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#13 As sick as your secrets

**Continuing on from my last post (here) ***

Number 9 Sign

Number 9 Sign (Photo credit: tedeytan)

In order for this to make as much sense as possible, its probably a good idea to read back (if you haven’t already) about our rating scale technique – posted here.

After telling me how he knows he can trust me and explaining that its hard to tell me the things he WANTS to tell me let alone the things he’s not ready to talk about yet…he then said something which made my heart stop.

“I’m really tempted to tell you my 10…but I don’t feel like it’s right yet…

so are you ready for a 9?”

Of course I wont go into detail of it here but that 9 of his was shocking…and not in the way you would assume. what took me by surprise was how NORMAL his 9 was…this massive secret which he was too scared to say to anyone for his entire life…this 9 out of 10 on the scale of difficulty…was something so…common that had I not known it was a ‘9’ for him i probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he told me.

I’ll give you what I think would be a (fictional of course) comparison of this ‘9’ of his…

  • ‘I wet the bed till I was 11’
  • ‘I still cry at Disney films’
  • ‘I’m afraid of the dark’

Of course the content was a relief…you would assume something as hard to disclose as that would automatically mean it’s something bad but -like she said before- it’s not always the content that is hard to tell…it’s just that its something of his. What has blown my mind repeatedly in all of this is how little he has ‘Googled’ about this stuff…because if he had then he may have worked out by now that he is not weird…or that other people go through this stuff too. Regardless, because I knew how hard it was to tell me- BEFORE he told me, I was able to react in an encouraging way. Instead of shrugging it off i thanked him for letting me in, instead of giggling or making an inappropriate joke i was able to take it seriously and actually listen to what he was telling me but most importantly i was able to reassure him that he is not a freak…that he shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and that this thing is more common than he realises…I was able to put his mind at ease -so in that sense the rating scale saved the day as without it i probably wouldn’t have reacted – or appreciated it – the same way.

His therapist had explained to me how he should be telling himself ‘its ok…nothing bad happened’ at any times when he does something which he sees as a ‘fuck up’ – for example spilling a drink like I explained in the post about the oxygen mask…OR when he tells me something of his. So again I was able to remind him of that once he told me his 9- literally by telling him ‘see…nothing bad has happened…its ok’ and then physically by keeping my body language the same, by kissing him etc -My health and social care teacher would be proud lol…those A levels are really paying off now ha ha.

He allowed me to ask questions so I started slow and eventually (a handful of questions later) we got to a point where he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I let it go and we carried on as normal (see…nothing happened!) I thought it only fair to share one of my higher numbers with him to even the score but again, seeing as I’m probably a bit too open all i could find was a 5/6…that being a poem I had written on the Community Storyboard about cuddling him in bed (here) The reason that was a 5/6 was because its my true feelings about us and its MY blog but I shared that with him (whilst hiding behind a pillow) and he liked it so I think we both felt a little lighter after that- and closer to each other too.

For me to find a 5/6 is pretty rare…there’s not a lot that i wouldn’t tell him or share with him…or not much that i would find difficult anyway… but there was ONE other 5 that I let him into and that was meeting BeetleyPete a few weeks ago. For me meeting Pete (and Mrs Pete) was important to ME. It involved going somewhere I usually go by myself…one of my happy places I suppose (which I don’t have many of now I live here) and introducing my husband to THE blogging legend himself. It was something I was looking forward to and I was almost a little bit protective of…something I didn’t want to be tainted by anything or anyone…something for me…which I allowed him into…something I shared with him. THAT was hard for me to do…but I did it…and nothing bad happened 🙂

Another thing his therapist had explained during that session was what he would feel like after divulging something of his; and so with this information and knowing how big this secret was for him I was prepared for what happened next. I knew how shit he would be feeling…and it was obvious that he was; He said he felt physically sick and that night he asked me NOT to cuddle him in bed (and apologised for asking lol) But i understood why he was being that way so did whatever I could to make him see that no matter what I was still here for him and that this secret had not and would not change anything. For the next few days he was a little bit ‘off’ but I was able to let him ride the wave without giving him too much shit for being in a mood and keep reassuring him without actually making a big deal out of it.

