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It’s been one year….

20130318-121902-AM.jpgIt’s been a year since the shit hit the fan…. so it seems only fitting that I write a post.

I feel I owe it to myself to revisit this blog -to face my demons- but also to anyone still out there wondering ‘what ever happened to Beth?’ so…here I am…and this is what happened

In July we had our first wedding anniversary…I had been anxious about it but we celebrated by burning some bad memories – those in the form of diary entries, letters which held dark confessions and even photos or ‘happy book’ pages which made me feel sick looking back on. Not because the times themselves were bad…but once you find out that most of your relationship has been a lie things kind of take a sour turn.

We took our burn-iversary as a fresh start; a chance to put as many of those bad feelings as we could behind us and instead focus on moving forward…on how to make things better and how to make new…REAL…memories. At the time I was still feeling uneasy, emotions were up and down constantly; some days all I could think about was what he had done whereas others it didn’t even cross my mind.

It was during one of these ‘up’ streaks that we had news from his work that we would have to leave for America….in September! As you can imagine my heart was in my stomach. I had given our marriage one year from THAT day to figure out whether I stayed or we went our separate ways…now I had a matter of weeks to make up my mind!?

One thing that kept nagging me was this gut-wrenching feeling whenever I considered NOT going with him. By this time I was past any “what would people think?” “what would I tell my mother?” crap and had learnt to focus on what I wanted and not what society would find alarming. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to try…but there was so much to do, so much upheaval… this was an international move…I would need a visa…I had loose ends to tie up…I would have to quit the job I loved….

Shit Happens - By ComfortablyNumb

Shit Happens – By ComfortablyNumb

I chewed it over and over -AND OVER…I spoke to my best friend – the only person (offline) who knows EVERYTHING about our situation- and she reminded me that I could always come home if shit went wrong again. Eventually I told my dad and my step-dad about my doubts, hinting that things weren’t peachy between us; I spoke to a good friend from the blogging world…they all said the same… “you can always come home” and “you would regret NOT giving it a go”

So…I went.

Through a series of events with work, visa applications and an unrelated court case the moving date was postponed for a month here and another month there -It was stressful to say the least but we got here in the end and so far I am NOT regretting it.

HOWEVER…(did you see that one coming?) with everything going on with the move the therapy, counseling and everything that goes with it has been put on the back burner. It’s not that we are ignoring the fact that we need to carry on working on things – believe me he made sure I knew that he WILL keep seeing someone and I made sure HE knew that if he didn’t I would have his balls in a vice-it’s just that with any move its stressful and expensive so we have to wait until it’s more feasible to go (and keep going) to sessions in order to make them count.

That being said… I’m bloody dreading it. Its been so nice NOT having to think about shit for a few months. The move has pushed us together and grounded my feelings for him; the stresses of everything have taught us to work together and communicate more than we ever did – I mean yeah there’s still that mars/Venus divide but as far as US as a couple we are much stronger – at least as far as I’m concerned. I suppose I’m finding the idea of going from pretend-ignorant-bliss back to shock-horror-here’s-another-bombshell rather unsettling…but who wouldn’t? As for ‘deeper’ progress there have been a few small victories for us…though reading this back they’re actually rather big.

yeah right lol

yeah right lol

Before we left England he had started feeling more physically (in the bedroom) but it was still rare. Now, however it’s probably 90% of the time. The sensation doesn’t last long but the fact that the frequency has increased massively means we must be doing something right (yay us!) This is a massive confidence boost for me, I don’t feel as rushed to ‘get it over with before he starts yawning’ and I can sometimes tell when it’s happening for him. We did have a type of code but that always reminded us of the ‘issue’ so now we just roll with it and see what happens.

