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I’m still here

Hi all … Or those who are still following me… Apologies for the long absence – and for any spelling mistakes as I’m writing this from my phone. I’m not back for good (yet) but I almost feel like I owe you an explanation of where I have been all this time.

Well firstly my arm… Remember a few months back I mentioned that my arm was hurting a lot? Well rather than getting better its got progressively worse. I finally went to the doctors about a month ago and he thought I had torn a ligament in my shoulder thanks to an incident at work involving my boss’ dog. I’ve been going to physical therapy for the last few weeks and he thinks its actually underlying long term nerve damage which was merely bought to attention thanks to that dog.

Either way it’s fucking horrible. The near-constant ache makes me feel physically sick and I’m so frustrated with the effect it’s having on my everyday life. Sleeping is a bitch, cooking is a pain in the arse… Can openers and jars are my worst enemies right now… It hurts to write, type, drive… I can do it all but god it makes me fucking miserable. It’s like a toothache… Just there… Pissing me off all the time. It’s draining. So that was the main reason I stopped writing… Purely the fact that I physically couldn’t keep up with the act of regularly blogging.

Emotionally I’m ok but at some point i got so overwhelmed in every way possible about things – good and bad – that I just couldn’t write it all down and had some kind of blog meltdown.

I’m still seeing my counsellor and she’s amazing… She even hugs me after each session 🙂 Hubby is doing really well in his sessions, I’m so proud of the work he’s doing. He started hypnotherapy (with the same therapist) a week or so ago and that seems to be helping a lot.

Our first anniversary (which I was so anxious about) came and went and oh my it was amazing. It’s already in the “happy book” and I will share it with you once I’m back on track.

Then there is the relationship biggie- he told me his 10… THE big secret (which I won’t be sharing with you I’m afraid lol) … That was a while back now and the world hasn’t imploded and we are still married – in fact we are now stronger than ever- so I think that should be all you need to know as far as his 10 goes

Finally there’s the bombshell that was dropped last month…and the second biggest thing that has affected me every day since (the first being my blimmin arm)…we were told by his work that rather than having another year in the UK we actually needed to be living in America by the end of October THIS YEAR! At first I freaked out, panicking that WE were not ready for this. I confided in my friend (who knows everything) and she asked me to think of how our relationship is without all the past/therapy stuff and if I would be happy with him if it didn’t exist and honestly I would. Taking all of that away leaves us fine and happy, we still talk and cuddle and don’t fight much (apart from the odd nag but that doesn’t count) so that’s how I’m looking at it. As well as the amount of progress he has made – from not talking or understanding his feelings to at least trying to and wanting to and finding himself bit by bit- in reality he has come a long way – even if I (or us normal people lol) can’t see it AND WE have made progress together too.

With that logic I felt a bit more confident but still weary… Until a shit load of other stuff was thrown into the mix (which i cant and wont go into) meaning there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be able to go with him… And it was then that I realised how much it meant to me. In an instant I went from “can I really be thinking of doing this?” To “fuck this I’m going even if it kills me!!” – funny how things make you realise what matters isn’t it? The idea I had originally given myself a year to ponder was finalised in one moment.

Of course i’m not taking it lightly, i’m not forgetting that there is a lot of work still to be done and i’ve covered my arse incase shit hits the fan once we are over there but the way I see it is a change of scenery can’t be that bad. Why not travel the world while working on all of this? And to be honest the shock news has glued us even stronger together, we became solid, a force, a good team- planning and preparing for the future… It’s been a nice reminder of how strong we really are.

So… It looks like we are going to America. We have managed to get it pushed back till December though which gives us time to tie up a few loose ends before we leave.

So -like I said to BeetleyPete- there’s just a lot going on right now and more time to think about stuff or get on with stuff than to write it all down lol but I’m not curled in a corner or losing the will to live so I guess that means I’m ok lol -though trying to sort out an international move with a dead arm is frustrating as hell!