Its been a while since his 9…and he’s back to normal as far as the aftermath of it goes but he’s still not ready for his 10…and I am not pushing for it. Its good to know he felt safe enough to open up to me – and that I knew how to handle it once he did; I think – for us- this was a major breakthrough, I feel closer to him – almost smug actually lol- and I hope he feels closer to me too…but most importantly I hope I have shown him that it IS ok to let me in…because nothing bad happens when he does 🙂

xBx

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#10 Responsibility

On the edge II

On the edge II (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘Yes…but its understandable’

As I headed out for work a few evenings ago I tried to stop my eyes from flickering towards the open laptop as I asked hubby what he had planned in his few hours of freedom. (thinking…do I WANT to know?…porn porn porn)

Closing the laptop and putting it away he said  ‘well when you get back i need to get online and research this stuff i wanna get for the garden…oh and check my bank balance and stuff but while you’re out ill probably play on the Xbox and get my lunch ready for work tomorrow…’

I asked why he was waiting for me to get home before going online and he said it was because he knew how it made me feel knowing he was browsing (alone), he didn’t like making me feel like that…plus there was no rush to look at it so it could wait.

I couldn’t help but smile at that reply but at the same time i hate it :/ I don’t LIKE feeling this way, I had been doing fine and as far as I’m aware he hasn’t been looking at porn… our sex lives have improved massively…more often…he initiates…more relaxed…more fun…happy endings and wotnot etc etc BUT like i said before everything seems to be going a little too well …to the point where i am now on edge waiting for my bubble to burst yet again – and I hate that.

I hate that I think that way, that I’ve now managed to go into reverse and into paranoia territory. I feel like I’m turning into (yes turning I’m not quite there yet) some over sensitive, over protective…demanding wife and I’m worried that I’m really going to push him away at the moment (ironic or what) but i wouldn’t blame him…I mean I don’t think he’s planning on leaving me anytime soon or anything BUT I don’t like the way I’m being so I don’t see why he would either. It’s just not me.

I mean, I’m not overbearing right now, not to him at least…I don’t say everything I think or voice all of my annoying anxieties so he’s only exposed to about one third of the crazy that I’m encountering. but still…he obviously picks up on some stuff as he now knows how uncomfortable it makes me feel.

I suppose its like waiting for an alcoholic to fall back off the wagon after the first few days of sobriety…surely for him -if he really did have a porn addiction – he would be having major withdrawals by now right? So in my mind he’s ready to crack any day now…or maybe he’s put things into perspective…maybe now the subject has been discussed between us AND with professionals he’s realised how destructive his actions were…that it wasn’t addiction…just lack of respect and understanding?…I don’t know… I think once he gets back into the routine of therapy I’ll feel better as we will be moving in a direction rather than sat in limbo again.

I asked – ‘doesn’t that make me like some crazy, paranoid laptop security guard?’
Him: ‘yes…but its understandable’
Me: ‘IS it understandable though? i don’t LIKE feeling this way…BEING this way’
Him: ‘Yes its understandable, I’ve made you feel this way and I’m going to do everything i can to earn your trust back’

…it never hurts to hear him accept responsibility.

xBx

 
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Posted by on May 25, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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Twisting the knife

Bloody knife and table

Bloody knife and table (Photo credit: Mads Johansen)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

***I had considered scheduling this post for a later date to let you feel the same security I felt by the progress my husband and I have made. I was going to catch you up with many more of his ‘honestly’ posts…like this one (here) -as there are a lot still to come- but…as it is my blogging life is still about a week behind reality and this blog is still about helping me get over the many issues in my marriage so… here goes***

My husband returned from his 3rd therapy session and instantly I noticed he was unusually quiet but I put it down to being exhausted after letting it all out in session. However he was also more kissy. He was cuddling me from behind every minute or so, kissing my neck and forehead…I mean he does this anyway but this time it happened a lot -in a sweet way rather than sexual- in a really short space of time. Pleasantly surprised with a hint of suspicion I said ‘ooooh what’s this for?’ (with smiles etc) and he replied…

“Because I don’t want you to be mad….I’ve been lying to her…(The therapist)
Not about everything but definitely blocking…
She asks me questions and I lie…
To throw her off track and confuse her…
Because I don’t want her to figure me out…
She asked where I got a certain (negative) mind frame – a key part of this issue- and I told her I didn’t know… But I do…I know why i think the way I do, I know why I am the way I am…but I don’t want to talk about it.
But it’s good right? That I’ve come clean and told you that? It’s progress isn’t it?”

