Tag Archives: Sexual addiction

For better or worse

Therapy in session through quilting

Therapy in session through quilting (Photo credit: fishin widow)

Apologies for being AWOL recently… to be honest I’m not in a great place :/ I have SO much going on in my head AND in reality (good AND bad) that its hard not to just shut down completely and hope that somehow everything will fit into place…well that hasn’t happened so I suppose its time to start writing them all down in some kind of order in an attempt to make it make sense or at least clear some head space.

A few weeks back I visited my husbands therapist (with him) for the first time. The first part is posted here. I said I would go into more detail for some parts so I could pour my heart out a little. Some of the information given that evening hurt to hear, it stung a bit and its probably a lot to do with how I’ve been feeling lately too, of it so…here it is.

When asked how my husbands actions affect me on a daily basis I struggled to find a place to begin.
Noting that we were limited on time I churned out the obvious – sex is an issue, the self esteem issues which comes from his lack of interest, the paranoia from the constant lies, the worry when it comes to leaving due to porn addiction… The gut wrench that comes from knowing my marriage up till now has been a sham… Shall I continue?

She stopped me and talked about the porn/sex/masturbation a bit more as this was the first time she had heard anything about it. She asked whether he watched porn because of the thrill of it, the release… And that annoyed me because it seemed like she was trying to put words in his mouth rather than asking open ended questions. I had gone here hoping that with the three of us more comfortable he would feel able to explain it – with her help NOT to be told the answers.

However to my surprise – and relief- he didn’t agree with her… Instead he shrugged. She asked if it was the fantasy side – no. Is it the release? -no. Is it X? Y?… Z?? – no. He said its nothing, it’s not important to him, it doesn’t do anything for him… He just does it.


I think I would have preferred it her way lol. To hear that cut deep for me, of all the times he’s sneaked off to watch it, lied about it… For all the issues it’s caused… The lack of trust… The lack of confidence… The lack of respect!!! And it means nothing to him?? He did all of the above for something that did nothing?? Despite my gut twisting I didn’t react, I just nodded and tried to let it sink in.

She asked whether the porn was encouraged and what my thoughts on it were … Yeah here we go again lol (if anyone DOESN’T know my thoughts then I suggest you read here lol also if you are lost by now it’s probably best to read up on the back story which starts here) I told her I had offered to watch it with him, been refused and then lied to, that for me porn is now the other woman- the one he wouldn’t or couldn’t stop seeing. I told her that masturbation – whilst understandable in his case… Well I don’t see the necessity when married especially with a wife whom is willing to experiment and who rarely isn’t up for it. I told her how he does masturbate – WITH me, that it hurts that I can’t satisfy him as it is and that the lies before now have made it an issue so the compromise is that he does himself and I’m there with him otherwise no progress will be made in the bedroom and no intimacy will be there for either of us.


Leave (Photo credit: inf3ktion)

She asked what would happen if he watched porn now…. I would leave. She looked shocked- as I assume many of you are reading that but its a fact. I have had enough of it, he has his boundaries and secrets and issues…I have learned to live with them, that is my one boundary. It doesn’t NEED to happen, its affected us too many times. its me or that basically, there’s only so much shit one person can take. That is my limit.

Then she asked about sex.
You don’t feel anything? -no
Nothing physical? -no
Nothing emotional? – no
You just do it for Beth? – yeah…

We talked more about WHY the frequency had changed since marriage and the answer gave me that twinge again… Basically whenever he would visit me pre marriage it was usually for one weekend every other week and unbeknownst to me he was acting 100% during those visits -or in his words ‘it was a massive effort to do it that often every time I saw her…but I knew that once that weekend was over I would have the next 2 weeks to be myself…by myself…but once you’re LIVING together…well that means forcing it 100% of the time, there’s no end to it and its exhausting having to pretend to that extent’ – Just writing that made me feel sick. I cant explain it really…I suppose aside from the obvious feelings i.e. stupid…naive…I also feel… used, fooled and like I was PRESSURING him!! (Which I wasn’t at all) It makes me angry to think about how much ‘effort’ it was just to sleep with me…it makes me angry that he put that much effort into something he didn’t want to do…it makes me angry that he still went ahead and married me!

That hurt to hear.

The stupid thing is I knew it really, I figured that out for myself when all of this first came out but I suppose until you actually hear HIM say it there’s always that glimmer of hope that you’re being silly, worrying over nothing…reading too far into it…that you are wrong! Once you hear HIM say THAT…well its real. and its really fucking painful.

She asked me if we ever argue…if there’s ever ANYTHING there which suggests emotions…I mean yeah we have had a few arguments but never really shouting matches (not before all of this anyway and even since there’s been maybe 2…with me doing the shouting) She said THAT must be frustrating because its natural for us to want an argument sometimes but with him I won’t get one…which led her to ask me if I ever let it all out…how do I get it out? What do I do to make myself feel better…DO I cry? Do I allow myself to get angry?

