Tag Archives: Love

It’s been one year….

20130318-121902-AM.jpgIt’s been a year since the shit hit the fan…. so it seems only fitting that I write a post.

I feel I owe it to myself to revisit this blog -to face my demons- but also to anyone still out there wondering ‘what ever happened to Beth?’ so…here I am…and this is what happened

In July we had our first wedding anniversary…I had been anxious about it but we celebrated by burning some bad memories – those in the form of diary entries, letters which held dark confessions and even photos or ‘happy book’ pages which made me feel sick looking back on. Not because the times themselves were bad…but once you find out that most of your relationship has been a lie things kind of take a sour turn.

We took our burn-iversary as a fresh start; a chance to put as many of those bad feelings as we could behind us and instead focus on moving forward…on how to make things better and how to make new…REAL…memories. At the time I was still feeling uneasy, emotions were up and down constantly; some days all I could think about was what he had done whereas others it didn’t even cross my mind.

It was during one of these ‘up’ streaks that we had news from his work that we would have to leave for America….in September! As you can imagine my heart was in my stomach. I had given our marriage one year from THAT day to figure out whether I stayed or we went our separate ways…now I had a matter of weeks to make up my mind!?

One thing that kept nagging me was this gut-wrenching feeling whenever I considered NOT going with him. By this time I was past any “what would people think?” “what would I tell my mother?” crap and had learnt to focus on what I wanted and not what society would find alarming. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to try…but there was so much to do, so much upheaval… this was an international move…I would need a visa…I had loose ends to tie up…I would have to quit the job I loved….

Shit Happens - By ComfortablyNumb

Shit Happens – By ComfortablyNumb

I chewed it over and over -AND OVER…I spoke to my best friend – the only person (offline) who knows EVERYTHING about our situation- and she reminded me that I could always come home if shit went wrong again. Eventually I told my dad and my step-dad about my doubts, hinting that things weren’t peachy between us; I spoke to a good friend from the blogging world…they all said the same… “you can always come home” and “you would regret NOT giving it a go”

So…I went.

Through a series of events with work, visa applications and an unrelated court case the moving date was postponed for a month here and another month there -It was stressful to say the least but we got here in the end and so far I am NOT regretting it.

HOWEVER…(did you see that one coming?) with everything going on with the move the therapy, counseling and everything that goes with it has been put on the back burner. It’s not that we are ignoring the fact that we need to carry on working on things – believe me he made sure I knew that he WILL keep seeing someone and I made sure HE knew that if he didn’t I would have his balls in a vice-it’s just that with any move its stressful and expensive so we have to wait until it’s more feasible to go (and keep going) to sessions in order to make them count.

That being said… I’m bloody dreading it. Its been so nice NOT having to think about shit for a few months. The move has pushed us together and grounded my feelings for him; the stresses of everything have taught us to work together and communicate more than we ever did – I mean yeah there’s still that mars/Venus divide but as far as US as a couple we are much stronger – at least as far as I’m concerned. I suppose I’m finding the idea of going from pretend-ignorant-bliss back to shock-horror-here’s-another-bombshell rather unsettling…but who wouldn’t? As for ‘deeper’ progress there have been a few small victories for us…though reading this back they’re actually rather big.

yeah right lol

yeah right lol

Before we left England he had started feeling more physically (in the bedroom) but it was still rare. Now, however it’s probably 90% of the time. The sensation doesn’t last long but the fact that the frequency has increased massively means we must be doing something right (yay us!) This is a massive confidence boost for me, I don’t feel as rushed to ‘get it over with before he starts yawning’ and I can sometimes tell when it’s happening for him. We did have a type of code but that always reminded us of the ‘issue’ so now we just roll with it and see what happens.

We are a little more spontaneous with it, definitely more passionate/romantic and generally more relaxed…more loving. It’s like we are both actually present…we make eye contact…more kissing…I don’t feel like a hooker! Of course some days it all hits me again that this isn’t a ‘normal’ sex life and that for most couples it’s a lot ‘easier’ for them…but then I remind myself that it’s OURS, it’s working for us…and at least I don’t have a problem with a partner who is done in a few minutes ha ha (sorry but I have to laugh)

Out of the bedroom he is more caring too; he now has a phone and actually texts me during the daytime which has made such a big difference. He leaves notes for me sometimes when he heads off to work and he picks up a little something now and again if he stops off to get petrol or whatever on his way home. He told me a few months ago during a heart to heart that he now genuinely likes cuddles and missed the ones I used to give him; he had started feeling ‘less loved’ by me than before and cared enough -or felt enough- to actually say something about it (I had started blocking myself without realising.) He was honest enough to tell me things that he knew I wouldn’t like hearing -rather than lying to keep me happy) and said openly that he still needed to work some things out with a professional..

