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It’s been one year….

20130318-121902-AM.jpgIt’s been a year since the shit hit the fan…. so it seems only fitting that I write a post.

I feel I owe it to myself to revisit this blog -to face my demons- but also to anyone still out there wondering ‘what ever happened to Beth?’ so…here I am…and this is what happened

In July we had our first wedding anniversary…I had been anxious about it but we celebrated by burning some bad memories – those in the form of diary entries, letters which held dark confessions and even photos or ‘happy book’ pages which made me feel sick looking back on. Not because the times themselves were bad…but once you find out that most of your relationship has been a lie things kind of take a sour turn.

We took our burn-iversary as a fresh start; a chance to put as many of those bad feelings as we could behind us and instead focus on moving forward…on how to make things better and how to make new…REAL…memories. At the time I was still feeling uneasy, emotions were up and down constantly; some days all I could think about was what he had done whereas others it didn’t even cross my mind.

It was during one of these ‘up’ streaks that we had news from his work that we would have to leave for America….in September! As you can imagine my heart was in my stomach. I had given our marriage one year from THAT day to figure out whether I stayed or we went our separate ways…now I had a matter of weeks to make up my mind!?

One thing that kept nagging me was this gut-wrenching feeling whenever I considered NOT going with him. By this time I was past any “what would people think?” “what would I tell my mother?” crap and had learnt to focus on what I wanted and not what society would find alarming. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to try…but there was so much to do, so much upheaval… this was an international move…I would need a visa…I had loose ends to tie up…I would have to quit the job I loved….

Shit Happens - By ComfortablyNumb

Shit Happens – By ComfortablyNumb

I chewed it over and over -AND OVER…I spoke to my best friend – the only person (offline) who knows EVERYTHING about our situation- and she reminded me that I could always come home if shit went wrong again. Eventually I told my dad and my step-dad about my doubts, hinting that things weren’t peachy between us; I spoke to a good friend from the blogging world…they all said the same… “you can always come home” and “you would regret NOT giving it a go”

So…I went.

Through a series of events with work, visa applications and an unrelated court case the moving date was postponed for a month here and another month there -It was stressful to say the least but we got here in the end and so far I am NOT regretting it.

HOWEVER…(did you see that one coming?) with everything going on with the move the therapy, counseling and everything that goes with it has been put on the back burner. It’s not that we are ignoring the fact that we need to carry on working on things – believe me he made sure I knew that he WILL keep seeing someone and I made sure HE knew that if he didn’t I would have his balls in a vice-it’s just that with any move its stressful and expensive so we have to wait until it’s more feasible to go (and keep going) to sessions in order to make them count.

That being said… I’m bloody dreading it. Its been so nice NOT having to think about shit for a few months. The move has pushed us together and grounded my feelings for him; the stresses of everything have taught us to work together and communicate more than we ever did – I mean yeah there’s still that mars/Venus divide but as far as US as a couple we are much stronger – at least as far as I’m concerned. I suppose I’m finding the idea of going from pretend-ignorant-bliss back to shock-horror-here’s-another-bombshell rather unsettling…but who wouldn’t? As for ‘deeper’ progress there have been a few small victories for us…though reading this back they’re actually rather big.

yeah right lol

yeah right lol

Before we left England he had started feeling more physically (in the bedroom) but it was still rare. Now, however it’s probably 90% of the time. The sensation doesn’t last long but the fact that the frequency has increased massively means we must be doing something right (yay us!) This is a massive confidence boost for me, I don’t feel as rushed to ‘get it over with before he starts yawning’ and I can sometimes tell when it’s happening for him. We did have a type of code but that always reminded us of the ‘issue’ so now we just roll with it and see what happens.

We are a little more spontaneous with it, definitely more passionate/romantic and generally more relaxed…more loving. It’s like we are both actually present…we make eye contact…more kissing…I don’t feel like a hooker! Of course some days it all hits me again that this isn’t a ‘normal’ sex life and that for most couples it’s a lot ‘easier’ for them…but then I remind myself that it’s OURS, it’s working for us…and at least I don’t have a problem with a partner who is done in a few minutes ha ha (sorry but I have to laugh)

Out of the bedroom he is more caring too; he now has a phone and actually texts me during the daytime which has made such a big difference. He leaves notes for me sometimes when he heads off to work and he picks up a little something now and again if he stops off to get petrol or whatever on his way home. He told me a few months ago during a heart to heart that he now genuinely likes cuddles and missed the ones I used to give him; he had started feeling ‘less loved’ by me than before and cared enough -or felt enough- to actually say something about it (I had started blocking myself without realising.) He was honest enough to tell me things that he knew I wouldn’t like hearing -rather than lying to keep me happy) and said openly that he still needed to work some things out with a professional..

