Tag Archives: Secrets

I’m still here

Hi all … Or those who are still following me… Apologies for the long absence – and for any spelling mistakes as I’m writing this from my phone. I’m not back for good (yet) but I almost feel like I owe you an explanation of where I have been all this time.

Well firstly my arm… Remember a few months back I mentioned that my arm was hurting a lot? Well rather than getting better its got progressively worse. I finally went to the doctors about a month ago and he thought I had torn a ligament in my shoulder thanks to an incident at work involving my boss’ dog. I’ve been going to physical therapy for the last few weeks and he thinks its actually underlying long term nerve damage which was merely bought to attention thanks to that dog.

Either way it’s fucking horrible. The near-constant ache makes me feel physically sick and I’m so frustrated with the effect it’s having on my everyday life. Sleeping is a bitch, cooking is a pain in the arse… Can openers and jars are my worst enemies right now… It hurts to write, type, drive… I can do it all but god it makes me fucking miserable. It’s like a toothache… Just there… Pissing me off all the time. It’s draining. So that was the main reason I stopped writing… Purely the fact that I physically couldn’t keep up with the act of regularly blogging.

Emotionally I’m ok but at some point i got so overwhelmed in every way possible about things – good and bad – that I just couldn’t write it all down and had some kind of blog meltdown.

I’m still seeing my counsellor and she’s amazing… She even hugs me after each session 🙂 Hubby is doing really well in his sessions, I’m so proud of the work he’s doing. He started hypnotherapy (with the same therapist) a week or so ago and that seems to be helping a lot.

Our first anniversary (which I was so anxious about) came and went and oh my it was amazing. It’s already in the “happy book” and I will share it with you once I’m back on track.

Then there is the relationship biggie- he told me his 10… THE big secret (which I won’t be sharing with you I’m afraid lol) … That was a while back now and the world hasn’t imploded and we are still married – in fact we are now stronger than ever- so I think that should be all you need to know as far as his 10 goes

Finally there’s the bombshell that was dropped last month…and the second biggest thing that has affected me every day since (the first being my blimmin arm)…we were told by his work that rather than having another year in the UK we actually needed to be living in America by the end of October THIS YEAR! At first I freaked out, panicking that WE were not ready for this. I confided in my friend (who knows everything) and she asked me to think of how our relationship is without all the past/therapy stuff and if I would be happy with him if it didn’t exist and honestly I would. Taking all of that away leaves us fine and happy, we still talk and cuddle and don’t fight much (apart from the odd nag but that doesn’t count) so that’s how I’m looking at it. As well as the amount of progress he has made – from not talking or understanding his feelings to at least trying to and wanting to and finding himself bit by bit- in reality he has come a long way – even if I (or us normal people lol) can’t see it AND WE have made progress together too.

With that logic I felt a bit more confident but still weary… Until a shit load of other stuff was thrown into the mix (which i cant and wont go into) meaning there was a possibility that I wouldn’t be able to go with him… And it was then that I realised how much it meant to me. In an instant I went from “can I really be thinking of doing this?” To “fuck this I’m going even if it kills me!!” – funny how things make you realise what matters isn’t it? The idea I had originally given myself a year to ponder was finalised in one moment.

Of course i’m not taking it lightly, i’m not forgetting that there is a lot of work still to be done and i’ve covered my arse incase shit hits the fan once we are over there but the way I see it is a change of scenery can’t be that bad. Why not travel the world while working on all of this? And to be honest the shock news has glued us even stronger together, we became solid, a force, a good team- planning and preparing for the future… It’s been a nice reminder of how strong we really are.

So… It looks like we are going to America. We have managed to get it pushed back till December though which gives us time to tie up a few loose ends before we leave.

So -like I said to BeetleyPete- there’s just a lot going on right now and more time to think about stuff or get on with stuff than to write it all down lol but I’m not curled in a corner or losing the will to live so I guess that means I’m ok lol -though trying to sort out an international move with a dead arm is frustrating as hell!

So… That’s that. I genuinely hope you are all doing well. Hopefully soon I will be back to my usual blogging self… I’m sure I’ll have a lot to write about once we are finally across the pond.