I still have issues with porn…like I said…who wouldn’t after everything? I have some filters set up on his phone and on the computer (with his permission – nothing sneaky) but we both agree that neither of us are ready for them to be removed – again not something I LIKED hearing but at least he was honest about it. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t deleted this blog, I don’t like that I WILL be posting on here more frequently once the therapy starts…but its the truth and I have to face it. I still have days where I remember that we do have a lot of work to do (and he agrees) and it hurts like hell but at least we realize this and aren’t just sweeping it under the carpet for good.

Yes there is a LOT of work to be done but we both know that and WILL get back into the swing of it once we are settled with everything else. For now…I am happy that we are making progress on our own. The bottom line in all of this? I’m glad I came with him, I’m glad I gave it a shot and I’m certain I want to keep working on it.

I am so sorry for dropping off the face of the…blogging-world. I have missed you guys, but I can’t lie I’m not looking forward to being back…I will be back though, just not yet.



Posted by on February 25, 2014 in The Present -How things are


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#13 As sick as your secrets

**Continuing on from my last post (here) ***

Number 9 Sign

Number 9 Sign (Photo credit: tedeytan)

In order for this to make as much sense as possible, its probably a good idea to read back (if you haven’t already) about our rating scale technique – posted here.

After telling me how he knows he can trust me and explaining that its hard to tell me the things he WANTS to tell me let alone the things he’s not ready to talk about yet…he then said something which made my heart stop.

“I’m really tempted to tell you my 10…but I don’t feel like it’s right yet…

so are you ready for a 9?”

Of course I wont go into detail of it here but that 9 of his was shocking…and not in the way you would assume. what took me by surprise was how NORMAL his 9 was…this massive secret which he was too scared to say to anyone for his entire life…this 9 out of 10 on the scale of difficulty…was something so…common that had I not known it was a ‘9’ for him i probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he told me.

I’ll give you what I think would be a (fictional of course) comparison of this ‘9’ of his…

  • ‘I wet the bed till I was 11’
  • ‘I still cry at Disney films’
  • ‘I’m afraid of the dark’

Of course the content was a relief…you would assume something as hard to disclose as that would automatically mean it’s something bad but -like she said before- it’s not always the content that is hard to tell…it’s just that its something of his. What has blown my mind repeatedly in all of this is how little he has ‘Googled’ about this stuff…because if he had then he may have worked out by now that he is not weird…or that other people go through this stuff too. Regardless, because I knew how hard it was to tell me- BEFORE he told me, I was able to react in an encouraging way. Instead of shrugging it off i thanked him for letting me in, instead of giggling or making an inappropriate joke i was able to take it seriously and actually listen to what he was telling me but most importantly i was able to reassure him that he is not a freak…that he shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and that this thing is more common than he realises…I was able to put his mind at ease -so in that sense the rating scale saved the day as without it i probably wouldn’t have reacted – or appreciated it – the same way.

His therapist had explained to me how he should be telling himself ‘its ok…nothing bad happened’ at any times when he does something which he sees as a ‘fuck up’ – for example spilling a drink like I explained in the post about the oxygen mask…OR when he tells me something of his. So again I was able to remind him of that once he told me his 9- literally by telling him ‘see…nothing bad has happened…its ok’ and then physically by keeping my body language the same, by kissing him etc -My health and social care teacher would be proud lol…those A levels are really paying off now ha ha.

He allowed me to ask questions so I started slow and eventually (a handful of questions later) we got to a point where he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I let it go and we carried on as normal (see…nothing happened!) I thought it only fair to share one of my higher numbers with him to even the score but again, seeing as I’m probably a bit too open all i could find was a 5/6…that being a poem I had written on the Community Storyboard about cuddling him in bed (here) The reason that was a 5/6 was because its my true feelings about us and its MY blog but I shared that with him (whilst hiding behind a pillow) and he liked it so I think we both felt a little lighter after that- and closer to each other too.