I still have issues with porn…like I said…who wouldn’t after everything? I have some filters set up on his phone and on the computer (with his permission – nothing sneaky) but we both agree that neither of us are ready for them to be removed – again not something I LIKED hearing but at least he was honest about it. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t deleted this blog, I don’t like that I WILL be posting on here more frequently once the therapy starts…but its the truth and I have to face it. I still have days where I remember that we do have a lot of work to do (and he agrees) and it hurts like hell but at least we realize this and aren’t just sweeping it under the carpet for good.

Yes there is a LOT of work to be done but we both know that and WILL get back into the swing of it once we are settled with everything else. For now…I am happy that we are making progress on our own. The bottom line in all of this? I’m glad I came with him, I’m glad I gave it a shot and I’m certain I want to keep working on it.

I am so sorry for dropping off the face of the…blogging-world. I have missed you guys, but I can’t lie I’m not looking forward to being back…I will be back though, just not yet.

xBx

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2014 in The Present -How things are

 

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Deep Breath

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.

stress

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

WELCOME TO MY WORLD (Photo credit: FUNKYAH)

He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued

xBx

 
 

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Farewell

goodbye

goodbye (Photo credit: lanier67)

Last week was my final final session with my counsellor.  We actually had loads to talk about for a change – mainly good but also some recent revelations (which I will leave for another post so I can go into more detail without swamping you today lol) Towards the end he stopped me from moving the topic onto something irrelevant and random (or fluff as I call it as it fills time) and reminded me that it was nearing the end of our session and that we should probably acknowledge the fact that this is our last session as its easier to just talk till the end and pretend its not happening but that’s not the best idea in the world.

We discussed what I should do next in terms of finding a newbie that I like and how to contact them etc. He gave me his ‘final thoughts’ which included his take on our situation and how unique and (not amazing but I cant think of the right word… like shocking/astonishing/fascinating) it was. He said he was proud of the progress – from both of us, that he’s impressed by my determination, my logic, my brains (at which point I made a zombie joke )He said he thinks I should write a book on it or be a counsellor or SOMETHING because I blow his mind every time we meet.

When asked about whether he will go away and wonder what happened next for us he explained that in his job he is trained to distance himself, to leave his work at work and that he is more interested (usually) in the way relationships and mindsets work rather than the context of them BUT he said he probably would wonder because he had never come across a situation like ours or a client like me lol.

I had gone in there thinking I could maybe slip him my blog address in case he ever got curious but I thought better of it, I mean how self centred to think he would WANT to look it up in the future lol but I think part of me just wanted to keep a tie to him so I could know he hadn’t vanished. As the final minutes ticked on he asked how it had been for me, what had I learned etc. I told him it had been a life line – honestly. To be able to get out and talk to someone who had almost gone through it with me from the start, whom had witnessed the moment my life fell apart….I couldn’t have made it through some days as easily if it hadn’t been for him…or at least knowing he was there if i needed him.

I told him he was my sparring partner, my sounding board; that I had learnt that its (our situation) isn’t all about me or caused by me, its not my fault but that I was still allowed to vent my feelings on it (i.e. in sessions) and still needed to look out for myself, my own health -both physically and mentally. Overall I think I have learnt that I have balls! lol I have determination, I am stronger than I ever thought I was or could be and I am as logical as ever…but I already knew that last bit 😉

Obviously I thanked him for everything and as he held the door open for me to leave it took everything I had not to hug him goodbye lol. I walked to the car, proud of myself for doing so well…I had been dreading saying goodbye…and then it hit me and I cried the whole way home lol (silly) I felt so stupid for getting SO upset but all I kept thinking was how that was it, that was 1 of 2 people in my life…in HUMAN/FACE TO FACE/VOICE form, whom know both the situation in detail AND MY thoughts on it…in detail…gone…forever. Screw the worries of meeting the newbie and having to talk about it all over again…this person is gone for good.