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Posted by on September 14, 2013 in The Present -How things are


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#13 As sick as your secrets

**Continuing on from my last post (here) ***

Number 9 Sign

Number 9 Sign (Photo credit: tedeytan)

In order for this to make as much sense as possible, its probably a good idea to read back (if you haven’t already) about our rating scale technique – posted here.

After telling me how he knows he can trust me and explaining that its hard to tell me the things he WANTS to tell me let alone the things he’s not ready to talk about yet…he then said something which made my heart stop.

“I’m really tempted to tell you my 10…but I don’t feel like it’s right yet…

so are you ready for a 9?”

Of course I wont go into detail of it here but that 9 of his was shocking…and not in the way you would assume. what took me by surprise was how NORMAL his 9 was…this massive secret which he was too scared to say to anyone for his entire life…this 9 out of 10 on the scale of difficulty…was something so…common that had I not known it was a ‘9’ for him i probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he told me.

I’ll give you what I think would be a (fictional of course) comparison of this ‘9’ of his…

  • ‘I wet the bed till I was 11’
  • ‘I still cry at Disney films’
  • ‘I’m afraid of the dark’

Of course the content was a relief…you would assume something as hard to disclose as that would automatically mean it’s something bad but -like she said before- it’s not always the content that is hard to tell…it’s just that its something of his. What has blown my mind repeatedly in all of this is how little he has ‘Googled’ about this stuff…because if he had then he may have worked out by now that he is not weird…or that other people go through this stuff too. Regardless, because I knew how hard it was to tell me- BEFORE he told me, I was able to react in an encouraging way. Instead of shrugging it off i thanked him for letting me in, instead of giggling or making an inappropriate joke i was able to take it seriously and actually listen to what he was telling me but most importantly i was able to reassure him that he is not a freak…that he shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and that this thing is more common than he realises…I was able to put his mind at ease -so in that sense the rating scale saved the day as without it i probably wouldn’t have reacted – or appreciated it – the same way.

His therapist had explained to me how he should be telling himself ‘its ok…nothing bad happened’ at any times when he does something which he sees as a ‘fuck up’ – for example spilling a drink like I explained in the post about the oxygen mask…OR when he tells me something of his. So again I was able to remind him of that once he told me his 9- literally by telling him ‘see…nothing bad has happened…its ok’ and then physically by keeping my body language the same, by kissing him etc -My health and social care teacher would be proud lol…those A levels are really paying off now ha ha.

He allowed me to ask questions so I started slow and eventually (a handful of questions later) we got to a point where he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I let it go and we carried on as normal (see…nothing happened!) I thought it only fair to share one of my higher numbers with him to even the score but again, seeing as I’m probably a bit too open all i could find was a 5/6…that being a poem I had written on the Community Storyboard about cuddling him in bed (here) The reason that was a 5/6 was because its my true feelings about us and its MY blog but I shared that with him (whilst hiding behind a pillow) and he liked it so I think we both felt a little lighter after that- and closer to each other too.

For me to find a 5/6 is pretty rare…there’s not a lot that i wouldn’t tell him or share with him…or not much that i would find difficult anyway… but there was ONE other 5 that I let him into and that was meeting BeetleyPete a few weeks ago. For me meeting Pete (and Mrs Pete) was important to ME. It involved going somewhere I usually go by myself…one of my happy places I suppose (which I don’t have many of now I live here) and introducing my husband to THE blogging legend himself. It was something I was looking forward to and I was almost a little bit protective of…something I didn’t want to be tainted by anything or anyone…something for me…which I allowed him into…something I shared with him. THAT was hard for me to do…but I did it…and nothing bad happened 🙂

Another thing his therapist had explained during that session was what he would feel like after divulging something of his; and so with this information and knowing how big this secret was for him I was prepared for what happened next. I knew how shit he would be feeling…and it was obvious that he was; He said he felt physically sick and that night he asked me NOT to cuddle him in bed (and apologised for asking lol) But i understood why he was being that way so did whatever I could to make him see that no matter what I was still here for him and that this secret had not and would not change anything. For the next few days he was a little bit ‘off’ but I was able to let him ride the wave without giving him too much shit for being in a mood and keep reassuring him without actually making a big deal out of it.