For me to find a 5/6 is pretty rare…there’s not a lot that i wouldn’t tell him or share with him…or not much that i would find difficult anyway… but there was ONE other 5 that I let him into and that was meeting BeetleyPete a few weeks ago. For me meeting Pete (and Mrs Pete) was important to ME. It involved going somewhere I usually go by myself…one of my happy places I suppose (which I don’t have many of now I live here) and introducing my husband to THE blogging legend himself. It was something I was looking forward to and I was almost a little bit protective of…something I didn’t want to be tainted by anything or anyone…something for me…which I allowed him into…something I shared with him. THAT was hard for me to do…but I did it…and nothing bad happened 🙂

Another thing his therapist had explained during that session was what he would feel like after divulging something of his; and so with this information and knowing how big this secret was for him I was prepared for what happened next. I knew how shit he would be feeling…and it was obvious that he was; He said he felt physically sick and that night he asked me NOT to cuddle him in bed (and apologised for asking lol) But i understood why he was being that way so did whatever I could to make him see that no matter what I was still here for him and that this secret had not and would not change anything. For the next few days he was a little bit ‘off’ but I was able to let him ride the wave without giving him too much shit for being in a mood and keep reassuring him without actually making a big deal out of it.

Its been a while since his 9…and he’s back to normal as far as the aftermath of it goes but he’s still not ready for his 10…and I am not pushing for it. Its good to know he felt safe enough to open up to me – and that I knew how to handle it once he did; I think – for us- this was a major breakthrough, I feel closer to him – almost smug actually lol- and I hope he feels closer to me too…but most importantly I hope I have shown him that it IS ok to let me in…because nothing bad happens when he does 🙂



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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Deep Breath

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.


stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”



He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued



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Weekly Writing Challenge: 21st Century Love is…Dangerous

Relationship Status Update

Relationship Status Update (Photo credit: joelaz)

I have had an ‘isn’t it ironic’ post floating around my head about how we first got together, how we talked about everything and anything…how we got to know each other inside out…how we talked about our pasts, honesty, trust! Anyone whom knows my situation will see the irony in that alone SO…apologies for the negativity (and rambling) but this weeks writing challenge seemed like the perfect place to do it.

21st Century love is instant. It’s fast, its varied, it’s easy… But it’s also dangerous. It feels safer pouring your heart out from a distance, being braver than you would in real life but it also feels that way for whomever you’re talking to; while hiding behind a screen can protect you physically, it doesn’t stop you getting hurt emotionally.

If I had written this 6 months ago I probably would have swooned about the night we met and how it definitely wasn’t love at first sight.

I’d have cringed at the memory of getting his name wrong within minutes of him telling me what it was and how we parted ways thinking nothing more pf each other. I would have smiled thinking about how we got talking a day or so later; about how we fell in love with each others personalities before anything else – because we had spent an entire month talking for hours every day (and every night and every chance we could in between) before eventually meeting face to face again.

I would have reminisced about how we really got to know each other inside out during those talks and how great it felt to have someone who liked me for me… Rather than what they could get from me physically. How we would stay up till silly hours just talking on the phone about anything until our ears were hot. How my heart skipped a beat each time my phone vibrated with a new message from him and how I would look my best from the waist up for our video calls but would often get busted when the camera tipped to reveal my pyjama bottoms and fluffy slippers…but it didn’t matter to him.

I would have marvelled at the fact that I felt like I knew everything there was to know about him because all outside factors were removed, no date nights, no low cut tops… Just me and him talking about our lives- past and present, our wants for the future, our fears and secrets.

I would have raved about the power of the Internet -in particular Facebook chat which then progressed to Skype– and how it managed to connect 2 people (whom were a mere 77miles apart) in more ways than just the literal sense. It allowed us to be together, to talk, to hear…to see each other despite the physical distance. It provided comfort, excitement…But overall it produced love.


This isn’t 6 months ago… And now I know what those fond memories of mine really are… I know the truth behind the story of how “we” came to be. I know that all of those heart to hearts, all of those deep and meaningfuls… all of that “connecting”  was just an act. It was pretend, a virtual reality… perfect on screen but not much good in practice.

