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It’s been one year….

20130318-121902-AM.jpgIt’s been a year since the shit hit the fan…. so it seems only fitting that I write a post.

I feel I owe it to myself to revisit this blog -to face my demons- but also to anyone still out there wondering ‘what ever happened to Beth?’ so…here I am…and this is what happened

In July we had our first wedding anniversary…I had been anxious about it but we celebrated by burning some bad memories – those in the form of diary entries, letters which held dark confessions and even photos or ‘happy book’ pages which made me feel sick looking back on. Not because the times themselves were bad…but once you find out that most of your relationship has been a lie things kind of take a sour turn.

We took our burn-iversary as a fresh start; a chance to put as many of those bad feelings as we could behind us and instead focus on moving forward…on how to make things better and how to make new…REAL…memories. At the time I was still feeling uneasy, emotions were up and down constantly; some days all I could think about was what he had done whereas others it didn’t even cross my mind.

It was during one of these ‘up’ streaks that we had news from his work that we would have to leave for America….in September! As you can imagine my heart was in my stomach. I had given our marriage one year from THAT day to figure out whether I stayed or we went our separate ways…now I had a matter of weeks to make up my mind!?

One thing that kept nagging me was this gut-wrenching feeling whenever I considered NOT going with him. By this time I was past any “what would people think?” “what would I tell my mother?” crap and had learnt to focus on what I wanted and not what society would find alarming. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to try…but there was so much to do, so much upheaval… this was an international move…I would need a visa…I had loose ends to tie up…I would have to quit the job I loved….

Shit Happens - By ComfortablyNumb

Shit Happens – By ComfortablyNumb

I chewed it over and over -AND OVER…I spoke to my best friend – the only person (offline) who knows EVERYTHING about our situation- and she reminded me that I could always come home if shit went wrong again. Eventually I told my dad and my step-dad about my doubts, hinting that things weren’t peachy between us; I spoke to a good friend from the blogging world…they all said the same… “you can always come home” and “you would regret NOT giving it a go”

So…I went.

Through a series of events with work, visa applications and an unrelated court case the moving date was postponed for a month here and another month there -It was stressful to say the least but we got here in the end and so far I am NOT regretting it.

HOWEVER…(did you see that one coming?) with everything going on with the move the therapy, counseling and everything that goes with it has been put on the back burner. It’s not that we are ignoring the fact that we need to carry on working on things – believe me he made sure I knew that he WILL keep seeing someone and I made sure HE knew that if he didn’t I would have his balls in a vice-it’s just that with any move its stressful and expensive so we have to wait until it’s more feasible to go (and keep going) to sessions in order to make them count.

That being said… I’m bloody dreading it. Its been so nice NOT having to think about shit for a few months. The move has pushed us together and grounded my feelings for him; the stresses of everything have taught us to work together and communicate more than we ever did – I mean yeah there’s still that mars/Venus divide but as far as US as a couple we are much stronger – at least as far as I’m concerned. I suppose I’m finding the idea of going from pretend-ignorant-bliss back to shock-horror-here’s-another-bombshell rather unsettling…but who wouldn’t? As for ‘deeper’ progress there have been a few small victories for us…though reading this back they’re actually rather big.

yeah right lol

yeah right lol

Before we left England he had started feeling more physically (in the bedroom) but it was still rare. Now, however it’s probably 90% of the time. The sensation doesn’t last long but the fact that the frequency has increased massively means we must be doing something right (yay us!) This is a massive confidence boost for me, I don’t feel as rushed to ‘get it over with before he starts yawning’ and I can sometimes tell when it’s happening for him. We did have a type of code but that always reminded us of the ‘issue’ so now we just roll with it and see what happens.

We are a little more spontaneous with it, definitely more passionate/romantic and generally more relaxed…more loving. It’s like we are both actually present…we make eye contact…more kissing…I don’t feel like a hooker! Of course some days it all hits me again that this isn’t a ‘normal’ sex life and that for most couples it’s a lot ‘easier’ for them…but then I remind myself that it’s OURS, it’s working for us…and at least I don’t have a problem with a partner who is done in a few minutes ha ha (sorry but I have to laugh)

Out of the bedroom he is more caring too; he now has a phone and actually texts me during the daytime which has made such a big difference. He leaves notes for me sometimes when he heads off to work and he picks up a little something now and again if he stops off to get petrol or whatever on his way home. He told me a few months ago during a heart to heart that he now genuinely likes cuddles and missed the ones I used to give him; he had started feeling ‘less loved’ by me than before and cared enough -or felt enough- to actually say something about it (I had started blocking myself without realising.) He was honest enough to tell me things that he knew I wouldn’t like hearing -rather than lying to keep me happy) and said openly that he still needed to work some things out with a professional..