Its been a while since his 9…and he’s back to normal as far as the aftermath of it goes but he’s still not ready for his 10…and I am not pushing for it. Its good to know he felt safe enough to open up to me – and that I knew how to handle it once he did; I think – for us- this was a major breakthrough, I feel closer to him – almost smug actually lol- and I hope he feels closer to me too…but most importantly I hope I have shown him that it IS ok to let me in…because nothing bad happens when he does 🙂



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Isn’t it ironic? The Kill

Believe it or not things at home are going much better – aside from my anxiety mentioned here– but I thought I would share another ‘isn’t it ironic?’ post with you…its from the past which I dont like delving into on good days but I feel I need to air it…allow myself to get it out etc

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn’t take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I’m not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break…?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I’m not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

I first heard this song many years ago on the bus to school – at the time thanks to the crackling stereo and buzz of activity I misheard the lyrics as “marry me marry me” and instantly fell in love with the tune, the emotion… The power of it. For years I Googled “marry me marry me” but of course – seeing as these weren’t the lyrics I had no luck.

Over the years I suffered from depression, multiple overdoses, bad relationships and just shit times in general… But eventually I overcame them. After my last bad break-up (along with health problems) I was having a girly night in when THAT song came on one of the music channels …I saw Jared and fell in love all over again… With the song AND the beautiful beautiful man and it quickly became my favourite song EVER.

Its Powerful, I saw the positives in the lyrics…  ”This is who I really am inside… Finally found myself..’ he’s turned the song around and he’s overcome the rest of it… Just like I had done. There’s no point pretending or trying… Be yourself…cause you’ll end up breaking in the end so you may as well be true to yourself no matter what.

For years it still stuck as my favourite song ever…the type of song you would hear at any time ..any place and belt it out loudly (regardless of whether it was in tune or not) it was a song that gave me THAT feeling that only your favourite song could.

We even considered a slow version for our wedding…(there are some BEAUTIFUL slow versions of it which i listened to for hours to try and pick a fave) the focus being on the over coming…the realisation that after all the shit THIS is who i am…you make me who i am…you complete me…YOU love me as I am…However after needing to explain this to the few guests who were actually going to be there on the day we decided against it…bury me on your wedding day? ok fair enough…lets stick with the Jackson 5 then.

A few days after hubby dropped his bombshell (posted here if anyone missed it) i was driving home…completely numb and of course EVERY song on the radio had some kind of connection to our situation…. ‘end of the road‘...’tell me lies tell me sweet little lies…’ maybe not THOSE songs but still the same ironic shit…song after song after song. At the time i honestly felt like i was being set up on some hidden camera show or something. Anyway, sick of that I whacked on 30 Seconds to Mars and instantly I felt better.

I sang…LOUDLY…finally allowing some feeling to come back…but then i got to THAT line…

‘I tried to be someone else…but nothing seemed to change i know now this is who i REALLY am inside…finally found myself ;Fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I really am’ and the louder i sang the harder I cried (even writing this at least 2 months later it still makes me well up thinking about it)


There is was…in MY song…in MY favourite line…the truth…The irony… as if my husband had written it and sang it to me… he’s tried to be someone else, that didn’t work, he’s really really tried…but THIS is who he really is inside.

After i got home i sobbed…SO hard, another thing that was special to me had been tainted…taken away from me forever by him. The song that made me happy, the power that i would feel when i sang it…the line that meant so much to me and summed up my past has now taken on an entirely different meaning.

I cant sing that song anymore; it took a while before i could even hear it without sobbing…and now i can just about do that…I still love it…it still gives me THAT feeling…but i don’t think I’ll ever be able to sing it again.

Isn’t it funny how certain songs hold a certain meaning?



Posted by on May 26, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?


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Ignorance is bliss

Ignorance is Bliss

Ignorance is Bliss (Photo credit: Chi sin Gweilo)

He called his family last night. It was a skype call so despite trying to give him his privacy there are only so many doors I can close in this house in an attempt to block out his deep voice talking loudly at a computer screen – or the high pitched voices coming back. I always get emotional hearing his mother, so happy to hear from him, missing him, worrying about him…and hearing his monotone voice replying and saying nothing overly caring in return. Its heartbreaking. But last night it was emotional for a different reason.

He usually avoids calling his sister, they don’t usually get on, however last night they had a chat and I heard them laughing and joking with each other and I have to say it stung a bit. Not because I heard the old him coming out…but because these 2 women are blissfully unaware of whom they are really talking to…and I miss that!

