It’s been one year….

It’s been a year since the shit hit the fan…. so it seems only fitting that I write a post.

I feel I owe it to myself to revisit this blog -to face my demons- but also to anyone still out there wondering ‘what ever happened to Beth?’ so…here I am…and this is what happened

In July we had our first wedding anniversary…I had been anxious about it but we celebrated by burning some bad memories – those in the form of diary entries, letters which held dark confessions and even photos or ‘happy book’ pages which made me feel sick looking back on. Not because the times themselves were bad…but once you find out that most of your relationship has been a lie things kind of take a sour turn.

We took our burn-iversary as a fresh start; a chance to put as many of those bad feelings as we could behind us and instead focus on moving forward…on how to make things better and how to make new…REAL…memories. At the time I was still feeling uneasy, emotions were up and down constantly; some days all I could think about was what he had done whereas others it didn’t even cross my mind.

It was during one of these ‘up’ streaks that we had news from his work that we would have to leave for America….in September! As you can imagine my heart was in my stomach. I had given our marriage one year from THAT day to figure out whether I stayed or we went our separate ways…now I had a matter of weeks to make up my mind!?

One thing that kept nagging me was this gut-wrenching feeling whenever I considered NOT going with him. By this time I was past any “what would people think?” “what would I tell my mother?” crap and had learnt to focus on what I wanted and not what society would find alarming. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to try…but there was so much to do, so much upheaval… this was an international move…I would need a visa…I had loose ends to tie up…I would have to quit the job I loved….

Shit Happens – By ComfortablyNumb

I chewed it over and over -AND OVER…I spoke to my best friend – the only person (offline) who knows EVERYTHING about our situation- and she reminded me that I could always come home if shit went wrong again. Eventually I told my dad and my step-dad about my doubts, hinting that things weren’t peachy between us; I spoke to a good friend from the blogging world…they all said the same… “you can always come home” and “you would regret NOT giving it a go”

So…I went.

Through a series of events with work, visa applications and an unrelated court case the moving date was postponed for a month here and another month there -It was stressful to say the least but we got here in the end and so far I am NOT regretting it.

HOWEVER…(did you see that one coming?) with everything going on with the move the therapy, counseling and everything that goes with it has been put on the back burner. It’s not that we are ignoring the fact that we need to carry on working on things – believe me he made sure I knew that he WILL keep seeing someone and I made sure HE knew that if he didn’t I would have his balls in a vice-it’s just that with any move its stressful and expensive so we have to wait until it’s more feasible to go (and keep going) to sessions in order to make them count.

That being said… I’m bloody dreading it. Its been so nice NOT having to think about shit for a few months. The move has pushed us together and grounded my feelings for him; the stresses of everything have taught us to work together and communicate more than we ever did – I mean yeah there’s still that mars/Venus divide but as far as US as a couple we are much stronger – at least as far as I’m concerned. I suppose I’m finding the idea of going from pretend-ignorant-bliss back to shock-horror-here’s-another-bombshell rather unsettling…but who wouldn’t? As for ‘deeper’ progress there have been a few small victories for us…though reading this back they’re actually rather big.

yeah right lol

Before we left England he had started feeling more physically (in the bedroom) but it was still rare. Now, however it’s probably 90% of the time. The sensation doesn’t last long but the fact that the frequency has increased massively means we must be doing something right (yay us!) This is a massive confidence boost for me, I don’t feel as rushed to ‘get it over with before he starts yawning’ and I can sometimes tell when it’s happening for him. We did have a type of code but that always reminded us of the ‘issue’ so now we just roll with it and see what happens.

We are a little more spontaneous with it, definitely more passionate/romantic and generally more relaxed…more loving. It’s like we are both actually present…we make eye contact…more kissing…I don’t feel like a hooker! Of course some days it all hits me again that this isn’t a ‘normal’ sex life and that for most couples it’s a lot ‘easier’ for them…but then I remind myself that it’s OURS, it’s working for us…and at least I don’t have a problem with a partner who is done in a few minutes ha ha (sorry but I have to laugh)

Out of the bedroom he is more caring too; he now has a phone and actually texts me during the daytime which has made such a big difference. He leaves notes for me sometimes when he heads off to work and he picks up a little something now and again if he stops off to get petrol or whatever on his way home. He told me a few months ago during a heart to heart that he now genuinely likes cuddles and missed the ones I used to give him; he had started feeling ‘less loved’ by me than before and cared enough -or felt enough- to actually say something about it (I had started blocking myself without realising.) He was honest enough to tell me things that he knew I wouldn’t like hearing -rather than lying to keep me happy) and said openly that he still needed to work some things out with a professional..

I still have issues with porn…like I said…who wouldn’t after everything? I have some filters set up on his phone and on the computer (with his permission – nothing sneaky) but we both agree that neither of us are ready for them to be removed – again not something I LIKED hearing but at least he was honest about it. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t deleted this blog, I don’t like that I WILL be posting on here more frequently once the therapy starts…but its the truth and I have to face it. I still have days where I remember that we do have a lot of work to do (and he agrees) and it hurts like hell but at least we realize this and aren’t just sweeping it under the carpet for good.