I still have issues with porn…like I said…who wouldn’t after everything? I have some filters set up on his phone and on the computer (with his permission – nothing sneaky) but we both agree that neither of us are ready for them to be removed – again not something I LIKED hearing but at least he was honest about it. I don’t like the fact that I haven’t deleted this blog, I don’t like that I WILL be posting on here more frequently once the therapy starts…but its the truth and I have to face it. I still have days where I remember that we do have a lot of work to do (and he agrees) and it hurts like hell but at least we realize this and aren’t just sweeping it under the carpet for good.

Yes there is a LOT of work to be done but we both know that and WILL get back into the swing of it once we are settled with everything else. For now…I am happy that we are making progress on our own. The bottom line in all of this? I’m glad I came with him, I’m glad I gave it a shot and I’m certain I want to keep working on it.

I am so sorry for dropping off the face of the…blogging-world. I have missed you guys, but I can’t lie I’m not looking forward to being back…I will be back though, just not yet.

xBx

 
19 Comments

Posted by on February 25, 2014 in The Present -How things are

 

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#13 As sick as your secrets

**Continuing on from my last post (here) ***

Number 9 Sign

Number 9 Sign (Photo credit: tedeytan)

In order for this to make as much sense as possible, its probably a good idea to read back (if you haven’t already) about our rating scale technique – posted here.

After telling me how he knows he can trust me and explaining that its hard to tell me the things he WANTS to tell me let alone the things he’s not ready to talk about yet…he then said something which made my heart stop.

“I’m really tempted to tell you my 10…but I don’t feel like it’s right yet…

so are you ready for a 9?”

Of course I wont go into detail of it here but that 9 of his was shocking…and not in the way you would assume. what took me by surprise was how NORMAL his 9 was…this massive secret which he was too scared to say to anyone for his entire life…this 9 out of 10 on the scale of difficulty…was something so…common that had I not known it was a ‘9’ for him i probably wouldn’t have batted an eyelid if he told me.

I’ll give you what I think would be a (fictional of course) comparison of this ‘9’ of his…

  • ‘I wet the bed till I was 11’
  • ‘I still cry at Disney films’
  • ‘I’m afraid of the dark’

Of course the content was a relief…you would assume something as hard to disclose as that would automatically mean it’s something bad but -like she said before- it’s not always the content that is hard to tell…it’s just that its something of his. What has blown my mind repeatedly in all of this is how little he has ‘Googled’ about this stuff…because if he had then he may have worked out by now that he is not weird…or that other people go through this stuff too. Regardless, because I knew how hard it was to tell me- BEFORE he told me, I was able to react in an encouraging way. Instead of shrugging it off i thanked him for letting me in, instead of giggling or making an inappropriate joke i was able to take it seriously and actually listen to what he was telling me but most importantly i was able to reassure him that he is not a freak…that he shouldn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and that this thing is more common than he realises…I was able to put his mind at ease -so in that sense the rating scale saved the day as without it i probably wouldn’t have reacted – or appreciated it – the same way.

His therapist had explained to me how he should be telling himself ‘its ok…nothing bad happened’ at any times when he does something which he sees as a ‘fuck up’ – for example spilling a drink like I explained in the post about the oxygen mask…OR when he tells me something of his. So again I was able to remind him of that once he told me his 9- literally by telling him ‘see…nothing bad has happened…its ok’ and then physically by keeping my body language the same, by kissing him etc -My health and social care teacher would be proud lol…those A levels are really paying off now ha ha.

He allowed me to ask questions so I started slow and eventually (a handful of questions later) we got to a point where he didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I let it go and we carried on as normal (see…nothing happened!) I thought it only fair to share one of my higher numbers with him to even the score but again, seeing as I’m probably a bit too open all i could find was a 5/6…that being a poem I had written on the Community Storyboard about cuddling him in bed (here) The reason that was a 5/6 was because its my true feelings about us and its MY blog but I shared that with him (whilst hiding behind a pillow) and he liked it so I think we both felt a little lighter after that- and closer to each other too.

For me to find a 5/6 is pretty rare…there’s not a lot that i wouldn’t tell him or share with him…or not much that i would find difficult anyway… but there was ONE other 5 that I let him into and that was meeting BeetleyPete a few weeks ago. For me meeting Pete (and Mrs Pete) was important to ME. It involved going somewhere I usually go by myself…one of my happy places I suppose (which I don’t have many of now I live here) and introducing my husband to THE blogging legend himself. It was something I was looking forward to and I was almost a little bit protective of…something I didn’t want to be tainted by anything or anyone…something for me…which I allowed him into…something I shared with him. THAT was hard for me to do…but I did it…and nothing bad happened 🙂

Another thing his therapist had explained during that session was what he would feel like after divulging something of his; and so with this information and knowing how big this secret was for him I was prepared for what happened next. I knew how shit he would be feeling…and it was obvious that he was; He said he felt physically sick and that night he asked me NOT to cuddle him in bed (and apologised for asking lol) But i understood why he was being that way so did whatever I could to make him see that no matter what I was still here for him and that this secret had not and would not change anything. For the next few days he was a little bit ‘off’ but I was able to let him ride the wave without giving him too much shit for being in a mood and keep reassuring him without actually making a big deal out of it.

