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Ignorance is bliss

Ignorance is Bliss

Ignorance is Bliss (Photo credit: Chi sin Gweilo)

He called his family last night. It was a skype call so despite trying to give him his privacy there are only so many doors I can close in this house in an attempt to block out his deep voice talking loudly at a computer screen – or the high pitched voices coming back. I always get emotional hearing his mother, so happy to hear from him, missing him, worrying about him…and hearing his monotone voice replying and saying nothing overly caring in return. Its heartbreaking. But last night it was emotional for a different reason.

He usually avoids calling his sister, they don’t usually get on, however last night they had a chat and I heard them laughing and joking with each other and I have to say it stung a bit. Not because I heard the old him coming out…but because these 2 women are blissfully unaware of whom they are really talking to…and I miss that!

These women miss the shit out of him, they cant wait to have him home; they ask how married life is going and he says the same every time ‘yeah it’s a going’ (with a chuckle on the end) which in turn is met with concerned questions and replies of ‘aww I know its hard…it’s a big change…’ IF ONLY THEY KNEW!

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know the truth because then I could be as happy as they are…and at the same time knowing that it’s a lie…it just reminds me of the times that we would have skype calls and he would laugh with me like that…and all of it was fake. Its such a painful realisation, its confusing being jealous of something you know isn’t real.

I wish I could call them and ask what the fuck went on when he was younger but morally I know its wrong and it wouldn’t help anything, all it would do is make them wonder why and make him trust me even less. But still I wish I could, to ask, to know and to let them know that I am not the reason he’s sounding miserable or the reason that he doesn’t talk much…I am not the one who has changed him.

The same goes for his friends. NO ONE knows any of the stuff we are going through; only a handful of people I know know…and of course they don’t know EVERYTHING and never will but it annoys me to think that his friends, the ones who knew him before he knew me are probably sat around at every event he decides not to go to and blaming me for changing him. Talking to each other about how things were before he met me, or how miserable I’ve made him by stopping him seeing his friends (I didnt)…because of course when we DO see them he puts on his happy act and I feel sick again.

He acts around friends, around my family, around HIS family…but he’s himself around me and I know I know its good that he’s not acting to me anymore and that he trusts me enough to be himself and confess all of this to me…but I still come off looking worse…and I still get jealous. Who wants to see their husband happier than ever around other people? – even if it IS fake? It still hurts. Even knowing that its not real, its so convincing that you just feel like the boring one, like the one who’s draining him every other day…even more so when he’s managing to have a nice (hilariously funny) conversation with the sister whom he cant stand to talk to! Its not my place to tell any of these people anything about him but I still have to answer to his friends about where I’ve been hiding him and why we don’t go out…I still have to lie…to cover for him and its horrible.

Of course he’s never ASKED me to lie for him but its not like I can say…’actually we have both been in therapy because his past is fucked up and he’s dragged me into it and lived a lie his entire life…consequently hanging out with people and lying to their faces on a regular basis hasn’t been top of my list of things to do so…you know how it is…’ – god I’d LOVE to say that lol.

I just cant stand the thought of people ‘blaming’ me for this stuff, it doesn’t seem fair to have to just lay down and take it for the sake of my husbands confidence/embarrassment/shame… If we split up and his friends asked him what happened all he would say is that ‘it didn’t work out’ …but that’s missing a massive chunk of what IT is…but he would never tell them. Its MY name being dragged through the mud and I don’t like it.

Which got me thinking. IF anything ever happened to me (not saying I think he’s going to kill me or I’m planning to kill myself lol) BUT in the future…if you see on the news that a bunch of Americans living in Britain came and kidnapped little old Beth to save their friend…or that I got hit by a low flying jet or something…can someone PLEASE stick up for me? You know, hunt my husbands friends or family down …or just the newspaper…and send them the link to my first blog post on here? Just so they know what REALLY happened.

I suppose Pete would be the best one for the job really seeing as he knows me and the ‘original’ me so it wouldn’t be too hard to see who I tweet regularly on the original and work your way backwards. No one knows I have this blog – except one person I know in real life (hi Stig btw)- so if anything happened to me then no one would ever know the truth…and that idea scares me…especially as at this rate it would probably say ‘ding dong the bitch is dead’ on my headstone lol. I will take this to my grave…but after that theres nothing stopping the world from knowing is there?

xBx

 
 

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Starting the ball rolling

Get the ball rolling

Get the ball rolling (Photo credit: temporalata)

I know what this “thing” is, I don’t know ALL details or the extent of the link between it and whatever happens in the bedroom….and I’m not sure I want to know … But I know I need to in order to understand it… And he definitely needs to talk to his therapist about it in order to do that. What I do understand is why he’s taken so long to come out with it… :/

He came home from his therapist appointment and I asked how it went.
He started telling his therapist everything and she stopped him and asked if he was comfortable telling her. He said no so she said she doesn’t want him to tell her until he’s comfortable (I believe this by the way, if he was going to lie about it he would have just said that he had told her… He knows I’m meeting with her soon anyway so lying would be pointless) they then went on to discuss his reasons why he’s not comfortable.