These women miss the shit out of him, they cant wait to have him home; they ask how married life is going and he says the same every time ‘yeah it’s a going’ (with a chuckle on the end) which in turn is met with concerned questions and replies of ‘aww I know its hard…it’s a big change…’ IF ONLY THEY KNEW!

Sometimes I wish I didn’t know the truth because then I could be as happy as they are…and at the same time knowing that it’s a lie…it just reminds me of the times that we would have skype calls and he would laugh with me like that…and all of it was fake. Its such a painful realisation, its confusing being jealous of something you know isn’t real.

I wish I could call them and ask what the fuck went on when he was younger but morally I know its wrong and it wouldn’t help anything, all it would do is make them wonder why and make him trust me even less. But still I wish I could, to ask, to know and to let them know that I am not the reason he’s sounding miserable or the reason that he doesn’t talk much…I am not the one who has changed him.

The same goes for his friends. NO ONE knows any of the stuff we are going through; only a handful of people I know know…and of course they don’t know EVERYTHING and never will but it annoys me to think that his friends, the ones who knew him before he knew me are probably sat around at every event he decides not to go to and blaming me for changing him. Talking to each other about how things were before he met me, or how miserable I’ve made him by stopping him seeing his friends (I didnt)…because of course when we DO see them he puts on his happy act and I feel sick again.

He acts around friends, around my family, around HIS family…but he’s himself around me and I know I know its good that he’s not acting to me anymore and that he trusts me enough to be himself and confess all of this to me…but I still come off looking worse…and I still get jealous. Who wants to see their husband happier than ever around other people? – even if it IS fake? It still hurts. Even knowing that its not real, its so convincing that you just feel like the boring one, like the one who’s draining him every other day…even more so when he’s managing to have a nice (hilariously funny) conversation with the sister whom he cant stand to talk to! Its not my place to tell any of these people anything about him but I still have to answer to his friends about where I’ve been hiding him and why we don’t go out…I still have to lie…to cover for him and its horrible.

Of course he’s never ASKED me to lie for him but its not like I can say…’actually we have both been in therapy because his past is fucked up and he’s dragged me into it and lived a lie his entire life…consequently hanging out with people and lying to their faces on a regular basis hasn’t been top of my list of things to do so…you know how it is…’ – god I’d LOVE to say that lol.

I just cant stand the thought of people ‘blaming’ me for this stuff, it doesn’t seem fair to have to just lay down and take it for the sake of my husbands confidence/embarrassment/shame… If we split up and his friends asked him what happened all he would say is that ‘it didn’t work out’ …but that’s missing a massive chunk of what IT is…but he would never tell them. Its MY name being dragged through the mud and I don’t like it.

Which got me thinking. IF anything ever happened to me (not saying I think he’s going to kill me or I’m planning to kill myself lol) BUT in the future…if you see on the news that a bunch of Americans living in Britain came and kidnapped little old Beth to save their friend…or that I got hit by a low flying jet or something…can someone PLEASE stick up for me? You know, hunt my husbands friends or family down …or just the newspaper…and send them the link to my first blog post on here? Just so they know what REALLY happened.

I suppose Pete would be the best one for the job really seeing as he knows me and the ‘original’ me so it wouldn’t be too hard to see who I tweet regularly on the original and work your way backwards. No one knows I have this blog – except one person I know in real life (hi Stig btw)- so if anything happened to me then no one would ever know the truth…and that idea scares me…especially as at this rate it would probably say ‘ding dong the bitch is dead’ on my headstone lol. I will take this to my grave…but after that theres nothing stopping the world from knowing is there?



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Starting the ball rolling

Get the ball rolling

Get the ball rolling (Photo credit: temporalata)

I know what this “thing” is, I don’t know ALL details or the extent of the link between it and whatever happens in the bedroom….and I’m not sure I want to know … But I know I need to in order to understand it… And he definitely needs to talk to his therapist about it in order to do that. What I do understand is why he’s taken so long to come out with it… :/

He came home from his therapist appointment and I asked how it went.
He started telling his therapist everything and she stopped him and asked if he was comfortable telling her. He said no so she said she doesn’t want him to tell her until he’s comfortable (I believe this by the way, if he was going to lie about it he would have just said that he had told her… He knows I’m meeting with her soon anyway so lying would be pointless) they then went on to discuss his reasons why he’s not comfortable.

