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AWOL

 

The following has been playing on my mind a lot lately…Let’s call this…Therapy

A few weeks ago I heard news of a shooting on a military base in Texas – Fort Hood.

I didn’t know anyone involved or even anyone living nearby but it affected me massively.

The shooter was a military man, he had a wife and kid(s) and he killed -I believe- 3 people, injured around 14 others and then killed himself.

Apparently this man was suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) or something similar… he was troubled in one way or another and to be honest I feel for him. I’ve been in dark places before, thankfully not dark enough to harm others but the thought of harming myself…well it wasn’t out of the question. Looking back I shudder at some of the things I used to think, It actually embarrasses me thinking about it but ultimately I got help, things got better and the only times I look back is to remind myself how far I have come.

I realise that we are never safe, there are bad people out there who will hurt us randomly, we will be in the wrong place at the wrong time…stuff like this happens. To be associated with or linked to a military base always holds that worry of attacks, they are obvious targets and perhaps one reason why I wouldn’t choose to live on the base itself but to have someone FROM the INSIDE do something like this is absolutely terrifying.

I’m sure you can see where the PTSD links have affected me. I know there are different levels of it, different versions even and of course different causes; I know that not everyone with PTSD will end up shooting a bunch of people but the fact that this happened…I don’t know.

What about the people injured, the people who witnessed friends and colleagues die…the family and friends of those people… think of the affect it will have on them. Therapy, Some form of PTSD, alcoholism, drug abuse…you know, things to ease the pain. The anger, the hurt…the breakdown of communication between loved ones. Think how many people would be changed by that day and who would then change their relationships at home. The ripple effect of repercussions is terrifying! Where and how does it end?

I suppose this incident has shown me one extreme outcome but all I keep thinking (apart from about the families of those involved) is ‘his poor wife!’

Did she know he was at this point? Were there signs? What were they? How exactly would you ever assume – or believe- that the person you love would actually do something like this?…and what happens to her now? What on earth is going through her mind? Apparently this woman discovered that the shooter was in fact her husband because they said it on the news! How terrible! They had children, how do you explain to a child why daddy isn’t coming home and why these people are looking at them strangely? How does that family move on from this?

This incident has scared me, for the first time since being married, since finding out everything about my husband… the thought of not really knowing your partner – or what they are capable of- has hit home. I don’t for one minute believe he would do anything like this, or that I would let it get to that point… but I’m sure the Fort Hood shooters wife thought the same thing about her husband.

How do you get past this?

xBx

 

 

 

 
 

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Deep Breath

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.

stress

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

WELCOME TO MY WORLD (Photo credit: FUNKYAH)

He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued

xBx

 
 

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Farewell

goodbye

goodbye (Photo credit: lanier67)

Last week was my final final session with my counsellor.  We actually had loads to talk about for a change – mainly good but also some recent revelations (which I will leave for another post so I can go into more detail without swamping you today lol) Towards the end he stopped me from moving the topic onto something irrelevant and random (or fluff as I call it as it fills time) and reminded me that it was nearing the end of our session and that we should probably acknowledge the fact that this is our last session as its easier to just talk till the end and pretend its not happening but that’s not the best idea in the world.

We discussed what I should do next in terms of finding a newbie that I like and how to contact them etc. He gave me his ‘final thoughts’ which included his take on our situation and how unique and (not amazing but I cant think of the right word… like shocking/astonishing/fascinating) it was. He said he was proud of the progress – from both of us, that he’s impressed by my determination, my logic, my brains (at which point I made a zombie joke )He said he thinks I should write a book on it or be a counsellor or SOMETHING because I blow his mind every time we meet.

When asked about whether he will go away and wonder what happened next for us he explained that in his job he is trained to distance himself, to leave his work at work and that he is more interested (usually) in the way relationships and mindsets work rather than the context of them BUT he said he probably would wonder because he had never come across a situation like ours or a client like me lol.