Its been a while since his 9…and he’s back to normal as far as the aftermath of it goes but he’s still not ready for his 10…and I am not pushing for it. Its good to know he felt safe enough to open up to me – and that I knew how to handle it once he did; I think – for us- this was a major breakthrough, I feel closer to him – almost smug actually lol- and I hope he feels closer to me too…but most importantly I hope I have shown him that it IS ok to let me in…because nothing bad happens when he does 🙂

xBx

 

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Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

Deep Breath

Deep Breath (Photo credit: kagey_b)

So having had a few weeks of “should I stay or go?” I was no closer to a decision. I had felt bad for even thinking about leaving… Not just bad for him but bad for us… For how we could be and for considering throwing in the towel when really – like my counsellor had pointed out- we WERE still moving forward. I think it was panic mode resurfacing, can I do this? Am I strong enough? Will things ever get better… CAN WE EVER BE NORMAL??

I felt even more guilty for thinking all of that without telling him any of it. Usually I would say SOMETHING but every time I was close he would surprise me with a new insight or a positive move so I kept it to myself for weeks. BUT the revelation of keeping his eyes open and banishing demons (posted here) gave us the positive boost we needed- it gave me more hope… A massive point to add to the list of pros and cons building in my mind. I felt good… WE felt good.

However, I had noticed that he has stopped doing things, he doesn’t speak to anyone apart from me really, he doesn’t socialise much. I realise that this seems like a random tangent but trust me…it will make sense shortly…anyway- Last week he came home and told me about a game of paintball with some workmates but he immediately said he didn’t want to go, I questioned it, telling him it sounded fun, he should have some time off doing something fun… That I didn’t mind and would enjoy some me time etc but still he said no. I asked if he had noticed that he had stopped going out and he said he hadn’t until I pointed it out and agreed that maybe he should do something. I went shopping over the weekend and suggested he and a friend did something… He was up for that but on the day didn’t see any plans through. He never used to be like this and I’ve recognised the signs from experience- depression, lack of interest, almost hibernating because its easier.

A few days later came back from his next solo therapy session and I casually asked how it went. He was vague and didn’t really say much other than that they spoke about some “stuff” we had all talked about. I let it slide figuring he would tell me more when he was ready and when had got his head around it -like usual- but later he showed no signs of opening up. So I asked if they had spoken about the masturbating/porn. I knew they had because it was the first she had heard about any of it when I went so it was bound to have been a main topic.

stress

stress (Photo credit: bottled_void)

He eyed me suspiciously and asked how I knew so I told him the above. He then said that they had talked about it but I wouldn’t like it so…. This got my back up. I don’t like it when people assume I can’t handle something and more importantly it winds me up that something crucial for us has been discussed without giving me any insight. Obviously I know it’s his session etc but if SHE had an insight which could have helped me understand it better… then I don’t understand why she didn’t bring it up there and then -when I told her in our session. Plus this is exactly what HE does… Tell me bits which make it sound terrible and then I worry and eventually I find out that it wasn’t that bad… It drags it out, it stresses me out, it prolongs the agony.

I didn’t push him for it because … Well it’s not right to do that but I got angry (inside) and that massive pro quickly dissolved (and then some) tipping the scales back the other way and making me wonder what the fucking point was. Later still he asked if I really wanted to know (erm duh) and so he told me…

“Ok… She told me to masturbate – without you- and I said no. She asked why and I said that I didn’t need or want to because what we do works, that you wouldn’t be ok with that… and i wouldn’t either. She pushed me and tried to persuade me but I still said no and told her we would have to think of something else… She said I should because its something for me… For myself and that I shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for me”

*Deep breath…Adopt calm voice and…*

“Firstly thank you for telling me and thank you for saying no. she’s right – you shouldn’t feel guilty for doing something for yourself but you but it’s more about the lying about it, hiding it and affecting others in such a negative way that is not ok. Also for her to suggest that makes me doubt that the extent of you doing it was discussed between you truthfully as I don’t think she would suggest that if she knew… So what happens now? Is this you telling me that someone else has suggested it so now you’re considering it or…?

He said no, he wasn’t going to do it and he had told her about the paintball etc he hugged me tight and asked what I thought about it all. Reluctant to say anything damaging I mulled it over and considered her point. Yes it’s good for him to do things for himself but ultimately it’s  his actions before now that have added to the issue surrounding it. Now she’s suggested it its added the paranoia that had faded drastically back into the mix, it actually makes me feel sick thinking about going against everything I feel is right and crushing myself further for the sake of a quick release… If I were to consider her point about the oxygen mask (posted here) then saying that any of this was ok would be the opposite of what she had suggested. Is this what he needs? Am I wrong to be so against it? Am I preventing him from getting better? Am I fuck!