Yes there is a LOT of work to be done but we both know that and WILL get back into the swing of it once we are settled with everything else. For now…I am happy that we are making progress on our own. The bottom line in all of this? I’m glad I came with him, I’m glad I gave it a shot and I’m certain I want to keep working on it.

I am so sorry for dropping off the face of the…blogging-world. I have missed you guys, but I can’t lie I’m not looking forward to being back…I will be back though, just not yet.

xBx

 

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”

WELCOME TO MY WORLD (Photo credit: FUNKYAH)

He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued

xBx

 

Guest Post – The Other Side of the Glass: The Cave

The next Instalment from our mystery blogger:

cave troll (Photo credit: matthewb)

This is the fourth post in the series The Other Side of the Glass, where I explain in detail what it feels like to live with PTSD. I’m writing this series to give Beth, and anyone else that has a loved one with PTSD, an understanding of what it is like to live without emotions or to be emotionally numb. Each person suffering from PTSD has their own trauma, their own symptoms, and their own circumstances, but I’m just trying to give you a glimpse of what it is like to live with this horrible disorder.

What does it feel like? is the first in the series. If you have not already read that post, it would be best to start at the beginning.

In our first three posts we examined what if physically feels like to lose your emotions, how that alters your daily life, and how damaging it is to your relationships.

So what does a person with PTSD do next? For a man, we go to our caves.

As I mentioned in one of the other posts, men do not like to talk about our problems. We like to go to a nice quiet place and think and come up with solutions. We want to fix what is broken.

Personally, I could see my world was crumbling down around me. My relationship with my ex was obviously destroyed, and I could no longer relate to friends and family around me. Due to the abuse, I was too humiliated and embarrassed to speak about it with anyone. For the two or three people that I did reveal what was happening, I started to avoid them as I could see the pity in their eyes. I quickly grew tired of the, “How are you?” questions. I just wanted to be normal again and since I couldn’t figure out how to be normal, I became more and more secluded.

Even in a group I would isolate myself. I would stand off to the side and not get involved with the conversations that were going on around me. I didn’t want to reveal too much about what was happening behind closed doors. I didn’t want to explain how I missed Monday Night Football because I was being punched in the face by a woman.

There was also a certain level of envy that would creep in. I didn’t want to see all the other couples that were in love. I didn’t want to see all the laughter and happiness. I didn’t want to pretend to laugh, force myself to smile, or feign joy.

Along the way, I discovered that my PTSD had triggers. “Triggers” were certain situations that would cause me to become more “blank” or they would cause The Void to increase within me.

For example, I made the mistake of going to a romantic comedy at one point. As I watched the characters on screen fall in love, I could feel my insides become more and more vacant. Watching them kiss made The Void take over to such an extreme that it physically hurt. To explain what it felt like, I can only liken it to extreme grief. My soul was empty and in pain. I realized I could not watch another love story until I was stronger. The trigger was just too painful.

Stressful situations were also a trigger for me. Beth’s husband may have other triggers, but I would assume a stressful situation would be common among all PTSD sufferers.

Beth may already know that blank stare when her husband shuts down completely. Hopefully she can take notice of what caused it and help him to avoid those triggers.

Because I didn’t want to feel worse, I withdrew into my cave more and more. Because my options of entertainment were limited, I was drawn more and more to gaming and porn.

Xbox 360 buttons (Photo credit: Alfred Hermida)

The ex complained to the therapist about my gaming. The therapist simply explained that I was playing so I didn’t have to think or feel. That made complete sense to me. When I played, I could get lost in my fake world and I didn’t have to think so much. I just acted on what was happening on the screen.

I started to play more and more. I played before work, during work, and after work. I was pleased when I could out-think the other players and I could beat them. It was also a great way to get get out some of my frustrations. My online cave was comfortable to me. I was a good player and others respected me.

There was one other thing in my cave. Masturbation, because it was a physiological level, felt good, so I kept it in my cave.

Let’s face it, men masturbate. It’s what we do. I’ve read that 91% of men masturbate, and the other 9% are pathological liars. We think nothing of it. Depending on our sex drive, we’ll rub our penises wherever and whenever we are inclined. Great sex doesn’t prevent masturbation, it just makes us masturbate more as we think about the great sex we are having!

Masturbation became part of my daily routine. I did it so that for those 15-30 seconds, I could feel GOOD. It was the only time I felt something good. It was the only time I felt ANYTHING. It was the only time I felt pleasure. Of course, it wasn’t emotional, but at the time I didn’t care. I only felt something that was pleasurable and enjoyable and that was a good thing.

The porn watching was just a means to an end. Quite often the porn was boring or gross or was so ridiculous that I hardly found it stimulating. I was just looking for something that would help me achieve the pleasurable part. It was like a needle for a heroin addict. I didn’t care about the needle (porn), I only wanted the high (orgasm).

I read Beth’s posts on her husbands porn watching and masturbation. On the one hand, I have to commend him for being honest with her. For years, I lied and hid all of my porn and masturbation. I denied it up and down when I was questioned about it. I learned to work “the system” and I knew when I could and couldn’t masturbate. I became increasingly adept at hiding the porn. In the end, no one ever found out about it. Ever.

