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It’s been one year….

20130318-121902-AM.jpgIt’s been a year since the shit hit the fan…. so it seems only fitting that I write a post.

I feel I owe it to myself to revisit this blog -to face my demons- but also to anyone still out there wondering ‘what ever happened to Beth?’ so…here I am…and this is what happened

In July we had our first wedding anniversary…I had been anxious about it but we celebrated by burning some bad memories – those in the form of diary entries, letters which held dark confessions and even photos or ‘happy book’ pages which made me feel sick looking back on. Not because the times themselves were bad…but once you find out that most of your relationship has been a lie things kind of take a sour turn.

We took our burn-iversary as a fresh start; a chance to put as many of those bad feelings as we could behind us and instead focus on moving forward…on how to make things better and how to make new…REAL…memories. At the time I was still feeling uneasy, emotions were up and down constantly; some days all I could think about was what he had done whereas others it didn’t even cross my mind.

It was during one of these ‘up’ streaks that we had news from his work that we would have to leave for America….in September! As you can imagine my heart was in my stomach. I had given our marriage one year from THAT day to figure out whether I stayed or we went our separate ways…now I had a matter of weeks to make up my mind!?

One thing that kept nagging me was this gut-wrenching feeling whenever I considered NOT going with him. By this time I was past any “what would people think?” “what would I tell my mother?” crap and had learnt to focus on what I wanted and not what society would find alarming. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to try…but there was so much to do, so much upheaval… this was an international move…I would need a visa…I had loose ends to tie up…I would have to quit the job I loved….

Shit Happens - By ComfortablyNumb

Shit Happens – By ComfortablyNumb

I chewed it over and over -AND OVER…I spoke to my best friend – the only person (offline) who knows EVERYTHING about our situation- and she reminded me that I could always come home if shit went wrong again. Eventually I told my dad and my step-dad about my doubts, hinting that things weren’t peachy between us; I spoke to a good friend from the blogging world…they all said the same… “you can always come home” and “you would regret NOT giving it a go”

So…I went.

Through a series of events with work, visa applications and an unrelated court case the moving date was postponed for a month here and another month there -It was stressful to say the least but we got here in the end and so far I am NOT regretting it.

HOWEVER…(did you see that one coming?) with everything going on with the move the therapy, counseling and everything that goes with it has been put on the back burner. It’s not that we are ignoring the fact that we need to carry on working on things – believe me he made sure I knew that he WILL keep seeing someone and I made sure HE knew that if he didn’t I would have his balls in a vice-it’s just that with any move its stressful and expensive so we have to wait until it’s more feasible to go (and keep going) to sessions in order to make them count.

That being said… I’m bloody dreading it. Its been so nice NOT having to think about shit for a few months. The move has pushed us together and grounded my feelings for him; the stresses of everything have taught us to work together and communicate more than we ever did – I mean yeah there’s still that mars/Venus divide but as far as US as a couple we are much stronger – at least as far as I’m concerned. I suppose I’m finding the idea of going from pretend-ignorant-bliss back to shock-horror-here’s-another-bombshell rather unsettling…but who wouldn’t? As for ‘deeper’ progress there have been a few small victories for us…though reading this back they’re actually rather big.

yeah right lol

yeah right lol

Before we left England he had started feeling more physically (in the bedroom) but it was still rare. Now, however it’s probably 90% of the time. The sensation doesn’t last long but the fact that the frequency has increased massively means we must be doing something right (yay us!) This is a massive confidence boost for me, I don’t feel as rushed to ‘get it over with before he starts yawning’ and I can sometimes tell when it’s happening for him. We did have a type of code but that always reminded us of the ‘issue’ so now we just roll with it and see what happens.

We are a little more spontaneous with it, definitely more passionate/romantic and generally more relaxed…more loving. It’s like we are both actually present…we make eye contact…more kissing…I don’t feel like a hooker! Of course some days it all hits me again that this isn’t a ‘normal’ sex life and that for most couples it’s a lot ‘easier’ for them…but then I remind myself that it’s OURS, it’s working for us…and at least I don’t have a problem with a partner who is done in a few minutes ha ha (sorry but I have to laugh)

Out of the bedroom he is more caring too; he now has a phone and actually texts me during the daytime which has made such a big difference. He leaves notes for me sometimes when he heads off to work and he picks up a little something now and again if he stops off to get petrol or whatever on his way home. He told me a few months ago during a heart to heart that he now genuinely likes cuddles and missed the ones I used to give him; he had started feeling ‘less loved’ by me than before and cared enough -or felt enough- to actually say something about it (I had started blocking myself without realising.) He was honest enough to tell me things that he knew I wouldn’t like hearing -rather than lying to keep me happy) and said openly that he still needed to work some things out with a professional..