So… That’s that. I genuinely hope you are all doing well. Hopefully soon I will be back to my usual blogging self… I’m sure I’ll have a lot to write about once we are finally across the pond.

xBx

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21 Comments

Posted by on September 14, 2013 in The Present -How things are

 

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#13 As sick as your secrets

**Continuing on from my last post (here) ***

Number 9 Sign

Number 9 Sign (Photo credit: tedeytan)

In order for this to make as much sense as possible, its probably a good idea to read back (if you haven’t already) about our rating scale technique – posted here.

After telling me how he knows he can trust me and explaining that its hard to tell me the things he WANTS to tell me let alone the things he’s not ready to talk about yet…he then said something which made my heart stop.

“I’m really tempted to tell you my 10…but I don’t feel like it’s right yet…

so are you ready for a 9?”

Of course I wont go into detail of it here but that 9 of his was shocking…and not in the way you would assume. what took me by surprise was how NORMAL his 9 was…this massive secret which he was too scared to say to anyone for his entire life…this 9 out of 10 on the scale of difficulty…was something so…common that had I not known it was a ‘9’ for him i probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he told me.

I’ll give you what I think would be a (fictional of course) comparison of this ‘9’ of his…

  • ‘I wet the bed till I was 11’
  • ‘I still cry at Disney films’
  • ‘I’m afraid of the dark’

Of course the content was a relief…you would assume something as hard to disclose as that would automatically mean it’s something bad but -like she said before- it’s not always the content that is hard to tell…it’s just that its something of his. What has blown my mind repeatedly in all of this is how little he has ‘Googled’ about this stuff…because if he had then he may have worked out by now that he is not weird…or that other people go through this stuff too. Regardless, because I knew how hard it was to tell me- BEFORE he told me, I was able to react in an encouraging way. Instead of shrugging it off i thanked him for letting me in, instead of giggling or making an inappropriate joke i was able to take it seriously and actually listen to what he was telling me but most importantly i was able to reassure him that he is not a freak…that he shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and that this thing is more common than he realises…I was able to put his mind at ease -so in that sense the rating scale saved the day as without it i probably wouldn’t have reacted – or appreciated it – the same way.

His therapist had explained to me how he should be telling himself ‘its ok…nothing bad happened’ at any times when he does something which he sees as a ‘fuck up’ – for example spilling a drink like I explained in the post about the oxygen mask…OR when he tells me something of his. So again I was able to remind him of that once he told me his 9- literally by telling him ‘see…nothing bad has happened…its ok’ and then physically by keeping my body language the same, by kissing him etc -My health and social care teacher would be proud lol…those A levels are really paying off now ha ha.

He allowed me to ask questions so I started slow and eventually (a handful of questions later) we got to a point where he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I let it go and we carried on as normal (see…nothing happened!) I thought it only fair to share one of my higher numbers with him to even the score but again, seeing as I’m probably a bit too open all i could find was a 5/6…that being a poem I had written on the Community Storyboard about cuddling him in bed (here) The reason that was a 5/6 was because its my true feelings about us and its MY blog but I shared that with him (whilst hiding behind a pillow) and he liked it so I think we both felt a little lighter after that- and closer to each other too.

For me to find a 5/6 is pretty rare…there’s not a lot that i wouldn’t tell him or share with him…or not much that i would find difficult anyway… but there was ONE other 5 that I let him into and that was meeting BeetleyPete a few weeks ago. For me meeting Pete (and Mrs Pete) was important to ME. It involved going somewhere I usually go by myself…one of my happy places I suppose (which I don’t have many of now I live here) and introducing my husband to THE blogging legend himself. It was something I was looking forward to and I was almost a little bit protective of…something I didn’t want to be tainted by anything or anyone…something for me…which I allowed him into…something I shared with him. THAT was hard for me to do…but I did it…and nothing bad happened 🙂

Another thing his therapist had explained during that session was what he would feel like after divulging something of his; and so with this information and knowing how big this secret was for him I was prepared for what happened next. I knew how shit he would be feeling…and it was obvious that he was; He said he felt physically sick and that night he asked me NOT to cuddle him in bed (and apologised for asking lol) But i understood why he was being that way so did whatever I could to make him see that no matter what I was still here for him and that this secret had not and would not change anything. For the next few days he was a little bit ‘off’ but I was able to let him ride the wave without giving him too much shit for being in a mood and keep reassuring him without actually making a big deal out of it.