On the other hand, I feel bad for her husband. She is trying to make him stop the one thing that feels good to him. She puts up blocks and barriers and chastises him as a mother would do to her child. She asks him who and what he thinks about when he masturbates! I cannot imagine how emasculating and embarrassing that would be.

Beth, let the man have his time alone in his cave. Let him have his thoughts. Let him have his fifteen seconds. I swear to you that there is no emotional connection to it. He just wants to feel SOMETHING.

I’m sorry that he is broken and he craves those those fifteen seconds of bliss out of the other 86,385 seconds of the day. I’m sorry some of your friends have great breasts or a nice butt, because it is just a means to an end and it means nothing to him. I’m sorry that he looks at porn because it really does nothing to his soul. It is only something for his eyes to focus on so he doesn’t have to think. I’m sorry that it hurts your feelings to know that he wants to do those things alone, and in private.

Maybe you can’t. Maybe there is a reason for your hatred of porn. Maybe your feelings about it are completely justified, I don’t know. All I can tell you is that if you continue to make this a big issue, he will continue to do it, but he will start to hide. Porn is everywhere. If he wants it bad enough, there are a million and one places to find it between your home and the office.

He is a good man. He is just broken. He is in his cave.

But my message is one of hope. I’m here to tell you that he won’t be in his cave forever. I was able to crack the glass case and escape. I will discuss that in my next post and hopefully you can take what I’ve learned and help your husband escape as well.

*****A note from Beth: I know many of you are going to ask about the porn and my opinions of it, I know most will more than likely agree that I should cut him some slack with regards to masturbation and porn and while I would agree- in a situation which wasn’t so messed up as mine- I do not agree in this case but I do apreciate the opinions and I do understand it. Let me first direct you to this post about our porn in our past (here), this one about progress after the revelations (here) and finally my outright opinion of porn in general (here). Now I will share what I replied to our mystery blogger when he emailed me and gave me the heads up that I probably wouldn’t like what I was about to read:

‘I’ve read it and I don’t mind – it’s another opinion And therefore I
welcome it – and thank you again for doing this. It will be posted as
is.
What I will say though is… No lol I’m sorry but I am not
going to encourage him to take the easy way out. I would enjoy sex alot
more with someone whom actually enjoyed it with me, I would prefer a
relationship which wasn’t so one sided but I don’t opt for those, I
stick it out and sacrifice a lot of my own happiness for him – for US
and this is the one thing that not only pushes us further away sexually
but also encourages lying and secrecy. I put up with that for the past
year and I am not going to do it again.

I encourage him to pleasure himself WITH me – the way a loving, committed marriage should be in my eyes and so far that seems to be itching that scratch. He gets to do it himself, I get to be part of that, he gets his release and I get another
day of not worrying about the lies. Does that make any sense? Again, I
get it, I understand it more from his (your) point of view but from our
history it’s crossed the line into borderline addiction and it’s
destroying us… I’m just not prepared to let that happen.’

xBx

Related Articles

• A new perspective: Thinking INSIDE the box (comfortablynumb7.wordpress.com)
• My thoughts on not masturbating (crappershitter.wordpress.com)
• Masturbation three have to know those (patehqv.wordpress.com)
• Sex You Want, Sex You Hate (jdinthemensroom.wordpress.com)
• Remove the bait and reveal the hook… (treadingpaperblog.wordpress.com)
• The problem with porn… (trishinreallife.wordpress.com)
• Abuse in childhood and Post Tramatic Stress Disorder (radianthope01.wordpress.com)
• 5 Amazing Health Benefits Of Masturbation (warning 18+) (dailygistxtra.com)
• women and porn (kuntsrule.wordpress.com)
• 19 amazing man-caves (techi.com)

 

Grab the bull by the P(h)ORN

Watching Porn (Photo credit: WarzauWynn)

I have a confession….I watched porn the other week

*shock horror!*

For anyone who doesn’t know why this is world breaking news or worthy of a post… Well sod off now lol joking come back come back. It’s a long story… Which starts here for those who don’t already know it nut basically I hate porn, I always have and even more so since discovering my husbands “fondness” (dependence) of it.

My counsellor and I discussed this in a session recently and he asked the question which I have been asked many times before… Why? (he agreed there’s some nasty stuff out there etc and that given my current marital situation it’s understandable but…) why do I hate it? What is it that gets me so angry? Even before these issues in my marriage… Even before I met my husband what it is about porn that I don’t like?

It’s the one question guaranteed to upset me, it’s one that for years has made me leave the room when discussions are bought up, the question that always makes me feel like a prude… Like there’s something wrong with me seeing as the majority of people I know are fine with it… Have no problem with it or even watch it. Well I’m not a prude, I DO stuff in the bedroom, I’m open to trying new things… But maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s that in my mind your partner should be enough for you; that I should be enough for my partner… I’ve offered to watch it with my husband before.. With exs… Just to be turned down and then find them sneaking off to watch it alone (makes me sound great doesn’t it(!) ) in my mind I don’t think that porn should be necessary in a loving… Committed relationship.