I still have issues with porn…like I said…who wouldn’t after everything? I have some filters set up on his phone and on the computer (with his permission – nothing sneaky) but we both agree that neither of us are ready for them to be removed – again not something I LIKED hearing but at least he was honest about it. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t deleted this blog, I don’t like that I WILL be posting on here more frequently once the therapy starts…but its the truth and I have to face it. I still have days where I remember that we do have a lot of work to do (and he agrees) and it hurts like hell but at least we realize this and aren’t just sweeping it under the carpet for good.

Yes there is a LOT of work to be done but we both know that and WILL get back into the swing of it once we are settled with everything else. For now…I am happy that we are making progress on our own. The bottom line in all of this? I’m glad I came with him, I’m glad I gave it a shot and I’m certain I want to keep working on it.

I am so sorry for dropping off the face of the…blogging-world. I have missed you guys, but I can’t lie I’m not looking forward to being back…I will be back though, just not yet.

xBx

 
19 Comments

Posted by on February 25, 2014 in The Present -How things are

 

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Deep Breath

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.

stress

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

WELCOME TO MY WORLD (Photo credit: FUNKYAH)

He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued

xBx

 
 

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#12 Here’s looking at YOU

Cut Eye

Cut Eye (Photo credit: lindes)

One of the big highs over the last month I suppose was when we made some progress in the bedroom. I’m not sure how many of you would consider what I am about to tell you a ‘high point’. What we do is by no means ‘normal’ but its what works for us in our situation and has progressed and evolved to suit us over time. Of course its still not ideal but you work with what you’ve got don’t you?

Usually we would have intercourse and then I would straddle him and ‘give him a hand’ to him help him finish. It worked but the lack of eye contact made me feel shit. Over time we had removed barriers and things got better but every now and then the insecurities and embarrassment crept back in. – I posted about that here

Well for a while its been difficult, both going through stages of awkwardness, emotions making it either amazing or non existent… Triggers preventing me from wanting to do what we usually do so for a while we had “normal” sex and after he would “do himself” while I lay with him kissing him (and him kissing back) for us that worked. (Again I posted here about it) We both had fun and we both got the release which usually comes from sex. For us – with our history considered it was a mini breakthrough… Knowing he would still climax with me kissing him and touching him… Being there with him in a loving way and not just another hand helping him out.

Well at some point I was laying next to him and just kept thinking how wrong all of this was, THIS was not what I pictured my sex life to be like… my marriage to be like…I felt so irrelevant… So unnecessary… So useless. I could feel my stomach turning and my eyes watering and realised this wasn’t the first time I had felt like this…THIS was turning into a trigger for me. It was at that point that I thought…NO! This needs to stop now. I am NOT going to let myself feel like this, I am NOT going to do this more often than I want to just to stop myself worrying about him sneaking off for a wank if I say no! I will NOT lay here and feel like shit to -in essence- cock block my own husband – I shouldn’t fucking have to! At the end of the day if he WANTS to sneak off for some DIY then he will regardless of whether we went through this 2 days before or 2 hours before…there is nothing I can do about it and really what good is it doing? its not, its giving him a release and every time its making ME feel worse…its letting him have it his way while my confidence slams lower and lower every time he squeezes his eyes shut to block ME out! that is not taking care of myself. I either need to take control of this and protect myself or get the hell out before I get dragged down any further, I can not live this way forever.

I said nothing about it to him and instead vowed to say no more often, to say no unless i was actually in the mood for it, unless i felt confident enough for it…WANTED enough. no kind of game playing involved here by the way, this wasn’t some kind of ‘turn him down to make him want me’ game…this was me growing a pair and putting my foot down. So for the next few nights I said no. I told him I would rather ‘cuddle’ tonight (lol) and in truth it WAS nice just cuddling and talking, it took away that anxiety.