I had gone in there thinking I could maybe slip him my blog address in case he ever got curious but I thought better of it, I mean how self centred to think he would WANT to look it up in the future lol but I think part of me just wanted to keep a tie to him so I could know he hadn’t vanished. As the final minutes ticked on he asked how it had been for me, what had I learned etc. I told him it had been a life line – honestly. To be able to get out and talk to someone who had almost gone through it with me from the start, whom had witnessed the moment my life fell apart….I couldn’t have made it through some days as easily if it hadn’t been for him…or at least knowing he was there if i needed him.

I told him he was my sparring partner, my sounding board; that I had learnt that its (our situation) isn’t all about me or caused by me, its not my fault but that I was still allowed to vent my feelings on it (i.e. in sessions) and still needed to look out for myself, my own health -both physically and mentally. Overall I think I have learnt that I have balls! lol I have determination, I am stronger than I ever thought I was or could be and I am as logical as ever…but I already knew that last bit 😉

Obviously I thanked him for everything and as he held the door open for me to leave it took everything I had not to hug him goodbye lol. I walked to the car, proud of myself for doing so well…I had been dreading saying goodbye…and then it hit me and I cried the whole way home lol (silly) I felt so stupid for getting SO upset but all I kept thinking was how that was it, that was 1 of 2 people in my life…in HUMAN/FACE TO FACE/VOICE form, whom know both the situation in detail AND MY thoughts on it…in detail…gone…forever. Screw the worries of meeting the newbie and having to talk about it all over again…this person is gone for good.

At no point in all of this did I delude myself with the thought that he was a friend or anything, I’m very aware that I am just another client to him etc but still, even on a professional level the thought of him gone, my weekly sparring session, the routine, the change…its gone. Urgh I actually got a little watery eyed just now by thinking about it again lol.

It felt like when you were younger and made friends on a 2 week holiday (vacation lol) and you wave them off without thinking much about it and then you realise that those people affected your whole holiday, you now have new memories, you had good times with them but the chances are (unless you live close) you’ll probably never see them again (pre facebook/skype etc)

Luckily – once home – my boss got in touch and asked if i was able to go to work a little earlier so I jumped at the chance and offered to start even earlier otherwise I probably would have cried for the next few hours about it and turned up a mess. So…a week on…and it’s still feeling a bit fresh. I did cry about it a few nights ago when talking to hubby about it but I think yes in part its the sadness, the loss but mostly its about the change and disruption to the norm (again)…anxiety about the unknown I suppose. BUT I need to stay positive…

*deep breath*

  • I CAN do this
  • I WILL find a newbie whom I connect with
  • In theory my counsellor didn’t do anything except listen to me – I’m the one doing the leg work
  • Meeting a newbie will stop me getting into a rut and test my social skills lol
  • It will give me a chance to talk about everything again -now that I know more details perhaps a few more things will click and make sense
  • Continuing with counselling with help me AND hubby as I cant be strong for him if I am not strong for myself

So I guess now all I need to do is pick up the phone and make an appointment…wish me luck

xBx

 
 

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Isn’t it Ironic? Wish you were here

“Wish You Were Here”

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

The second time I met my husband was a month after our first meeting, we had spent the time in between talking constantly, texting, messaging, skyping, calling…getting to know each other inside out. we fell in love during those conversations – without actually saying it- we missed each other terribly and couldn’t wait to see each other again…so understandably the next time we met we were both anxious about whether our feelings would grow on a physical level too. They did, we spent the night with friends, meeting people, having fun; we were finally able to touch each other, to hold each other…. That night was amazing but of course before we knew it it was time to part ways again for another few weeks.

A friend of ours was strumming away on his guitar and began to play ‘wish you were here’. he played (and sang) it beautifully. high on emotions the song highlighted that even more and from that point onwards it became our song.

We had it at our wedding ceremony to play us out, I made table decorations from the sheet music, I would listen to it whenever I missed him, he learned to play it on the guitar…I had ‘wish you were here’ engraved on his wedding ring, written on my wedding shoes…the song and that line meant so much to us … but now…when I read/hear the lyrics they take a different meaning.

