RSS

Tag Archives: Thought

Motivation Monday – Blog blocking

^^^^ like cock blocking but in the blog sense lol

I am now a member :)

I am now a member 🙂

My head is still all over the place – which I’m sure this post will be too- don’t get me wrong I’m not cuddled up on the sofa sobbing every day it’s more that I have so much to write about AND think about AND do that I’m struggling to get my thoughts written out… Aside from that by the time I find the time to write them I’m either feeling good and almost wanting to avoid thinking about it all over again… Or I’m just Blimmin shattered
The other thing killing my blogging vibe is my eye…I had an eye test last week and he said that one eye has improved while the other has gotten slightly worse- actually it’s the eye that usually feels the full force of my migraines so I assume with it working overdrive to see through an out of a 2 year old prescription that’s more than likely causing them – not to mention the usual stress/hormone headaches and change in heat adding to them.

Work is still going great by the way, I’m insured to drive the van so have been driving this massive thing around – if they witnessed my attempts to park a normal sized car I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have agreed to it lol but anyway that means that I’m now driving at least 3 times as much as usual and straining my eye a lot more too… So obviously once home the last thing I feel like doing is staring at a screen and pushing them even further – unfortunately this includes reading the eBook I was (and still am) looking forward to.

Lately my arm is giving me jip too. We rented a car a few weeks back…for a whole month as apparently hard braking takes its toll on my brake pads lol, his car has gone to the little scrap heap in the sky so he’s been driving mine the short distance to work and I’m in charge of the rental until my new pads/discs arrive… However the way I’ve been sitting must be different as my elbow is feeling it now, along with passing out every night in dodgy sleep positions AND a nice incident with my bosses wheelchair ramp adding to it so the idea of bending it to type a full blog post doesn’t thrill me lol. I’m keeping that bad boy straight every chance I get.

Are you convinced by all that? Still wondering the real reason I’ve been gone? Damn you…knowing me too well lol…Of course the above really is pissing me off and physically affecting my blogging life but the elephant in the room for me right now would be our anniversary which is 2 weeks away. Its our one year anniversary of marriage…and every time I think about it I cry :/ I am anxious as hell about ‘celebrating’ a year of surviving marriage and avoiding divorce…when we only just managed to do that! It makes me feel like a fake, it reminds me of the shit we have been through and the closer the day comes the more emotionally unstable I get. I talked it out in counselling last week and I WILL get around to writing about it fully now that me feelings on it are a little clearer and less confused. PINKY PROMISE.

995113_207509972738303_1745740163_n

Cake #3

So what on earth have I been doing?… Well instead of blogging I’ve been spending time with hubby, planning his birthday stuff, getting creative with presents and practicing cake decorating. The last one (double layer cake) was taken into his work and prompted a request for a pink, flowery cake for a workmates wife – which I was thrilled (and a little bit proud) about…until I realised its for the day after hubbys birthday lol so this week I will be making 2 cakes from scratch and decorating them ready for the weekend…wish me luck.

For one of his presents I’ve decorated a jar and printed off a few (personal) positive genuines on little strips of paper so when he’s feeling shit he can read a few of them – simple idea and many of the positives are simple too but hopefully it will help him remember that his positive things each day don’t need to be materialistic or big… little things work too; also maybe reading some of the things I feel I would be happy about in his situation will make him realise them too.

I have to say writing them was difficult in itself; Before everything happened I had written him a letter listing all the things I loved about him/us so I figured I could use most of those in the jar…but reading them back made me sad…a lot of it was about how I could trust him or how genuine he was…(I actually cringed reading them back :/) so I’ve had to start from scratch and find positive spins on the usual traits and adapt them to suit him…it was sad…BUT it was also quite good for me to do that because it made me realise them too, of course there are good things about him which I love! Silly Beth! …now I have a whole list to remind me on the shit days too lol.

My Happy Book :)

My Happy Book 🙂

Speaking of which I now have a brand spanking new HAPPY BOOK 😀 My last blog spent quite a bit of time telling the stories from my little book of happiness, a book full of quotes, sayings, photos…things stuck in…anything which I had experienced that left me smiling for days and which would bring back that smile the instant I read/saw them on one of the pages. After everything came out this year a fair bit of that happy book seemed tainted and void, not much of that happy stuff was genuine (i.e. stuff relating to my husband) and so the book had the opposite effect whenever I opened it…as did my blog…and so i got rid of both of them…and that was shit…like…REALLY shit. What made things even worse was when that friend of mine fucked off -again tainting many of the happy things from that book so there really wasn’t much good left in it :/ Well, seeing as I have now got into the habit of finding positives, getting out and about…pretty much making new…REAL, untainted memories I figured it was time to start a fresh book and fill it with goodness. And so I did :)- and that alone makes me smile 🙂 – maybe I will share some of them with you too.  (Pete you’re in the happy book btw)
Goals for this week

  • BeetlyPete kindly did some research for places to send my Vinyl singles and on following up on his lead I now know where to take them. This man has kindly agreed to sort through them and see what they’re worth…the problem being that I can’t move them from one side of the room to the other…let alone in and out of my car and across the town (there are about 2,000 of them…that’s some heavy lifting lol) so I need to wait until hubby is off work at a time when the store is open so he can help me. It’s also at least an hours travel from me so planning is key… SO… Call him and tell him to hold his horses and figure out a date that we can go.
  • I want to blog my arse off… so hopefully this week I can do that a little – depending on my arm/head…and of course whether its nice out or not as if it is then I will be enjoying that while I have the chance…so either of those will do. I do have some awards which need posting so hopefully I will get a chance to do those if not more 🙂
  • Make not one but two fan-friggin-tastic cakes

PoGeHaGo

  • I wore an outfit I wouldn’t usually go for this weekend…and I survived
  • I got to write this…without getting a migraine
  • Hubby and me had the day off together and had a nice meal in the garden of the place we got married
Advertisements
 
21 Comments

Posted by on July 15, 2013 in Under construction

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Deep Breath

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.

stress

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

WELCOME TO MY WORLD (Photo credit: FUNKYAH)

He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued

xBx

 
 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 
wePoets Show It

an interactive community that showcases art in all forms

Rambles, writing and amusing musings

Smile! laugh out loud! enjoy the following

Radiant Hope

Those who Hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar like wings on eagles, they will run and not grow weary.

I'M A HAUTE MESS

If you're a mess, at least be haute.

The MisAdventures of Vanilla

Mom, Activist, and Stripper

omg he said what?

My boyfriend may be an idiot, but I love him anyway

The Community Storyboard

Where creativity meets community

Michael Bradley - Time Traveler

The official website of Michael Bradley - Author of novels, short stories and poetry involving the past, future, and what may have been.

Wobble a Jelly

Start the movement

Fiction Favorites

with John W. Howell

georgeforfun

Welcome to George's world, no invitation needed, feel at home

The Girl with Twine in Her Bag

My six-word memoir: Can it be four?

Bizarre World News

Bizarre News From Around the World

Rome Construction Crew

Rome wasn't built in a day and not by one person

Emotional Affair? It Almost Destroyed My Marriage!

Emotional affairs; also called affairs of the heart. Let's define the severity of the term. It can destroy your marriage or relationship. What is it? There are a few words to describe it. Affair. Infidelity. Cheating. But the biggest word which sums it all up is....BETRAYAL!

Dehypnotize

The Key To Effective Communicating

Therapy nut loops.

In the client's chair