We are a little more spontaneous with it, definitely more passionate/romantic and generally more relaxed…more loving. It’s like we are both actually present…we make eye contact…more kissing…I don’t feel like a hooker! Of course some days it all hits me again that this isn’t a ‘normal’ sex life and that for most couples it’s a lot ‘easier’ for them…but then I remind myself that it’s OURS, it’s working for us…and at least I don’t have a problem with a partner who is done in a few minutes ha ha (sorry but I have to laugh)

Out of the bedroom he is more caring too; he now has a phone and actually texts me during the daytime which has made such a big difference. He leaves notes for me sometimes when he heads off to work and he picks up a little something now and again if he stops off to get petrol or whatever on his way home. He told me a few months ago during a heart to heart that he now genuinely likes cuddles and missed the ones I used to give him; he had started feeling ‘less loved’ by me than before and cared enough -or felt enough- to actually say something about it (I had started blocking myself without realising.) He was honest enough to tell me things that he knew I wouldn’t like hearing -rather than lying to keep me happy) and said openly that he still needed to work some things out with a professional..

I still have issues with porn…like I said…who wouldn’t after everything? I have some filters set up on his phone and on the computer (with his permission – nothing sneaky) but we both agree that neither of us are ready for them to be removed – again not something I LIKED hearing but at least he was honest about it. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t deleted this blog, I don’t like that I WILL be posting on here more frequently once the therapy starts…but its the truth and I have to face it. I still have days where I remember that we do have a lot of work to do (and he agrees) and it hurts like hell but at least we realize this and aren’t just sweeping it under the carpet for good.

Yes there is a LOT of work to be done but we both know that and WILL get back into the swing of it once we are settled with everything else. For now…I am happy that we are making progress on our own. The bottom line in all of this? I’m glad I came with him, I’m glad I gave it a shot and I’m certain I want to keep working on it.

I am so sorry for dropping off the face of the…blogging-world. I have missed you guys, but I can’t lie I’m not looking forward to being back…I will be back though, just not yet.

xBx

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Posted by on February 25, 2014 in The Present -How things are

 

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Isn’t it Ironic? Wish you were here

“Wish You Were Here”

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

The second time I met my husband was a month after our first meeting, we had spent the time in between talking constantly, texting, messaging, skyping, calling…getting to know each other inside out. we fell in love during those conversations – without actually saying it- we missed each other terribly and couldn’t wait to see each other again…so understandably the next time we met we were both anxious about whether our feelings would grow on a physical level too. They did, we spent the night with friends, meeting people, having fun; we were finally able to touch each other, to hold each other…. That night was amazing but of course before we knew it it was time to part ways again for another few weeks.

A friend of ours was strumming away on his guitar and began to play ‘wish you were here’. he played (and sang) it beautifully. high on emotions the song highlighted that even more and from that point onwards it became our song.

We had it at our wedding ceremony to play us out, I made table decorations from the sheet music, I would listen to it whenever I missed him, he learned to play it on the guitar…I had ‘wish you were here’ engraved on his wedding ring, written on my wedding shoes…the song and that line meant so much to us … but now…when I read/hear the lyrics they take a different meaning.

Wish YOU were here… I do! I wish HE was here, that person I fell in love with, the person I thought I was marrying…but he’s not and the chances are HE will never be here again…and god that hurts! The lyrics seem to taunt me… so you think you can tell? Can you? Can you tell its all bullshit?? Can you tell the difference between the real me and the mask i wear? can you? really?? …NO! I couldn’t!

‘We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.’

Two lost souls…I think I may change my tagline to that because it sums us up perfectly right now, its what we are – lost. Going round and round, trying to figure this out, trying to find ourselves…trying to find each other

HOPEFULLY it wont be long till we find HIM…the real him and no he won’t be the same, WE wont be the same but I can get to know him, I can fall in love with him all over again; I cant wait for that to happen, I cant wait to be with him again and I am positive about the future… but some days this dull, nagging ache in my heart just wont leave and I realise its because I just miss us too much…I miss HIM too much; I wish HE was here :/

xBx

 
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Posted by on June 14, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?