It was done for my benefit as well as his own with no intention to be malicious…but it still hurt in the long run and it was executed brilliantly. I mean acting and lying over a text is so much easier than face to face isn’t it? Which is the ironic thing in this…because I would store those texts, those emails, that chat thread. I would cherish them, I would re-read them if ever we couldn’t get time to talk to each other. I would use them to comfort me when I had a bad day, to encourage me when doubtful of the path ahead… To make me smile when I had nothing else to smile about. They were my modern day love letters – sent and received within seconds AND saving paper 😉 The written text felt so much stronger than just hearing it, more solid… So real!

But they weren’t, none of them were. They were just words formed in a way that he thought would have the greatest impact. Copied from past conversations, heard from TV shows, mimicked for years. Just words from someone who was hiding behind a screen. Like a firewall or an antivirus protecting himself; Testing it’s perimeter and managing to block out any threats… Until one slips through and the whole system fails. Well fuck the system, I’ve slipped through and I’m not going anywhere. I’ve thought about how easy it would be to just hit ‘delete’ on all of those cherished ‘love notes’, the ohotos of us… but I can’t. I don’t want to, it would take seconds to delete them all but I’m sure I would regret it just as quickly. I don’t want to delete parts of our past…even if they weren’t real for him…they were and are real for me.

21st century love is being able to store virtual  memories on an external hard drive, deleting the rubbish and rebooting the system so that when the day comes for you to look back at them- they are safe, protected and unharmed. A perfectly edited version of you…of your past…just the way you want to remember them.



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Date night

Over the weekend we had our date night. He had just had his first therapy session in a while and I had just come home from work… And both of us were a little worse for wear from the night before. SO… We kept it casual and opted for a meal out.

We had 2 rules. The first being that we had to try something new – ie a different dish (i ALWAYS have pasta) and the second rule was that we had to pretend like it was a first date and we would both be ourselves ie getting to know each other again… But the real him… A do-over if you will. this meant he had to leave the house and come back to knock for me, I was actually nervous ha ha.

I couldn’t find my keys and made him wait in the hallway and then explained that I had gone for smart-casual as I had no idea where we were going. He asked about my day and likewise I asked him “oh you know just come back from therapy… I’m a little mentally unstable so… Is that a turn on?”

We made small talk on the way asking about home towns and interests and it was actually quite exciting… And really did feel like a date (ha ha says a lot about my thrilling lifestyle huh?)

We arrived at a restaurant which he had heard serves “exotic meat” (of course a few easy innuendos were made) and sure enough the chalk boards told us he had heard right.

We ordered “steak on a stone” a choice of unusual steak meats such as crocodile, ostrich…. to name a few. whichevwr you decide is presented raw on a slab which is heated to 300 degrees and it cooks itself in from of you – to your taste.
We were intrigued …we ordered the kangaroo and the Zebra… It was gorgeous!

I’m a bit confused as to where they get the meats from… And a bit reluctant to find out at the same time… I’d be willing to bet that its road kill … “Look honey I found a basger” … “Put it on the menu as zebra… Some mug will pay good money for that” *enter us*

Regardless it was really nice – the meat and the date in general. I’d like to say we both went home and had mad passionate sex all over the house … But we were both so shattered that we ended up cuddling up on the sofa with pjs on … Besides… I don’t do things like that on a first date 😉


Written in the garden in the sun so please excuse any spelling mistakes etc

20130606-112055 AM.jpg


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*Deep Breath*


Panic-attack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I had a bunch of positive posts to polish off today but my mood wont allow it right now…Beth needs some virtual hugs and positive thinking …I’m not sure if I can do this anymore :/

Just stupid little things getting to me and building up and I cant control it. like today we were messing around in bed (not like that) and I straddled him pinning him down with my knees and telling him about something – I don’t know what but lets say a dream for arguments sake. He lay there with his eyes closed listening and I told him I wanted to show him or re-enact a situation which had occurred -my impression of a facial expression or whatever i.e. ‘do a really bored/uninterested look and I will show you what they did….‘  He wouldn’t open his eyes…So I pinched him -which made him open them wider than usual lol but then he shut them again. It was stupid but it went on for a few minutes and it really hit a nerve.Not wanting to show him how stupidly offended I was getting I went to move off him but he held me there (playfully don’t worry) and he said ‘no no where do you think you’re going?  I thought you were telling me a story etc….’ but I couldn’t say anything because I would have burst out crying. I said it didn’t matter and tried smiling/shrugging it off which then made me sound like I was being purposely awkward so we both gave up and went on with our morning.