Eventually, I felt stronger again and we did our thing and instantly I felt better for holding off on it, it felt less wrong and more right. Obviously the set up was the same but I was doing it because I wanted to which took away a massive amount of doubt and insecurity. This time the kissing was more passionate too – rather than going through the motions…it was more intense…more enjoyable. Afterwards we lay together and out of nowhere he said

 ‘you did that’

-Not understanding what he meant he explained that he had been thinking about me/us the majority of the time rather than focusing on those intrusive thoughts (that he wont tell me as he’s ashamed of them) Surprised and confused – as before he could only really ‘get off’ if he let those thoughts take over and any ‘normal’ (according to him) thoughts were pushed aside- he explained that the more we have been doing it like this…kissing etc he’s been thinking more and more about us rather than the other stuff.

THAT was amazing to hear, he had offered up that fact without me asking for it, he told me because HE felt good about it…proud i suppose as until this point for him those thought have been all he’s ever had so for him to be able to push past that was a breakthrough for him…and sharing it with me was a breakthrough for US too. It reminded me that while I cant always see – or don’t always realise- the baby steps we are making…HE is making his own and when he is ready he will tell me.

Eyes Wide Open (Gotye song)

Eyes Wide Open (Gotye song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For a while after that we were feeling positive, our confidence grew and I even ventured back to our original ways without feeling sick about it. One of the things that had kept putting me off was the lack of eye contact so I had almost trained myself to not make eye contact with him during ‘his turn’ – to avoid seeing him squeeze his eyes shut so tightly I suppose :/ But like I’ve said before we all close our eyes when we are in the moment, we all have random/irrelevant thoughts coming in and out of our heads sometimes…the difference being that we don’t always SHARE them and most of us don’t have thoughts that overrule everything else.

Well…recently he’s been keeping his eyes open 🙂 and he can still manage to climax lol. Again, he made a point of telling me (in case I hadn’t noticed) because HE felt good about it and because HE was making progress with his own demons. Of course its not nice to have felt like this before and making eye contact with your wife…or just being able to LOOK at your wife whilst being intimate shouldn’t be a big deal…but for us it is and ultimately its not about the way I look, it’s not ME putting him off. This is a big step for him towards letting go of the things that hold him back, towards letting ME in to his world…

xBx

 
16 Comments

Posted by on July 4, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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Kiss me quick

French Kiss

French Kiss (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been racking my brain as to how to improve the whole bedroom situation thing and last week we had a mini breakthrough. Prepare for TMI by the way, possibly an unnecessary post but its been on my mind, it’s a definite improvement and therefore I feel its justified (lol)

As I’ve mentioned before I *accidentally* misplaced the blindfold…and after my breakdown a few weeks ago (posted here) my husband now knew exactly how that fucking blindfold made me feel. Well… one night he initiated ‘stuff’ and when it came to ‘his turn’ my stomach turned anxiously. Noting this he took charge and pleasured himself WITH me…rather than me doing it for him and feeling all exposed etc.

Lying there next to him…yeah it was a turn on but I was still very conscious of feeling like I should avoid eye contact with him….firstly because I know he feels judged and embarrassed by it (and the fact that he cant ‘finish the job normally’) and secondly because I couldn’t bear to see him squeeze his eyes shut to block me out and let the intrusive thoughts take control.

And then it dawned on me… the whole time we have been doing this there is never any touching…caressing….anything other than the job at hand (excuse the pun) probably through fear of stopping what we set out to do. We had started like this in order to take baby steps of making each other comfortable, of building up our confidence and we had been doing OK…but then the whole revelation had happened (posted here) and the bedroom issue was pushed aside…we had stopped moving things forward…we were stuck in a rut.

So…I made the first move…I leaned towards him…and kissed him *shocking I know(!)*

And oh my god what a difference! It made the whole experience feel SO much more natural, he kept going and we kept kissing or -as I told my counsellor- ‘snogging the shit out of each other’. I mean, we kiss all the time outside of the bedroom, we often have long ‘make out sessions’ and when its ‘my turn’…when we have sex.. we kiss the whole way through but for him…when its down to him…its just never happened because I suppose we have both been concentrating on the end result. It worked anyway, he got his happy ending (lol) and I was involved in that even more than normal which felt great…and since then its been that way every time.

As mentioned I did tell my counsellor and he said that its great news…the fact that he’s controlled by these thoughts…that that’s all he can think about while with me…but could still finish with me kissing him -and him kissing back passionately- is a really good sign. If this thing is so ‘different’ then my kissing him didn’t take away from that or add to it…

My husband said it was different when we kissed during…but it still worked and thinking about it I find it difficult to concentrate on kissing while concentrating on other areas too so to be honest I’m rather impressed.