 

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I let the cat out of the bag….kind of

cat's tail out from the bag

cat’s tail out from the bag (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m such a dick sometimes… I’ve really gone and done it. Part of me is relieved but the rest is just angry at myself, I feel like I’ve meddled in something that isn’t my business and I don’t know what will happen next…. I know its probably because we are seeing his therapist this evening and I’m shitting myself about it so subconsciously I’m preparing myself for the worst…I’m trying to cover my arse by finding out as much as I can, I’m trying to avoid any unwelcome surprises that the last experience with my husband and a professional has taught me to expect…. but still…I spoke to his mother…my husbands mother…my mother in law….about my husbands past.

It started off innocently enough, my new job, moving, making friends etc and the conversation naturally moved to bullies,not-so-nice humans in general, pasts etc I saw my chance…so I took it, I asked questions.She told me he had always been shy, and kept himself to himself, he was bullied but it seemed to get better. There was friction at home, she steered clear of the drugs and left his father; He and his dad were not close, one time he was kidnapped by his dad for 24 hours…whilst on drugs and taken to his home – where he was living with his drug dealer and other people…

I reassured her and asked about the kidnapping, where he was taken…’ I don’t know much about hard drugs but from what I’ve seen on TV and heard from people who do it comes with a lot of bad stuff god only knows what he witnessed that day, I wonder if he remembers it but either way it’s not worth thinking about what could have happened had he stayed there…’

I could have stopped there… I should have… but I didn’t. There were so many continuations and chances for elaborating right there in front of me that not only did it feel quite natural for us to carry on delving…I mean this is my husband after all…don’t most spouses know more about their partners past?…so I did it…I asked about physical abuse… ‘He mentioned a relative being hard on him but its blurry and he’s almost convinced it was a dream so I guess it must have been….again I’m not asking for any reason other than the fact that he doesn’t remember ANYTHING – almost like he’s blocked it out or something I don’t know, maybe everything you mentioned was enough to do that on its own.’

She told me that one day her daughter (hubbys sister) had told her about this family friend being hard on her, The kids never went back and its very possible that they did the same to my husband….its probably not a dream. It then dawned on me that she really hadn’t realised until know what had happened….shit! I tried to reassure her…maybe it was just a different type of discipline to what they were used to, kids are so literal maybe he remembers but didn’t understand it at the time? -I don’t believe this for a second….SOMETHING happened…but I wanted to try to undo what I had already done :/ But she stopped me, she told me she was sure it was worse, that she had asked him before but he had never told her, that she should have known back then, she should have stopped it…

I apologised for bringing it up and again tried to ease her worries…’if it makes you feel any better he doesn’t remember much – and what he does is very hazy which could be a blessing. BUT the thing that worries me is that perhaps he’s blocked out more of it- maybe that’s why he “cant remember” but surely those memories will surface one day and I don’t think any of us know what to expect if and when they do….’  I reassured her that he’s not a nasty person, he’s not violent and hasn’t brought any of that stuff – whatever that stuff is- forward with him, I tried again to calm the conversation…’I think it’s more the self worth that’s been affected (hubbys) so maybe that’s why or where that comes from Please don’t feel bad it wasn’t your fault and I’m sorry for bringing it up I really am’

By this point I felt like a real bitch…I’ve not only dug up stuff my husband may not want to dig up now but I’ve dug it up for his mum too. She told me he had always had a hard time with self worth, with everything that happened at home, (the relative) & with his dad not showing any concern his self worth is low… ‘I hope & pray with time that it gets better. A lot of time this comes with age! It will come out— it always does. It will be important to get it out when he’s ready. He can always come to me with anything. Don’t feel bad for being concerned for your husband. That’s what happens when you love someone. You want to help them in any way u can. Thank you for loving my son & wanting to help him !!! Xxx’

I answered some questions and explained that for me some things have seemed odd and I don’t like wondering, I’d rather ask the questions and figure out the rest when I know all the facts -On top of that I’m just curious about people’s backgrounds – especially ones I’m married to lol. I said I didn’t think he was ready to talk yet but was trying to understand more and prepare myself so I -we now- could support him whenever he was ready…and I apologised again. I thought that was it…I figured I had turned it round and made the talk a good one….and then she wrote again saying I was right, we needed to be on the same page with this and asked what it was specifically that made me wonder in the first place…just the fact that he couldn’t remember stuff or….?