I don’t know if anyone knows what I’m talking about or why I got so upset…I’m not even sure I know…after all he had just woken up and he said his eyes were still heavy…we have all been there but I suppose the obvious thing is the lack of eye contact. Me straddling and him with his eyes shut is all too familiar for me; we haven’t done ‘bedroom stuff’ that way for a while now and I think being back there…even fully clothed with nothing sexual going on …well I’m clearly not OK with it. Is this what people mean when they talk about triggers? Things that hit a nerve and take you back to somewhere you really don’t want to go? Or is this just expected in my situation? I mean its still only been… almost 3 months since all of this kicked off so maybe I just haven’t progressed enough in that situation for me to be able to get past it?

It frustrated me…why the fuck cant you just LOOK at me when we are like this? It offends me…Why cant you look at ME when we are like this? it upsets me and it worries me…WHAT are you thinking about, what are you trying to block out? I’m getting to the point where I’m fed up of trying to figure it out, trying to second guess everything he says and does. I just want us to be NORMAL!

THEN there’s that fucking paranoia. The lack of therapy…’hes lying’…’hes acting’…the porn!  Last time it had taken over a little too much I was sent a link by Mocha (check him out btw) to an eBook about positive thinking…I read it in an afternoon, I enjoyed it and it made sense.

‘A particular train of thought persisted in, be it good or bad, cannot fail to produce its results on the character and circumstances. A man cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances.’
‘Self-control is strength; Right Thought is mastery; Calmness is power.’

I.e. Good thoughts = good things

But how CAN I always think good thoughts when the reality isn’t always good? Or when the thoughts are of the negative actions of someone else? -i.e. my husband. I’m struggling to find the balance…I mean I’m all for positive thinking and positive energy but it cant stop someone else from screwing you over and it cant change what’s happened can it? Pushing your gut feelings away and forcing good thoughts…ignoring your instincts despite past experience…making yourself believe good things when things are shitty…isn’t that denial? isn’t that unrealistic?

We both had the afternoon off together and he wanted to show me a few videos of a game show he used to watch but I had never heard of. I was on the laptop when he remembered the name of it and with that he whipped out his Xbox controller and got the video up online using that!….I had forgotten that internet explorer and youtube existed on his xbox… (stupid) so THAT raised the anxiety up a few levels but how am I meant to then keep thinking good thoughts knowing that’s there…unlimited…unblocked…while I’m out at work in the evenings.

How am I meant to stop thinking about the fact that porn is actually everywhere?…accessible everywhere…anytime…anyplace… even in a power cut there are still magazines…even in bed with me he has his images. There’s no end to it.

How do I stop wondering whether or not he will break the little bit of trust we have built back – and my heart- all over again by logging on and getting off?

How can I stop the thoughts that he’s still doing it regularly behind my back…because I don’t understand how else he would be doing so well without it?

How can I stop the thoughts that the past has taught me to have? The thoughts that are there to protect me from getting so hurt IF it happens again? He’s shown me that he can easily hide it from me, he’s shown me how naive I’ve been for not suspecting a thing…  he’s shown me how he can lie to my face every single day for over a year! How can I turn that into a positive?

How can I stay positive knowing that I do NOT trust my own husband to respect me enough to refrain from doing it? <– THAT hurts!

I cant stand it…it makes me panic, it makes me feel sick it puts me on edge to the point of breaking. I’ve just told him (through tears) that if he hurts me (porn/secrets) one more time I WILL be gone. I wont WANT to …but I NEED to and I WILL walk away. I can not take any more hurt. I told him I didn’t know what was real anymore and that it scares me. He held me tight for a long time and told me that it wont happen, he’s not going to hurt me and he is being himself with me… no major acting (aside from the usual that we all do i.e. ‘I’m fine’ when he’s actually pissed off and tired from work etc) and no more lies. I’m forcing myself – willing myself to believe him…what more can I do? Right now all I am hanging on to is hope…and my positive genuines:

  • He is work-free, paid and booked in with his therapist this weekend so something will be progressing after that and hopefully it will take the edge off for me
  • Today I managed to tell him something which was hard for me to say (the above) and it felt better knowing that he understands where I am at with all of this and reaffirming the consequences
  • We are going on a date this weekend which will give us a chance to dress up, get out and just enjoy each others company

‘Time heals almost everything…give the time some time’



Posted by on June 1, 2013 in Uncategorized


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Hearts and Daggers

love graffiti

love graffiti (Photo credit: marc e marc)

Funnily enough last week when reading up on the ego states (mentioned in this post) I stumbled across some relating stuff about “strokes”

‘Strokes are the recognition, attention or responsiveness that one person gives another. Strokes can be positive (nicknamed “warm fuzzies”) or negative (“cold pricklies”). A key idea is that people hunger for recognition, and that lacking positive strokes, will seek whatever kind they can, even if it is recognition of a negative kind. We test out as children what strategies and behaviours seem to get us strokes, of whatever kind we can get.’