Erm what?! He knows a vital part of why he thinks this way and he won’t tell me or her… how frustrating! I remembered from his first session that I wasn’t meant to react when he admitted things to me and to be fair I was so shocked and focused on not kicking his ass that I didn’t really have the energy TO react there and then. Anyway, once my emotions had stopped raging, I (calmly) told him I didn’t understand the point of paying to see someone just to lie and that it’s not going to help anything. He said he’s thinking about telling her and I urged him to. I told him I couldn’t be with him IF he continues to lie.

He said it just happens… He can’t help it but the fact that he’s just said its to stop her figuring him out shows that he does it with intent doesn’t it? It’s not like he’s lying about irrelevant things – THAT would be without reason- this time he’s purposely withholding something important. He said its not going to get better overnight and that he does want to stop but not everything he is says is true all the time.. but he’s trying.

He said he doesn’t want to talk about it (the reason), it’s hard to talk about… Which suggests shame or embarrassment or pain…. And they’re feelings!! Aren’t they? He looked at me for some kind of response and instantly read my mind… “but I haven’t been wanking…”  He asked if I believed him and I said I didn’t really have much reason to…

Trust

Trust (Photo credit: vagawi )

Its back to the whole ‘everything I say is bullshit…but trust me’ thing…I don’t know which way to go with it. IS it good that he’s told me? IS it progress? I left it at that and took some time to think about whether it really was good or not (in other words I spoke to my best friend, the only person (in real life) who knows EVERY SINGLE DETAIL.)
She said:

  • He reached out to you.
  • It sounds as though the reason he’s not telling her the truth or ” lying ” is because he doesn’t trust her yet.
  • All he’s doing is what’s he’s always done- putting up his defence and that’s what this is all about – learning to give a little more away about himself. So today he put his guard up but he came home and told the person he DOES trust- maybe not what it’s about but that he had covered up…..baby steps.
  • Putting it in perspective it took him a year to tell you the truth so see yesterday as a step forward at home
  • At least he’s acknowledged his behaviour and a definite need to change

I agree with all of the above…it IS a positive step…but it still gave me that horrible gut punch feeling :/

I am going to discuss it with my counsellor and the hubby is seeing his therapist in a few days so i guess all i can do is see what happens…but in the mean time what do you think? Do you agree that its a good step?

What if he doesn’t tell her? What if he never tells me? I don’t think I could stay with someone who has secrets as big as this…but then i understand that whatever it is must be important, i understand that it must be bad enough to result in him being this way and that it must be hard for him to tell anyone about it…but then something as big as this cant be ignored, it cant be kept from his own wife…can it?

I’m not going to push him or force him to tell me anytime soon, I realise how sensitive it is but is it unfair for me to ask to know it?…to expect to know it?…eventually.
xBx

 
 

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Part 7: Marriage Counselling

relationship-counselling

relationship-counselling (Photo credit: Ivo Dimitrov)

By the time our first counselling appointment arrived we were feeling positive. We arrived together ready to talk about the past and the current issue at hand. (I cant stop with the puns…they just happen)

The guy was great, we clicked, he had a good sense of humour (i.e. he laughed when I made jokes to break the awkwardness of the subject) and he seemed prepared to take us on and help us. He admitted that he had never met anyone with the issue of no sensitivity but would research it before our next session so spent the remainder of the time finding out more about us.

He asked us questions about our opinions of our relationship, (ignoring the sexual side of it) asking us to rate each area out of 10 (10 being positive/satisfying/as good as it gets). We were asked to say our numbers at the same time to avoid being influenced.

Communication 8/7
Intimacy (cuddles and kisses) 10/10
Happiness 9/9
Trust 6/10

It was a really positive activity, it was nice to see that he was as satisfied as I was, to establish that even with the issue in the bedroom we were still a pretty awesome team. We were still intimate in other ways, we still laughed, had fun and could still communicate well together -with a little room for improvement; our one issue didn’t affect us outside of the bedroom but the events surrounding it had affected my level of trust for him.

This came as no surprise to him, I’m honest about my trust levels so the counsellor suggested we work on the trust issue and sexual issue together in future sessions as they go hand in hand and improving one with have a positive effect on the other.

He also gave us homework for the next week until we saw him again…no sex! Well we knew we had been there before but this time someone was listening to our problem and had suggested this ban to both of us, he was hearing it from someone other than me and someone who wasn’t just throwing medication at him.

We booked our next appointment and headed home feeling encouraged, positive and hopeful…let the sex ban commence

xBx

 

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