He said he doesn’t want telling anyone to take away or add from it. I asked him to clarify what he meant… Was the “it” the thoughts he had or…? He said no he was worried about our reactions and that it would change our opinions of him. I asked why he would care what we thought and he told me that he cared because its not nice stuff…it could then change his views on himself… His self worth… Which is already lower than low.

I asked what he thought would make him more comfortable… What would make him talk about it…? He said he doesn’t know and that that’s what they are working on in sessions from now on. She is also sending me an email with a link to an article about “people like him” so once I have that I’ll share it with you.

Apparently she asked him to list 3 positives about himself and he struggled so he told her that I had been asking him for a positive, genuine, good happy thing every other day…like I’ve written about here (he’s still been doing them btw I just haven’t blogged all of them) She said I was smart (yay me) and wants me to up it to three times a day. – challenge accepted.

I don’t know whether she wants me to ask him good things about himself or keep it as it is (and he wasn’t sure either) so I’ve contacted her to clarify – whether she’s allowed to or not I don’t know (probably not) so if that’s the case I’ll get him to call and ask himself.

So I suppose the main thing is that she now knows that there is a lot more to come, he’s admitted that much and started the ball rolling. Its frustrating as hell but…I get it.



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Somebody that I used to know

Make love

Make love (Photo credit: chloeloe)

The night after he surprised me by getting a little frisky (with me)… Skipping all details for your sake he did everything I had suggested in THAT text from the night before (see here for that post) without making it seem like a chore. To be fair he never does that purposely, he always makes an effort but this time he was so affectionate with it…that it was rather believable.

Caught up in the moment it was amazing to forgot everything for a while and just enjoy it… But then came his turn. I saw him glance around for the blindfold and my gut twisted but then I saw him almost shake it off (the habit) with a look of determination. He closed his eyes a few times – as we all do- and as his face changed in an attempt to bring himself back to reality I realised at that moment that these thoughts probably aren’t about busty blondes or naughty nurses, they’re something totally different, something that haunts him… Possibly from his childhood.

Much Later (and out of the bedroom) I told him to stand still while I stood behind him facing away – back to back.

*Deep breath* (his answers are in italics) I asked:
Why won’t you tell me what you think about when we are intimate? – Because it’s not nice.
The fact that you’re thinking about something else isn’t nice? or the thing you think about isn’t nice? – The thing I think about
Is it linked to the “thing” you aren’t ready to talk about? – Yes… I don’t want to talk about this anymore
Ok…Do you cover your eyes in order to shut me out completely because using me as a visual doesn’t do it for you? (laughs in shock) No!
So I do do it for you? – Yes!
And you want to be with me? Yes!
Scale of 1 to 10… 10!  (needy I know)

English: thinking

English: thinking (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sensing that these questions could go on forever he stopped me and said…
Baby… You are attractive to me, you DO do it for me and of course I want to be with you. I try and stay focused on you, its you that gets me in the mood in the first place and when I’m WITH you I’m thinking about you and focusing on your enjoyment… BUT when it’s my turn as much as I try… these other thoughts pop into my head and take over… Even when we aren’t being intimate, daily, they just get in there. I don’t want them to, but they do.I will tell you what it is… But I need to understand it myself first. The way I see it is I go to therapy… I tell her… She gives me her analysis or whatever and I then tell you… Can you please just let me do it that way? What is it that’s bothering you the most? Is it that you want to understand it or that you just want to KNOW it?

Again, his response surprised me in a good way and again I told him that by telling anyone nothing bad would happen, that it’s a good step and that it’s necessary. I said what’s bothering me is that I am totally unprepared, I have no clue…
‘Imagine I told you I had done something terrible… What would be your first thought?’
‘Exactly… ‘
‘Baby I haven’t killed anyone!’
‘Exactly! But you still thought it, you imagined something much worse than what I was thinking so by you telling me it’s something bad sends my mind wandering….It just scares me a little that I don’t know you :/’

He asked if he should leave and I said no.

He asked why and I said because I love you!
…But you don’t know me – Because you won’t let me in!
...Because I don’t want you to know me – Then why did you marry me?
...Because I want you to know the person I want to be… But I now realise i need to figure out who I actually am before I can get there… I will let you in… I will help you understand when I understand it myself.