Definitely a step forward

xBx

 
 

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Somebody that I used to know

Make love

Make love (Photo credit: chloeloe)

The night after he surprised me by getting a little frisky (with me)… Skipping all details for your sake he did everything I had suggested in THAT text from the night before (see here for that post) without making it seem like a chore. To be fair he never does that purposely, he always makes an effort but this time he was so affectionate with it…that it was rather believable.

Caught up in the moment it was amazing to forgot everything for a while and just enjoy it… But then came his turn. I saw him glance around for the blindfold and my gut twisted but then I saw him almost shake it off (the habit) with a look of determination. He closed his eyes a few times – as we all do- and as his face changed in an attempt to bring himself back to reality I realised at that moment that these thoughts probably aren’t about busty blondes or naughty nurses, they’re something totally different, something that haunts him… Possibly from his childhood.

Much Later (and out of the bedroom) I told him to stand still while I stood behind him facing away – back to back.

*Deep breath* (his answers are in italics) I asked:
Why won’t you tell me what you think about when we are intimate? – Because it’s not nice.
The fact that you’re thinking about something else isn’t nice? or the thing you think about isn’t nice? – The thing I think about
Is it linked to the “thing” you aren’t ready to talk about? – Yes… I don’t want to talk about this anymore
Ok…Do you cover your eyes in order to shut me out completely because using me as a visual doesn’t do it for you? (laughs in shock) No!
So I do do it for you? – Yes!
And you want to be with me? Yes!
Scale of 1 to 10… 10!  (needy I know)

English: thinking

English: thinking (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sensing that these questions could go on forever he stopped me and said…
Baby… You are attractive to me, you DO do it for me and of course I want to be with you. I try and stay focused on you, its you that gets me in the mood in the first place and when I’m WITH you I’m thinking about you and focusing on your enjoyment… BUT when it’s my turn as much as I try… these other thoughts pop into my head and take over… Even when we aren’t being intimate, daily, they just get in there. I don’t want them to, but they do.I will tell you what it is… But I need to understand it myself first. The way I see it is I go to therapy… I tell her… She gives me her analysis or whatever and I then tell you… Can you please just let me do it that way? What is it that’s bothering you the most? Is it that you want to understand it or that you just want to KNOW it?

Again, his response surprised me in a good way and again I told him that by telling anyone nothing bad would happen, that it’s a good step and that it’s necessary. I said what’s bothering me is that I am totally unprepared, I have no clue…
‘Imagine I told you I had done something terrible… What would be your first thought?’
‘Murder?’
‘Exactly… ‘
‘Baby I haven’t killed anyone!’
‘Exactly! But you still thought it, you imagined something much worse than what I was thinking so by you telling me it’s something bad sends my mind wandering….It just scares me a little that I don’t know you :/’

He asked if he should leave and I said no.

He asked why and I said because I love you!
…But you don’t know me – Because you won’t let me in!
...Because I don’t want you to know me – Then why did you marry me?
...Because I want you to know the person I want to be… But I now realise i need to figure out who I actually am before I can get there… I will let you in… I will help you understand when I understand it myself.

I told him that whenever he was ready I would here to listen and I would try to understand it…but couldn’t promise anything. I reassured him that I wouldn’t be broadcasting it to my friends OR blogging about it and I mean that. Whatever this thing is.. This demon… It’s his, it’s not for me to tell the world the details of it (unless of course it turns out to be something hilarious like snails shagging) but somehow I don’t think that’s it. So for the record even when I know… I won’t be blogging the details. Sorry to disappoint but I dont think it would be right for me to do that …*sits back and waits for the unfollow spree to commence*

…there’s more to come

xBx

 

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Textual Feeling

XXXtreme Bulge

XXXtreme Bulge (Photo credit: War Crimes)

I gave my ex a hard-on the other day… Not intentionally but we bumped into each other, made small-talk and simply hugged goodbye. I had been dressed in some really unattractive clothes, no makeup, unwashed hair… Come on I was having a bad day! Lol anyway once we had parted ways he text to say I looked nice and then not so subtly hinted at the effect i had had on him…Of course I brushed it off and told him to stop being so cheeky but in all honestly it felt nice! It was good to know I’ve still got it lol.