At no point in all of this did I delude myself with the thought that he was a friend or anything, I’m very aware that I am just another client to him etc but still, even on a professional level the thought of him gone, my weekly sparring session, the routine, the change…its gone. Urgh I actually got a little watery eyed just now by thinking about it again lol.

It felt like when you were younger and made friends on a 2 week holiday (vacation lol) and you wave them off without thinking much about it and then you realise that those people affected your whole holiday, you now have new memories, you had good times with them but the chances are (unless you live close) you’ll probably never see them again (pre facebook/skype etc)

Luckily – once home – my boss got in touch and asked if i was able to go to work a little earlier so I jumped at the chance and offered to start even earlier otherwise I probably would have cried for the next few hours about it and turned up a mess. So…a week on…and it’s still feeling a bit fresh. I did cry about it a few nights ago when talking to hubby about it but I think yes in part its the sadness, the loss but mostly its about the change and disruption to the norm (again)…anxiety about the unknown I suppose. BUT I need to stay positive…

*deep breath*

  • I CAN do this
  • I WILL find a newbie whom I connect with
  • In theory my counsellor didn’t do anything except listen to me – I’m the one doing the leg work
  • Meeting a newbie will stop me getting into a rut and test my social skills lol
  • It will give me a chance to talk about everything again -now that I know more details perhaps a few more things will click and make sense
  • Continuing with counselling with help me AND hubby as I cant be strong for him if I am not strong for myself

So I guess now all I need to do is pick up the phone and make an appointment…wish me luck

xBx

 
 

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Part 9: Secrets & Lies

wait

wait (Photo credit: CmdrFire)

The counsellor asked what was going on at which point I just glared at my husband and signalled him to speak
“Well… She found out I had been watching porn and masturbating”
I glared again waiting for the rest but he left it at that! The counsellor began to speak and I raised my hand to stop him before adding “erm AND he wants a divorce” The counsellor laughed for a split second, assuming I was joking, before realising I was serious. He separated us so he could talk to us separately…my husband went first.

The wait was excruciating but soon enough the door opened, my husband left and I was called in. Panicked about where he had gone I was informed he had stepped out for a breather but would be back. He asked me what I knew about my husband, what I knew about his past…his upbringing. I told him what I knew…anything I could think of that might be relevant…he was possibly sexually abused, his mum is sick, his aunt would beat him regularly when he was young but he has blocked a lot out…he got into drugs and into trouble because of it…I stopped, at a loss and desperate to know what was going on.

My husband came back in and the 2 of us were encouraged to talk to each other. Of course he said nothing and left it for me to go first…how?? I don’t have a clue what’s going on…YOU GO! He told me that he had been lying to me, he wasn’t the person I thought he was…the person he had made out to be…he had A LOT of secrets and had lied to me since the start. Taken back I asked if he used to be a woman…SO inappropriate but I had to break the tension. He smiled, said no and then his expression changed completely. I asked him to explain more to me, what the lies were…. But he was vague and just kept saying ‘stuff’ or ‘everything’

Frustrated I turned to the counsellor and asked where we go from here as I still don’t know anything. He agreed and said that although he cant tell me himself he does think we need to talk about it. He explained to my husband that I needed to know, I should know…I deserved to know. Here was a woman who was willing to walk to the ends of the earth for her man…but she cant do that if he doesn’t let her in. He agreed to tell me…just not there, so we headed home with me still in the dark. Once home – and after a LOT of deflecting from him and practically begging from me he told me the truth.

Lies

Lies (Photo credit: mcritz)

‘Everything I have ever said to you (about feelings) has been a lie…I don’t know if I love you, I don’t know if I ever have and I don’t know if I ever can…I am numb. I feel nothing, not just for you…not just love…for anything…for anyone. I haven’t ever felt anything. If you say a lie enough times eventually it becomes true, I thought maybe if I said I loved you enough times I would believe it and I would feel it and it would be true. I thought if I said I was happy with you, if I pretended to be upset some times…but it hasn’t worked, every tear you’ve seen me shed has been fake, every smile, every laugh…its all been fake, its all been an act and I’m so tired of acting. I cant do it anymore’

Wow!