Basically positive reinforcements … Ego strokes. I realised that with the positive, genuine, good things I have been asking my husband for (like in this post) I have inadvertently been requesting strokes from him for my own benefit whilst hoping that by him focusing on the good he will start to feel good too…thus creating a dominoes effect on the both of us…win win really.

Feeling silly I found my husband and (hilariously) put my new found knowledge into practice by literally stroking him – like a puppy and kissing him. Unsurprisingly he asked what I was doing to which I said “giving you strokes” before laughing and reconsidering my approach.

I realised that it’s like in the computer game “Sims“. You control your character – or “sim”- in a world you create. Each sim has a friendship meter and mood meter (among other things) and as you interact – these bars move depending on their connection with others.You can select options for your sim to act out when interacting with others. I.e. “flirt”, “tell joke”, “ask about day” in order to build friendships but it’s not always that simple.

After each interaction the receiving sim will react – like reality- with either a green plus sign (i.e. +10 friend points) and a smiley face OR – if they’re turned of by it -with a red minus sign (- 10 friend points) and a sad/angry face… And your sims mood will mirror it. There are extremes to the point meter too, when in love red hearts flash above their head after a positive action while red daggers (or possibly lightning) will flash if you’ve REALLY pissed them off. It’s a long and slow process (unless you use the cheats like I do) but its funny to watch the other sims reactions when you make your sim come on to them within 5 minutes of introductions.

As the friendship points increase, so does the mood meter and it worked both ways. It was nearly impossible to start a friendship with a miserable sim… Unless you wanted to go away with a sworn enemy. Like in real life, over time if your sim hasn’t seen their friend the relationship or friendship meter would drop so every now and then you would call your mate or hang out or SOMETHING to keep the meters up.

Anyway, I used to play this game (I know i know its sad) and it would always remind me that I needed to do the same, call up friends, send the odd text… Make everyone happy. I used to call it damage control. Now that I’ve moved and established that the real friends I have don’t require “damage control” because they’re mature enough to know that we don’t need to check in every day… Or every week even to class each other as friends… The previous lessons I had learnt from sims seemed redundant… Until now.

My husband used to really get into it when i played so he understood the reference when he asked me to explain what I was doing the following night and I said… Strokes are like the positive actions you would choose for your sim to do to another. You would make them hug and the other sim would feel good (+10 – I made a plus sign with my hands) and your sim would feel good (+10) in return. It built relationships, it took time and you had to keep doing it every now and then in order to keep the moods and relationships strong. Its important to keep both sims meters high so both are happy…or in this case happy AND in love with the flashy hearts above their heads (I tried to mimic this with my hands which ended up being named ‘the crabs’) otherwise the relationships dwindle and the sims get miserable.

He liked my explanation and hugged me again (+10 LOVEHEARTS) and then laughed at my ‘crabs’ (-10 SADFACE)… so I poked his bum (-10 DAGGERS!!) (HAPPYFACE for me 😉 )
This (the +/- etc) went on for about 2 days and it was definitely fun while it lasted; although we aren’t doing the hand signals anymore I think we both think them and regardless, he’s taken my point on board 😉



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The Three Cs

Codependency: The Game

Codependency: The Game (Photo credit: jasonEscapist)

I saw my counsellor straight after porn-gate an he told me to look up co-dependency, he told me about support groups and the three Cs:
I didn’t CAUSE this
I can’t CURE this
I can’t CHANGE this
It sounded empowering but then he began asking about my upbringing, whether anything in my current situation – i.e. wanting to fix someone or ‘desperate’ for someone to love me – was similar to that of my past.

I’ve already told him I had daddy issues, I think most of us do to some extent; I’ve also always had strained relationships with my mum and sister, both very highly strung and judgemental… and thinking back – yes I’ve felt like this before- the difference being that I distanced myself, I accepted it and after years and years of heartache I let them get on with it and found my own happiness. In essence I got over it… Or so I thought.