He said he doesn’t want telling anyone to take away or add from it. I asked him to clarify what he meant… Was the “it” the thoughts he had or…? He said no he was worried about our reactions and that it would change our opinions of him. I asked why he would care what we thought and he told me that he cared because its not nice stuff…it could then change his views on himself… His self worth… Which is already lower than low.

I asked what he thought would make him more comfortable… What would make him talk about it…? He said he doesn’t know and that that’s what they are working on in sessions from now on. She is also sending me an email with a link to an article about “people like him” so once I have that I’ll share it with you.

Apparently she asked him to list 3 positives about himself and he struggled so he told her that I had been asking him for a positive, genuine, good happy thing every other day…like I’ve written about here (he’s still been doing them btw I just haven’t blogged all of them) She said I was smart (yay me) and wants me to up it to three times a day. – challenge accepted.

I don’t know whether she wants me to ask him good things about himself or keep it as it is (and he wasn’t sure either) so I’ve contacted her to clarify – whether she’s allowed to or not I don’t know (probably not) so if that’s the case I’ll get him to call and ask himself.

So I suppose the main thing is that she now knows that there is a lot more to come, he’s admitted that much and started the ball rolling. Its frustrating as hell but…I get it.

xBx

 

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Positively Dahling

Light Bulb

Light Bulb (Photo credit: anthonystoro)

I asked him how many times he had impulse lied without telling me, he said a couple but they were over little things that weren’t relevant, one example he gave was when I asked what he was thinking about (yup that old cliché) well we often ask each other and he said on one particular occasion he said “nothing” when in fact he had been on a random thought tangent,  i.e. ” where can I get a new bulb -> light bulbs and flower bulbs probably share the same name because they’re the same shape -> boys and girls often share the same name, Sam, Jo…. -> ooh look a squirrel”

I do the same quite a lot so I understand why he said “nothing”…Because I’m guilty of doing it too.

He was adamant that any others were along the same lines. Sometimes when he’s said overly sweet or nice things I’ve flat out asked if he’s impulse lying and he will either say no or he will give me the impolite or dulled version… But that’s where I get confused; how do you differentiate between impulse lying and just being nice or polite to make others feel good?

I’ve often asked how someone is out of politeness, I’ve made small talk about shit I don’t care about and I’ve said dinner was great when really it was only OK. So where do you draw the line?

I suppose the thing is for him to learn that if he said “dinner was OK” it wouldn’t make a difference. Yeah it’s rude but it’s honest so I’m assuming the point is for him to recognise that he does it and that there is no point in lying no matter how insignificant. right?

I asked whether the thought of telling me has made him lie less so that he doesn’t have to tell me or whether it’s stayed the same. He told me that since telling me the truth THAT day, he had been consciously trying to stop anyway so it’s not really made a difference to the amount.

A few days later we had banter and I ended up making a joke about feelings – or lack of- as a retort to him. I know I know, slap my wrist but he knows I need to laugh or I’ll cry. He asked me (nicely) to please not make jokes about his “feelers”. I apologised and said to be honest I don’t believe that he doesn’t feel anything because his actions contradict his words. Immediately he said he thought so too as his therapist had explained about burying emotions and how childhood trauma can result in subconscious coping techniques etc which he agreed with – LIGHTBULB MOMENT YES! Finally! He’s on the same page as me.

Ok so it needed someone else to tell him – god knows how she worded it so he understood- but it finally clicked for him that he isn’t a monster and that he isn’t alone and that there IS hope.

With all of this considered i asked him to tell me one good, genuine, positive thing each day or every other day,… Or every other week… big or small, whether it’s that dinner was actually nice or that he enjoyed hanging out.  Just so I don’t lose sight of why he’s with me- and neither does he- and so I can learn what makes him tick, what makes him happy and I can understand his way of thinking as far as “we” are concerned a little bit more – plus it makes for a good blogging category (joking – kind of)

He said he would so – as I’m a soppy, sentimental fool with an abandoned “happy book” -I think I’m going to make him his own happy book (in blog category form) and document each genuinely good thing he tells me- so I can re read them whenever I lose sight. They will be my reasons to carry on, part of my motivation and my reasons to smile.

xBx

 
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Posted by on April 10, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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The now – Therapy

turtle therapist

turtle therapist (Photo credit: andessurvivor)

He had his first therapy session this weekend. I’m dying to know what was said but of course he’s guarded and doesn’t ‘do’ talking about anything in as much detail as I do.