Erm…fuck yes! ‘I usually wait until he’s at work to have a good sob if I feel like it…or when he’s asleep some nights I will lay next to him and let them flow…or I’ll watch some sad shit on TV just so I can sit in tears and feel like I have a valid reason for it’ (By this time I was crying) ‘ I mean I think he KNOWS that I cry about it sometimes but its easier to do it when he’s not around as for starters I don’t want to say shit in the heat of the moment that will undo all of this but also because I have learned that crying to him is pointless… yeah he comforts me physically, he makes all the right noises but I know its bullshit…I know its an act because he doesn’t FEEL anything. He doesn’t empathise…he just does what he knows works…like a puzzle that he’s mastered and knowing that when you need comfort the most is an oxymoron in a way.

She looked to him and asked what it was like to hear me saying those things…he shrugged and shook his head (nothing) He said he didn’t know I was still crying most days and that he wished I would talk to him about it rather than waiting BUT he understood why I didn’t do that and ultimately…hearing that from me… he didn’t FEEL anything. He said he obviously doesn’t LIKE that I feel that way, he doesn’t want me to keep feeling that way, he wants to make it better but as far as emotions go there’s nothing.

lonely traveller

lonely traveller (Photo credit: rprathap)

Double ouch

It made it all real again, the blunt answers, the matter-of-fact way he responded…THAT is why I don’t go to him…because I know all of that too. I KNOW he doesn’t feel anything, I suppose at least he’s being honest about it lol but still… its so…lonely :/

I came out of that session feeling better for understanding more…for knowing more but at the same time I ended up hurting more because I had to hear it all over again… I had my fears and worries confirmed…by him. To be honest (when aren’t I?) we left there feeling closer to each other if anything…more open with each other…which is funny when you think about the content of what we had just been discussing in there. It was…bittersweet would be the word for it I think…but in the weeks since it’s hit me all over again and knocked me a few steps back again – I suppose at least this time I understand it more so hopefully the path back uphill won’t be as tough this time

(A LOT more to come…)


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Grab the bull by the P(h)ORN

Watching Porn

Watching Porn (Photo credit: WarzauWynn)

I have a confession….I watched porn the other week

*shock horror!*

For anyone who doesn’t know why this is world breaking news or worthy of a post… Well sod off now lol joking come back come back. It’s a long story… Which starts here for those who don’t already know it nut basically I hate porn, I always have and even more so since discovering my husbands “fondness” (dependence) of it.

My counsellor and I discussed this in a session recently and he asked the question which I have been asked many times before… Why? (he agreed there’s some nasty stuff out there etc and that given my current marital situation it’s understandable but…) why do I hate it? What is it that gets me so angry? Even before these issues in my marriage… Even before I met my husband what it is about porn that I don’t like?

It’s the one question guaranteed to upset me, it’s one that for years has made me leave the room when discussions are bought up, the question that always makes me feel like a prude… Like there’s something wrong with me seeing as the majority of people I know are fine with it… Have no problem with it or even watch it. Well I’m not a prude, I DO stuff in the bedroom, I’m open to trying new things… But maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s that in my mind your partner should be enough for you; that I should be enough for my partner… I’ve offered to watch it with my husband before.. With exs… Just to be turned down and then find them sneaking off to watch it alone (makes me sound great doesn’t it(!) ) in my mind I don’t think that porn should be necessary in a loving… Committed relationship.

***All you porn lovers about to jump in… Please remember these are MY views, MY opinions… MY blog. You can defend it all you like but – while appreciating other views etc I get it… I can understand it but that doesn’t mean I will EVER like it or agree with its existence.***

Back to my counsellor- he asked if I had watched any… Not since I was younger but it’s not hard to find really is it? He asked whether I would ever watch any again… Like I said I’ve tried but after being turned down porn now feels like “the other woman” somewhere I just don’t want to go. He asked what my mother thought about porn (trying to figure out the root) … I’ve never discussed porn with my mother.

So… I figured in the name of science… I’d watch some.

I went to a site I know well having added it to every porn blocker in the world… And straight away my stomach turned. GIFs of old women… Girls getting “gang banged” categories (with thumbnails) of “fatties” “pre teen” “cum shots” and a nice advert down the side saying “your wife will never find out” – yes she will!!

I closed the page feeling sick, the deceit… The sneakiness… The lies that I associate with porn *urgh* no wonder guys feel compelled to hide it when its suggested right there that most other men hide it from their significant others too.

I composed myself- deep breath- try again.