I always thought the term co-dependent simply referred to the partner of someone with issues. But on further inspection I discover that that’s not what it means at all:

Co-dependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.People who are co-dependent often take on the role of martyr; they constantly put others’ needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are “needed”; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Co-dependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, co-dependent people also tend to set themselves up as the “victim”. When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.’

Reading up on co-dependency it would suggest that I didn’t get over those issues from my past, those past feelings are the reason I’m still in the relationship I am in, they’re the reason I’m still hanging on… because I am (apparently) co-dependent.


Codependency (Photo credit: Edmund White)

But I don’t necessarily agree with it and now – surprise surprise- I’m confused. Surely there’s a really thin line between placing other peoples needs above my own and simply understanding that its not all about me? Understanding that my husband NEEDS help and that neither of us will be entirely happy until he’s making progress…until we are making progress? Isn’t that part of a relationship? Teamwork? Taking care of each other and stepping up when the other needs a little more support?

I’m a logical person -and a massively emotional one yes but I always think things through so when it comes to my husband I know that I cant be moping around the house crying every day and being angry with him because for one it wont help anything and secondly I have read up on it and had enough other input to UNDERSTAND that he’s just as confused as I am about it all.

That doesn’t mean to say I DON’T cry and get angry sometimes because I do and the only reason I feel guilty after is because I’ve exploded and said things I didn’t mean to say or in a way that could have undone everything. After a breather – yes I will often apologise for saying the harsh stuff but doesn’t everyone after an argument? – But I will go back in there and talk about everything, or say everything that needs to be said…in essence I stick up for myself…and I don’t feel guilty for doing that.

Also, I honestly feel that I do not play the role of the martyr; I’m logical enough to know when enough is enough, to know when to walk away and though my emotions may hate me for it I do it, I have done it and I will do it again…but right now we are 4 therapy sessions in and I don’t think that’s long enough to see real changes. There’s a difference between ‘making excuses’ and putting things into perspective. There’s also a difference between crying ‘why me??’ and crying ‘why is this happening? -period’. Oh and as for being alone…or being needed…I love being on my own, I lived alone for years and I would do it again in a heartbeat…I would love to have no responsibilities again…so that’s a bunch of bollocks in my case anyway.

you're too nice

you’re too nice (Photo credit: the|G|™)

Some aspects however I do agree with, I do put others needs before myself; its something I have always done and yes I need to figure out a balance. It was only the other day I read a book which put it into perspective saying something like put yourself before others, without hurting anyone else and put others before yourself without damaging yourself…Ill have to find the actual quote cause my version is shit lol but it clicked with me. It IS something I need to work on but again there’s a fine line between being caring and being too caring I suppose.

So…out of all of this the thing that has stayed with me the most is those three Cs. They’re true, I did not cause this, I can not cure him and I can not change him…but I can be here to support him and to show him what love is. (btw I cannot stress enough that its not just us 2 sat around being awkward all the time we do have fun, we laugh, we do things together and cuddle up etc…I AM getting some physical and emotional stuff in return…just thought I’d add that in)

For me, I need to think of some emotional goals (It IS Motivation Monday after all):

  • Find something for me, something to take my mind off of it, to let go in a way and distract myself a little (without giving me a false sense of security) -hopefully this job will come through and there’s that one sorted lol.
  • I need to stop this from taking over my life completely – So far (I know a lot of you will be cheering at this one after THIS post….) I have STOPPED asking/talking about wanking. I haven’t asked or said it in 6 days now…be proud…if only there was a blog counter- ‘days since…000006’ I have also stopped hiding the laptop – I hate it but I need to get myself out of that habit – besides the porn filter is still on there so…
  • Keep up with my blogging – my support network and my outlet and maybe look up some support groups nearby

Right now, I have a whole load of blogging and housework and emails to catch up on so…Happy Monday


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Unconditional love? What is it?


unconditional. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism, complete love, or “mother’s/father’s love.” Each area of expertise has a certain way of describing unconditional love, but most will agree that it is that type of love which has no bounds and is unchanging. It is a concept comparable to true love, a term which is more frequently used to describe love between lovers. By contrast, unconditional love is frequently used to describe love between family members, comrades in arms and between others in highly committed relationships. An example of this is a parent’s love for their child; no matter a test score, a life changing decision, an argument, or a strong belief, the amount of love that remains between this bond is seen as unchanging and unconditional.’