Wish YOU were here… I do! I wish HE was here, that person I fell in love with, the person I thought I was marrying…but he’s not and the chances are HE will never be here again…and god that hurts! The lyrics seem to taunt me… so you think you can tell? Can you? Can you tell its all bullshit?? Can you tell the difference between the real me and the mask i wear? can you? really?? …NO! I couldn’t!

‘We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.’

Two lost souls…I think I may change my tagline to that because it sums us up perfectly right now, its what we are – lost. Going round and round, trying to figure this out, trying to find ourselves…trying to find each other

HOPEFULLY it wont be long till we find HIM…the real him and no he won’t be the same, WE wont be the same but I can get to know him, I can fall in love with him all over again; I cant wait for that to happen, I cant wait to be with him again and I am positive about the future… but some days this dull, nagging ache in my heart just wont leave and I realise its because I just miss us too much…I miss HIM too much; I wish HE was here :/

xBx

 
33 Comments

Posted by on June 14, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?

 

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Guest Post – The Other Side of the Glass: What are relationships like without emotions?

The next instalment from our mystery blogger:

PTSD Nation

PTSD Nation (Photo credit: Truthout.org)

This is the third posts in the series The Other Side of the Glass, where I explain in detail what it feels like to live with PTSD. I’m writing this series to give Beth, and anyone else that has a loved one with PTSD, an understanding of what it is like to live without emotions or to be emotionally numb. Each person suffering from PTSD has their own trauma, their own symptoms, and their own circumstances, but I’m just trying to give you a glimpse of what it is like to live with this horrible disorder.

What does it feel like? is the first in the series. If you have not already read that post, it would be best to start at the beginning.

Now that you can see what daily life is like without emotions, now we will examine what it like to try and have relationships without emotions.

What are relationships like without emotions?

Naturally,the relationships with your family and friends no longer make sense.Why do you want to be around anyone if you cannot feel the love or bond of friendship that you feel for them?

I lost contact with a lot of my friends during this period in my life. I started to isolate myself more as I had little in common with anyone. I didn’t want to discuss my situation and I knew no one would be able to relate anyway. After all, none of my other friends talked about waking up a zombie. No one else was telling me how they felt The Void. No one had that blank stare in their eyes.

That reminds me, I once met a man who had just come back from Iraq. The same emptiness he had in his eyes is the emptiness that I had in mine when I looked in the mirror.

The eyes truly are the periscope to the heart. When a person’s heart is in the glass box, the eyes go blank. They are empty and cold. I wonder if Beth knows that look.

Since Beth is dealing with her husband, I will try to focus on that type of relationship.

Here enters the cycle of insanity – You should love the person you are with,but you do not have the ability to love, or feel anything for that matter. The person you are with desperately wants you to feel something
so they do not feel so hurt and alone, but your heart is in that glass box on the shelf.

I think this dynamic becomes more intense when the husband is the one with PTSD. A man thinks things through, but a woman is more prone to her feelings.

Since Beth’s husband cannot feel, Beth is hurt by it. Beth wants the security that her husband loves her and that their relationship is solid. Her husband is a blank man, a zombie, bringing insecurity and fear into the
relationship. Beth then gets angry because her feeling have been hurt by his lack of love. Beth’s husband can see the hurt he is causing and he logically reasons that he wants to fix it so that his wife will not be hurt as he know this causing tension in the home. Unfortunately, the one thing that Beth wants more than anything, his love, he cannot give even though he desperately wants to.

Welcome to hell on earth…

As one that was in the glass box, this is the most frustrating situation to be in. You see the cycle happening but you feel as if there is nothing you can do to stop it. My purgatory was waking up each day
knowing it was going to be like the last. It was going to be a fight from morning until night to make sense of the world and everything in it. It was going to be a struggle to find myself and to feel anything. I
would have to dodge the demon and try my best to not to fight her every night.

Thankfully,Beth’s husband has a wife that loves him and wants to help him in any way possible. This will definitely help in his recovery.

But what about all the things that he is doing to upset her? The porn and the masturbation. The sneaking around to masturbate?

When I read what her husband was doing, my only thought was, ”Well…that sounds familiar.”