And so I told him

“Again, it’s good that you said no but do you agree with it? Do you think it would help? (No) Honestly i don’t know if i can do this… do you know I’ve been thinking about leaving? (no…for how long?) for a few weeks now but every time I’ve been on the edge something good has happened and we have moved forward. The other night I turned you down because I couldn’t take it anymore, because all this shit about sex and wanking makes me feel sick and I don’t have the mental energy to pretend I’m ok with it every time but then we had a breakthrough and it felt great but now it’s back to square one.

What she has suggested puts the paranoia back because you’ve been given the go ahead by one person so surely that plants that fucking seed again? We had been making progress in the bedroom and it was working for us but now I’m going to be worried about saying no again in case you do it yourself out of spite (I wouldn’t do that… Is that what you think?) yes! And now even more so. I mean am I supposed to sit downstairs and be ok with it? (No because its not going to happen) you already get to do that for you the difference is that I’m with you… you’re still the one doing it! that’s a compromise we have established and i thought that was good for both if us (it is… i like that you’re with me) It’s already enough that we have to do that together – me being there is the only way I can get intimacy from it and I’m sorry but there are others things to do for you… You could go out, you can do what you want (i know and that’s what i told her) I don’t turn you down and then go and have a wank to suit myself.

Aside from that she’s now made me think I’m wrong, its made me question whether or not i am actually helping or adding to all of this and its made me doubt my own morals. I’m sorry but I can’t go along with something that will make me feel even worse than I already do… So if YOU want to do it then do it… I will understand and i don’t want to be the one hindering your progress…But I will not be here anymore. THAT by the way was a 10 on the scale of difficulty”

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

WELCOME TO MY WORLD (Photo credit: FUNKYAH)

He kissed me and thanked me for my 10. He reassured me that I am NOT hindering anything, that he wasn’t going to do anything and that “if it wasn’t for you god knows where I would be right now… You’re the reason I’m trying to get better so I can be a better person for me and a better husband for you… Because I do not want to lose you” he told me I should talk to him when I feel like leaving and asked how to make it better. I told him I understood how hard it is for him and that I’m never going to force him to tell me anything – its not like j could if i wanted to!- but I just need to be let in and feel PART of his world … Just like I let him into mine…

And that’s when it happened…

To be continued

xBx

 
 

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Isn’t it Ironic? Wish you were here

“Wish You Were Here”

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

The second time I met my husband was a month after our first meeting, we had spent the time in between talking constantly, texting, messaging, skyping, calling…getting to know each other inside out. we fell in love during those conversations – without actually saying it- we missed each other terribly and couldn’t wait to see each other again…so understandably the next time we met we were both anxious about whether our feelings would grow on a physical level too. They did, we spent the night with friends, meeting people, having fun; we were finally able to touch each other, to hold each other…. That night was amazing but of course before we knew it it was time to part ways again for another few weeks.

A friend of ours was strumming away on his guitar and began to play ‘wish you were here’. he played (and sang) it beautifully. high on emotions the song highlighted that even more and from that point onwards it became our song.

We had it at our wedding ceremony to play us out, I made table decorations from the sheet music, I would listen to it whenever I missed him, he learned to play it on the guitar…I had ‘wish you were here’ engraved on his wedding ring, written on my wedding shoes…the song and that line meant so much to us … but now…when I read/hear the lyrics they take a different meaning.

Wish YOU were here… I do! I wish HE was here, that person I fell in love with, the person I thought I was marrying…but he’s not and the chances are HE will never be here again…and god that hurts! The lyrics seem to taunt me… so you think you can tell? Can you? Can you tell its all bullshit?? Can you tell the difference between the real me and the mask i wear? can you? really?? …NO! I couldn’t!

‘We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.’

Two lost souls…I think I may change my tagline to that because it sums us up perfectly right now, its what we are – lost. Going round and round, trying to figure this out, trying to find ourselves…trying to find each other

HOPEFULLY it wont be long till we find HIM…the real him and no he won’t be the same, WE wont be the same but I can get to know him, I can fall in love with him all over again; I cant wait for that to happen, I cant wait to be with him again and I am positive about the future… but some days this dull, nagging ache in my heart just wont leave and I realise its because I just miss us too much…I miss HIM too much; I wish HE was here :/

xBx

 
33 Comments

Posted by on June 14, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?

 

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I stuffed the cat back in….

20130614-011732 AM.jpg

An update on my previous post

I bit the bullet and I told him en route to therapy this evening, we had to run some errands before officially setting off and he had questioned little things like why hasn’t I picked a CD to listen to yet etc so I told him it was because I wanted to talk to him once we got going. He asked what about and made jokes etc so by the time we were on our way the atmosphere was a little more settled.

I told him I didn’t know how he would feel etc and told him exactly what happened and what was discussed. As I did he nodded along in agreement and once finished said…. “…. And then….?”

And then nothing, that was it.