He told me that if he had been himself I would be miserable…but by acting and lying…he was miserable. He had tried to love me, he had really wanted to…but how could he love me if he had lied to such an extent? Or if he wasn’t being himself? He said he would miss me if I did leave, but didn’t think it would bother him that much whether I stayed or went and that I could take my time packing my things and arranging where I was going to go…..

HOLD…THE FUCK…ON.

You really want me to go? You really want to end this without even hearing my response? Without seeing if we could sort it out?

He was shocked…he asked how I could even think about moving past this with him, how I could ever forgive him and how I didn’t hate him at that moment -I know a few of you are probably asking the same thing right now but the answer: because I DO love him and I vowed to love him for better or worse…besides, he had lied to try and benefit both of us, yes it was still lying but he didn’t do it with the intention of breaking my heart, he had done it to try and find happiness for himself, he had acted in such a way that he knew made me happy… he hadn’t cheated, he hadn’t beaten me or been a horrible person…there was still a chance that I would love the ’real him’ just as much IF I got the chance to know him. I couldn’t have left without at least trying, without understanding what was happening to me…to US…or without taking some time to let everything sink in fully.

He packed a few bags and went to stay at a friends to give me us both some space to think about everything, to establish what we wanted, whether he felt anything and what to do next.

Left alone I was numb…ironically.

xBx

 

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Part 7: Marriage Counselling

relationship-counselling

relationship-counselling (Photo credit: Ivo Dimitrov)

By the time our first counselling appointment arrived we were feeling positive. We arrived together ready to talk about the past and the current issue at hand. (I cant stop with the puns…they just happen)

The guy was great, we clicked, he had a good sense of humour (i.e. he laughed when I made jokes to break the awkwardness of the subject) and he seemed prepared to take us on and help us. He admitted that he had never met anyone with the issue of no sensitivity but would research it before our next session so spent the remainder of the time finding out more about us.

He asked us questions about our opinions of our relationship, (ignoring the sexual side of it) asking us to rate each area out of 10 (10 being positive/satisfying/as good as it gets). We were asked to say our numbers at the same time to avoid being influenced.

Communication 8/7
Intimacy (cuddles and kisses) 10/10
Happiness 9/9
Trust 6/10

It was a really positive activity, it was nice to see that he was as satisfied as I was, to establish that even with the issue in the bedroom we were still a pretty awesome team. We were still intimate in other ways, we still laughed, had fun and could still communicate well together -with a little room for improvement; our one issue didn’t affect us outside of the bedroom but the events surrounding it had affected my level of trust for him.

This came as no surprise to him, I’m honest about my trust levels so the counsellor suggested we work on the trust issue and sexual issue together in future sessions as they go hand in hand and improving one with have a positive effect on the other.

He also gave us homework for the next week until we saw him again…no sex! Well we knew we had been there before but this time someone was listening to our problem and had suggested this ban to both of us, he was hearing it from someone other than me and someone who wasn’t just throwing medication at him.

We booked our next appointment and headed home feeling encouraged, positive and hopeful…let the sex ban commence

xBx

 

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Part 6: Progress

English: Progress 20% Polski: Postęp 20%

English: Progress 20% Polski: Postęp 20% (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We had booked the marriage counselling appointment and were feeling hopeful. In the mean time we tried some of the things he had suggested trying. We couldn’t get to Ann summers in the end due to a change in work schedules but I dressed up – (I’m creative, I’m good at making something out of nothing…aren’t most women good at that? lol,)- we role played and although nothing changed physically, the emotional connection between us felt stronger. The trust had grown, we felt comfortable enough to express ourselves and the pressure had lessened as we focused more on having fun and enjoying ourselves.

We even got as far as pleasuring ourselves…together. A BIG step for both of us as I knew how much of a private thing that was for him and to be honest I never really did that myself so the experience was liberating. It made me feel closer to him, it was a good way for me to learn from him…but overall it was amazing to know he was satisfied and removed the fear of him sneaking off to do it alone.

We took it slowly, first ourselves, then each other….and then it happened…he climaxed and I was responsible for it. For the first time in a year -and the second time in our relationship- I did it for him. OK so it wasn’t through intercourse but it was still my doing and for us that was a big achievement and a big relief.