***All you porn lovers about to jump in… Please remember these are MY views, MY opinions… MY blog. You can defend it all you like but – while appreciating other views etc I get it… I can understand it but that doesn’t mean I will EVER like it or agree with its existence.***

Back to my counsellor- he asked if I had watched any… Not since I was younger but it’s not hard to find really is it? He asked whether I would ever watch any again… Like I said I’ve tried but after being turned down porn now feels like “the other woman” somewhere I just don’t want to go. He asked what my mother thought about porn (trying to figure out the root) … I’ve never discussed porn with my mother.

So… I figured in the name of science… I’d watch some.

I went to a site I know well having added it to every porn blocker in the world… And straight away my stomach turned. GIFs of old women… Girls getting “gang banged” categories (with thumbnails) of “fatties” “pre teen” “cum shots” and a nice advert down the side saying “your wife will never find out” – yes she will!!

I closed the page feeling sick, the deceit… The sneakiness… The lies that I associate with porn *urgh* no wonder guys feel compelled to hide it when its suggested right there that most other men hide it from their significant others too.

I composed myself- deep breath- try again.

French Windows (Photo credit: antonella.beccaria)

I opted for “classic” porn, which I assumed to be typical man and woman… Come to fix your washing machine type porn. In this one a girl (yup she’s hot) is stood by some French windows (lovely house) in a slutty but innocent outfit (needs to stop shopping in the kids department) she looks into the camera whilst doing her thing (basically warming up) and yes I admit it it’s hot. I get it… She’s attractive, she’s got a great body and she’s confident… Then comes the guy who basically walks in and she gets to work and that’s when it gets weird (for me) again.

I’ve heard flatmates shagging before, I’ve even found myself trapped in a kitchen after some drunken flatmates decided to go at it in the hallway wrongly assuming the house was empty… I’ve heard my neighbours going at it to the point where I knew who had finished first… But I’ve never felt the need to sit and watch them! Or get off on it! Again, I get it to a point, you’re watching this person seducing YOU, they’re looking straight at the camera, straight at YOU but then someone else’s bits come into shot and your back to watching someone else…

All I kept thinking was how fake it all was, how loveless… How these girls (and guys) do this for money… They do this with different people all the time. I know there are precautions and regular check ups and stuff AND that there are a lot of promiscuous people out there – I’m no virgin- BUT still… It probably goes back to the loveless sex, the flatness of it… I wouldn’t want to think about my partner with anyone else…let alone multiples… I suppose I don’t like the thought of emotionless sex (ironically) and that thought turned me off instantly. Yeah she’s fit and all but you wouldn’t want to marry her would you? Would you want her to mother your kids? Would you want them finding out what she used to let men do to her for money? and as for mother and daughter porn or Granny bouncing around… Well… Eww. Where’s the self respect? There’s a massive lack of respect from anyone really where porn is concerned… Yeah they’re acting but still It just all seems a bit desperate to me.

I mean… By all means watch it for inspiration or to spice things up a bit but in my mind that’s as far as it should go… Where’s the romance? its so tacky…its so loveless…its so…fake. Fake boobs, fake hair… Fake orgasms! Yeah they look good but jeebus that’s high maintenance! I wouldn’t mind some fakeness… Here and there but the upkeep would be boring and expensive and overall it’s a standard that most of us “plain” girls can’t reach or shouldn’t have to! The fakeness gives people an ideal which is unachievable for most mere mortals, the fakeness of the sex…of the acts…the roughness…it makes sex a thing…it makes the people objects…there is no love making, there is no real passion….its all lust and a good hard… well you know. It takes the fun out of sex for people like me and turns it into a really boring competition, one that you are realistically never going to win because you’re fighting against something that is fantasy…it isn’t real!

A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Maybe it’s slight jealousy on my part because I don’t have what they do, I don’t have the money or the time… But even if I did I’d much rather spend it on something I would enjoy… Not to stroke the ideals of anyone else. Perhaps I envy their bodies…I’m sure they work hard to maintain that and good for them but to be honest I enjoy a good meal, I’d rather spend time with the people I love than spend hours at the gym and I would rather enjoy life in general than worry too much about looking amazing. I’m actually quite happy with the way I look – and I’m pretty sure a lot more people would feel the same if this ideal wasn’t drummed into every porn-atics mind…but even then… like with strippers… these girls are always going to look great because they’re always going to be replaced with younger models -and that annoys me lol. We literally have no choice but to age and to let nature take its toll, meanwhile the porn industry gets fresh meat all the time and reminds the viewers (or my husband) what they are missing. It makes me angry because while of course its good to take care of yourself and to take pride in your appearance (and I do) but porn is setting the bar so bloody high!

On top of that (no pun intended) there’s the rougher stuff, its actually upsetting to see; again I get rough stuff is fun every now and then (and with boundaries) but the things I’ve seen…. Its worrying. The thought of impressionable guys (or girls whatever) watching this stuff and assuming that the norm… its worrying. Its scary. Its fucking dangerous! The rough stuff AND the other stuff, people are seeing this without actually experiencing reality, they’re assuming real people act like this, look like this…LIKE this stuff… and its not true.