Its been a while since his 9…and he’s back to normal as far as the aftermath of it goes but he’s still not ready for his 10…and I am not pushing for it. Its good to know he felt safe enough to open up to me – and that I knew how to handle it once he did; I think – for us- this was a major breakthrough, I feel closer to him – almost smug actually lol- and I hope he feels closer to me too…but most importantly I hope I have shown him that it IS ok to let me in…because nothing bad happens when he does 🙂

xBx

 

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Feel Good Friday!

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The last week or so has been busy at the Beth household. I’ve been spending the day doing wifey duties and sunbathing – oh yes she’s got a tan 🙂 – and in the evening I’m off to work. As soon as I get home it’s hubby’s bed time so I’ll go with him and get some zzzzs myself. We are just about settled with that routine but my blogging has taken a back seat whilst the sun is out.

It’s amazing how much healthier you feel with a bit of a tan (safe sunning of course, plenty of cream and water etc) I had my hair done 🙂 my boss painted my nails (and paid ME for it lol) in a bid to stop me biting them and instead pick the varnish. So far the nails and varnish have lasted 2 days so I’m doing well.

Hubby did his test thing for work and doesn’t think it went too well :/ we have to wait till August to see whether he’s right or not but I’m trying to keep positive.

I managed to order his birthday present before anything else 🙂 however it turns out I got the month of his birthday … And the day in theory too wrong so I’m actually a month ahead of schedule lol present WIN … Wife FAIL

I’ve managed to do learn how to spell ‘necessary’ by writing it over and over, training my brain to write it and my fingers to type it.

We are still doing our positive genuines ALMOST every day – one of my goals is to get back to doing it every day.

My three things for today:
-I am thankful for this gorgeous weather
-I am thankful for my job
-I am thankful for WordPress – the outlet to voice my thoughts and the community that comes with it

I’ve been nominated for a few more awards – http://ethicalhedonism.wordpress.com/2013/06/02/its-certainly-raining-awards/

And http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/2013/05/29/very-inspiring-blogger-award-2/

So thank you both for thinking of me – I will do an official post when I get some time.

Finally… I was emailed by a fellow blogger who has experienced the numbness of PTSD, he wanted to try to explain what it was like from my husbands point of view and oh my he did such a good job of it! I asked if I could quote some of his email to share with you as I know many of you are as lost as I am… he said by all means… And then he went one better. He’s going to write a series of posts for me to share with you all explaining what it’s like, all different aspects… From HIS experience (whilst acknowledging that all people are different) so they will be posted in the next few days.

Enjoy your weekend lovely bloggers!

xBx

(Again written and posted from the garden so apologies for spelling)

 
17 Comments

Posted by on June 7, 2013 in Under construction

 

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Happiest Moment of Today #20

Motivation Monday…. ‘Happiness Project’ One of my favourite parts of this blog 🙂 Even on the days which aren’t so great we should still look for the positives 🙂

The Girl with Twine in Her Bag

One of the days where my happiness level is 1 out of 10, so the happiest moment would be having lunch alone at CoffeeBean with my book.

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Let someone else choose your meal at a restaurant

Seeing as it’s Motivation Monday….
I honestly think this is one of the best blogs…EVER! lol Seriously…for us serious ones we really do need to take a leaf out of this guys book (or blog) and do something different…not even anything big or expensive..just different to what WE would normally do. It’s inspiring -and oh so simple. For some reason I cant reblog the ‘about’ page…cause it’s a page maybe? I dont know but I honestly reccommend you check it out for yourselves.
xBx

Wobble a Jelly

In my why section, I explain that the inspiration for this blog started as a result of choosing something different off of a menu. It forced me to try something I’d never normally try.