My husband and I went on a date last week (It was a really lovely night and to be honest I cant remember why I didnt blog about it) I wore a slinky new black number for the occasion. He told me I looked beautiful – he says it even when I’m looking like shit to be fair but I’m very aware of the fact he never says I’m sexy. He never has and at first it was charming and romantic and sweet…maybe its just not in his vocabulary and I know I know being told I’m beautiful is great and all… But sometimes it would be nice to feel lusted after by my own husband. Now I’m wondering whether the only thing in his mind which he would describe as sexy are the fantasies he’s too ashamed to share with me.

Last week once all was calmer I got brave…I text my husband while he was at work. I guess you could say the text was a bit naughty and without going into detail it listed a few things newlyweds should be doing -and would be doing once he got home.

After pressing send the anxiety set in…. I realised he would probably rather chop his knob off than come home to that and on top of that the chances are his mind wouldn’t be on us anyway :/ The closer it came to home-time the more my insecurities battered me; its the equivalent of looking forward to a romantic, candlelit love making session… (maybe not THAT cheesy but just humour me) and your husband turns up with an unwashed 70yr old hooker expecting a threesome… It’s just not going to happen (for me anyway). Feeling physically sick I text him again:

‘That’s what I would say if I thought even for a second that it would make you want to come home.
Its what i would say if i had any self esteem left at all…
Its what i would say if i were married to someone who respected me (as far as sex etc) at all, to someone who appreciated what he had, to someone who could be completely honest with me every day…
But that’s not the case- and chances are you didn’t bother reading it anyway so it looks like its saved you a job.
Dinner is on the side, please put the rest in the fridge when you’re done.
Laptop is in the living room.
I’m going to bed’

I thought fuck it, the cons of going through with it massively outweigh the pros right now – plus my migraine was on its way so I drugged myself up and went to bed.

English: A man handcuffed to the handle of a l...

English: A man handcuffed to the handle of a loudspeaker. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s just horrible. I just want plain, boring, normal sex! (not saying all he wants is me in skimpy outfits etc lol) but I’m fed up of trying to coax him into bed, especially as once we get there all the issues that led to this are magnified. The sad thing is that most of the “requests” in the text were really simple things, my fantasies don’t involve strangers seducing me on balconies or handcuffing me to the railings… Mine involve my husband coming home and actually WANTING to sleep with me, with him taking control and taking charge, him being satisfied… Thats what I fantasize about…Fact. How sad!

I remember the days I had simple sex, quick sex, yeah no happy ending (for me) sex but regular and it was fun (while it lasted lol) plus at least HE was happy at the end of it and that in itself used to make me feel great. Yes it was frustrating for me sometimes but I still enjoyed it, we both enjoyed it… And yet here I am, with the only man in the world who has ever satisfied me fully… And he doesn’t enjoy it…because he doesnt feel it and that in itself is sad :/ So add all those factors in and you have 2 people who don’t enjoy sex anymore… Yeah I’m glad I retracted that text.

Half asleep (and drowsy from meds) I heard him come home and head straight for the living room, my heart sank… He’s actually going to do it 😦 But then the footsteps came and I felt him stroke my forehead and ask if I was feeling poorly. I told him about my head and that I was just feeling rubbish about everything. He gave me cuddles and kisses but said nothing about the text(s)

Once he had gone again I felt a mixture of emotions, why hadn’t he said anything else? What was he thinking? Was he pleased?? As I drifted off I heard it….

*beep beep beep beep*

Shit! His phone! The battery had died, he’s just charged it…and NOW he’s reading the message…THAT’S why he didn’t say anything.

I felt him sliding into bed beside me, cuddling up, kissing me and squeezing me so tight. He told me he had read the messages, that he didn’t want me to feel that way …but he didn’t blame me (wasn’t surprised) that I did. He said he hated that he had done this to my confidence and would figure out a way to prove me wrong and make me feel better.

Too tired – in more ways than one- to react or discuss it right then I nodded, promised myself I would tell him everything in person tomorrow- and drifted back to sleep

To be continued…

xBx

 

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Making an ASS of U and ME

English: Symbol for one that is both male and ...

English: Symbol for one that is both male and female (hermaphrodite). Français : Symbole pour tout ce qui est male et femelle à la fois (hermaphrodite). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been wondering about this recently and figured I may as well post it now – if only for the sake of  lifting the mood a little.