I told him that whenever he was ready I would here to listen and I would try to understand it…but couldn’t promise anything. I reassured him that I wouldn’t be broadcasting it to my friends OR blogging about it and I mean that. Whatever this thing is.. This demon… It’s his, it’s not for me to tell the world the details of it (unless of course it turns out to be something hilarious like snails shagging) but somehow I don’t think that’s it. So for the record even when I know… I won’t be blogging the details. Sorry to disappoint but I dont think it would be right for me to do that …*sits back and waits for the unfollow spree to commence*

…there’s more to come



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#9 I’m glad you stayed

‘I’m glad you stayed’

Question Mark Graffiti

Question Mark Graffiti (Photo credit: Bilal Kamoon)

Those questions from THOSE arguments (here) and (here) kept niggling me…what is it that he thinks about while with me? What could be so bad  (according to him) that he wouldn’t tell me? What IS his secret?

I sat down with him, nervous and told him there was something I needed to ask him…one question -possibly 2 depending on his answer.He asked if- seeing as it was obviously going to be something he doesn’t want to talk about – it could be a yes or no answer. I said no…but it could be multiple choice. So I asked…

Is this ‘thing’…this bad thing…is it something you have done? Something someone did to you? Or something you witnessed happening?…He said none of the above.

I tried to question more but he answered with overly vague replies, so, with my mind blown I shut down. I could not take any more cryptic clues, I couldn’t pretend I was ok with not knowing anymore and I couldn’t continue to try and piece together the puzzle. With that I told him I was going to bed.

He asked why…because I wont tell you something that I’m not ready to talk about?

I shouldn’t have…but I exploded…
‘NO because I physically, mentally and emotionally can not take anymore, I do not have the energy to try to work this out, to try to understand something I’m clearly not going to know. I can not wonder anymore, I have no way of preparing myself for yet another bombshell which I KNOW is coming and its literally driving me crazy. I’m sorry, I understand that its hard for you but I DO need to know this ‘thing’ at some point, I’m not demanding to know right now but I DO need to know eventually…otherwise I cant stay with you.
I’m sorry but I just cant, I mean what is it that you think will happen if you tell? Do you think I will leave you? (maybe) do you think you’ll go to prison? (no) (phew) do you think you’ll be sectioned?? (possibly)
The chances are you WONT be sectioned IF you get help, IF you start talking to your therapist…HONESTLY….
You have all these people who love you, who want to help you and you wont let them do that. You need to help YOURSELF or this ‘thing’ will take over your life even more than it already has, you WILL be alone because you will push everyone away who gives a shit and you will let this thing WIN! Do NOT let it win!! Fucking fight it!


shout (Photo credit: Krista Baltroka)

By this point -as you can probably tell by the capitals I was shouting…and god it felt good…but then he spoke…

He said he understood that I would need to know, that I SHOULD know but that he has never had anyone to talk to about this stuff before and he is learning to talk about it with the help of his therapist. She is helping him open up one step at a time, it would take time but he wants to get to the point where he can overcome whatever ’it’ is, where he can understand himself and where he can be open with me….

For him that is a really good response. Usually he would have just walked away and given me space to calm down but he actually stuck up for himself, listened to me and responded in a way which showed that he realised the positives of going to therapy. He ‘gets’ that its necessary, he understands the point of it and he’s obviously taken in what she’s been saying in session. However, still in explosive mode I shot back ‘GOOD! It will be nice when you realise you CAN talk to me…your WIFE…the one you TRICKED INTO MARRYING YOU!!’


Even HE -the one who feels nothing- looked hurt :/ With that I went out for a breather and let it all sink in.
Shit…Well done Beth! Talk about risking undoing everything by not thinking before you shout!

I went back in. I apologised for saying the harsh stuff, explained that I could have worded it much better BUT its frustrating as fuck and I just want to help him. We cuddled up and of course considering the effect his cuddles usually have on me (see previous post here) I softened and allowed the tears of frustration to flow while he stroked my hair (wanker)

I told him that whatever IT was….it wouldn’t make me love him any less, it doesn’t necessarily mean ill stay regardless but whatever it was has happened, it cant be changed, but it doesn’t have to rule his life anymore.