To which he said “oh… Why would you think I’d be mad about that??”

*phew*

Out of all of it he was more interested in the kidnapping as he doesn’t remember that but seeing as he must have been 10yrs old at the time it’s strange that he doesn’t. He said he didn’t mind me talking to her because I gave nothing -about what’s going on with us- away, it’s all stuff I would have asked her regardless and she probably expects it to some extent from a daughter-in-law.

So that was that. Instant relief as i remembered that even though i cant read him, he CAN read me and he knows I’m only ever thinking of us and how to help.

We got through our session and over-ran by an hour but it was all very encouraging; however as the appointment was at 9pm (cause that’s how we roll) we didn’t get home till gone midnight so I’ll have to update on the session another time – obviously not in great detail but just more than I can give right now. – what I will say is I got a gold star sticker for good behaviour 🙂

So that’s all folks

xBx

 
 

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I let the cat out of the bag….kind of

cat's tail out from the bag

cat’s tail out from the bag (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m such a dick sometimes… I’ve really gone and done it. Part of me is relieved but the rest is just angry at myself, I feel like I’ve meddled in something that isn’t my business and I don’t know what will happen next…. I know its probably because we are seeing his therapist this evening and I’m shitting myself about it so subconsciously I’m preparing myself for the worst…I’m trying to cover my arse by finding out as much as I can, I’m trying to avoid any unwelcome surprises that the last experience with my husband and a professional has taught me to expect…. but still…I spoke to his mother…my husbands mother…my mother in law….about my husbands past.

It started off innocently enough, my new job, moving, making friends etc and the conversation naturally moved to bullies,not-so-nice humans in general, pasts etc I saw my chance…so I took it, I asked questions.She told me he had always been shy, and kept himself to himself, he was bullied but it seemed to get better. There was friction at home, she steered clear of the drugs and left his father; He and his dad were not close, one time he was kidnapped by his dad for 24 hours…whilst on drugs and taken to his home – where he was living with his drug dealer and other people…

I reassured her and asked about the kidnapping, where he was taken…’ I don’t know much about hard drugs but from what I’ve seen on TV and heard from people who do it comes with a lot of bad stuff god only knows what he witnessed that day, I wonder if he remembers it but either way it’s not worth thinking about what could have happened had he stayed there…’

I could have stopped there… I should have… but I didn’t. There were so many continuations and chances for elaborating right there in front of me that not only did it feel quite natural for us to carry on delving…I mean this is my husband after all…don’t most spouses know more about their partners past?…so I did it…I asked about physical abuse… ‘He mentioned a relative being hard on him but its blurry and he’s almost convinced it was a dream so I guess it must have been….again I’m not asking for any reason other than the fact that he doesn’t remember ANYTHING – almost like he’s blocked it out or something I don’t know, maybe everything you mentioned was enough to do that on its own.’

She told me that one day her daughter (hubbys sister) had told her about this family friend being hard on her, The kids never went back and its very possible that they did the same to my husband….its probably not a dream. It then dawned on me that she really hadn’t realised until know what had happened….shit! I tried to reassure her…maybe it was just a different type of discipline to what they were used to, kids are so literal maybe he remembers but didn’t understand it at the time? -I don’t believe this for a second….SOMETHING happened…but I wanted to try to undo what I had already done :/ But she stopped me, she told me she was sure it was worse, that she had asked him before but he had never told her, that she should have known back then, she should have stopped it…

I apologised for bringing it up and again tried to ease her worries…’if it makes you feel any better he doesn’t remember much – and what he does is very hazy which could be a blessing. BUT the thing that worries me is that perhaps he’s blocked out more of it- maybe that’s why he “cant remember” but surely those memories will surface one day and I don’t think any of us know what to expect if and when they do….’  I reassured her that he’s not a nasty person, he’s not violent and hasn’t brought any of that stuff – whatever that stuff is- forward with him, I tried again to calm the conversation…’I think it’s more the self worth that’s been affected (hubbys) so maybe that’s why or where that comes from Please don’t feel bad it wasn’t your fault and I’m sorry for bringing it up I really am’

By this point I felt like a real bitch…I’ve not only dug up stuff my husband may not want to dig up now but I’ve dug it up for his mum too. She told me he had always had a hard time with self worth, with everything that happened at home, (the relative) & with his dad not showing any concern his self worth is low… ‘I hope & pray with time that it gets better. A lot of time this comes with age! It will come out— it always does. It will be important to get it out when he’s ready. He can always come to me with anything. Don’t feel bad for being concerned for your husband. That’s what happens when you love someone. You want to help them in any way u can. Thank you for loving my son & wanting to help him !!! Xxx’

I answered some questions and explained that for me some things have seemed odd and I don’t like wondering, I’d rather ask the questions and figure out the rest when I know all the facts -On top of that I’m just curious about people’s backgrounds – especially ones I’m married to lol. I said I didn’t think he was ready to talk yet but was trying to understand more and prepare myself so I -we now- could support him whenever he was ready…and I apologised again. I thought that was it…I figured I had turned it round and made the talk a good one….and then she wrote again saying I was right, we needed to be on the same page with this and asked what it was specifically that made me wonder in the first place…just the fact that he couldn’t remember stuff or….?