Reading blogs on my phone I have come to recognise gravatars – as you do- from comments or just the blog posts themselves.However going from that to the actual site and seeing the layouts, fonts and colours that go with each of your blogs has well and truly thrown me… Why? Because I didn’t for a second ever question whether you were male or female – not that it matters of course.

I then remembered that none of us know anything about each other (physically) really, aside from those whom actually post photos of themselves of course; and that  is the beauty of blogging I suppose… and yet with those bloggers whom are a little more camera shy we still make up images of what the faces behind the blogs actually look like.

Take beetlypete for example (sorry Pete) He’s a legend, I feel like I know him, he’s part of my blogging family and – despite never having seen him- I have an image of what he looks like in my mind. But the reality could be entirely different, he could be a 6ft 6 Mexican woman for all I know (though the recent mention of his penis would suggest otherwise lol) but regardless it wouldn’t matter- it’s just strange how we put 2 and 2 together and come out with whatever we want.

It’s like in any book I suppose, you envisage the character in your own way (and are usually disappointed by the actor or actress who portrays them in the film because it’s not what you imagined) but then most books describe the characters physical appearance… Or at least hint at it, just like with Pete, he’s given clues as to what he looks like, he’s blogged openly about his marriage and he’s mentioned on numerous occasions that he’s a man. Of course he could be lying for all we know but that’s another issue which I daren’t get into considering my experience of being fooled by people lol

Some bloggers don’t though, they don’t mention their sex …but it’s done in such a way that you don’t notice it… Until now mwahahaha

I remember at school we read the  book “stig of the dump” I don’t recall the story line at all but you don’t realise until the end that there has been no confirmation of whether the character is male or female, you just assume the whole way through and then get a surprise at the end (sorry for those who were waiting to read it lol)

So, back on point… Just out of interest…Who are you? Or in other words are you male or female? OR are you trying to keep it a secret?

For anyone out there wondering….I am female

xBx

 
 

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Bullshit!!

Bullshit Ahead warning in style of warning roa...

Bullshit Ahead warning in style of warning road sign (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

***If you’re having a nice relaxing morning then I suggest you avoid this post for now…apologies in advance for excessive swearing and exclaimation marks***

What’s the point? Why am I bothering putting myself through such utter bullshit?? (actual question btw- reassuring answers would be great right now)

The fear of wanking is taking its toll on me – like I said in a pervious post (here) every day I assume he’s doing it behind my back . He will tell me that he hasn’t … But why would I ever believe anything anymore? I flat out DON’T believe anything he says. Every time he looks me in the eye and tells me something I feel sick to my stomach knowing that he’s probably lying through his teeth – regardless of whether its about anything of importance or not.

It makes me feel sick knowing that I honestly can not tell the difference between a truth and a lie. He gives nothing away … And I’m fucking married to this man! A man who lies! Every single day! To the woman he married because he tricked her into believing he loved her.

How fucking cruel!

He initiated sex today. Our shifts left us with some free time and for once we actually took advantage of it. Without going into too much detail he will satisfy me and then I’ll return the favour. That’s the norm for us.
Usually it consists of one of us being blindfolded so that he doesn’t see me “pull any judgemental faces” and put him off… But lately it’s him blindfolded every time… To block me out entirely- mortifying. If the blindfold isn’t to hand he will go out of his way to cover his face and if that doesn’t work be just shuts his eyes the whole time.

It’s no secret that he thinks about porn while with me but for him to “use me” for a ‘visual‘… And then block it out in favour of other things… Well it’s shitty. So today I asked what it is he thinks about. Fuck it I want specifics, I want to know what exactly it is that he chooses over me, what it is that can do it for him while I can’t… And why shouldn’t I know? I wouldn’t be angry – we’ve already established its porn so WHAT else is it? What type? What kind? What fantasy? I just want SOMETHING that lets me in to his mind…but I got nothing.  He tried to deflect asking why I wanted to know etc, saying we had been over this before… And that sometimes he thinks of me.

Yes but what do you usually think about? – what did you think about THIS time?

He refused to tell me… Just like he refused to tell me what the source of all of this is…
There and then I told him its pointless, makes no sense and a is fucking joke, grabbed my keys and drove away as fast (but safely) as i could.

XBox

XBox (Photo credit: Sheryl’s Boys)

I’ve been sat in my car-  in my little bolt hole- for the past hour furiously smoking, writing this and trying to calm down. Thankfully I have my counselling session in an hour (which hubby doesn’t know i have booked) so I can go there before going home and give him a bit longer to sweat about it… Or just play Xbox… Or just wank all fucking day!