*face palm*

I walked straight into that…going on and on about secrecy and being open and then being faced with having to withhold even more info from his mother!…erm shall I give her this link? lol I took a while to reply, I thought about it and I decided not to tell ALL. I feel that I’ve already said enough. Enough to understand a little more, enough to help him, to help us and I wish I could tell her everything but at that moment I had given everything I could without actually telling her ‘he feels nothing…he’s numb….he’s probably got PTSD‘ So I stuck with the curiosity, the lack of memory, piecing together what I did know about his childhood and trying to fill in the blanks.

We ended on a positive note, offering support for each other, thanking each other and sending love…But I know its not over, I know she will mention it (without meaning to) one way or another when they next talk…I know he will know… So what do I do? Do I tell him first? Do I tell him at therapy so we can all talk about it together?
I learned so much about him today…and I don’t believe he knows -or remembers- most of it either… you learn something new everyday
xBx

 
 

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#11 Remember the time…

Making Memories of Us

Making Memories of Us (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week I wrote about the irony in my favourite song -posted here if you’re interested. (Not the song pictured above)

Whilst writing it my heart broke all over again, the emotions came back and the tears flowed. My husband was in the shower at the time and although I had composed myself/wiped my face by the time he came back my eyes were watery and it was obvious something was wrong.

Him: Why are you sad?
Me:  *shrugged and shook my head* It doesn’t matter
Him: Well it does, what is it?
Me:  I was just thinking about stuff
Him: What stuff was it?
Me: Nothing worth thinking about babe honestly … Nothing good anyways :/
Him: (Therapy techniques kicking in) What can I do to change that?
Me: It’s past stuff so can’t be changed
Him: …

…But we ARE changing it 🙂

Touché

Reading this back I realise how difficult I’m coming across lol but sometimes it IS difficult with things like that because i want to tell him everything and share everything with him but at the same time i don’t see the point in opening old wounds for both of us and almost reminding him of how much he has hurt me. I mean he knows how I feel about the song now but maybe not in detail – he knows the basics though.

Its like when you reminisce about good times with someone every now and then; a thought of a good time pops into your head and you tell that person and it makes you both feel good at the memory of it…‘oh remember that time we went on that really romantic trip to Paris and we ate crepes off a prostitute and shagged in a 5star hotel…’ but should i be sharing my bad memories with him every time i have them? ‘remember that time we got married and it turned out you didn’t actually feel anything for me…’ ‘remember that time i caught you watching porn…’ ‘remember the time you ruined my favourite song on earth?’

Is it part of the healing? is it helpful to both of us rather than just me?

Back to being positive… ‘we ARE changing it‘. Without even knowing the context he’s right…we ARE changing things, obviously you cant change the past but you can learn from it; you can take steps to change yourself and your future…and that’s what WE are doing. (slowly)

I hope that one day I can listen to that song and hear a completely new meaning. I hope that one day that one line will make me smile thinking about the journey WE have been on and thinking back to how much WE have overcome…together.

xBx

 
8 Comments

Posted by on May 31, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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To any followers of my old blog…

Padlock.

Padlock. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Just a quickie….(always makes me giggle)

I changed my old blog to ‘private’ recently; I figured it isn’t worth having open to new followers etc as I don’t go on there anymore AND I also thought I should probably cover my arse as there are a few things on there (unsent letters etc) that could do without being revealed or dug up in the future.

Could someone please tell me whether you -as a follower- can still view the blog in question or not.

I wasn’t sure whether it became private to everyone or whether people who follow me/I follow can still see it and its only newbies who cant…etc etc

I don’t want to delete it as I MIGHT revisit it one day and start it back up or just keep it to look back at myself etc.