*face palm*

I walked straight into that…going on and on about secrecy and being open and then being faced with having to withhold even more info from his mother!…erm shall I give her this link? lol I took a while to reply, I thought about it and I decided not to tell ALL. I feel that I’ve already said enough. Enough to understand a little more, enough to help him, to help us and I wish I could tell her everything but at that moment I had given everything I could without actually telling her ‘he feels nothing…he’s numb….he’s probably got PTSD‘ So I stuck with the curiosity, the lack of memory, piecing together what I did know about his childhood and trying to fill in the blanks.

We ended on a positive note, offering support for each other, thanking each other and sending love…But I know its not over, I know she will mention it (without meaning to) one way or another when they next talk…I know he will know… So what do I do? Do I tell him first? Do I tell him at therapy so we can all talk about it together?
I learned so much about him today…and I don’t believe he knows -or remembers- most of it either… you learn something new everyday
xBx

 
 

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Isn’t it ironic? The Kill

Believe it or not things at home are going much better – aside from my anxiety mentioned here– but I thought I would share another ‘isn’t it ironic?’ post with you…its from the past which I dont like delving into on good days but I feel I need to air it…allow myself to get it out etc

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn’t take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I’m not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You’re killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break…?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I’m not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

I first heard this song many years ago on the bus to school – at the time thanks to the crackling stereo and buzz of activity I misheard the lyrics as “marry me marry me” and instantly fell in love with the tune, the emotion… The power of it. For years I Googled “marry me marry me” but of course – seeing as these weren’t the lyrics I had no luck.

Over the years I suffered from depression, multiple overdoses, bad relationships and just shit times in general… But eventually I overcame them. After my last bad break-up (along with health problems) I was having a girly night in when THAT song came on one of the music channels …I saw Jared and fell in love all over again… With the song AND the beautiful beautiful man and it quickly became my favourite song EVER.

Its Powerful, I saw the positives in the lyrics…  ”This is who I really am inside… Finally found myself..’ he’s turned the song around and he’s overcome the rest of it… Just like I had done. There’s no point pretending or trying… Be yourself…cause you’ll end up breaking in the end so you may as well be true to yourself no matter what.

For years it still stuck as my favourite song ever…the type of song you would hear at any time ..any place and belt it out loudly (regardless of whether it was in tune or not) it was a song that gave me THAT feeling that only your favourite song could.

We even considered a slow version for our wedding…(there are some BEAUTIFUL slow versions of it which i listened to for hours to try and pick a fave) the focus being on the over coming…the realisation that after all the shit THIS is who i am…you make me who i am…you complete me…YOU love me as I am…However after needing to explain this to the few guests who were actually going to be there on the day we decided against it…bury me on your wedding day? ok fair enough…lets stick with the Jackson 5 then.

A few days after hubby dropped his bombshell (posted here if anyone missed it) i was driving home…completely numb and of course EVERY song on the radio had some kind of connection to our situation…. ‘end of the road‘...’tell me lies tell me sweet little lies…’ maybe not THOSE songs but still the same ironic shit…song after song after song. At the time i honestly felt like i was being set up on some hidden camera show or something. Anyway, sick of that I whacked on 30 Seconds to Mars and instantly I felt better.

I sang…LOUDLY…finally allowing some feeling to come back…but then i got to THAT line…

‘I tried to be someone else…but nothing seemed to change i know now this is who i REALLY am inside…finally found myself ;Fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I really am’ and the louder i sang the harder I cried (even writing this at least 2 months later it still makes me well up thinking about it)

*BAM*

There is was…in MY song…in MY favourite line…the truth…The irony… as if my husband had written it and sang it to me… he’s tried to be someone else, that didn’t work, he’s really really tried…but THIS is who he really is inside.

After i got home i sobbed…SO hard, another thing that was special to me had been tainted…taken away from me forever by him. The song that made me happy, the power that i would feel when i sang it…the line that meant so much to me and summed up my past has now taken on an entirely different meaning.

I cant sing that song anymore; it took a while before i could even hear it without sobbing…and now i can just about do that…I still love it…it still gives me THAT feeling…but i don’t think I’ll ever be able to sing it again.

Isn’t it funny how certain songs hold a certain meaning?

xBx

 
19 Comments

Posted by on May 26, 2013 in Isn't it ironic?

 

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The straw that broke the camels back

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

The Straw That Broke the Camel’s Back (Photo credit: mikecogh)

He was called into work over the weekend meaning his therapy was postponed for another week. For me that was the straw than broke the camels back…Finally everything… All the conversations, revelations and questions took their toll on me and I crumpled. My migraine was still beating me so I gave in and crawled back into bed.