I’m Feeling like I really don’t know anything about my own husband and that’s really fucking stupid. Why am I still with him? What exactly am I getting out of it? Shall I just live with some guy I don’t really know and we will both lie to each other and pretend everything is fine?? Shall we sit in front of the fire and have deep and meaningful conversations about our past? Our present? Our hopes and dreams for the future?… No because it’s all bullshit anyway so why bother?

I know I know some things are allowed to be private…some fantasies are allowed to stay secret…to stay fantasies…but come on…I know NOTHING real about this guy! Besides, I’m not like that, I am an open book. I have told him everything, I WOULD tell him anything. I have literally given myself entirely to this guy is it really THAT unfair to ask for SOMETHING in return? He knew from the start that I was honest, that I don’t DO bullshit…

So how the fuck did I get to be in a situation like this??! I try not to think like this every single day, I try not to turn it round on to me, not to do the whole me me me why meeeee thing…I try to look for those silver linings, to find the positives and find SOMETHING good to (basically) hang on to but some days…like today I just cant ignore those kinds of questions. I’m not strong enough to keep it up every single day and fuck it…I’ll say it whilst doing my best spoilt brat tantrum foot stamp…It is not fair!

I see no silver linings in this… Just bullshit.

Hopefully I will be able to update this ‘explosion’ with something positive by the time it gets ‘published’

xBx

***update: Its been a few days since writing this and I have calmed a lot – to be fair I had calmed a lot by the time I went back home that day. I saw my counsellor who pointed out a few things and gave me plenty of food for thought- but I will leave that for a separate post. I did however figure out the silver lining in this -all by myself (be proud) and its this: He did NOT lie. When I asked him what he thought about he COULD have flat out lied; he COULD have said anything to make me feel great at the time…but he didnt. No he didnt tell me what it was, but he didnt lie about it either…and thats more than I can say for our past so I suppose that will have to be my focus on this one***

 
 

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Me Vs Porn

body lesson

body lesson (Photo credit: chick in heels)

I had a rather shitty day or 2 this week, One thing in particular had been niggling me and I’m not sure what word I would use to describe it other than pissed off.I resent him for making me think less of myself.

As someone who spent so long struggling to feel confident being myself around others it’s more than a little upsetting to be thrown so far backwards. I was outgoing, I was fun and I laughed a lot. Now I’ve gone into a shell and I want to get out but I know when I do that will be messy. All of this has made me doubt myself, my personality, my appearance.

When your new husband isn’t interested in you at all (sexually) it’s absolutely shattering. To slip into bed and have no appeal to a man you married less than a year ago… Or to make an effort, hair, makeup, best push up bra on earth… And still nothing is a horrible horrible feeling.

Yeah sometimes it happens, but the whole time I’m very conscious of the fact he’s doing it for my benefit ad getting nothing out of it. I’m reminded every single time that I do nothing for him – sexually, that I’m not good enough, that I’m redundant in bed; that he’s thinking about porn when he’s with me… and that’s not me being self conscious or fishing for attention… That’s a FACT! To know that and to know that porn is the answer for him… Well how would you feel?

I asked him how he would feel if I met up with someone else for sex 3 times a week…not because I would but because in my mind THAT’S the equivalent of how I feel (emotionally) about him doing what he does and I wanted to see how he would like it… his heart raced, his mouth dried and all he responded with was…’who would it be?’  *urgh* he told me that he didn’t think it would bother him…but his physical – subconscious- response tells me otherwise…which I guess is my silver lining from that conversation.

Love Your Body!

Love Your Body! (Photo credit: wadem)

He’s on leave for 2 weeks so he’s now home while I’m not and I hate it. The thought of being turned down and replaced by porn … It makes me feel sick! I feel so shit; every day I worry about it and my anxiety levels are through the roof from that alone…I am so scared that this worry alone will push me away entirely. But at the same time I understand it. I get that he physically feels nothing so why else would he be interested – apart from to please me? I get that he gets frustrated by it and needs a release where he doesn’t have to act… I understand it but it still doesn’t make me feel any better. It doesn’t change that this is the reality of our marriage… And It sucks ass!