Have you ever watched a man try to fix something around the house? We ste back and stare at it. We aren’t stupid or dumbfounded, we are thinking.We are running solution after solution through our minds to see what
will fix the problem.

When we have relationship or emotional problems, we do not discuss it with our guy friends, our parents, or our coworkers, we go into our man caves and we do our best to process it all, seeking out solutions to fix the
problem. We seek out isolation and try to work it out in our heads.

The only problem is that a person with PTSD cannot stop thinking.

I wanted to stop thinking and I wanted to feel something..anything. I did the only things that helped me to escape and feel. I watched porn. I played video games. I lied.

Sound familiar?

My next post will deal with The Cave.

 
15 Comments

Posted by on June 13, 2013 in Guest Post

 

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*Deep Breath*

Panic-attack

Panic-attack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a bunch of positive posts to polish off today but my mood wont allow it right now…Beth needs some virtual hugs and positive thinking …I’m not sure if I can do this anymore :/

Just stupid little things getting to me and building up and I cant control it. like today we were messing around in bed (not like that) and I straddled him pinning him down with my knees and telling him about something – I don’t know what but lets say a dream for arguments sake. He lay there with his eyes closed listening and I told him I wanted to show him or re-enact a situation which had occurred -my impression of a facial expression or whatever i.e. ‘do a really bored/uninterested look and I will show you what they did….‘  He wouldn’t open his eyes…So I pinched him -which made him open them wider than usual lol but then he shut them again. It was stupid but it went on for a few minutes and it really hit a nerve.Not wanting to show him how stupidly offended I was getting I went to move off him but he held me there (playfully don’t worry) and he said ‘no no where do you think you’re going?  I thought you were telling me a story etc….’ but I couldn’t say anything because I would have burst out crying. I said it didn’t matter and tried smiling/shrugging it off which then made me sound like I was being purposely awkward so we both gave up and went on with our morning.

I don’t know if anyone knows what I’m talking about or why I got so upset…I’m not even sure I know…after all he had just woken up and he said his eyes were still heavy…we have all been there but I suppose the obvious thing is the lack of eye contact. Me straddling and him with his eyes shut is all too familiar for me; we haven’t done ‘bedroom stuff’ that way for a while now and I think being back there…even fully clothed with nothing sexual going on …well I’m clearly not OK with it. Is this what people mean when they talk about triggers? Things that hit a nerve and take you back to somewhere you really don’t want to go? Or is this just expected in my situation? I mean its still only been… almost 3 months since all of this kicked off so maybe I just haven’t progressed enough in that situation for me to be able to get past it?

It frustrated me…why the fuck cant you just LOOK at me when we are like this? It offends me…Why cant you look at ME when we are like this? it upsets me and it worries me…WHAT are you thinking about, what are you trying to block out? I’m getting to the point where I’m fed up of trying to figure it out, trying to second guess everything he says and does. I just want us to be NORMAL!

THEN there’s that fucking paranoia. The lack of therapy…’hes lying’…’hes acting’…the porn!  Last time it had taken over a little too much I was sent a link by Mocha (check him out btw) to an eBook about positive thinking…I read it in an afternoon, I enjoyed it and it made sense.

‘A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances.’
‘Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power.’

I.e. Good thoughts = good things

But how CAN I always think good thoughts when the reality isn’t always good? Or when the thoughts are of the negative actions of someone else? -i.e. my husband. I’m struggling to find the balance…I mean I’m all for positive thinking and positive energy but it cant stop someone else from screwing you over and it cant change what’s happened can it? Pushing your gut feelings away and forcing good thoughts…ignoring your instincts despite past experience…making yourself believe good things when things are shitty…isn’t that denial? isn’t that unrealistic?

We both had the afternoon off together and he wanted to show me a few videos of a game show he used to watch but I had never heard of. I was on the laptop when he remembered the name of it and with that he whipped out his Xbox controller and got the video up online using that!….I had forgotten that internet explorer and youtube existed on his xbox… (stupid) so THAT raised the anxiety up a few levels but how am I meant to then keep thinking good thoughts knowing that’s there…unlimited…unblocked…while I’m out at work in the evenings.