Through all of this I have managed to drag my arse out of bed every morning despite loving the idea of staying there and letting everything else carry on around me. I have managed for almost 2 months to get up and dressed…to stay up and dressed and to not sneak back in. I’ve managed to resist making an appointment to be put into an induced coma until something gets sorted despite the huge appeal that has… And so far I had been proud of myself…But this day I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I crawled back in and sobbed…Hard! He came in and cuddled me and for what seemed like the umpteenth time that week I let it all out…

‘I am not ok, I know I’m meant to be strong for you because shit like this doesn’t help and you’re just as lost and confused (if not more so) than I am but I can’t be strong all the time. I can’t pretend I’m ok with what’s happened. I’m trying to deal with everything, trying to come to terms with it all and at the same time be here for you and support you and focus on moving forward and progression… All at the same time! And I just can’t! I need to be able to get angry about it or to cry about it, I need to be able to say what I’m thinking or what I’m feeling…I need to be able to grieve and I need you to help me and be there for me just as much as you need me.

I need to be able to talk to you and I don’t feel like I can in case I undo anything…I cant tell you things and you can’t tell me things either and that’s not right… I get it, I get that it’s not easy but we are meant to be best friends!  I’m struggling, I’m hurt, I’m hopeful…and I’m so proud of you for getting help, I really am and I know it’s not all about me but it involves me…this is my life too!… and I need to deal with it somehow.

For my husband to be thinking of something else while with me… Every single time…It’s not ok…. The idea of you going and doing whatever in a separate room to me is bad enough but the thought of you lying next to me and thinking of anything but us is horrible. I get that we all have fantasies and shit but this is miles above that, it isn’t normal..it isn’t ok and I don’t know what we can do or how we can make it better. I hate the worry of leaving you alone with that fucking laptop every single day, I hate the paranoia I have every time you’re taking a shower or even out in your fucking car! And I’m sorry for being the bad kind of crazy right now but I’m literally going insane. I can’t cope and I can’t stand it! It’s not my fault but I’m still here, I can’t fix anything and I can’t help you unless you help yourself.’

*Aaaannnnd breathe*

English: Cogs getting it together Detail of th...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

He lay there looking shocked and sad (and probably a bit grossed out my the mascara and snot mixture that was in front of him) and I could almost see the cogs whirring. He said he doesn’t know the answer, he doesn’t know how or what is going to help but he knows he wants to change and he wants these thoughts to go away. He said I CAN talk to him, I CAN look to him for comfort and support and that he wants me to. He said that he is trying to work all of this out, he’s trying to understand everything but its going to take time and its not going to be easy for either of us…but that he loves me and wants to make me happy…and to be happy himself too.

He hugged me, stroked my hair and kissed my forehead while I sobbed. I must say it was another massive relief to say it all out loud and to hear him respond in such a positive, focused way when just a few months ago he would have denied it or just ‘given me space’ and then swept it under the carpet.

Once I stopped crying I sat up and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror…makeup wiped off, eyes puffy…just a mess! And it was then that I thought NO! Get the fuck up Beth! Do not do this to yourself, don’t let it consume you, don’t let it kill you! You are stronger than this, you don’t DO giving up; you’ve come this far and yes its still hard but progress IS being made. He’s accepting things, he’s acknowledging things, listening, understanding, trying…. And that’s good…but you NEED to let go a little, you need to stop trying to fix what you cant fix and you need to look after yourself! You need to get the fuck up, sort your fucking face out and focus on YOU and on ANYTHING other than this every single minute of every single day!

So I did just that, I took a bubble bath, I did my makeup for the first time that weekend and I vowed to start the new week with a better outlook

xBx

 

 

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Twisting the knife

Bloody knife and table

Bloody knife and table (Photo credit: Mads Johansen)

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…

***I had considered scheduling this post for a later date to let you feel the same security I felt by the progress my husband and I have made. I was going to catch you up with many more of his ‘honestly’ posts…like this one (here) -as there are a lot still to come- but…as it is my blogging life is still about a week behind reality and this blog is still about helping me get over the many issues in my marriage so… here goes***

My husband returned from his 3rd therapy session and instantly I noticed he was unusually quiet but I put it down to being exhausted after letting it all out in session. However he was also more kissy. He was cuddling me from behind every minute or so, kissing my neck and forehead…I mean he does this anyway but this time it happened a lot -in a sweet way rather than sexual- in a really short space of time. Pleasantly surprised with a hint of suspicion I said ‘ooooh what’s this for?’ (with smiles etc) and he replied…

“Because I don’t want you to be mad….I’ve been lying to her…(The therapist)
Not about everything but definitely blocking…
She asks me questions and I lie…
To throw her off track and confuse her…
Because I don’t want her to figure me out…
She asked where I got a certain (negative) mind frame – a key part of this issue- and I told her I didn’t know… But I do…I know why i think the way I do, I know why I am the way I am…but I don’t want to talk about it.
But it’s good right? That I’ve come clean and told you that? It’s progress isn’t it?”