French Windows

French Windows (Photo credit: antonella.beccaria)

I opted for “classic” porn, which I assumed to be typical man and woman… Come to fix your washing machine type porn. In this one a girl (yup she’s hot) is stood by some French windows (lovely house) in a slutty but innocent outfit (needs to stop shopping in the kids department) she looks into the camera whilst doing her thing (basically warming up) and yes I admit it it’s hot. I get it… She’s attractive, she’s got a great body and she’s confident… Then comes the guy who basically walks in and she gets to work and that’s when it gets weird (for me) again.

I’ve heard flatmates shagging before, I’ve even found myself trapped in a kitchen after some drunken flatmates decided to go at it in the hallway wrongly assuming the house was empty… I’ve heard my neighbours going at it to the point where I knew who had finished first… But I’ve never felt the need to sit and watch them! Or get off on it! Again, I get it to a point, you’re watching this person seducing YOU, they’re looking straight at the camera, straight at YOU but then someone else’s bits come into shot and your back to watching someone else…

All I kept thinking was how fake it all was, how loveless… How these girls (and guys) do this for money… They do this with different people all the time. I know there are precautions and regular check ups and stuff AND that there are a lot of promiscuous people out there – I’m no virgin- BUT still… It probably goes back to the loveless sex, the flatness of it… I wouldn’t want to think about my partner with anyone else…let alone multiples… I suppose I don’t like the thought of emotionless sex (ironically) and that thought turned me off instantly. Yeah she’s fit and all but you wouldn’t want to marry her would you? Would you want her to mother your kids? Would you want them finding out what she used to let men do to her for money? and as for mother and daughter porn or Granny bouncing around… Well… Eww. Where’s the self respect? There’s a massive lack of respect from anyone really where porn is concerned… Yeah they’re acting but still It just all seems a bit desperate to me.

I mean… By all means watch it for inspiration or to spice things up a bit but in my mind that’s as far as it should go… Where’s the romance? its so tacky…its so loveless…its so…fake. Fake boobs, fake hair… Fake orgasms! Yeah they look good but jeebus that’s high maintenance! I wouldn’t mind some fakeness… Here and there but the upkeep would be boring and expensive and overall it’s a standard that most of us “plain” girls can’t reach or shouldn’t have to! The fakeness gives people an ideal which is unachievable for most mere mortals, the fakeness of the sex…of the acts…the roughness…it makes sex a thing…it makes the people objects…there is no love making, there is no real passion….its all lust and a good hard… well you know. It takes the fun out of sex for people like me and turns it into a really boring competition, one that you are realistically never going to win because you’re fighting against something that is fantasy…it isn’t real!

A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole

A silhouette of Stripper on a Pole (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Maybe it’s slight jealousy on my part because I don’t have what they do, I don’t have the money or the time… But even if I did I’d much rather spend it on something I would enjoy… Not to stroke the ideals of anyone else. Perhaps I envy their bodies…I’m sure they work hard to maintain that and good for them but to be honest I enjoy a good meal, I’d rather spend time with the people I love than spend hours at the gym and I would rather enjoy life in general than worry too much about looking amazing. I’m actually quite happy with the way I look – and I’m pretty sure a lot more people would feel the same if this ideal wasn’t drummed into every porn-atics mind…but even then… like with strippers… these girls are always going to look great because they’re always going to be replaced with younger models -and that annoys me lol. We literally have no choice but to age and to let nature take its toll, meanwhile the porn industry gets fresh meat all the time and reminds the viewers (or my husband) what they are missing. It makes me angry because while of course its good to take care of yourself and to take pride in your appearance (and I do) but porn is setting the bar so bloody high!

On top of that (no pun intended) there’s the rougher stuff, its actually upsetting to see; again I get rough stuff is fun every now and then (and with boundaries) but the things I’ve seen…. Its worrying. The thought of impressionable guys (or girls whatever) watching this stuff and assuming that the norm… its worrying. Its scary. Its fucking dangerous! The rough stuff AND the other stuff, people are seeing this without actually experiencing reality, they’re assuming real people act like this, look like this…LIKE this stuff… and its not true.

So after all of this what did I learn? What did I take away from it? I still hate it, I still don’t agree with it, it still makes me feel sick. Yeah maybe I could do with a bit more eye contact, confidence works… well in a normal situation which doesn’t involve MY husband it would anyway. I understand the appeal of it (if watched in moderation lol), I know the importance of knowing your own body and exploring yourself etc I get that sometimes you need to mix it up a bit and put the effort in, make sex fun…passionate…LOVING! I realise that men are more visual while women are able to use their imagination… but I still believe that -when in a relationship- all of that should be naturally done together, it should be an expression of your love for one another, your desire for one another…not an attempt to persuade your partner to choose you over porn.

Am I the only one who feels this way?



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