He squeezed me and said ‘I’m glad you stayed, I’m glad you didn’t go to bed and I’m glad you told me that’ I was glad too…



Posted by on May 2, 2013 in Honestly...


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Washing up

broken dish

broken dish (Photo credit: Tuuur)

Once home from the counsellor I started doing the dishes… Angrily. I think it was a opinionated man …yup found it… who posted here  about positive anger and how much housework gets done when you’re pissed off. Whilst scrubbing twice as hard, wiping twice as fast and slamming them onto the draining board I couldn’t help smiling as I thought back about that post.

It’s true, it’s rather therapeutic and quite metaphorical too. I kept thinking – fine I may not be able to clear up the emotional bullshit… But at least I can literally wipe the crap off these plates… And hard too!
I plunged my hands into the bubbles and realised the water was way too hot… To the point of scolding… Hmm like my husband, nice and inviting on the outside but dangerous and hurty (it’s a word) the deeper you get…wanker!
I slammed down a plate and considered for a second that I could break it if I wasn’t careful… Hmm like my heart! Tough shit… At least it whittles out the shit crockery from the tough stuff lol.

It was so silly and over the top that I couldn’t help laughing out loud –cackling if you will- and feeling a little bit crazy at the same time.

He came in and asked me where I had been… ‘out’
Out where? ‘not here…’

Childish I know but I thought you know what…why SHOULD you know EVERYTHING about me ALL the time? I don’t know the basics about you and we are MARRIED! I can be vague too you know! I don’t DO playing games like that normally, usually I would just say it outright, id answer anything but that day I wanted to prove a point. You’re not having it today…now you can experience the frustration of not knowing the answer to a simple question.

He looked confused and surprised and I knew he felt he was entitled to know…just like I am. He gave an understanding ‘fair play’ nod and left it at that.

A week on he still doesn’t know where I went that day; I’m not proud; I have answered any other questions and been open about everything BUT that (so he doesn’t take it as an example of how we will be from now on)  I will tell him eventually, its not a big deal WHERE I went and I don’t want to force him into telling me things that he isn’t ready to talk about yet, but maybe the day I tell him and he realises that its nothing major he will understand just what its like to have your mind wander WAAAY further than reality.

Regardless…the dishes got done in record time 😉



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Bullshit Ahead warning in style of warning roa...

Bullshit Ahead warning in style of warning road sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

***If you’re having a nice relaxing morning then I suggest you avoid this post for now…apologies in advance for excessive swearing and exclaimation marks***

What’s the point? Why am I bothering putting myself through such utter bullshit?? (actual question btw- reassuring answers would be great right now)

The fear of wanking is taking its toll on me – like I said in a pervious post (here) every day I assume he’s doing it behind my back . He will tell me that he hasn’t … But why would I ever believe anything anymore? I flat out DON’T believe anything he says. Every time he looks me in the eye and tells me something I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he’s probably lying through his teeth – regardless of whether its about anything of importance or not.

It makes me feel sick knowing that I honestly can not tell the difference between a truth and a lie. He gives nothing away … And I’m fucking married to this man! A man who lies! Every single day! To the woman he married because he tricked her into believing he loved her.

How fucking cruel!

He initiated sex today. Our shifts left us with some free time and for once we actually took advantage of it. Without going into too much detail he will satisfy me and then I’ll return the favour. That’s the norm for us.
Usually it consists of one of us being blindfolded so that he doesn’t see me “pull any judgemental faces” and put him off… But lately it’s him blindfolded every time… To block me out entirely- mortifying. If the blindfold isn’t to hand he will go out of his way to cover his face and if that doesn’t work be just shuts his eyes the whole time.

It’s no secret that he thinks about porn while with me but for him to “use me” for a ‘visual‘… And then block it out in favour of other things… Well it’s shitty. So today I asked what it is he thinks about. Fuck it I want specifics, I want to know what exactly it is that he chooses over me, what it is that can do it for him while I can’t… And why shouldn’t I know? I wouldn’t be angry – we’ve already established its porn so WHAT else is it? What type? What kind? What fantasy? I just want SOMETHING that lets me in to his mind…but I got nothing.  He tried to deflect asking why I wanted to know etc, saying we had been over this before… And that sometimes he thinks of me.

Yes but what do you usually think about? – what did you think about THIS time?