How am I meant to stop thinking about the fact that porn is actually everywhere?…accessible everywhere…anytime…anyplace… even in a power cut there are still magazines…even in bed with me he has his images. There’s no end to it.

How do I stop wondering whether or not he will break the little bit of trust we have built back – and my heart- all over again by logging on and getting off?

How can I stop the thoughts that he’s still doing it regularly behind my back…because I don’t understand how else he would be doing so well without it?

How can I stop the thoughts that the past has taught me to have? The thoughts that are there to protect me from getting so hurt IF it happens again? He’s shown me that he can easily hide it from me, he’s shown me how naive I’ve been for not suspecting a thing…  he’s shown me how he can lie to my face every single day for over a year! How can I turn that into a positive?

How can I stay positive knowing that I do NOT trust my own husband to respect me enough to refrain from doing it? <– THAT hurts!

I cant stand it…it makes me panic, it makes me feel sick it puts me on edge to the point of breaking. I’ve just told him (through tears) that if he hurts me (porn/secrets) one more time I WILL be gone. I wont WANT to …but I NEED to and I WILL walk away. I can not take any more hurt. I told him I didn’t know what was real anymore and that it scares me. He held me tight for a long time and told me that it wont happen, he’s not going to hurt me and he is being himself with me… no major acting (aside from the usual that we all do i.e. ‘I’m fine’ when he’s actually pissed off and tired from work etc) and no more lies. I’m forcing myself – willing myself to believe him…what more can I do? Right now all I am hanging on to is hope…and my positive genuines:

  • He is work-free, paid and booked in with his therapist this weekend so something will be progressing after that and hopefully it will take the edge off for me
  • Today I managed to tell him something which was hard for me to say (the above) and it felt better knowing that he understands where I am at with all of this and reaffirming the consequences
  • We are going on a date this weekend which will give us a chance to dress up, get out and just enjoy each others company

‘Time heals almost everything…give the time some time’

xBx

 
26 Comments

Posted by on June 1, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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#11 Remember the time…

Making Memories of Us

Making Memories of Us (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week I wrote about the irony in my favourite song -posted here if you’re interested. (Not the song pictured above)

Whilst writing it my heart broke all over again, the emotions came back and the tears flowed. My husband was in the shower at the time and although I had composed myself/wiped my face by the time he came back my eyes were watery and it was obvious something was wrong.

Him: Why are you sad?
Me:  *shrugged and shook my head* It doesn’t matter
Him: Well it does, what is it?
Me:  I was just thinking about stuff
Him: What stuff was it?
Me: Nothing worth thinking about babe honestly … Nothing good anyways :/
Him: (Therapy techniques kicking in) What can I do to change that?
Me: It’s past stuff so can’t be changed
Him: …

…But we ARE changing it 🙂

Touché

Reading this back I realise how difficult I’m coming across lol but sometimes it IS difficult with things like that because i want to tell him everything and share everything with him but at the same time i don’t see the point in opening old wounds for both of us and almost reminding him of how much he has hurt me. I mean he knows how I feel about the song now but maybe not in detail – he knows the basics though.

Its like when you reminisce about good times with someone every now and then; a thought of a good time pops into your head and you tell that person and it makes you both feel good at the memory of it…‘oh remember that time we went on that really romantic trip to Paris and we ate crepes off a prostitute and shagged in a 5star hotel…’ but should i be sharing my bad memories with him every time i have them? ‘remember that time we got married and it turned out you didn’t actually feel anything for me…’ ‘remember that time i caught you watching porn…’ ‘remember the time you ruined my favourite song on earth?’

Is it part of the healing? is it helpful to both of us rather than just me?

Back to being positive… ‘we ARE changing it‘. Without even knowing the context he’s right…we ARE changing things, obviously you cant change the past but you can learn from it; you can take steps to change yourself and your future…and that’s what WE are doing. (slowly)

I hope that one day I can listen to that song and hear a completely new meaning. I hope that one day that one line will make me smile thinking about the journey WE have been on and thinking back to how much WE have overcome…together.

xBx

 
8 Comments

Posted by on May 31, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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