So after all of this what did I learn? What did I take away from it? I still hate it, I still don’t agree with it, it still makes me feel sick. Yeah maybe I could do with a bit more eye contact, confidence works… well in a normal situation which doesn’t involve MY husband it would anyway. I understand the appeal of it (if watched in moderation lol), I know the importance of knowing your own body and exploring yourself etc I get that sometimes you need to mix it up a bit and put the effort in, make sex fun…passionate…LOVING! I realise that men are more visual while women are able to use their imagination… but I still believe that -when in a relationship- all of that should be naturally done together, it should be an expression of your love for one another, your desire for one another…not an attempt to persuade your partner to choose you over porn.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

xBx

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#10 Responsibility

On the edge II (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘Yes…but its understandable’

As I headed out for work a few evenings ago I tried to stop my eyes from flickering towards the open laptop as I asked hubby what he had planned in his few hours of freedom. (thinking…do I WANT to know?…porn porn porn)

Closing the laptop and putting it away he said  ‘well when you get back i need to get online and research this stuff i wanna get for the garden…oh and check my bank balance and stuff but while you’re out ill probably play on the Xbox and get my lunch ready for work tomorrow…’

I asked why he was waiting for me to get home before going online and he said it was because he knew how it made me feel knowing he was browsing (alone), he didn’t like making me feel like that…plus there was no rush to look at it so it could wait.

I couldn’t help but smile at that reply but at the same time i hate it I don’t LIKE feeling this way, I had been doing fine and as far as I’m aware he hasn’t been looking at porn… our sex lives have improved massively…more often…he initiates…more relaxed…more fun…happy endings and wotnot etc etc BUT like i said before everything seems to be going a little too well …to the point where i am now on edge waiting for my bubble to burst yet again – and I hate that.

I hate that I think that way, that I’ve now managed to go into reverse and into paranoia territory. I feel like I’m turning into (yes turning I’m not quite there yet) some over sensitive, over protective…demanding wife and I’m worried that I’m really going to push him away at the moment (ironic or what) but i wouldn’t blame him…I mean I don’t think he’s planning on leaving me anytime soon or anything BUT I don’t like the way I’m being so I don’t see why he would either. It’s just not me.

I mean, I’m not overbearing right now, not to him at least…I don’t say everything I think or voice all of my annoying anxieties so he’s only exposed to about one third of the crazy that I’m encountering. but still…he obviously picks up on some stuff as he now knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

I suppose its like waiting for an alcoholic to fall back off the wagon after the first few days of sobriety…surely for him -if he really did have a porn addiction – he would be having major withdrawals by now right? So in my mind he’s ready to crack any day now…or maybe he’s put things into perspective…maybe now the subject has been discussed between us AND with professionals he’s realised how destructive his actions were…that it wasn’t addiction…just lack of respect and understanding?…I don’t know… I think once he gets back into the routine of therapy I’ll feel better as we will be moving in a direction rather than sat in limbo again.

I asked – ‘doesn’t that make me like some crazy, paranoid laptop security guard?’
Him: ‘yes…but its understandable’
Me: ‘IS it understandable though? i don’t LIKE feeling this way…BEING this way’
Him: ‘Yes its understandable, I’ve made you feel this way and I’m going to do everything i can to earn your trust back’

…it never hurts to hear him accept responsibility.

xBx

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• This Is What Happens When A Generation Grows Up On Porn (jenx67.com)
• On the road to freedom from sexual addiction………………….. (radianthope01.wordpress.com)
• Should married couples use porn to spice up their sexual lives? (njorogejustus.wordpress.com)
• ‘Porn made me think sex was brutal’ (bbc.co.uk)
• The problem with porn (theage.com.au)

 

Somebody that I used to know

Make love (Photo credit: chloeloe)

The night after he surprised me by getting a little frisky (with me)… Skipping all details for your sake he did everything I had suggested in THAT text from the night before (see here for that post) without making it seem like a chore. To be fair he never does that purposely, he always makes an effort but this time he was so affectionate with it…that it was rather believable.

Caught up in the moment it was amazing to forgot everything for a while and just enjoy it… But then came his turn. I saw him glance around for the blindfold and my gut twisted but then I saw him almost shake it off (the habit) with a look of determination. He closed his eyes a few times – as we all do- and as his face changed in an attempt to bring himself back to reality I realised at that moment that these thoughts probably aren’t about busty blondes or naughty nurses, they’re something totally different, something that haunts him… Possibly from his childhood.

Much Later (and out of the bedroom) I told him to stand still while I stood behind him facing away – back to back.

*Deep breath* (his answers are in italics) I asked:
Why won’t you tell me what you think about when we are intimate? – Because it’s not nice.
The fact that you’re thinking about something else isn’t nice? or the thing you think about isn’t nice? – The thing I think about
Is it linked to the “thing” you aren’t ready to talk about? – Yes… I don’t want to talk about this anymore
Ok…Do you cover your eyes in order to shut me out completely because using me as a visual doesn’t do it for you? (laughs in shock) No!
So I do do it for you? – Yes!
And you want to be with me? Yes!
Scale of 1 to 10… 10!  (needy I know)

English: thinking (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sensing that these questions could go on forever he stopped me and said…
Baby… You are attractive to me, you DO do it for me and of course I want to be with you. I try and stay focused on you, its you that gets me in the mood in the first place and when I’m WITH you I’m thinking about you and focusing on your enjoyment… BUT when it’s my turn as much as I try… these other thoughts pop into my head and take over… Even when we aren’t being intimate, daily, they just get in there. I don’t want them to, but they do.I will tell you what it is… But I need to understand it myself first. The way I see it is I go to therapy… I tell her… She gives me her analysis or whatever and I then tell you… Can you please just let me do it that way? What is it that’s bothering you the most? Is it that you want to understand it or that you just want to KNOW it?