Over the next week the progress kept coming (excuse the pun), we took it further, lights off first, then lights on but with me blindfolded (as he felt embarrassed but still liked the visual) and eventually lights on but with him blindfolded to heighten his senses. It worked every time and with the small changes each time but the end of the week we were feeling better than ever…finally I felt like I was enough for my husband.

xBx

 

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Part 5: Gut Feeling

fo reelz

fo reelz (Photo credit: Joseph Robertson)

I had learned a long time ago to trust my gut. I had trusted it when accepting his proposal, when deciding on our wedding and when deciding to forgive him for previous hitches. But at this time my gut was telling me something was wrong but I couldn’t quite figure it out.

For a while After porn- gate our sex lives improved, he initiated it more often and made me feel wanted but one day something changed. He had started making excuses to avoid intimacy with me, at first I put it down to the therapy fail sinking in but after a while they became embarrassing and obvious. One night in particular he had come home and practically ignored me. It was like I didn’t exist, he had been distant and made another excuse – saying he was tired and ready to sleep – but then playing on his Xbox for hours. Usually I don’t mind him playing it but the reasoning vs actions didn’t add up. I went with logic and gut and not a lot else and confronted him about it. I demanded to know what he wasn’t telling me. I asked him if he was cheating, if he had maybe been feeling guilty for flirting at work or something (as I had recognised the signs from previous relationships)

He confessed that most mornings – regardless of whether we had been intimate or not the night before- he had been waking up early, watching porn and masturbating and then coming back upstairs to kiss me goodbye.
***gob smacked***
He had been doing this since we moved in together… Watching porn, masturbating… Despite knowing my feelings on it, despite pledging to stop doing it on more than one occasion… For HIS sake… Not mine! I had put myself out there, I had supported him, I had sacrificed shit too and it was all for nothing… But the worst thing was he had lied to me! SO many times, week after week, he’d kept it from me, time after time he had lied to me, let me try new things FOR him, let me get excited about progress…

Explosion

Explosion (Photo credit: gynti_46)

I let it all out that day, I exploded and was finally brutally honest – not just edited honest or bite my tongue honest but brutal. I told him he was really fucking selfish, that I didn’t deserve to be lied to and that I had put up with more than enough shit, had been sensitive to HIS needs all this time and it was time he did the same for me.I asked him what it was that made him do it?, what was different about sneaking off and watching utter sad, pathetic filth? Why he had bothered lying about stopping?

It was at this point that he Admitted couldn’t stop. He said he didn’t realise until he had tried and e thought it would be different living together but he can’t stop. It was the pleasuring himself (not porn watching) that he couldn’t stop, the release it gave him, the sensation of actually feeling SOMETHING while not having to put on a show for me.

I was heartbroken, I felt disgusting and worthless and even though he was the reason he was also the cure. We spent almost a week sleeping in separate beds- what’s that you said about the honeymoon period? Lol

Once calm and after having time to think I told him again how it made me feel, how I was hurt about being lied to and how I felt disrespected. I told him I understood his frustration and the need to satisfy himself BUT that there wasn’t any excuse to Use porn. There were ways he could do that WITH me, we could please ourselves… Together. If he felt embarrassed we could turn the lights off, I could be blind folded… Whatever. I understood how he was feeling (to a point) and explained that as his wife, as his best friend, he needs to be able to trust me enough to express his desires WITH me. I’m a pretty open and easy going person and he knows that but I’m not going to be walked all over and disrespected.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice (Photo credit: kipdev)

Our marriage is a 2 way relationship and I’m sorry but I have needs too. Its not fair banning sex if the other person is off knocking one out every other day is it!? I wanted to help him through this, but i wasn’t prepared to sacrifice every part of my happiness too. I was willing and supportive  but after doing things before and still having this situation as an end result my trust for him was shattered and my confidence was shot so I told him in order to move forward we needed to get help (together) from a marriage counsellor to help rebuild the trust he had broken.

The talk seemed to work and he agreed to getting help, he actually suggested things for us to do in the bedroom, role playing, dressing up etc for the first time I saw him excited about the idea of experimenting and trying new things…WITH ME. So we hatched a plan, we had a free weekend alone coming up so we were going to hit up Ann summers and stock up on whatever caught our eye AND we would make an appointment for counselling… Together.

(Aren’t you glad I’m doing the backstory in installments? lol)
xBx

 

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