He refused to tell me… Just like he refused to tell me what the source of all of this is…
There and then I told him its pointless, makes no sense and a is fucking joke, grabbed my keys and drove away as fast (but safely) as i could.


XBox (Photo credit: Sheryl’s Boys)

I’ve been sat in my car-  in my little bolt hole- for the past hour furiously smoking, writing this and trying to calm down. Thankfully I have my counselling session in an hour (which hubby doesn’t know i have booked) so I can go there before going home and give him a bit longer to sweat about it… Or just play Xbox… Or just wank all fucking day!

I’m Feeling like I really don’t know anything about my own husband and that’s really fucking stupid. Why am I still with him? What exactly am I getting out of it? Shall I just live with some guy I don’t really know and we will both lie to each other and pretend everything is fine?? Shall we sit in front of the fire and have deep and meaningful conversations about our past? Our present? Our hopes and dreams for the future?… No because it’s all bullshit anyway so why bother?

I know I know some things are allowed to be private…some fantasies are allowed to stay secret…to stay fantasies…but come on…I know NOTHING real about this guy! Besides, I’m not like that, I am an open book. I have told him everything, I WOULD tell him anything. I have literally given myself entirely to this guy is it really THAT unfair to ask for SOMETHING in return? He knew from the start that I was honest, that I don’t DO bullshit…

So how the fuck did I get to be in a situation like this??! I try not to think like this every single day, I try not to turn it round on to me, not to do the whole me me me why meeeee thing…I try to look for those silver linings, to find the positives and find SOMETHING good to (basically) hang on to but some days…like today I just cant ignore those kinds of questions. I’m not strong enough to keep it up every single day and fuck it…I’ll say it whilst doing my best spoilt brat tantrum foot stamp…It is not fair!

I see no silver linings in this… Just bullshit.

Hopefully I will be able to update this ‘explosion’ with something positive by the time it gets ‘published’


***update: Its been a few days since writing this and I have calmed a lot – to be fair I had calmed a lot by the time I went back home that day. I saw my counsellor who pointed out a few things and gave me plenty of food for thought- but I will leave that for a separate post. I did however figure out the silver lining in this -all by myself (be proud) and its this: He did NOT lie. When I asked him what he thought about he COULD have flat out lied; he COULD have said anything to make me feel great at the time…but he didnt. No he didnt tell me what it was, but he didnt lie about it either…and thats more than I can say for our past so I suppose that will have to be my focus on this one***


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Caught in the act

Caught in the act

Caught in the act (Photo credit: | spoon |)

The hypocrite post I wrote (here) really had you split; it was a hard situation and reading your comments helped me to see all points of view but didn’t bring me any closer to a final verdict… Luckily my husband made that choice for me.

I have mentioned before that all posts written after “the back-story” (part 1 here) are written as its happening; however trying to get you up to speed with that has meant that everything else is still about a week behind “real time”. The day “Am I a hypocrite?” was published was ironically the day my husband caught me blogging. He knew I was writing about the carrot (here) for the weekly writing challenge – which earned me a high five from him btw – but he then asked about “the other one”. It turns out he had been using my phone when a notification of a comment from the legend himself Beetleypete flashed up and he had figured out the rest -So I blame/thank you Pete lol you damn lovely man with your continuous support!! 😉

And so I told him. I told him I had started a whole new blog, a blog that no one we actually know knew about and that i had been writing about what had been going on with us because I need to and I want to. It’s either that or i shout about it to everyone I know. I explained that I wasn’t on here slagging him off or taking the piss out of him and that It’s something for me, it’s my therapy, my support network and my way to get through it.

He shook his head, told me that was his “disapproving face” and the conversation was dropped there. It was about as awkward as the time I broke the news to my mother that i was getting married (yay) but that she wasn’t invited (boo) *awkward* However within a matter of minutes we were back to normal -kisses and cuddles and kicking arse on Call of Duty.

Later I asked if he was mad at me and he said he wasn’t so I left it at that and so far he hasn’t said anything more about it. I have a feeling curiosity will get the better of him and he will ask SOMETHING about it at some point BUT I feel better now that it’s “out”. I know I had the intention of telling him at some point but hiding it made me feel awful so, although a little premature, at least it’s done, I can stop being so damn secretive and finally re establish my original -honest and open- morals.


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