Again, his response surprised me in a good way and again I told him that by telling anyone nothing bad would happen, that it’s a good step and that it’s necessary. I said what’s bothering me is that I am totally unprepared, I have no clue…
‘Imagine I told you I had done something terrible… What would be your first thought?’
‘Murder?’
‘Exactly… ‘
‘Baby I haven’t killed anyone!’
‘Exactly! But you still thought it, you imagined something much worse than what I was thinking so by you telling me it’s something bad sends my mind wandering….It just scares me a little that I don’t know you :/’

He asked if he should leave and I said no.

He asked why and I said because I love you!
…But you don’t know me – Because you won’t let me in!
...Because I don’t want you to know me – Then why did you marry me?
...Because I want you to know the person I want to be… But I now realise i need to figure out who I actually am before I can get there… I will let you in… I will help you understand when I understand it myself.

I told him that whenever he was ready I would here to listen and I would try to understand it…but couldn’t promise anything. I reassured him that I wouldn’t be broadcasting it to my friends OR blogging about it and I mean that. Whatever this thing is.. This demon… It’s his, it’s not for me to tell the world the details of it (unless of course it turns out to be something hilarious like snails shagging) but somehow I don’t think that’s it. So for the record even when I know… I won’t be blogging the details. Sorry to disappoint but I dont think it would be right for me to do that …*sits back and waits for the unfollow spree to commence*

…there’s more to come

xBx

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The Three Cs

Codependency: The Game (Photo credit: jasonEscapist)

I saw my counsellor straight after porn-gate an he told me to look up co-dependency, he told me about support groups and the three Cs:
I didn’t CAUSE this
I can’t CURE this
I can’t CHANGE this
It sounded empowering but then he began asking about my upbringing, whether anything in my current situation – i.e. wanting to fix someone or ‘desperate’ for someone to love me – was similar to that of my past.

I’ve already told him I had daddy issues, I think most of us do to some extent; I’ve also always had strained relationships with my mum and sister, both very highly strung and judgemental… and thinking back – yes I’ve felt like this before- the difference being that I distanced myself, I accepted it and after years and years of heartache I let them get on with it and found my own happiness. In essence I got over it… Or so I thought.

I always thought the term co-dependent simply referred to the partner of someone with issues. But on further inspection I discover that that’s not what it means at all:

‘Co-dependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one’s own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.People who are co-dependent often take on the role of martyr; they constantly put others’ needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are “needed”; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Co-dependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, co-dependent people also tend to set themselves up as the “victim”. When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.’

Reading up on co-dependency it would suggest that I didn’t get over those issues from my past, those past feelings are the reason I’m still in the relationship I am in, they’re the reason I’m still hanging on… because I am (apparently) co-dependent.

Codependency (Photo credit: Edmund White)

But I don’t necessarily agree with it and now – surprise surprise- I’m confused. Surely there’s a really thin line between placing other peoples needs above my own and simply understanding that its not all about me? Understanding that my husband NEEDS help and that neither of us will be entirely happy until he’s making progress…until we are making progress? Isn’t that part of a relationship? Teamwork? Taking care of each other and stepping up when the other needs a little more support?

I’m a logical person -and a massively emotional one yes but I always think things through so when it comes to my husband I know that I cant be moping around the house crying every day and being angry with him because for one it wont help anything and secondly I have read up on it and had enough other input to UNDERSTAND that he’s just as confused as I am about it all.

That doesn’t mean to say I DON’T cry and get angry sometimes because I do and the only reason I feel guilty after is because I’ve exploded and said things I didn’t mean to say or in a way that could have undone everything. After a breather – yes I will often apologise for saying the harsh stuff but doesn’t everyone after an argument? – But I will go back in there and talk about everything, or say everything that needs to be said…in essence I stick up for myself…and I don’t feel guilty for doing that.

Also, I honestly feel that I do not play the role of the martyr; I’m logical enough to know when enough is enough, to know when to walk away and though my emotions may hate me for it I do it, I have done it and I will do it again…but right now we are 4 therapy sessions in and I don’t think that’s long enough to see real changes. There’s a difference between ‘making excuses’ and putting things into perspective. There’s also a difference between crying ‘why me??’ and crying ‘why is this happening? -period’. Oh and as for being alone…or being needed…I love being on my own, I lived alone for years and I would do it again in a heartbeat…I would love to have no responsibilities again…so that’s a bunch of bollocks in my case anyway.

you’re too nice (Photo credit: the|G|™)

Some aspects however I do agree with, I do put others needs before myself; its something I have always done and yes I need to figure out a balance. It was only the other day I read a book which put it into perspective saying something like put yourself before others, without hurting anyone else and put others before yourself without damaging yourself…Ill have to find the actual quote cause my version is shit lol but it clicked with me. It IS something I need to work on but again there’s a fine line between being caring and being too caring I suppose.