I still felt I was veering towards food I would like, so at a meal with some work colleagues, I decided to try something really different.

We played a game where you choose the meal for the person to your left. And so on round the table.

We briefed the waiter so that he would not repeat the order back so that we only knew what we were having when it arrived at the table. It was really quite exciting – not knowing what someone would order for you, and equally what the other person would think of the meal you’ve just chosen for them. It’s quite a conversation-starter.

I have played The Game know…

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Busy Busy Beth-an-y

Be Happy

Be Happy (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hi all 🙂 *waves*

Just an update really as I feel like I’ve gotten out of my routine of blogging (I miss you guys) BUT rest assured when I’m not lurking in the blog-o-sphere I’m usually doing something else that keeps me smiling and positive and feeling really good (yay)

Blogging: I’ve been nominated for a few more awards (yay 🙂 ) which I will do a formal post for later in the week but for now thank you to Charles for nominating me for the Seed of Light Award http://legendsofwindemere.com/2013/05/19/seed-of-light-award/ AND for the Semper Fidelis Award http://legendsofwindemere.com/2013/05/21/semper-fidelis-award/ Which I’ve never heard of before but Charles kindly wrote ‘Fighter to the end, Always coming back stronger, Glad she’s on my side’  Aww – Thank you again.
Last (but certainly not least) is the Lovely Blog Award by Petite Magique http://petitemagique.wordpress.com/2013/05/20/three-more-awards/ So thank YOU too 🙂 I am honoured

Also, I have been asked to write every now and then for the RCC and am working on some other posts for other blogs etc so I’m still writing but not as active on here for now. I don’t think I’ll be doing anywhere near as many posts as I was before now that…firstly things are going a little more smoothly at home and secondly due to work and trying to re-shuffle everything around etc I do have some posts ready in my mind but a few of them are about the past and I’m worried about bringing the tone back down to depressing when the reality is that we are doing OK so ill see how I feel when I’ve written them out etc

Regardless… I’m still here, I haven’t abandoned you lol I WILL reply to any comments I’ve missed -I would just rather take the time to read and respond properly rather than half heartedly…and please remember if you ever want a chat etc I always check my twitter (on the right) and email beth.army@yahoo.co.uk or you can get in touch with the ‘contact me’ form at the top of my page…I’m never far away. You’ve all been so supportive and I am so thankful for that so the least I can do is remind you all that I’m always here to repay the favour etc

Work: I’ve been pretty busy with work -yup one week in and I still love it…my last shift we played the wii for an hour…such a hard job 😉

Counselling: I made -and had- my counselling appointment yesterday. It was nice to talk to him about the progress etc with hubby. I told him about ‘gym-gate’ (mentioned here) and even HE pointed out that at no point did hubby ACTUALLY call me fat…OR mention my weight…or that I needed to lose any lol (I knew this really) but we had a laugh about it.

We talked about ‘the friend’ and he said I did the right thing in leaving it open-ended…leaving the ball in her court and basically taking the higher route. He said I’m smart and he doesn’t know HOW I do it but whenever we talk I seem to have analysed the shit out of whatever it is we are talking about and figured it out logically. He said that despite the friend being (a dick) I had still managed to be smart enough to hold my own, stay calm and use tact …acknowledging that SHE has put ME in a corner and presenting HER with that predicament…ultimately asking HER for a solution. He said its clear that I care for her etc but also that I’ve established new boundaries and am pretty much covering my ass and keeping her at arms length.

He recognised that for the last few sessions its almost as if we have been running out of things to talk about…which is good as it means things are progressing and I’m healing 🙂

HOWEVER…he also told me that he’s due to leave soon…like we have 4 sessions left…maximum! *freak out freak out freak out!* I don’t know if I will start talking to the new one as RIGHT NOW I don’t feel the need BUT at the same time I don’t want to have no fallback IF another bombshell gets dropped. Especially not if I would then have to explain all the history to the new one whilst in a state of shock etc SO it may be worth meeting the new one -maybe once every few weeks or something- just for the sake of having someone to talk everything through with as I’m sure he’s going to go through things with his therapist which I’ll want to talk through with mine too …any thoughts?