Thanks in advance

xBx

 
14 Comments

Posted by on May 28, 2013 in Under construction

 

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#9 I’m glad you stayed

‘I’m glad you stayed’

Question Mark Graffiti

Question Mark Graffiti (Photo credit: Bilal Kamoon)

Those questions from THOSE arguments (here) and (here) kept niggling me…what is it that he thinks about while with me? What could be so bad  (according to him) that he wouldn’t tell me? What IS his secret?

I sat down with him, nervous and told him there was something I needed to ask him…one question -possibly 2 depending on his answer.He asked if- seeing as it was obviously going to be something he doesn’t want to talk about – it could be a yes or no answer. I said no…but it could be multiple choice. So I asked…

Is this ‘thing’…this bad thing…is it something you have done? Something someone did to you? Or something you witnessed happening?…He said none of the above.

I tried to question more but he answered with overly vague replies, so, with my mind blown I shut down. I could not take any more cryptic clues, I couldn’t pretend I was ok with not knowing anymore and I couldn’t continue to try and piece together the puzzle. With that I told him I was going to bed.

He asked why…because I wont tell you something that I’m not ready to talk about?

I shouldn’t have…but I exploded…
‘NO because I physically, mentally and emotionally can not take anymore, I do not have the energy to try to work this out, to try to understand something I’m clearly not going to know. I can not wonder anymore, I have no way of preparing myself for yet another bombshell which I KNOW is coming and its literally driving me crazy. I’m sorry, I understand that its hard for you but I DO need to know this ‘thing’ at some point, I’m not demanding to know right now but I DO need to know eventually…otherwise I cant stay with you.
I’m sorry but I just cant, I mean what is it that you think will happen if you tell? Do you think I will leave you? (maybe) do you think you’ll go to prison? (no) (phew) do you think you’ll be sectioned?? (possibly)
The chances are you WONT be sectioned IF you get help, IF you start talking to your therapist…HONESTLY….
You have all these people who love you, who want to help you and you wont let them do that. You need to help YOURSELF or this ‘thing’ will take over your life even more than it already has, you WILL be alone because you will push everyone away who gives a shit and you will let this thing WIN! Do NOT let it win!! Fucking fight it!

shout

shout (Photo credit: Krista Baltroka)

By this point -as you can probably tell by the capitals I was shouting…and god it felt good…but then he spoke…

He said he understood that I would need to know, that I SHOULD know but that he has never had anyone to talk to about this stuff before and he is learning to talk about it with the help of his therapist. She is helping him open up one step at a time, it would take time but he wants to get to the point where he can overcome whatever ’it’ is, where he can understand himself and where he can be open with me….

For him that is a really good response. Usually he would have just walked away and given me space to calm down but he actually stuck up for himself, listened to me and responded in a way which showed that he realised the positives of going to therapy. He ‘gets’ that its necessary, he understands the point of it and he’s obviously taken in what she’s been saying in session. However, still in explosive mode I shot back ‘GOOD! It will be nice when you realise you CAN talk to me…your WIFE…the one you TRICKED INTO MARRYING YOU!!’

*ouch*

Even HE -the one who feels nothing- looked hurt :/ With that I went out for a breather and let it all sink in.
Shit…Well done Beth! Talk about risking undoing everything by not thinking before you shout!

I went back in. I apologised for saying the harsh stuff, explained that I could have worded it much better BUT its frustrating as fuck and I just want to help him. We cuddled up and of course considering the effect his cuddles usually have on me (see previous post here) I softened and allowed the tears of frustration to flow while he stroked my hair (wanker)

I told him that whatever IT was….it wouldn’t make me love him any less, it doesn’t necessarily mean ill stay regardless but whatever it was has happened, it cant be changed, but it doesn’t have to rule his life anymore.

He squeezed me and said ‘I’m glad you stayed, I’m glad you didn’t go to bed and I’m glad you told me that’ I was glad too…

xBx

 
16 Comments

Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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