So…out of all of this the thing that has stayed with me the most is those three Cs. They’re true, I did not cause this, I can not cure him and I can not change him…but I can be here to support him and to show him what love is. (btw I cannot stress enough that its not just us 2 sat around being awkward all the time we do have fun, we laugh, we do things together and cuddle up etc…I AM getting some physical and emotional stuff in return…just thought I’d add that in)

For me, I need to think of some emotional goals (It IS Motivation Monday after all):

• Find something for me, something to take my mind off of it, to let go in a way and distract myself a little (without giving me a false sense of security) -hopefully this job will come through and there’s that one sorted lol.

• I need to stop this from taking over my life completely – So far (I know a lot of you will be cheering at this one after THIS post….) I have STOPPED asking/talking about wanking. I haven’t asked or said it in 6 days now…be proud…if only there was a blog counter- ‘days since…000006’ I have also stopped hiding the laptop – I hate it but I need to get myself out of that habit – besides the porn filter is still on there so…

• Keep up with my blogging – my support network and my outlet and maybe look up some support groups nearby

Right now, I have a whole load of blogging and housework and emails to catch up on so…Happy Monday
xBx

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Bullshit!!

Bullshit Ahead warning in style of warning road sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

***If you’re having a nice relaxing morning then I suggest you avoid this post for now…apologies in advance for excessive swearing and exclaimation marks***

What’s the point? Why am I bothering putting myself through such utter bullshit?? (actual question btw- reassuring answers would be great right now)

The fear of wanking is taking its toll on me – like I said in a pervious post (here) every day I assume he’s doing it behind my back . He will tell me that he hasn’t … But why would I ever believe anything anymore? I flat out DON’T believe anything he says. Every time he looks me in the eye and tells me something I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he’s probably lying through his teeth – regardless of whether its about anything of importance or not.

It makes me feel sick knowing that I honestly can not tell the difference between a truth and a lie. He gives nothing away … And I’m fucking married to this man! A man who lies! Every single day! To the woman he married because he tricked her into believing he loved her.

How fucking cruel!

He initiated sex today. Our shifts left us with some free time and for once we actually took advantage of it. Without going into too much detail he will satisfy me and then I’ll return the favour. That’s the norm for us.
Usually it consists of one of us being blindfolded so that he doesn’t see me “pull any judgemental faces” and put him off… But lately it’s him blindfolded every time… To block me out entirely- mortifying. If the blindfold isn’t to hand he will go out of his way to cover his face and if that doesn’t work be just shuts his eyes the whole time.

It’s no secret that he thinks about porn while with me but for him to “use me” for a ‘visual‘… And then block it out in favour of other things… Well it’s shitty. So today I asked what it is he thinks about. Fuck it I want specifics, I want to know what exactly it is that he chooses over me, what it is that can do it for him while I can’t… And why shouldn’t I know? I wouldn’t be angry – we’ve already established its porn so WHAT else is it? What type? What kind? What fantasy? I just want SOMETHING that lets me in to his mind…but I got nothing.  He tried to deflect asking why I wanted to know etc, saying we had been over this before… And that sometimes he thinks of me.

Yes but what do you usually think about? – what did you think about THIS time?

He refused to tell me… Just like he refused to tell me what the source of all of this is…
There and then I told him its pointless, makes no sense and a is fucking joke, grabbed my keys and drove away as fast (but safely) as i could.

XBox (Photo credit: Sheryl’s Boys)

I’ve been sat in my car-  in my little bolt hole- for the past hour furiously smoking, writing this and trying to calm down. Thankfully I have my counselling session in an hour (which hubby doesn’t know i have booked) so I can go there before going home and give him a bit longer to sweat about it… Or just play Xbox… Or just wank all fucking day!

I’m Feeling like I really don’t know anything about my own husband and that’s really fucking stupid. Why am I still with him? What exactly am I getting out of it? Shall I just live with some guy I don’t really know and we will both lie to each other and pretend everything is fine?? Shall we sit in front of the fire and have deep and meaningful conversations about our past? Our present? Our hopes and dreams for the future?… No because it’s all bullshit anyway so why bother?

I know I know some things are allowed to be private…some fantasies are allowed to stay secret…to stay fantasies…but come on…I know NOTHING real about this guy! Besides, I’m not like that, I am an open book. I have told him everything, I WOULD tell him anything. I have literally given myself entirely to this guy is it really THAT unfair to ask for SOMETHING in return? He knew from the start that I was honest, that I don’t DO bullshit…

So how the fuck did I get to be in a situation like this??! I try not to think like this every single day, I try not to turn it round on to me, not to do the whole me me me why meeeee thing…I try to look for those silver linings, to find the positives and find SOMETHING good to (basically) hang on to but some days…like today I just cant ignore those kinds of questions. I’m not strong enough to keep it up every single day and fuck it…I’ll say it whilst doing my best spoilt brat tantrum foot stamp…It is not fair!

I see no silver linings in this… Just bullshit.