All I know is that he has been asked to admit when he impulse lies to me…and when he does that I am meant to avoid reacting in any way…how the hell am I meant to do that?? Just change the subject?

He cant think of an example of what kind of impulse lies he has been telling me…so I’m anxious about keeping any reaction to myself but apparently he’s meant to do it in order to realise himself when he’s doing it and my lack of reaction…well I’m assuming its to stop him feeding off it? To take away a reason for him to do it, to show him that’s its pointless and doesn’t achieve anything.

I must admit it’s a hard to come to terms with the thought that my husband, whom apparently trusted me with everything…whom said I was the one person in the world he could talk to…is now talking to someone else about his deepest thoughts. I know I know, its good that he’s seeing a therapist, he NEEDS to see a therapist, he needs to talk to someone who is trained to deal with issues like his and I am so proud of him going to see her. But its still hard. Probably because it reminds me that when he said those things to me, when he ‘talked openly to me about everything and anything’ it was all bullshit :/

I don’t like being out of the loop, it used to be our loop, with just the 2 of us in it…but now its not. Now its just…well 2 straight lines, there is no loop, its been cut.

I’m so worried that there is more bad stuff to come, of course its bound to be worse before it gets better but this way I have to wait to find out what that bad stuff is; I have to rely on him to come home and put his therapy techniques into practice…what if there are more revelations? I don’t know if I can handle much more.

What if he comes home and tells me ‘I made it all up…I can love I just didn’t and don’t love you and I needed a way out’ ? what if it turns out that he realises he did feel but he didn’t know what these feelings were…and that in fact he can love, he does love but he doesn’t love me? What if he gets better…and I get crushed in the process…what if I end up resenting him because of all of this and at the end of it its me who leaves because I no longer love him?

The back-story was all well and good…because I knew at the time of writing how it was going to end…but I don’t know the answer anymore. Its anyone’s guess and I am absolutely petrified.

xBx

 
 

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Part 10: Limbo

Thinking RFID

Thinking RFID (Photo credit: @boetter)

Late at night there was a knock on the door… It was him and he wanted to talk. He looked like shit and it made me wonder how someone who-apparently- lacks the ability to feel anything could look so bad if that were true.

“I think I do love you… I have to… Otherwise I wouldn’t feel this shit…would I? I’ve messed up… I AM messed up… I’m so confused. I think I love you but I don’t KNOW that for sure, I don’t know WHAT I feel.. Or if I feel at all. Maybe I’ve blocked things, maybe shit did happen when I was young and it really has messed me up. But I’m not sure whether I’ve felt shit for the past few hours because I don’t want to lose you – and therefore might love you or because I feel guilty knowing that you have no where to go, you’ve given up so much to be with me and now you have nothing”

I was stunned and gutted but strangely hopeful at the same time. I told him to take that thought out of the equation or imagine I had everything I wanted or needed back in my home town and to take some more time to think it over.

Caramel Latte

Caramel Latte (Photo credit: SweetOnVeg)

The next week is a blur, I literally ran on autopilot and lived on mocha and caramel lattes – I wasn’t purposely starving myself but the thought of food made me feel sick, in fact I was physically sick through the shock of it all. I wasn’t hungry and it was only when I googled the effects it would have on my body that I forced myself to have some goodness each day. I continued seeing our counsellor by myself, I asked him if HE had known something was off with us since day one… If it was just me who had been fooled… He said no. He hadn’t seen it coming, he had thought there were some issues – otherwise we wouldn’t have been there but aside from the ones we had spoken about he was as shocked as I was.

My husband had returned every night for the first few days, either to get something he had forgotten, to drop something back or – on the third night just to talk. He asked whether IF he decided to work through this with me I would still want to be with him and how it would ever be ok… I told him I would be there for him, but I wouldn’t be walked all over and that it would take a lot of work to get us back to any kind of normality. we would 100% need professional help, both together and separately, we would need to build the trust back from scratch, he would need to be honest and I would need to get to know the “real” him… I would need to live the “real” us… And only then would I know whether I could stay or not.