I always say that I love my husband unconditionally…but do i?

After a conversation (or 2) in which a friend asked whether I worried that he was going to do this all over again…if in a year or 2 he turned around and told me that all this ‘progress’ was bullshit…

I got thinking…what if? But what’s the point in what ifs? Like i told her…I worry about that happening every single day but I cant live focusing on that. I just have to trust that it wont happen…I mean…what else can I do?

So I spoke to my husband… I asked him to please PLEASE tell me if -in a year say- nothing had changed, if the therapy had had no affect on him whatsoever…if there wasn’t even the tiniest change…to tell me, to call quits…because the idea of this worry becoming a reality absolutely petrifies me and honestly, if it did happen I don’t think I could cope.

He agreed, he said it was fair enough and after that we actually had a really great week. We were more relaxed, we were ourselves (as far as i know) and we had fun…it was like a weight had been lifted and we bonded again. Maybe the idea of a time limit; the reminder that i will NOT stick around forever in a completely loveless marriage brought to light the seriousness of the matter. We got it out, we spoke about it and in some ways it gave us a reason to put in a little more effort, to delve deeper and to try harder.

But that’s not unconditional love on my part is it? That’s me putting yet another IF on it, adding another rule… I’ll love you IF you get help; I’ll love you IF you stop lying…I’ll love you IF something changes within x amount of time….

Or am i missing the point? Is unconditional love the idea that even if he didn’t do any of the above I would still love him…regardless of whether I stayed or left? But then leaving would be giving up wouldn’t it? and that would mean giving up on us…giving up on our love…and that’s not unconditional :/

Is it possible to have unconditional love for someone whom isnt related by blood?…I used to think it was…but now I’m not so sure



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We’re going through changes


…change… (Photo credit: ĐāżŦ {mostly absent})

Its been hard to say the least. Over the past few weeks I’ve literally been going through the grieving process (posts and pages on that to come) over the death of my former husband. It sounds silly…it sounds extreme…but its how I feel. When he told me that our entire relationship had been a lie it was literally like he had died…we had died…I had to mourn our relationship because our marriage as I know it is dead. Yes we are still together, we are trying to work through it but life as we knew it will never be the same again.

He’s been trying; trying to be honest, to be himself and trying to keep me happy too. He almost humours me in a way, its like he is weaning me off the old him and introducing me to the new one. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to do that but at the same time I think too many changes at once would kill me…and he knows that. The hardest one is not hearing ‘I love you’ anymore.

It stopped on the night he left and it didn’t come back when he did…that hurts. What makes it hard is that I’ve stopped saying it as much to him too – because I don’t want him to feel pressured to say it back…but then if I stop saying it I feel wrong. I feel like part of my everyday life is missing…part of my marriage is missing and I don’t want him to think that I don’t love him..because of course I do! I wouldn’t still be here otherwise.

One night after he returned he said it to me, ok so it was post orgasm on his part so I took it with a pinch of salt but hearing it and seeing his reaction when he realised he had said it through habit was a real kick in the gut. We talked about it briefly and moved on. A few nights later while chilling out together he looked at me sincerely and said ‘I love you’! I tried not to react, I tried to not instantly blush, I tried not to glare at him but I noticed him curse himself too and it was then that he told me that he missed saying it to me. He had to break the habit though, so we turned it into something different, we made a joke of it and said ‘I love you’ now means something completely different…something like ‘I enjoy your company’ or ‘I appreciate you’.

I’ve had to do that with a lot of things, I’ve had to make them funny or I just wouldn’t survive. I don’t mean I take the piss out of him but we banter about our issues, we make light of the situation and its what sees me through it. Like they say ‘you have to laugh or you’d cry’.

In the last week he hasn’t slipped up with it at all, and that’s upsetting. Its good that he’s being honest but it made me think that it meant he no longer missed saying it to me and that it was that easy for him to move past it. Apparently that’s not the case though, he still misses it; he’s just trying his hardest to do what’s right and to be true to me.

Despite not telling me anymore, he’s still being affectionate, he still comes home from work and kisses and cuddles me every evening, we are still laughing together and still doing what we used to do but there’s a definite barrier there -from both of us, which is understandable. I’m living off hope at the moment, hope and tiny little positives either new things that happen or that simply things that haven’t changed…yet.



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