Hopefully I will be able to update this ‘explosion’ with something positive by the time it gets ‘published’

xBx

***update: Its been a few days since writing this and I have calmed a lot – to be fair I had calmed a lot by the time I went back home that day. I saw my counsellor who pointed out a few things and gave me plenty of food for thought- but I will leave that for a separate post. I did however figure out the silver lining in this -all by myself (be proud) and its this: He did NOT lie. When I asked him what he thought about he COULD have flat out lied; he COULD have said anything to make me feel great at the time…but he didnt. No he didnt tell me what it was, but he didnt lie about it either…and thats more than I can say for our past so I suppose that will have to be my focus on this one***

 

Don’t think about monkeys!

Monkey in Bali, Indonesia (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I read a post a while ago which mentioned a story about not thinking about monkeys (you’re thinking about monkeys aren’t you?) Its found here http://liveuntil.com/2013/04/09/crossing-the-never-ending-bridge/ and it really got me thinking…and then confused me…and then made sense again so apologies if this post turns into a ramble but I needed to get this written down (Maybe someone can analyse and clarify my thoughts)

From what I understood the point of it was about allowing yourself to think about things which you’re trying NOT to think about- for example a bad break-up- in order to move forward; because if you try NOT to think about it it will haunt you and won’t help you to heal.

A few weeks back while my husband was on nights my gut feeling came back about his… “DIY”. I flat out asked when the last time was and he admitted that it was that morning… In the shower BUT no porn was involved and that’s the first time he had done it at all since shit hit the fan.(high5 for gut feeling)

He asked if I was angry… And I wasn’t (on that occasion)  I GET that he needs a release and to be fair our sleep schedules were completely opposite, I hadn’t been in the mood for it and blah blah blah I was OK with it – that time- and explained the difference between what’s acceptable and what’s not and he agreed. (Before any w*nkers (lol sorry couldn’t resist) jump in and tell me it’s just a bit of fun please read my back-story and then feel free to comment)

HOWEVER after that every time he’s getting in the shower or I’m leaving him alone I will say “don’t wank” to which he replies.. “I won’t”… Which brings me back to those monkeys… “if you force your mind to travel in a certain direction, it will go the other way.”…Isn’t it like reverse psychology? Aren’t I tempting him with the idea every time I say it? On the flip side I can’t imagine ever saying “have a fiddle today darling” or “knock yourself out baby” -like you would if using reverse psychology- because I genuinely believe he would take it as bible and go to town without feeling any guilt – and I simply can’t take any more knocks to my confidence.

So what’s the solution? Why do I keep torturing us both by saying it at least once a day? I think it takes me back to an ex of mine who was the biggest wordsmith EVER. He was charming, he was friendly, he lied through his teeth in every conversation (are you starting to see a pattern?) he would find loopholes in the simplest sentence to continue a lie:
‘Did you sleep with her?’
‘No’ (because instead of sleeping we did X Y and Z)
He would never admit to twisting my words but in time I learned to ask him anything in every variation of question in order to get a truthful response and consequently we didn’t last.

Wise monkey (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

Now that I know about my husbands impulse lies (and masturbation secrets) the old me has resurfaced but this time instead of asking I flat out dictate my expectations… And it’s horrible… But what else am I meant to do? I really want to trust him… (about this) But I don’t (about this) and it’s not surprising is it? In my head if I state the “rules” there is no confusion.. There is no loophole and there is no excuse… But its not healthy is it? However somehow it seems to be swaying towards a positive; Maybe I’m looking at it wrong…

A few times I have stopped myself from saying it just to see how i would feel and on returning home he will say (unprompted) “I didn’t by the way” … Is this him coming to terms with the damage he has done and understanding how I feel? Realising that i need reassurance? He’s also been initiating bedroom stuff (I’ve eased off lately) so I know he’s telling the truth as far as his solo activities go and it’s nice to know that he’s putting in the effort and realising how to make “us” work a little better.

So perhaps the monkeys do apply… but in a different way. Maybe forcing his mind to not THINK about ‘DIY’ was tempting him more before it was out in the open…..Maybe instead of secretly thinking about actually doing it (and us both ignoring the issues) by laying it out on the table its forcing him to face his demons…or monkeys which in turn is helping him heal (get over it)

OR maybe I’ve just rambled myself silly…Does ANY of that make sense? lol Thoughts please…

xBx

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#4 Faith(ful)

03.365 (02.08.2009) Faith (Photo credit: hannahclark)

‘I will never cheat on you – I never want to and never will…

And I KNOW that’

I liked this one, cheating, infidelity…trust is very important to me – and he knows this. He also knows that he’s broken my trust BIG TIME so I’m assuming this is his way of reassuring me that at least one part of our vows to each other are still valid.

I realise that this is like someone saying ‘everything I say is a lie…but trust me’… its just not going to happen that easily; but really I don’t have much choice in the matter, all I can do is hope that he means it.

I have asked him to tell me these things, these honest, genuine, good things and I have told him they can be as big or as little as he wants. He has chosen something big today…by himself with no pressure from me so I’m taking it as it is.

I have been asked before how I know he wouldn’t cheat when really he’s already had an affair with porn and I suppose you could say that’s true; he has, but I honestly believe the line is drawn there. Besides, thinking about it logically why WOULD he cheat? He wouldn’t get anything out of it either physically OR emotionally…so what would be the point?

xBx

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