After he left I had some more time to think and thought you know what… Fuck therapy right now, if that’s what has scared him off and he’s not ready to face his demons today then forget it for right now. All I really needed to know was whether he loved me (thought/hoped he could/wanted to) and wanted to be with me or not… THEN we can go from there. So I text him:

=(

=( (Photo credit: The Slushey One)

‘OK one last text and I will leave you to it, I’m not going to guilt trip you or anything but I’ve thought about what you just asked me… I think all I would need for us to sort this out is to know that you do love me. Fuck therapy and stuff right now, although I feel it would help both of us and there are definitely issues which need to be dealt with all of that can be addressed later, if I knew you loved me that would be a big enough starting point. THATS what you need to be thinking about. I love you and I always will xx’

I didn’t hear from him for the next 4 days and in that time the reality – and heartbreak- set in. Was that mornings kiss really the last time he would ever tell me he loved me? What if he came back and said no? What if this really was the end of us? I couldn’t stand it, it made me sick. I have history of attempted suicide and had vowed to never ever do that again but my god how I wished I could just curl up and literally die… Die of a broken heart and that way it wasn’t a selfish act, it wasn’t my doing… It was just proof that I couldn’t survive this heart ache.

I did survive though, and I could survive longer because if I’ve learned anything from my past it’s that even when you feel THAT low, when you feel like you can’t take any more… You do. You take it and you kick its ass! You get through it… Somehow. My “somehow” was “denial”. I refused to believe he couldn’t feel anything, he had cried at a film once, I had seen him look like shit… He has been shaking whenever I had seen him on those few days…Besides, believing it would mean I would have to accept that none of our past, none of our memories.. our special things… our wedding vows and the photos that made me so happy to look back at… None of it was real.

xBx

 

 

 

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Part 9: Secrets & Lies

wait

wait (Photo credit: CmdrFire)

The counsellor asked what was going on at which point I just glared at my husband and signalled him to speak
“Well… She found out I had been watching porn and masturbating”
I glared again waiting for the rest but he left it at that! The counsellor began to speak and I raised my hand to stop him before adding “erm AND he wants a divorce” The counsellor laughed for a split second, assuming I was joking, before realising I was serious. He separated us so he could talk to us separately…my husband went first.

The wait was excruciating but soon enough the door opened, my husband left and I was called in. Panicked about where he had gone I was informed he had stepped out for a breather but would be back. He asked me what I knew about my husband, what I knew about his past…his upbringing. I told him what I knew…anything I could think of that might be relevant…he was possibly sexually abused, his mum is sick, his aunt would beat him regularly when he was young but he has blocked a lot out…he got into drugs and into trouble because of it…I stopped, at a loss and desperate to know what was going on.

My husband came back in and the 2 of us were encouraged to talk to each other. Of course he said nothing and left it for me to go first…how?? I don’t have a clue what’s going on…YOU GO! He told me that he had been lying to me, he wasn’t the person I thought he was…the person he had made out to be…he had A LOT of secrets and had lied to me since the start. Taken back I asked if he used to be a woman…SO inappropriate but I had to break the tension. He smiled, said no and then his expression changed completely. I asked him to explain more to me, what the lies were…. But he was vague and just kept saying ‘stuff’ or ‘everything’

Frustrated I turned to the counsellor and asked where we go from here as I still don’t know anything. He agreed and said that although he cant tell me himself he does think we need to talk about it. He explained to my husband that I needed to know, I should know…I deserved to know. Here was a woman who was willing to walk to the ends of the earth for her man…but she cant do that if he doesn’t let her in. He agreed to tell me…just not there, so we headed home with me still in the dark. Once home – and after a LOT of deflecting from him and practically begging from me he told me the truth.

Lies

Lies (Photo credit: mcritz)

‘Everything I have ever said to you (about feelings) has been a lie…I don’t know if I love you, I don’t know if I ever have and I don’t know if I ever can…I am numb. I feel nothing, not just for you…not just love…for anything…for anyone. I haven’t ever felt anything. If you say a lie enough times eventually it becomes true, I thought maybe if I said I loved you enough times I would believe it and I would feel it and it would be true. I thought if I said I was happy with you, if I pretended to be upset some times…but it hasn’t worked, every tear you’ve seen me shed has been fake, every smile, every laugh…its all been fake, its all been an act and I’m so tired of acting. I cant do it anymore’

Wow!

He told me that if he had been himself I would be miserable…but by acting and lying…he was miserable. He had tried to love me, he had really wanted to…but how could he love me if he had lied to such an extent? Or if he wasn’t being himself? He said he would miss me if I did leave, but didn’t think it would bother him that much whether I stayed or went and that I could take my time packing my things and arranging where I was going to go…..

