….’ but I couldn’t say anything because I would have burst out crying. I said it didn’t matter and tried smiling/shrugging it off which then made me sound like I was being purposely awkward so we both gave up and went on with our morning.

I don’t know if anyone knows what I’m talking about or why I got so upset…I’m not even sure I know…after all he had just woken up and he said his eyes were still heavy…we have all been there but I suppose the obvious thing is the lack of eye contact. Me straddling and him with his eyes shut is all too familiar for me; we haven’t done ‘bedroom stuff’ that way for a while now and I think being back there…even fully clothed with nothing sexual going on …well I’m clearly not OK with it. Is this what people mean when they talk about triggers? Things that hit a nerve and take you back to somewhere you really don’t want to go? Or is this just expected in my situation? I mean its still only been… almost 3 months since all of this kicked off so maybe I just haven’t progressed enough in that situation for me to be able to get past it?

It frustrated me…why the fuck cant you just LOOK at me when we are like this? It offends me…Why cant you look at ME when we are like this? it upsets me and it worries me…WHAT are you thinking about, what are you trying to block out? I’m getting to the point where I’m fed up of trying to figure it out, trying to second guess everything he says and does. I just want us to be NORMAL!

THEN there’s that fucking paranoia. The lack of therapy…’hes lying’…’hes acting’…the porn!  Last time it had taken over a little too much I was sent a link by Mocha (check him out btw) to an eBook about positive thinking…I read it in an afternoon, I enjoyed it and it made sense.

‘A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances.’
‘Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power.’

I.e. Good thoughts = good things

But how CAN I always think good thoughts when the reality isn’t always good? Or when the thoughts are of the negative actions of someone else? -i.e. my husband. I’m struggling to find the balance…I mean I’m all for positive thinking and positive energy but it cant stop someone else from screwing you over and it cant change what’s happened can it? Pushing your gut feelings away and forcing good thoughts…ignoring your instincts despite past experience…making yourself believe good things when things are shitty…isn’t that denial? isn’t that unrealistic?

We both had the afternoon off together and he wanted to show me a few videos of a game show he used to watch but I had never heard of. I was on the laptop when he remembered the name of it and with that he whipped out his Xbox controller and got the video up online using that!….I had forgotten that internet explorer and youtube existed on his xbox… (stupid) so THAT raised the anxiety up a few levels but how am I meant to then keep thinking good thoughts knowing that’s there…unlimited…unblocked…while I’m out at work in the evenings.

How am I meant to stop thinking about the fact that porn is actually everywhere?…accessible everywhere…anytime…anyplace… even in a power cut there are still magazines…even in bed with me he has his images. There’s no end to it.

How do I stop wondering whether or not he will break the little bit of trust we have built back – and my heart- all over again by logging on and getting off?

How can I stop the thoughts that he’s still doing it regularly behind my back…because I don’t understand how else he would be doing so well without it?

How can I stop the thoughts that the past has taught me to have? The thoughts that are there to protect me from getting so hurt IF it happens again? He’s shown me that he can easily hide it from me, he’s shown me how naive I’ve been for not suspecting a thing…  he’s shown me how he can lie to my face every single day for over a year! How can I turn that into a positive?

How can I stay positive knowing that I do NOT trust my own husband to respect me enough to refrain from doing it? <– THAT hurts!

I cant stand it…it makes me panic, it makes me feel sick it puts me on edge to the point of breaking. I’ve just told him (through tears) that if he hurts me (porn/secrets) one more time I WILL be gone. I wont WANT to …but I NEED to and I WILL walk away. I can not take any more hurt. I told him I didn’t know what was real anymore and that it scares me. He held me tight for a long time and told me that it wont happen, he’s not going to hurt me and he is being himself with me… no major acting (aside from the usual that we all do i.e. ‘I’m fine’ when he’s actually pissed off and tired from work etc) and no more lies. I’m forcing myself – willing myself to believe him…what more can I do? Right now all I am hanging on to is hope…and my positive genuines:

  • He is work-free, paid and booked in with his therapist this weekend so something will be progressing after that and hopefully it will take the edge off for me
  • Today I managed to tell him something which was hard for me to say (the above) and it felt better knowing that he understands where I am at with all of this and reaffirming the consequences
  • We are going on a date this weekend which will give us a chance to dress up, get out and just enjoy each others company

‘Time heals almost everything…give the time some time’

xBx

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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