Speaking of therapy…hubby STILL hasn’t been back to see his :/ its NOT his fault, he’s been called in to work the last few weekends so its just a case of getting the time to go. I’m not happy about it, I feel like its dragging on a bit BUT we are still doing our 3 things each day and getting on well…I just want to carry on making those baby steps as right now we are just kind of drifting -albeit happily- but…I suppose I don’t want to let myself fall into a false sense of security all over again.

Phone date: had my phone date with my friend this eve and it was lovely 🙂 Caught up on loads and overall a really positive convo….glad I made the effort to arrange it 🙂

My photos for my scrapbook are on their way (yay) ….My Tesco order arrived yesterday (double yay)…I got my hair cut and dyed it today…I’m feeling fresh and I like it 🙂

How are you all doing?

xBx

 
15 Comments

Posted by on May 22, 2013 in Under construction

 

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Motivation Monday! Stuck on you

I am now a member :)

I am now a member 🙂

Its time for my Motivation Monday post; I’ve already done a motivation themed post for the Rome Construction Crew here… http://romeconstructioncrew.com/2013/05/19/three-little-things/ If you haven’t visited the RCC website yet you really should, it’s great and I’m really impressed with how its going (Well done Bradley)

Last week was pretty much a write-off for me just grr after grr after arrrrgggghhhhhhhh! Lol BUT thankfully things changed around towards the end of it.

My 3 positives every day are going well -as are my husbands.

I haven’t had another phone date with my friend yet as I’ve been working most evenings BUT its still in the pipeline. I DID however call my grandparents and my great-aunt over the last week and spent at least 45 minutes talking to each one. I love talking to them, they’re always so happy to hear from me and they’re so funny! So I suppose you could class that as my weeks phone usage right there.

Hubby is reminding me to clean my teeth after every sugary thing -and I’m doing it- we even stocked up on toothpaste and floss last week so that’s that sorted lol.

My photos are on their way so hopefully this week I can finally finish my wedding book (Nothing like finally getting around to finishing an old task)

Job is going great, it doesn’t feel like work at all…when your boss texts and says ‘great, see you tomo for some hardcore organising…don’t go too crazy on the thigh rubbing’ (I LOVE organising) you know you’ve found the right job lol.

Goals for this week:

Make a counselling appointment – I had to cancel the one last week -or even the week before that- and although at the moment I don’t feel like there’s anything (hubby related) worrying me… I think I would feel better knowing I have him on hand and up to speed with our progress in case another bombshell gets dropped (maybe a negative way to look at it but when you look at hubbys history of bombshells…. ) Plus its something to do lol, I can rant about other stuff etc

Do my scrapbook …I’ve got my glue ready…come oooonnnn photos 🙂 I also have a little notepad which I stick pictures of things I want in…I’ve had the same one for years. Just stuff for the house or clothes I’ve seen etc…even boring body lotions or hair products…and nothing extravagant either really. I don’t often spend money on myself – probably because I never have much to play with lol and if I do I end up bargain hunting. I’d much rather spend £15 total on a few items than £15 on one top but every now and then (we are talking maybe once or twice a year btw) I’ll pick something out of it and treat myself…well I haven’t stuck anything in that book for ages now and instead have loads of little bits of paper lying around so I may as well glue them all in as well 🙂

Call my friend (the good one)…we’ve text etc but its just not the same sometimes is it? And on the subject of friends I want to password protect the posts about the other one on here – not because I’m worried she will see them but because I feel like that’s closed now and I don’t really want it coming back to bite me in the bum later

PoGeHaGo (Positive/Genuine/Happy/Good)

  • I am thankful that I love my job
  • I’m happy that my husband and I are getting on better than ever (except for one little man-comment last night but I’ll blog that later)
  • I’m happy I had the chance to blog this morning 🙂

xBx

 
3 Comments

Posted by on May 20, 2013 in Under construction

 

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