Erm what?! He knows a vital part of why he thinks this way and he won’t tell me or her… how frustrating! I remembered from his first session that I wasn’t meant to react when he admitted things to me and to be fair I was so shocked and focused on not kicking his ass that I didn’t really have the energy TO react there and then. Anyway, once my emotions had stopped raging, I (calmly) told him I didn’t understand the point of paying to see someone just to lie and that it’s not going to help anything. He said he’s thinking about telling her and I urged him to. I told him I couldn’t be with him IF he continues to lie.

He said it just happens… He can’t help it but the fact that he’s just said its to stop her figuring him out shows that he does it with intent doesn’t it? It’s not like he’s lying about irrelevant things – THAT would be without reason- this time he’s purposely withholding something important. He said its not going to get better overnight and that he does want to stop but not everything he is says is true all the time.. but he’s trying.

He said he doesn’t want to talk about it (the reason), it’s hard to talk about… Which suggests shame or embarrassment or pain…. And they’re feelings!! Aren’t they? He looked at me for some kind of response and instantly read my mind… “but I haven’t been wanking…”  He asked if I believed him and I said I didn’t really have much reason to…

Trust

Trust (Photo credit: vagawi )

Its back to the whole ‘everything I say is bullshit…but trust me’ thing…I don’t know which way to go with it. IS it good that he’s told me? IS it progress? I left it at that and took some time to think about whether it really was good or not (in other words I spoke to my best friend, the only person (in real life) who knows EVERY SINGLE DETAIL.)
She said:

  • He reached out to you.
  • It sounds as though the reason he’s not telling her the truth or ” lying ” is because he doesn’t trust her yet.
  • All he’s doing is what’s he’s always done- putting up his defence and that’s what this is all about – learning to give a little more away about himself. So today he put his guard up but he came home and told the person he DOES trust- maybe not what it’s about but that he had covered up…..baby steps.
  • Putting it in perspective it took him a year to tell you the truth so see yesterday as a step forward at home
  • At least he’s acknowledged his behaviour and a definite need to change

I agree with all of the above…it IS a positive step…but it still gave me that horrible gut punch feeling :/

I am going to discuss it with my counsellor and the hubby is seeing his therapist in a few days so i guess all i can do is see what happens…but in the mean time what do you think? Do you agree that its a good step?

What if he doesn’t tell her? What if he never tells me? I don’t think I could stay with someone who has secrets as big as this…but then i understand that whatever it is must be important, i understand that it must be bad enough to result in him being this way and that it must be hard for him to tell anyone about it…but then something as big as this cant be ignored, it cant be kept from his own wife…can it?

I’m not going to push him or force him to tell me anytime soon, I realise how sensitive it is but is it unfair for me to ask to know it?…to expect to know it?…eventually.
xBx

 
 

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#5 Comfort Zone

Friendship

Friendship (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

‘You ARE my best friend’

 ‘A best friend is not only someone you have a good time with, it is also someone you believe you can trust your life with. A best friend is the first person you call when the most amazing things happen in your life, and when the most horrific incidents happen. A best friend is the person you will always remember no matter what comes about. Some people lose the only true best friend they will ever have, and even when they get new “best friends” .. that old, real best friend is always on their mind. A best friend is almost like real family, a best friend gives the opinion you usually care most about. A best friend is the one who tells you the things you absolutely need to hear regardless of whether you want to hear it or not. A best friend is the person you usually can be around always and never get sick of. A best friend is someone you don’t envy, and is the person you are grateful to have as a friend. A best friend is the one who will forgive you always, even when you’ve screwed up so bad. And a best friend is the one who even though you may have drifted apart from, when the time comes for them to hug you or congratulate you on an accomplishment or to console you on a loss.. they are the number one person you want to see, always because they are the person you’ve confided the most in and they are the person who knows you the best .. even when you both have changed.Your real, true best friend is your comfort zone.’

The above ‘definition’ is from the really reliable source that is…urban dictionary (lol) Regardless, I think this is a pretty close summary of what he and I consider to be friendship (of the best kind)

The day he told me that everything he had ever said to me had been a lie, one of the first things I asked (aside from if he was really a woman *cringe*) was if that meant that I wasn’t really his best friend.

That day he said  he wasn’t sure, he thought I was ‘probably’ the person he was closest to but the rest of the stuff that comes with the territory of BFFs was ‘probably’ not true….how annoyingly vague lol.

This admission cut deep, its silly because the whole situation cut deep but on THAT day this was the thing which I distinctly remember feeling my first gut punch from…My best friend is gone…he never existed 😦

Well, since then apparently he has had time to reconsider and has come to realise that in fact I really AM his best friend, I am his comfort zone.

xBx

 
17 Comments

Posted by on April 20, 2013 in Honestly...

 

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