HOLD…THE FUCK…ON.

You really want me to go? You really want to end this without even hearing my response? Without seeing if we could sort it out?

He was shocked…he asked how I could even think about moving past this with him, how I could ever forgive him and how I didn’t hate him at that moment -I know a few of you are probably asking the same thing right now but the answer: because I DO love him and I vowed to love him for better or worse…besides, he had lied to try and benefit both of us, yes it was still lying but he didn’t do it with the intention of breaking my heart, he had done it to try and find happiness for himself, he had acted in such a way that he knew made me happy… he hadn’t cheated, he hadn’t beaten me or been a horrible person…there was still a chance that I would love the ’real him’ just as much IF I got the chance to know him. I couldn’t have left without at least trying, without understanding what was happening to me…to US…or without taking some time to let everything sink in fully.

He packed a few bags and went to stay at a friends to give me us both some space to think about everything, to establish what we wanted, whether he felt anything and what to do next.

Left alone I was numb…ironically.

xBx

 

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Part 8: The truth comes out

Heartbroken

Heartbroken (Photo credit: buckofive)

The next week was interesting, I liked the idea of teasing him and building up to the moment the ban was lifted, he however wasn’t so keen to be teased and instead impressed me with his self control. So much so that that weekend I visited a friend and trusted him alone at home with all the equipment for a bit of DIY but the promise that he wouldn’t.

The day of the ban lift arrived, we saw our counsellor and established that – like we already knew- taking sex out of the equation didn’t change anything. We were still strong regardless. That night we were excited, this time we had actually made it a whole week so this was the moment if truth… But still no joy.

I admit it was an anticlimax in more ways than one. I had been hopeful but still he felt nothing. I was annoyed that after all this time we were only figuring this out now. If he had stayed true to his word before then we could have crossed it ff the list months ago and gotten all of this disappointment out of the way. Oh well at least we knew now and we were still satisfied one way or another.

The next morning I felt better, he was at work and I mustered up the motivation to start working on my resume. I logged on and (my heart is beating so hard just thinking about it) the first thing I found was… You guessed it… Porn! For fucks sake!!

I had messaged him just moments before telling him how great the night before was, how we would figure something out and I would support him regardless… What a fucking idiot.

Shocked I stared at the screen and a message popped up from him for me telling me he loved me. Instantly I replied calling him every name under the sun. He pretended he didn’t know what I was talking about so I asked why PORN would be the first thing on my screen??!

The messages stopped.

I was devastated… What an utter wanker! … Literally! The morning after.. Less than 24 hours later and he was back at it again! Within what seemed like minutes he was banging on the front door having left work to sort this out.

“Here I am… I’m sick… I’m disgusting”
I asked him why. He said he didn’t know.
I asked him how many times he had watched it since the ban was put into place… 3!
I asked him where he did it.. And where I was. He said I didn’t want to know.
I demanded. Once at home while I was at my friends. Once this morning while I was upstairs sleeping and once in the car outside work one morning!
Shaking I asked what he used while in the car. He said nothing… just his thoughts.
I asked what he thought about. He said he thought about the last time we watched porn!

*heart sinks*

I tried to stop my head from spinning but didn’t have enough time before he dropped the next bombshell on me…

“I think we should probably get a divorce”

*heart…breaks*

He went on to tell me he can’t stop, he keeps hurting me and he can’t keep hurting me… But he will. He said he didn’t see a way past this and divorce was the only option as far as he was concerned. He would rather live alone than continue to hurt me. It was too much to take in, too many emotions running through me at once…disgust, insecurity, anger, disappointment, shock…and now heartache accompanied by sheer panic.

I didn’t want to lose him, that’s not what marriage is! You don’t just give up…HE doesn’t have the right to call time on something that he has hardly put any effort into. I’m the one who has tried so hard, whom has supported him and put myself out there for him. I’m the one on the receiving end of this shit, I’m the one who is well within their rights to hold my hands up and say I cant try any more, Besides I sure as hell wasn’t about to let porn win the battle for my marriage…THAT alone would destroy me completely !

I did the only thing I could think of right then and called our counsellor to schedule an emergency appointment, I needed a mediator in this, there MUST be something else, he cant just end us over a w*nk…I also needed someone there as a way to guarantee I wouldn’t lose control and kick the shit out of him. I’m not a violent person, I’ve never hit him but my emotions were all over the place and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to stay calm alone in a room with him.

Luckily he was free to see us so we set off to talk this out…in separate cars.

xBx

 

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