Apologies for being AWOL recently… to be honest I’m not in a great place I have SO much going on in my head AND in reality (good AND bad) that its hard not to just shut down completely and hope that somehow everything will fit into place…well that hasn’t happened so I suppose its time to start writing them all down in some kind of order in an attempt to make it make sense or at least clear some head space.
A few weeks back I visited my husbands therapist (with him) for the first time. The first part is posted here. I said I would go into more detail for some parts so I could pour my heart out a little. Some of the information given that evening hurt to hear, it stung a bit and its probably a lot to do with how I’ve been feeling lately too, of it so…here it is.
When asked how my husbands actions affect me on a daily basis I struggled to find a place to begin.
Noting that we were limited on time I churned out the obvious – sex is an issue, the self esteem issues which comes from his lack of interest, the paranoia from the constant lies, the worry when it comes to leaving due to porn addiction… The gut wrench that comes from knowing my marriage up till now has been a sham… Shall I continue?
She stopped me and talked about the porn/sex/masturbation a bit more as this was the first time she had heard anything about it. She asked whether he watched porn because of the thrill of it, the release… And that annoyed me because it seemed like she was trying to put words in his mouth rather than asking open ended questions. I had gone here hoping that with the three of us more comfortable he would feel able to explain it – with her help NOT to be told the answers.
However to my surprise – and relief- he didn’t agree with her… Instead he shrugged. She asked if it was the fantasy side – no. Is it the release? -no. Is it X? Y?… Z?? – no. He said its nothing, it’s not important to him, it doesn’t do anything for him… He just does it.
I think I would have preferred it her way lol. To hear that cut deep for me, of all the times he’s sneaked off to watch it, lied about it… For all the issues it’s caused… The lack of trust… The lack of confidence… The lack of respect!!! And it means nothing to him?? He did all of the above for something that did nothing?? Despite my gut twisting I didn’t react, I just nodded and tried to let it sink in.
She asked whether the porn was encouraged and what my thoughts on it were … Yeah here we go again lol (if anyone DOESN’T know my thoughts then I suggest you read here lol also if you are lost by now it’s probably best to read up on the back story which starts here) I told her I had offered to watch it with him, been refused and then lied to, that for me porn is now the other woman- the one he wouldn’t or couldn’t stop seeing. I told her that masturbation – whilst understandable in his case… Well I don’t see the necessity when married especially with a wife whom is willing to experiment and who rarely isn’t up for it. I told her how he does masturbate – WITH me, that it hurts that I can’t satisfy him as it is and that the lies before now have made it an issue so the compromise is that he does himself and I’m there with him otherwise no progress will be made in the bedroom and no intimacy will be there for either of us.
She asked what would happen if he watched porn now…. I would leave. She looked shocked- as I assume many of you are reading that but its a fact. I have had enough of it, he has his boundaries and secrets and issues…I have learned to live with them, that is my one boundary. It doesn’t NEED to happen, its affected us too many times. its me or that basically, there’s only so much shit one person can take. That is my limit.
Then she asked about sex.
You don’t feel anything? -no
Nothing physical? -no
Nothing emotional? – no
You just do it for Beth? – yeah…
We talked more about WHY the frequency had changed since marriage and the answer gave me that twinge again… Basically whenever he would visit me pre marriage it was usually for one weekend every other week and unbeknownst to me he was acting 100% during those visits -or in his words ‘it was a massive effort to do it that often every time I saw her…but I knew that once that weekend was over I would have the next 2 weeks to be myself…by myself…but once you’re LIVING together…well that means forcing it 100% of the time, there’s no end to it and its exhausting having to pretend to that extent’ – Just writing that made me feel sick. I cant explain it really…I suppose aside from the obvious feelings i.e. stupid…naive…I also feel… used, fooled and like I was PRESSURING him!! (Which I wasn’t at all) It makes me angry to think about how much ‘effort’ it was just to sleep with me…it makes me angry that he put that much effort into something he didn’t want to do…it makes me angry that he still went ahead and married me!
That hurt to hear.
The stupid thing is I knew it really, I figured that out for myself when all of this first came out but I suppose until you actually hear HIM say it there’s always that glimmer of hope that you’re being silly, worrying over nothing…reading too far into it…that you are wrong! Once you hear HIM say THAT…well its real. and its really fucking painful.
She asked me if we ever argue…if there’s ever ANYTHING there which suggests emotions…I mean yeah we have had a few arguments but never really shouting matches (not before all of this anyway and even since there’s been maybe 2…with me doing the shouting) She said THAT must be frustrating because its natural for us to want an argument sometimes but with him I won’t get one…which led her to ask me if I ever let it all out…how do I get it out? What do I do to make myself feel better…DO I cry? Do I allow myself to get angry?
Erm…fuck yes! ‘I usually wait until he’s at work to have a good sob if I feel like it…or when he’s asleep some nights I will lay next to him and let them flow…or I’ll watch some sad shit on TV just so I can sit in tears and feel like I have a valid reason for it’ (By this time I was crying) ‘ I mean I think he KNOWS that I cry about it sometimes but its easier to do it when he’s not around as for starters I don’t want to say shit in the heat of the moment that will undo all of this but also because I have learned that crying to him is pointless… yeah he comforts me physically, he makes all the right noises but I know its bullshit…I know its an act because he doesn’t FEEL anything. He doesn’t empathise…he just does what he knows works…like a puzzle that he’s mastered and knowing that when you need comfort the most is an oxymoron in a way.
She looked to him and asked what it was like to hear me saying those things…he shrugged and shook his head (nothing) He said he didn’t know I was still crying most days and that he wished I would talk to him about it rather than waiting BUT he understood why I didn’t do that and ultimately…hearing that from me… he didn’t FEEL anything. He said he obviously doesn’t LIKE that I feel that way, he doesn’t want me to keep feeling that way, he wants to make it better but as far as emotions go there’s nothing.
It made it all real again, the blunt answers, the matter-of-fact way he responded…THAT is why I don’t go to him…because I know all of that too. I KNOW he doesn’t feel anything, I suppose at least he’s being honest about it lol but still… its so…lonely
I came out of that session feeling better for understanding more…for knowing more but at the same time I ended up hurting more because I had to hear it all over again… I had my fears and worries confirmed…by him. To be honest (when aren’t I?) we left there feeling closer to each other if anything…more open with each other…which is funny when you think about the content of what we had just been discussing in there. It was…bittersweet would be the word for it I think…but in the weeks since it’s hit me all over again and knocked me a few steps back again – I suppose at least this time I understand it more so hopefully the path back uphill won’t be as tough this time
(A LOT more to come…)