I’ve been in relationships where I got nothing from them (emotionally) yet the sex was amazing… I’ve been in relationships where sex was pretty much non existent but other than that the guy was marriage material, caring, loving and so so considerate of my feelings… And yet I walked away. I knew i deserved better. I deserved to feel – to BE- loved AND desired and I vowed to never settle for anything less… So how is it that I’m MARRIED to someone who doesn’t make me feel either of those??

I can’t change that but god it’s annoying! Why!? Why marry someone you’re not attracted to? Why bring anyone else into a situation you’re very well aware of?

I hate thinking about all of this, I hate that there is nothing I can do to stop thinking these thoughts. I wish I could be put into an artificial coma so I could sleep until something happens, some kind of result is achieved … But I can’t do that and I need to find a way to accept it.

The only thing keeping me going is hope. Hope that therapy will help him rediscover his emotions, that those emotions will change something physically and that his desire to be with me surfaces… But how long do I wait?

xBx

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Part 8: The truth comes out

Heartbroken

Heartbroken (Photo credit: buckofive)

The next week was interesting, I liked the idea of teasing him and building up to the moment the ban was lifted, he however wasn’t so keen to be teased and instead impressed me with his self control. So much so that that weekend I visited a friend and trusted him alone at home with all the equipment for a bit of DIY but the promise that he wouldn’t.

The day of the ban lift arrived, we saw our counsellor and established that – like we already knew- taking sex out of the equation didn’t change anything. We were still strong regardless. That night we were excited, this time we had actually made it a whole week so this was the moment if truth… But still no joy.

I admit it was an anticlimax in more ways than one. I had been hopeful but still he felt nothing. I was annoyed that after all this time we were only figuring this out now. If he had stayed true to his word before then we could have crossed it ff the list months ago and gotten all of this disappointment out of the way. Oh well at least we knew now and we were still satisfied one way or another.

The next morning I felt better, he was at work and I mustered up the motivation to start working on my resume. I logged on and (my heart is beating so hard just thinking about it) the first thing I found was… You guessed it… Porn! For fucks sake!!

I had messaged him just moments before telling him how great the night before was, how we would figure something out and I would support him regardless… What a fucking idiot.

Shocked I stared at the screen and a message popped up from him for me telling me he loved me. Instantly I replied calling him every name under the sun. He pretended he didn’t know what I was talking about so I asked why PORN would be the first thing on my screen??!

The messages stopped.

I was devastated… What an utter wanker! … Literally! The morning after.. Less than 24 hours later and he was back at it again! Within what seemed like minutes he was banging on the front door having left work to sort this out.

“Here I am… I’m sick… I’m disgusting”
I asked him why. He said he didn’t know.
I asked him how many times he had watched it since the ban was put into place… 3!
I asked him where he did it.. And where I was. He said I didn’t want to know.
I demanded. Once at home while I was at my friends. Once this morning while I was upstairs sleeping and once in the car outside work one morning!
Shaking I asked what he used while in the car. He said nothing… just his thoughts.
I asked what he thought about. He said he thought about the last time we watched porn!

*heart sinks*

I tried to stop my head from spinning but didn’t have enough time before he dropped the next bombshell on me…

“I think we should probably get a divorce”

*heart…breaks*

He went on to tell me he can’t stop, he keeps hurting me and he can’t keep hurting me… But he will. He said he didn’t see a way past this and divorce was the only option as far as he was concerned. He would rather live alone than continue to hurt me. It was too much to take in, too many emotions running through me at once…disgust, insecurity, anger, disappointment, shock…and now heartache accompanied by sheer panic.

I didn’t want to lose him, that’s not what marriage is! You don’t just give up…HE doesn’t have the right to call time on something that he has hardly put any effort into. I’m the one who has tried so hard, whom has supported him and put myself out there for him. I’m the one on the receiving end of this shit, I’m the one who is well within their rights to hold my hands up and say I cant try any more, Besides I sure as hell wasn’t about to let porn win the battle for my marriage…THAT alone would destroy me completely !

I did the only thing I could think of right then and called our counsellor to schedule an emergency appointment, I needed a mediator in this, there MUST be something else, he cant just end us over a w*nk…I also needed someone there as a way to guarantee I wouldn’t lose control and kick the shit out of him. I’m not a violent person, I’ve never hit him but my emotions were all over the place and I worried that I wouldn’t be able to stay calm alone in a room with him.

Luckily he was free to see us so we set off to talk this out…in separate cars.

xBx

 

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